AIBU to be the sole breadwinner?

[stumblymonkey]

Not a thread about a thread but another thread has got me thinking plus other comments MNetters have made.

I'm 33 and have been with my DP for almost 2 years. We are very happy and are getting engaged and trying to conceive.

I've always been quite successful in my career and have now gone freelance which means I earn a six figure salary.

DP's 'career' has never really taken off. He's a strength coach (personal trainer). When I met him he had his own gym but after two years it wasn't making enough money to pay him more than £300-600 per month. Now he's starting again as a PT in another small scale gym but marketing isn't his strong point and he doesn't have any clients yet (though he does do some marketing its just not been effective).

Since we moved in together a year ago I have paid for everything. At first because the gym wasn't making a profit but I said I'd give him a year to try and make it work since we had enough money. It's been about five weeks now since it folded and he's still not earning money.

In every other way he's my perfect partner: we have fun, I trust him completely, he is kind, loyal, patient. He does his fair share around the house and probably more than me sometimes. He often has a cup of tea ready for me and the dinner cooking when I get in.

It's sort of a role reversal....if we have DC then he will be the primary carer as I work in London.

My friends say they love him but they couldn't live with someone who relied on them financially...

Interested in thoughts...AIBU to marry what MN call a 'cocklodger'?

You have been self employed for 10 days and yet you earn six figures per year? That's some crystal ball you have!

My ex was a bit like this. After the children were in school he basically refused to work. He did a bit round the house but that was it.

I don't regret having our children as they are wonderful. I just wish I'd left the arse much sooner.

You are still very early days setting out as self employed, I really think you are still on ropey ground. I was a sahm, but only felt comfortable doing so as I had skills and qualifications that would make a return to work easy should it be needed...if you had to stop work through illness it sounds like youbwpuld be stuffed, as he doesn't have the drive and necessary skills. I second retraining as a PE teacher or similar.

If he is going to be at home, which is mega unusual pre marriage and kids, then he needs to take on everything! You shouldn't need to be prompting, or booking cleaners. He shouldn't be resenting doing chores and errands while you are at work as that is his job.

I think it was my thread that sparked this: I'm also the breadwinner while DP earns a small wage and we are considering kids :) we've been together 8 years and after lots of thinking about it, I've decided i give 0 flying fucks about who earns the most

Do you love each other? Does you treat each other well? Do you feel that it is an equitable partnership? Are you happy?

If you've posted this for genuine curiosity and all the above answers are yes then who cares what everyone else thinks.

If you've posted because somewhere something feels wrong and you hesitate to say yes to one of those questions then you need to figure out what feels wrong and deal with it.

I earned a lot mre than my children's father. As we were married when we divorced he got a lot of money.
If that might apply to you down the line in having to make him a big pay out to your children's detriment it may be best just to live together and have all your assets in just your name and/ or see a solicitor about a good prenuptial agreement before you marry.

We were married almost 20 years and we both however worked very very hard and full time throughout and shared the same values about money (both quite careful and sensible) and both feminist and 50/50 on the children, cleaning etc.

You have someone who is earning just about nothing, there are no children and you are paying for a cleaner seems a huge great warning sign to me. Surely he should be doing the cleaning if he's not really working and he earns nothing? Have you talked about him being a house husband or he organising child care around his personal training appointments once the children come?