To think that no, I'm not breast feeding my toddler "for me" ....

[Writerwannabe83]

Breast feeding my toddler is not fun, it is a PITA!

He's 2yrs and 3m and I wish I had a time machine so I could travel back in time to when he was a year old and stop breastfeeding then because at his current age it seems impossible to do.

I'm fed up of him groping me, pulling at my clothes, asking for milk all the time and crying when I say no, I'm fed up of him having his hand inside my bra all the time and him still waking at nights and breast feeding being the only way to settle him off again. The whole thing just really annoys me!

I was at work the other day, talking to a colleague about my latest bad night with my toddler when another colleague jumped in and said, "It's because you're still feeding him, that's where all your problems lie."

I started to respond to her but she interrupted and smugly said, "You're only doing it for you...."

I saw red and shouted back at her, "No I'm not actually because I FUCKING HATE IT!"

Needless to say my outburst killed the conversation and she walked off. I did feel a bit guilty about snapping at her but the comment had really annoyed me.

AIBU to think that the concept of breast fed toddlers apparently being forced into it in order to satisfy the mother's needs slightly odd?

If anyone is being forced into it then I think it's me.

As an aside, any tips on how to stop breast feeding a toddler would be much appreciated.....

OP, I feel like your post is a lot bigger than breastfeeding. And I don't think it's healthy for 2 reasons.

1. Basically your child is at a developmental age where they are flexing their muscles - and you are letting him rule you on this. What if he went screamed and went ballistic if you didn't let him have sweets every time you went to the shops? Would you say, ok anything for a quiet life?

1. You are putting your child's desires above your own needs (I don't think it's a need for him to breastfeed, but it sounds like it's a need for you to stop). This is not going to be sustainable as your child grows up and you will get resentful, because if it's not breastfeeding, it will be other things. Should I sacrifice going out with my friends because he won't go to sleep without me?

So, yes I disagree you are still bfing for your benefit in terms of it makes you feel good. Actually, if it was making you both happy then I'd be fine with it. But yes, it is for your own benefit in the sense that it is scarier to take control of this. You must do that though for both of your sakes.

YANBU.

I think only someone who's never breastfed a toddler could think that the mother's only doing it for themselves.

...oh and the only thing I did for me was get a decent night's sleep/not have bottles to make up. Her latch from day one was awful.

If you 'fucking hate it' just stop! Honstly, no one likes a martyr.

Incidentally, DS1 wasn't breastfed past 3 months and he still tries to stick his hand in my bra. Weaning might not be the answer to that one.

Nodding here at most comments. Still feeding my 2 years 10 month old. Some days i've just had enough and feel like running. She is a terrible eater and i'm afraid that if we stop feeding her weight will drop further.

But some days i love it. Her little brown eyes peeping up and me and her contentedness and calmness when being fed make my heart glow.

Blablabla1984 - disagree with you that your method will work within a week if you don't mind me saying so. It worked for you but there is a big difference between a 1 year and 2 + year old. Glad it worked for you obviously.

That's sounds so tough. My DC is 2yrs 2mnts so I totally understand the meltdowns when he doesn't get what he wants. He was bf until he self weaned at 10mnts. Honestly, I was gutted at the time but sounds like I had a lucky escape & it was all very gentle & led by him. Having said that, he still constantly has his hand in my bra when I'm holding him! Wherever we may be, obviously gives him comfort. Best of luck OP, you're amazing to be still feeding your DC, its a real labour of love & a huge sacrifice for a long time. I really hope that weaning goes well.

Oh & I think your colleague needed that outburst. Age may think twice before mouthing off about a subject that she can't possibly have any understanding of (because she's not you!).

YANBU and the worst thing is the more the toddler feeds (esp at night), the less energy and the more tired you are and the less you feel like going cold turkey and bear the inevitable fall out that stopping will bring!

I found talking to DS about stopping, reducing slowly eg putting in rules like only in bed both helped. And telling him we'd have lots of cuddles and milk in a cup instead. In the end (only feeding bedtime, night and morning by this point) I said "we're going to stop in a couple of days..." and kept reminding him and said "if you wake in the night, you can have a sippy cup of milk and mummy will cuddle you". I thought he'd scream blue murder when it actually came to it but he cried for a few minutes the first few nights then accepted it.

