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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that no, I'm not breast feeding my toddler "for me" ....

93 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2016 09:44

Breast feeding my toddler is not fun, it is a PITA!

He's 2yrs and 3m and I wish I had a time machine so I could travel back in time to when he was a year old and stop breastfeeding then because at his current age it seems impossible to do.

I'm fed up of him groping me, pulling at my clothes, asking for milk all the time and crying when I say no, I'm fed up of him having his hand inside my bra all the time and him still waking at nights and breast feeding being the only way to settle him off again. The whole thing just really annoys me!

I was at work the other day, talking to a colleague about my latest bad night with my toddler when another colleague jumped in and said, "It's because you're still feeding him, that's where all your problems lie."

I started to respond to her but she interrupted and smugly said, "You're only doing it for you...." Angry

I saw red and shouted back at her, "No I'm not actually because I FUCKING HATE IT!"

Needless to say my outburst killed the conversation and she walked off. I did feel a bit guilty about snapping at her but the comment had really annoyed me.

AIBU to think that the concept of breast fed toddlers apparently being forced into it in order to satisfy the mother's needs slightly odd?

If anyone is being forced into it then I think it's me.

As an aside, any tips on how to stop breast feeding a toddler would be much appreciated..... Smile

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 01/07/2016 11:07

Hope you can hold out and sort your new routine.

If Shakespeare helps - I was put in mind of the nurse in Romeo and Juliet describing the process of weaning a toddler using an application of wormwood ...

"For I had then laid wormwood to my dug,
Sitting in the sun under the dove-house wall;
My lord and you were then at Mantua:—
Nay, I do bear a brain:—but, as I said,
When it did taste the wormwood on the nipple
Of my dug and felt it bitter, pretty fool,
To see it tetchy and fall out with the dug!"

ThoraGruntwhistle · 01/07/2016 11:07

You need to stop if you hate it this much. Keep saying no, be firm about it. And the person up there with the Little Britain joke, not funny or helpful.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/07/2016 11:07

just stop feeding him/her then!
step off MN, don't discuss with anyone who is overly opinionated and get a plan in place to stop

MN is very biased towards, RL is very biased against- so nowhere will you get an impartial answer

close the dairy !

Babysafari · 01/07/2016 11:10

She's got a cheek and I don't blame you for snapping at her.

You could take doing it for you as meaning to keep the bond and closeness before your baby grows up. Whatever the reason it's nothing to do with anyone else. I can well imagine it's not easy to stop breastfeeding a toddler that still wants to and would be equally as difficult to force a toddler to keep feeding if they didn't want to!

No tips on stopping unfortunately but a question as an aside. Do they bite you? Ds (12 months) has started biting me when I'm cuddling him I said to dh last night I wonder if he'd bite me if I was still bfeeding him.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 01/07/2016 11:11

I always find cow comparisons amusing. A splash of cow breastmilk in your tea? Lovely! Cereal and cow breastmilk, a perfectly acceptable breakfast.

Human milk? Well that's just a step too far.

I'm going to make a brew now, anyone want one? Wink

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2016 11:13

He has a cup of milk before bed, has done for the last 1yr and 3m so it isn't something he associates with sleep, it's just something he seems to want to do all the time.

My DH has recently started making comments about me still breast feeding, not negative ones, but ones just implying that maybe it's time to stop.

When we go out for the day DS doesn't want milk at all, he doesn't grope me or harass me for it but when we are at home he just won't leave me alone.

Sometimes I am screaming in my head "Just leave me bloody alone" because I'm so tired of him pawing at me all the time. If he didn't do that, I doubt I would feel so resentful of breast feeding, but I'm just so fed up of being climbed on and groped all the time. I just want my own space.

OP posts:
Babysafari · 01/07/2016 11:15

Tbh they climb all over you anyway. Ds favourite thing is nuzzling my shoulder and biting really hard.

YouCanButImNot · 01/07/2016 11:15

Happenstance what a useful contribution to the thread. Very original and witty Hmm

Op - I'm currently feeding my just 2 year old and some days feel like you do and others I don't mind so at the moment I'm happy to continue. But when I get to the point you're at it will absolutely be time to stop. I've no idea how at the moment but be kind to yourself.

youshouldcancelthecheque · 01/07/2016 11:15

How about expressing? initially show your toddler that milk is coming out, say you have a sore boob or something, give him breast milk in a bottle then gradually replace it with formula?

Tippytoes13 · 01/07/2016 11:16

You only really have two choices, either carry on feeding your toddler, or stop breastfeeding and wean your child of your breasts. It sounds like you've had enough now, which is perfectly understandable, so you need to find a way that suits your toddler and yourself. You've done well to get this far, I don't have any advice with regards to weaning a toddler of the breast, as my babies weaned of (by choice) before they hit a year, but I'm sure there are other mums on here, that have some useful advice for you.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2016 11:17

thora - I ignored the Bitty comment as its so ridiculous. I had a colleague do "bitty" impersonations to me last year in relation to me still feeding my 18m old and I was not amused.

babysafari - I've only been bitten once and it was by accident Smile His latch does change though if he had new teeth coming through and feeding can be quite uncomfortable at those times.

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 01/07/2016 11:20

It's tough when they still want feeding at that's age. My first baby just would not give up breastfeeding. In the end just went cold turkey (she was 2yrs 8 months)

She survived, I got my sleep and body back. All was good.
You'll have a few nights of crying, but it's worth it.

Crunchymum · 01/07/2016 11:22

"Bitty"

Oh do fuck off!

