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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to send my girls to a new school when they are very opposed?

20 replies

milenalee · 30/06/2016 20:24

My two daughters, ages 12 and 13, started a school (friends) this past year when we moved to UK from abroad. One has made good friends, the other is pretty lonely. Both are bright and have been doing well without trying much or working very hard. Recently I discovered Bishops Stortford College and it seems a better fit for them and they would have more opportunities. I'm pretty sure they did well on the entrance test and could go this fall. They are dead set against it, not wanting to change schools again. My husband thinks we should just make them switch this fall, as they enter years 8 and 9. Some teachers I've spoken too say forcing them will backfire. I suspect in the long run they will be fine. What do you all think?

OP posts:

shinynewusername · 30/06/2016 20:31

The DD who hasn't made friends might benefit from the move, but what about the one who has settled well? She has moved countries, gone through all the effort of making a new friendship group and now you're proposing to move her again? That does not seem fair or necessary if she is doing well where she is. And she will struggle to forgive you if she is not as happy in the new school.

LittleReindeerwithcloggson · 30/06/2016 20:33

Most schools - state and private- will let children do a trial/taster day there first. Maybe that's an option before you decide?

Beeziekn33ze · 30/06/2016 20:36

Mention of college name could out DDs as well as you if they do go there. When will you know whether they would both have places.

Numberoneisgone · 30/06/2016 20:39

I would not do this. My parents moved when I was 12 and dsis was nearly 15. She hated it and never ever settled but a second move would have pushed her over the edge. It was the move not the school she reckons she found the most difficult to adjust.

alltouchedout · 30/06/2016 20:46

Forcing them without really good reasons- the move to the UK was a really good reason for them having to change school, for example!- seems a bad idea. They've already been through a huge, huge change. I'm not sure how much they'd even make of the increased opportunities you feel the alternative school would offer them, if they didn't want to be there at all. Thinking back to my mutinous self as a young teenager, I'd have taken the 'why bother settling in/ doing any work when you'll only end up making me move again' approach (even if I'd known another enforced move was highly unlikely).

If you have real concerns about their current school then a move might make sense, but otherwise there seems little value in it.

Pico2 · 30/06/2016 20:49

I think you mean the school Friends. Unless it has improved in recent years, I'd move them to Stortford College.

tigermoll · 30/06/2016 20:55

I would be careful with this. IME (as a child and an adult who has occasion to work with schoolkids) exclusive private schools can be very cliquey and have long-established friendship groups which are hard for someone to join. It's not uncommon for a child to be regarded as 'the new girl' for a few YEARS after joining an established class.

Original poster

milenalee · 30/06/2016 20:58

Yes, I'm sure it's a better school for them, but it's true they might really have trouble getting much out of it if they are so opposed. Eventually I think they will be ok, but I wish they were at least a little open to it. It's too late for a taster day. They did have a tour and each had lunch with a group of girls from their year.

OP posts:

Original poster

milenalee · 30/06/2016 21:00

The older one who doesn't have friends yet is also very shy....

OP posts:

KamMum · 30/06/2016 21:04

When i was 13/14 my mum moved me from a school i was happy at to one that i was dead set against. I rebelled, got myself kicked out and even now, at 25, it still annoys me that she moved my school back then. I lost some great friends, the teaching wasnt as good as my old school and i ended falling in with the wrong crowd....but, thats just my experience. If you have valid reasons for wanting then to move, explain it to them.

BoffinMum · 30/06/2016 21:05

Have you seen if Hockerill have any places?

SquinkiesRule · 30/06/2016 21:08

I'd ask the school if they could come for a taster day not a school tour so they can see the classes and students and see if they think it would be a good place to move too.
I'd really push to move them both and if the one with friends is dead set against it, I'd probably move the shy one on her own.

bojorojo · 30/06/2016 21:16

Your DD who has made friends will not thank you. I would consider moving your other DD. Shame you didn't discover the school earlier.

Original poster

milenalee · 30/06/2016 21:36

We aren't in the catchment area for hockerill, and school is out for the summer so a taster day isn't possible.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 30/06/2016 22:07

Could they be at different schools? Personally, I would let the one who is happy at her existing school stay there, and move the other one.

Original poster

milenalee · 01/07/2016 11:33

Well they both got in. The older ones results show the difference between the schools. She is top set in maths at her old school, but would be bottom in the new one. Though I would love to give them the school they are attached too, I really worry we are paying for a not great education and it will impact their chances in life.

OP posts:

Pico2 · 01/07/2016 12:44

There are a number of good state secondaries in the area. I'm not sure if you fall into catchment for any of them, but I'd send my child to one of them in preference to Friends school (if that's where they are at the moment).

corythatwas · 01/07/2016 12:46

So if they go to the new school the older one will suddenly find herself in bottom set? I think this is something you also need to factor in: is she somebody who would be stimulated by this to work her way up to top set, or would it make her feel even more resentful?

123beanie · 01/07/2016 23:54

I wouldn't if I were you. Definitely do what the girls are comfortable with

MrHannahSnell · 02/07/2016 01:05

Leave them in the school they are settled and happy in. If you force a change they may resent the new school to such an extent that they switch off and get less out of it than they are getting at the current one. A school, no matter how good on paper, is less than useless if the child won't engage.

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