You could be me. Also desperately keen to wean toddler DD, also 2yr 3m. Currently having a horrible bout of mastitis (not had this since my first was a newborn almost 13 years ago) so this has redoubled my resolve to stop. It is a huge pain. DS (12) stopped, himself, at 14 months; perfect. DD1 (8) would never have given up so we ended up using bribery and start charts when she was 2.5 or so. I thought this was just her, but DD2 is doing exactly the same thing and I am just so fed up now. We're down to a brief bedtime feed at night, and she (finally) sleeps through, but wakes at 5am, and cannot be pacified by anything other than a breast in my bed. I'm exhausted so she latches on and we both sleep/ dreamfeed for an hour. I know this is the worst bit, and I just need to man up and deal with it, but I'm with you; it is ridiculously hard!

I breast fed my two until 2 years and 2 months (DC1) and 2 years and 7 months.(DC2).

DC2 weaned himself off in his own time and it was a totally natural process controlled by him.

DC1 had some medical problems and has some additional needs. He was far more complicated.

I worked from the idea that children learn new routines if you do it three times. The very first night my Mum looked after DC1 over night so I was not even there. It was the very first time I had left DC1 overnight.

Then I just said no and cuddled him to sleep for the next two nights We were both upset but after the third night he did not even ask. I replaced the night time feed with stories and cuddles.

It was not a pleasant experience, but I felt that the time had come for us to stop.

Good luck. I really feel for you and your situation. Don't forget that you have done a huge amount of good for your child by breastfeeding her.

I went away for a weekend a few weeks ago. Not for that reason, but it was a friend's wedding and I wanted to go, and as DS is almost 2 I figured it would be a good time to wean as well. For the week before I started telling him that boob was running out but that it didn't matter because he didn't need it any more - milk in a cup is yummy, we can have cuddles instead etc. Then DH told him while I was away that Mummy would be back in 2 days, 1 day etc but when he asked about boob he just said boob was all gone now and Mummy would come back but without boob.
DS was surprisingly ok - he did ask on about day 2 after I got back but was fine with being told it had run out and offered cow's milk instead. Any time he's gone for a rummage I've just said no and that my boobs were sore (which was definitely true for the first week!) and he has completely accepted that as well.
I was dreading it but it's been fine. I think going away was crucial though as since he was about 1 he's been absolutely fine taking bottles/ not having milk at all as long as I'm away, but had a will of iron if I was about and thought he had any possibility of breastfeeding. I couldn't have stood the screaming and upset. Being away for a couple of days let him half forget/ break the habit/ realise he didn't need it - I'm not sure which but it worked brilliantly.

Still feeding an 18mo and I worry she is going to carry on until she is 18 years old

Even my DP has started to lose patience with me when I moan about it namely as he ends up in the spare room most nights as she co-sleeps too

She has CMPA and is a bottle refuser (despite the gallons of milk I expressed when I went back to work).

I still feed as my child wants to. I plan to be led by her but the thought of going another year is quite scary.

On the upside I haven't had a period in over 2 years!

I have no experience of this as I took the easy route and weaned dd at just under a year (and suspect she was not sorry: being hypotonic she possibly didn't enjoy suckling all that much anyway).

But I am kind of wondering if this isn't one battle you should try to ride out as it does sound as if it is interfering with your own wellbeing. As pp's have said, your wellbeing is important. I think I would try to decide on a time when you are rested and have plenty of distractions, maybe start a new bedtime/settling in routine and make it something he really enjoys, plan in advance how you are going to distract him if he gets upset. And accept that he will be upset for a little time.

As MrsJoey says, stopping breastfeeding won't necessarily get rid of that little hand under your bra: dd was still doing that 2 years after her last sip.

Best of luck.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

At the minute he only has two feeds in the day (one when he wakes in the morning and one when he wakes after his nap) and a feed if he wakes at night - which he pretty much always does.

He hadn't fed to sleep for well over a year now thankfully.

Due to my shifts I sometimes go 48 hours without seeing DS so I know he's fine without my milk but as soon as we are reunited it's all he seems to want. I'm also away from him overnight due to work about once a month.

I did try the "don't offer but don't refuse" approach but if I didn't refuse it he'd be on me all the time.

I do enjoy our morning feeds, and when's he's ill, upset, scared etc then I love that I comfort him but it's so emotionally draining dealing with it all day after day.

Last night was the first night where I didn't feed him to settle him during a wake up (me and DH know we have to address the sleeping issue) and it took 1hr 45m of him grizzling and crying until he went back to sleep.

