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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be the sole breadwinner?

80 replies

stumblymonkey · 30/06/2016 18:28

Not a thread about a thread but another thread has got me thinking plus other comments MNetters have made.

I'm 33 and have been with my DP for almost 2 years. We are very happy and are getting engaged and trying to conceive.

I've always been quite successful in my career and have now gone freelance which means I earn a six figure salary.

DP's 'career' has never really taken off. He's a strength coach (personal trainer). When I met him he had his own gym but after two years it wasn't making enough money to pay him more than £300-600 per month. Now he's starting again as a PT in another small scale gym but marketing isn't his strong point and he doesn't have any clients yet (though he does do some marketing its just not been effective).

Since we moved in together a year ago I have paid for everything. At first because the gym wasn't making a profit but I said I'd give him a year to try and make it work since we had enough money. It's been about five weeks now since it folded and he's still not earning money.

In every other way he's my perfect partner: we have fun, I trust him completely, he is kind, loyal, patient. He does his fair share around the house and probably more than me sometimes. He often has a cup of tea ready for me and the dinner cooking when I get in.

It's sort of a role reversal....if we have DC then he will be the primary carer as I work in London.

My friends say they love him but they couldn't live with someone who relied on them financially...

Interested in thoughts...AIBU to marry what MN call a 'cocklodger'?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 30/06/2016 19:07

Blimey, you're paying for a cleaner and he probably does more than you sometimes?

Has he thought about becoming a PE teacher with those qualifications?

That way, he could be at home with any kids you might have, during the school holidays.

Two4601 · 30/06/2016 19:09

I work full time and DH is a SAHD, doing the majority of the childcare and housework. The amount of people who ask when he is going to get a job is unreal. If the roles were reversed no one would bat an eyelid.

Original poster

stumblymonkey · 30/06/2016 19:11

Worra...it's early days to weigh it up.

He only walked away from the gym five weeks ago. For 3.5 of those weeks I was also unemployed as I'd been made redundant so overall it's only been a week and a half that I've been working full time and he's stayed at home.

On the first day I worked he didn't pull his weight at all (I got home to a sink of dishes and then cooked dinner), I was pretty grumpy about it and since then I haven't had the same issue.

We've shared cooking (I like to cook so don't want to never do it).

He's done 85% of the laundry. I pay for a cleaner but he's hoovered a couple of times and done all the dishes. He's also done errands while I've been at work (post office runs, picking foster cat up even though he's not keen on it, etc).

I do all the 'admin' of bills, meal plans/grocery lists, wedding planning (I'm a control freak so that's my choice), etc.

OP posts:

MollyTwo · 30/06/2016 19:12

I meant you could easily get a nanny and cleaner and all the rest that he provides should be the basic minimum anyone can expect from a partner anyway, so what exactly additional is he bringing to the relationship.

Original poster

stumblymonkey · 30/06/2016 19:14

Molly...you've sort of lost me...what 'additional' things would be bring?

The only thing he doesn't bring is money and I have plenty of that already, I don't need any more money unless someone wants to hand me £1m 'cause I wouldn't turn that down.

OP posts:

Original poster

stumblymonkey · 30/06/2016 19:14

*he

OP posts:

Flacidunicorn · 30/06/2016 19:16

I see no problems either.

Personally I'd say bollocks to what others say, do, think etc etc.

All you need to ask yourself is are you happy? Is he making your life better for being in it? If yes to both them then you go for it.

Not all people in your OH position are cocklodgers.

crje · 30/06/2016 19:16

He is a kept man.
Am emotionally supportive
kept man!

I don't know any couple starting
out that are in your situation.

A few things come to mind,
it would worry me that his choices leave you with little choice in the future. As the female breadwinner what happens if you end up needing a long period out of work after the baby or you don't want to go back!

Where does he see himself in 10-15 years? I don't know any personal trainers that age. Is he becoming a sahd or retiring?

Penfold007 · 30/06/2016 19:17

OP your DP isn't employed so has no employer to take maternity/paternity leave from. You will only be able to take as much maternity leave as you can afford and also bear in mind you might not want to go back to work. He doesn't sound like a cocklodger but what are his plans to contribute?

FinallyHere · 30/06/2016 19:22

Its your life, so whatever works for you.

In general, though, i think that anyone who doesn't get to grips with a business plan, the marketing and all the other stuff that needs to get done in a business, should get themselves a job as an employee.

rollonthesummer · 30/06/2016 19:22

OP your DP isn't employed so has no employer to take maternity/paternity leave from. You will only be able to take as much maternity leave as you can afford

Exactly what I was thinking!

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2016 19:28

If I were you I'd wait a couple of years and see how this pans out. Some people shouldn't work for themselves - it's just not what they're good at. Tons of people now have degrees in Sports Science - it's very, very popular and a lot of them will go into this kind of field.

I would be very concerned that he doesn't actually do everything at home, if you're funding his lifestyle. If he started work when you did and finished when you did, he'd have time to do the house and to find work.

Worst case scenario - you have a baby, split up and the baby lives with him most of the time and you pay for everything. Surely you don't want that?

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2016 19:29

Yes, I wondered where he'd get his paternity leave from, too.

