AIBU to be the sole breadwinner?

[stumblymonkey]

Not a thread about a thread but another thread has got me thinking plus other comments MNetters have made.

I'm 33 and have been with my DP for almost 2 years. We are very happy and are getting engaged and trying to conceive.

I've always been quite successful in my career and have now gone freelance which means I earn a six figure salary.

DP's 'career' has never really taken off. He's a strength coach (personal trainer). When I met him he had his own gym but after two years it wasn't making enough money to pay him more than £300-600 per month. Now he's starting again as a PT in another small scale gym but marketing isn't his strong point and he doesn't have any clients yet (though he does do some marketing its just not been effective).

Since we moved in together a year ago I have paid for everything. At first because the gym wasn't making a profit but I said I'd give him a year to try and make it work since we had enough money. It's been about five weeks now since it folded and he's still not earning money.

In every other way he's my perfect partner: we have fun, I trust him completely, he is kind, loyal, patient. He does his fair share around the house and probably more than me sometimes. He often has a cup of tea ready for me and the dinner cooking when I get in.

It's sort of a role reversal....if we have DC then he will be the primary carer as I work in London.

My friends say they love him but they couldn't live with someone who relied on them financially...

Interested in thoughts...AIBU to marry what MN call a 'cocklodger'?

Notin not quite sure how it is sexist? Just something that OP may not have considered.

Why is it sexist? It's as much or even more a consideration for men as women: I know lots of men who wouldn't want their partner to SaH, including for that reason.

His gym wasn't a job, it wasn't profitable enough to take a decent or even minimum wage from, so was a failed business. He is now not earning and doesn't seem to have much idea about finding clients (which is not your job to help him with).

He should try to get a job as an employee, eg teaching, leisure centre.

Why are you ttc when he is a crap earner who's got no paternity pay entitlement and you are not entitled to much maternity as you're new in your job?

I can't see the problem either! OP, if your partner gives you love, stability, warmth, would make a great dad and is fab around the house, you would be an absolute FOOL to let him go.
Get married, have kids and in sure he will be a wonderful stay at home parent, giving you the freedom to excel at your career.
Me and my DH both work in jobs we enjoy and have two kids and it's a headache juggling all the commitments, school holidays and so on.
It would be far easier if one of us was willing to give up work quite frankly. The house and kids would not all balance on a knife edge like they do now.
Celebrate the fact you've found a great partner who loves you, who isn't threatened by your earning potential and who wants to be a great dad.
Sounds wonderful to me. Don't listen to anyone who has daft ideas about what should be a "traditional set up".
By all means encourage him to work before kids... But I wouldn't let his lack of earning power be a deal breaker

Personally I wouldn't be happy with someone who relied on me for financial support and didn't have a real job - you said he earned 33-600 a month - that's not eve minimum wage

Whilst five weeks is a very short amount of time for establishing a new business, does he have plans for how to attract clients, how to build his business? What is he projecting he will earn? Is this a realistic career- do people earn good salaries from it, is it too competitive, does he have the right skills and experience to attract and retain clients? What is his plan B if this business doesn't work, and how long will he give it before moving on? Are there options for employment in a related field e.g. in a large gym to get experience? Can he take a part time job whilst establishing his business?

I would support a long term partner setting up a viable business, but I would expect them to help themselves too, by establishing savings beforehand or working part time, and I would expect the business plans to have goals and that they would stop if it wasn't working.

It could take you a year + to conceive, then 9 months pregnancy, then 6 months of mat leave for you, so no I wouldn't be happy supporting someone to stay at home for potentially over 2 years before they take on the role of sahp. Given that you have only just moved in together, I think agreeing to support him with no clear role for 2 years is daft!

Do you want to work ft whilst he is a SAHD? Would he step up? I'm finding the comment that he 'probably' does more housework concerning! Also yes if you married then divorced he may get custody of your kids and you may be liable for spousal maintenance.

Has he actually got the personality to be a PA?

My ex was really into health and fitness and wanted to become a PT, but he simply didn't have any the personality for it.

You have to be dynamic and able to put yourself out there, relate to people of all levels of fitness,and ultimately, sell yourself.

He's not so much a low earner as a no earner.