When he wakes up at 4am, and I know I have to be up at 6am for work I give him a breast feed because it's the easiest way to make sure we both get more sleep.

I work very long shifts and being up for long periods in the early hours with a crying toddler who just wants some milk isn't appealing.

Like I said though, I withheld it last night and I know I have to just see it through.

If you want to stop then stop. I couldn't bare it anymore with my dd2 when she was 20m old and put a plan into action. Crying and moaning about it isn't going to help you is it? You need to make a plan that suits you all.

A few things that might help:

• Stop sleeping with him. Let your dh have him in with him in a spare room or living room. Keep to one night feed for starters.
• Tape your nipples over with plasters.
• Say "no" when he pulls at you and distract him with something else to eat.
• If he cries, then let him cry. You might want to take time off work and wean him off like this for a week.
• Put him into nursery a few days a week to help him forget.
• introduce a sippy cup

Sorry I just read your last post. I think I may have sounded a bit rude.
I'm glad you're working your way through it. Sorry again!

Most of my friends bottle fed from birth and their little ones like to pop their hand in their mothers bra too. I think its just warm and comfy down there.

I just said no, and put the baps away. There was protesting but ultimately there was no need to be doing it, I needed to stop for various reasons, and I decided I was in charge. The protests did not last very long really, as I think DS3 picked up on my resolve.

BTW the no from me came after DS3 pulled up my top in IKEA and tried self-service, much to the amusement of the general public. At that point I decided I was not happy with this and needed to regain control of my front.

I've had to stop cold turkey in one day for medical reasons, twice. Neither DC minded at all. Dc2 got snuggled to sleep instead, which was another rod for my back, and sometimes grabbed my bra straps when he wanted comfort, like he knew there was something, but couldn't remember what it was. But sadder for me than them!

I weaned my three at 3 years, 2.5 years and 2 years. I did it 6 months earlier each time, probably because I felt more confident weaning.

I did it very slowly, it probably took about 6 months. I night weaned first, then I cut the day feeds down to four. One in the morning, one before the afternoon nap, one after the nap and one before bed.
The nap feeds disappeared either because they stopped napping or because I deliberately got them to sleep in the buggy.
I cut out the bed time feed next and replaced it with a cup of milk.
The morning feed was the last one to go. I cut that one out by getting up earlier so I wasn't in bed when they woke.

If I was in your situation I'd probably cut it out cold turkey. Tell him the milk is all gone. Or night wean first and then day wean a month or two later.

I have a 2yr 3month old and I also have days where I just want him to stop clambering on me so I understand somewhat how you feel.

By this point, it's more like breaking a habit than anything else. DS has a habit of wanting milk when he's thirsty so I try to be ready for this and have drinks within his reach so I can prompt him for that instead of milk. It doesn't always work but it's a work in progress

If your DS is used to having milk after a nap, perhaps try and have a snack and a drink ready, or something that he'll want to play with after he wakes up. Or in the case of my own DS, if I eat something he'll decide he'd rather have that than milk.

WRT night times, I night weaned DS a few months ago but he did go through a stage of waking up around 5-5:30 am for a while. However, this may have something to do with it being light at that time, maybe that has something to do with why your DS is also waking early and thinking it's morning. Our early mornings have settled down now, and 9 times out of 10 he wakes after 6, which is an improvement at least.

It also doesn't have to be all or nothing. With my older DD, we had a rule for quite a long time that she only had milk before going to sleep (she finally weaned just after she turned 4, but wasn't feeding every day by then). Milk was for bedtime.

To extend this already too long post slightly further, are you also getting plenty of time to yourself? I know that I get more frustrated at the touchiness when I've had less time totally by myself, without feeling on edge and waiting for DS to find me and climb on me.

I stopped at 22 months and I was more than ready so feel you're pain! I found for mornings instead of getting up for a BF, getting her straight out of the cot and taking her downstairs to get some milk broke the connection. At night it took longer, DH would bring her some cows milk to have with her story but she was still BF, eventually after some advice I bought her a favourite toy (Elmo) and talked to her, explained that instead of BF now before bed she would have milk and a story with Daddy then cuddles with Mummy and Elmo. 3 days of crying when she was put in the cot and then nothing.
So in summary, a distraction technique and an explanation worked for us. Good luck

And no, I'm not breastfeeding my toddler for me, any more than anyone gives their child a dummy for themselves rather than the child. Breastfeeding and dummies and teddies and blankets are all comfort items, and the vast majority of children have some form of comfort/sleep aid.