You do know that in most European countries extended BF'ing is the norm?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2016 11:23

We did CC when DS was 10 months (under the guidance of a sleep consultant) so I'm prepared to tackle this head on too and accept that I need to take a hard line for a few days and just deal with the fall-out but it seems so daunting at this age.

I've got a week off work at the end of July so I'm thinking that I should use that time to just go cold turkey.

OP posts:
user1467101855 · 01/07/2016 11:23

If you say you fucking hate it but you don't actually stop, of course people are going to think that you don;t hate it at all, and yuo have your own reasons for carrying on.
You just stop. It really is as easy and as difficult as that.

leedy · 01/07/2016 11:24

Sadly my only top tip for completely weaning a toddler is "get pregnant and wait til the second trimester when your milk supply tanks" but that might be a bit drastic...

I'm still feeding a 3.5 year old (the result of that pregnancy) and I can just see him losing interest now, he'll occasionally miss a day entirely and his feeds are pretty cursory. I did set serious limits a good while ago - so he night weaned at around 18 months like his brother (he pretty much did it by himself but we did Dr Jay Gordon with the older boy and it was pretty helpful: drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html), and I stopped feeding him at all during the day about a year ago, if he asked I'd just say it was for when we're in our pyjamas. He got a bit frustrated for a while but it passed. Once it wasn't happening ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME and I was getting some sleep I didn't really mind continuing morning and/or evening feeds, and he's perfectly fine with me going away for a few days and resuming when I get back (I do bring a pump). I will say I did find around your LO's age pretty demanding in general even without the breastfeeding so it may all calm down a bit regardless soon.

So the options aren't just "keep feeding as you are" and "cold turkey", if that's at all helpful?

I also cannot fathom what the "it's just for the mother" thing is about.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2016 11:26

I always said I would BF until he was 2 as I absolutely believe in the benefits of extended BF but that time has come and gone and I sometimes wonder that if I don't stop now when will he ever stop and will it just get harder as he gets older?

Maybe hate is a strong word, I probably would put my foot down and say no if I hated it, but I'm certainly not liking doing it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2016 11:28

leedy - I was pregnant earlier this year but miscarried at seven months. Me and DH have continued to TTC but have been unsuccessful.

Part of me wonders if BF'ing is the cause....

OP posts:
leedy · 01/07/2016 11:31

" if I don't stop now when will he ever stop and will it just get harder as he gets older?"

IME, no - as I said above, I can see my 3 year old losing interest by himself and to be honest if I was really pushed about stopping completely now I'd say it'd be easy enough. He's got more interesting things to do in the morning, he wants to snuggle with his brother, etc. etc. All part of growing more independent.

Obviously there's nothing wrong with mother-led weaning at all, but all kids eventually self-wean. The only thing I'd say (again from experience) is that if you do want to make any changes (wean completely, night wean, set limits) don't try and do it when they're going through a clingy patch/developmental leap madness as it'll be a lot harder, and the feeding may abate a bit when they're through it anyway.

inlovewithhubby · 01/07/2016 11:33

I confess to being a bit bemused at people who breastfeed 3/4/5 year olds who are well able to get all their nutrition from food. It seems like a postponement of independence to those of us who wean gradually once solid food is introduced. However, I completely accept that we all parent differently and that's part of the parenting process. Horses for courses.

But if you hate it then you can stop. You are in control, or should be, as the parent. If you're not then you need to assume that role in more ways than just breastfeeding. Someone previously gave a really lovely gentle example of how she phased it out, and that sounds like sound advice. You can adapt to your own family. But don't say you can't help it, because of course you can, or could.

leedy · 01/07/2016 11:34

"I was pregnant earlier this year but miscarried at seven months. Me and DH have continued to TTC but have been unsuccessful."

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I had a m/c between my boys but not at such a late stage, you poor thing.

I conceived easily twice while BF though obviously this is just my own experience. I think the main problem with BF and fertility is if it's stopping you ovulating, from what I was told in the hospital if you have a regular cycle and are actually ovulating each month it shouldn't affect it. Have you asked your doctor about blood tests etc. to check if your cycle is actually "doing its thing"?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2016 11:35

leedy - I meant 7 weeks, not seven months. What an awful error to make. I hope everyone sees this message in case others also think I meant 7 months.

OP posts:
leedy · 01/07/2016 11:37

"I confess to being a bit bemused at people who breastfeed 3/4/5 year olds who are well able to get all their nutrition from food."

Well, it's not really about nutrition at this stage, is it? It's a comfort and bonding thing. I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid at a 4 year old sleeping with a favourite teddy or having cuddles with a parent, I see it as part of that spectrum of age-appropriate comfort things.

I don't really see it as a postponement of independence either, I mean the average 3 year old still needs a lot of parental care. My own BF 3 year old will happily spend weekends away from me with his grandparents etc., is in full time nursery, etc. so it doesn't seem to have stunted his independence notably...

Cantplaywontplay · 01/07/2016 11:39

Very sorry for your loss. 7 months not a miscarriage though surely? You will have all sorts of emotions going on right now.
Both mine BF until they chose to give up, one at 2 and one at 3.5 - that one lost a tooth and it seemed to affect her latch so she couldn't do it anymore. Still often puts the hand in there though or falls asleep with her head against it (at her request).
I'd had enough, but I kind of miss it now!

leedy · 01/07/2016 11:39

"leedy - I meant 7 weeks, not seven months. "

I was about to say "I'm glad to hear that" except obviously I'm not actually glad to hear you had a miscarriage, but I hope you know what I mean. Still pretty tough, I hope you got lots of looking-after. Mine was at 12 weeks, so just when I thought everything was going to be ok...