And when you're on maternity leave, he'd be at home then, wouldn't he?

stayathomedad · 30/06/2016 19:31

Will also depend on his attitude. Very hard to accept being 'kept' for some, male OR female, gay or straight relationships. Your environment (inner city or suffolkvillage?) and circumstances will hugely affect this.
Go back two/three decades and how many housewives ran back to careers (leaving DD/DS in care of a 19yo Lithuanian girl who's mobile number is the only bit of info you have on her?) thinking they were letting the side (and family budget) down by not being superwoman and juggling both. It's tough.
Best answer, concentrate on insisting you get 'male' level pay rises so you can afford to switch over roles at some point. Or sue them. You're worth it.
He'll value a notion of 'worth' in 10yrs time if he gets to switch roles & contribute even if he cannot equal your £-earning capacity.
As a final note; would you prefer it the other way round? If answer is yes, consider finding a banker instead. Just be honest with yourself and do not judge yourself. Enough other nasty types will cover that for you!
Watch Modern Families ((Cam & Mitch)) for further help on this (they switch) or talk it through thoroughly with him. Prepare for the fact that either of you / both will change your minds in future.
Good luck, hopefully (all signs are good) you've got quite a decent chap there !

Xmasbaby11 · 30/06/2016 19:38

I'd expect him to get another job to supplement his income. That's an incredibly low wage and most people who are educated and skills would feel driven to earn more than that. He can work while building up his business. It's not so much the money as the attitude that I would struggle with.

You have a cleaner and no kids - there's really not that much housework to do, so Imo he has plenty of time to improve his prospects.

Splitting the time off with the baby is another matter and that sounds good.

TheWernethWife · 30/06/2016 19:41

OP you came on here asking for peoples opinion. You have had that now but still keep trying to get "the one you want"

Xmasbaby11 · 30/06/2016 19:42

As you say it's early days. He may change his mind about looking after the baby when it happens. Or you might. I think it's a bit dangerous to rely on one sole breadwinner and it is very unusual in most circles these days.

It doesn't sound like your dp is taking advantage of you - he's just in an in between place and seems to be still looking at options.

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2016 19:51

Conside finding a banker instead? !

scarlets · 30/06/2016 20:05

Nothing wrong with his being a SAHD if that's what you're working towards as s family. However, in the current absence of children, a cleaner isn't necessary and he should be looking for temporary paid work rather than indulging in a pipe-dream. We'd all love a cleaner and to spend significant time on our hobby, but life isn't like that.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 30/06/2016 20:05

I'm not keen on either being financially dependant on anyone, nor anyone being financially dependant on me. So this set up wouldn't work for me. I suspect many other people will not like it either.

But if you are happy, so be it. Just accept this isn't a common scenario and develop a thick hide.

branofthemist · 30/06/2016 20:06

So you have only been employed for 1.5 weeks? And he has no income?

It's not really secure position for either of you at that moment.

Also to be honest, 5 weeks in setting up your own business is not a long time.

If I was without someone who moved from business to business, knew his failings but didn't face up to them and tackle them and didn't put any real effort into actually improving and building the business....then the relationship wouldn't go anywhere

I would support, however, a partner setting a new business up and would do my best to support it. Provided they were doing their best to get the business up and running and working on their weaknesses.

It really depends on his attitude. But 5 weeks with no clients yet, isn't hugely unusual and I think you both should expect it to take longer. Wether you can live with it taking a long time is really only a decision you can make.

branofthemist · 30/06/2016 20:07

And what is he doing with his free time to get clients?

Marmalade85 · 30/06/2016 20:35

How can someone who is self employed not be any good at telling people about his business? I think you will resent his laziness in time.

Also as a SAHD he will be your children's primary carer so they would live with him if you split and you would have to pay maintenance and also possibly settlement if you marry him.

notinagreatplace · 30/06/2016 20:37

Definitely don't think there's an issue with being a female breadwinner. But I think there are a few things to think through:

There are loads of women like your DP with "hobby" type careers but the difference is that women generally expect to take on the primary caregiver role and usually have a fair understanding of what that means. They are also almost always on maternity leave leave for at least a few months at the beginning. I suspect that your DP - just because most men don't - hasn't really thought about what having a child would mean for him.

I think it's really worth discussing with him, in depth, what sorts of things he would need to pick up at home. So, not just looking after the baby or pickups/dropoffs but also things like medical appointments for the child, school uniform, school events, homework all of that stuff. I know some of that is many years down the track but I think the fact that you had to point out to him that leaving the dishes in the sink for you when he was at home all day and you were at work suggests that it is worth being quite explicit about what having a baby will mean for him.

More specifically, I think you'll need to think about whether he will be a SAHD or just the primary caregiver - your OP was a bit ambiguous on that - I think I'd suggest that if his business isn't making enough to cover childcare by the time that you reach that point, he should be a SAHD.

I would also suggest that you're really honest with yourself on what you think you would expect to do if you were at home, not earning much at all, and your DP was working full-time and doing a reasonably long commute by the sounds of things - is he really doing "more than his fair share" at home? I don't think a "fair share" in this situation is half.

notinagreatplace · 30/06/2016 20:40

"Also as a SAHD he will be your children's primary carer so they would live with him if you split and you would have to pay maintenance and also possibly settlement if you marry him."

Well, obviously, children would live with their primary carer. I don't think many women would be impressed if their husbands gave this as a reason for them not to be SAHMs... I find this kind of point really sexist.

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