I'd be fine being the breadwinner. Don't see it as a problem having a SAHD, though DH and I would always want to both keep working/having an income source (and tbh I think the point about primary carers in the event of a split is something for anyone wanting a sole earner scenario to consider...). However I wouldn't be particularly keen to do this in the long term with an able bodied, NT partner before we had children. Unless maybe our home took a significant amount of management or they were a carer or temporarily studying or something. It's a completely different equation when there are kids involved. But I know people who've done it, though admittedly always the woman as the homemaker, without any children. And they've managed fine.

You will also have to make a plan for maternity/parental leave, as other posters have mentioned.

I'm off to bed in a second so will have to answer most tomorrow but for the questions about why we're trying to conceive now when he has no income and I've only been in work 1.5 weeks...

I have a significant sum saved from redundancy (enough to cover six months off work) and my earnings are £6-8k per month so I can save a lot in the 8 months of pregnancy....I've done the figures and it would all be fine.

You are a high earner! (No doubt I'll get loads of people on here telling me their dhs earn multiples of that amount). Loads of men have wives who don't work and run the home - run errands, boom holidays etc. Opinion is never that strong on those women.

But he isn't her spouse
He doesn't run the home

Yes plenty if couples do have this arrangement, usually after having DC, or at least after marriage, but it seems odd to have it when they first move in together and kids could be years away

True.

I agree with Stealth. I known loads of women who spent months planning weddings/planning the biting of houses etc and never really worked before marriage. The. Became a sahp.
Nobody batted an eyelid.
Yes encourage him to earn more/establish something, but it's not the end of the world OP.
Also, his confidence may have taken a total battering after his gym failed.
I'm finding people not this thread really harsh (and yet other threads are full of non-working women defending their position to the hilt!)

Sorry for typos, hope you got the gist.
Maybe I just know a lot of women who lived off their partners pre marriage.
Their partners seemed very happy I have to say!

Tbh I tend to find it a bit odd when women do it. But it seems fairly accepted.

I only know two women who didn't work before DC, both of whom had health problems.

He has been working. His business has folded. It is sad time for him he needs to nice on. But a few weeks adjusting to that reality is OK.

Don't partnerships support each other in difficult times?

He is not a Cocklodger but he is in a difficult patch right now.

If it were 5 months and he still brought home no money is be singing from the same hymn sheet as the rest of you. But it has been a few weeks.

Op is a high earning woman with a (presumably, as he is a PT) very hot young man waiting for her at home who has cooked dinner and will wake her in the morning with a hot cup of tea.

That sounds like a fantasy to me right there!

Well if that OP wants that type of arrangement she can, but it sounds like when they moved in together they expected his gym would start yielding a decent wage soon, so the OP hadn't planned to support a stay at home partner long term. He is trying another self employed business, so still the intention is that he will work- what are the parameters around this, how long will he try this business for, what will they've count as success, how long will the OP support him for? It sounds like it's all a bit vague and open ended and that this situation has arisen rather than be a chosen plan between them.

I know quite a few people in London on similar salaries to the OP and none support a stay at home partner pre kids. Obviously people can do that if they choose to, but it seems an odd decision.

Plenty of couples have unequal incomes so I don't think it's the money itself, but the work that both are putting into the life they are building together. Currently the OP is earning the money, paying the cleaner, doing half the cooking, some of the laundry and all of the admin, which sounds unequal and as though it may limit her choices in future, e.g. if she wants to scale back work after kids or suffers an illness.

How did he manage financially with such a small income before you moved in together, OP? What would he have done if you hadn't invited him to move in with you? What are his reasons for trying self employment again rather than an employed position?

OP, I have been sole and then majority (5x DH) earner for the last 16 years.

My DH has been SAHP to 3 DCs since youngest was 1 month old.

My DH took the view that running the household was his job. He ensured that all housework was completed during the day. He did all cooking, cleaning, laundry. This meant that weekends were free for family activities.

If your DP can do this then no problem. However, if you need to have a cleaner, have to do regular significant housework when you get home then I would say that is a problem.

However, your life, your choice.

Doesn't seem like a cock lodger but he does sound a bit useless and a dreamer. He could get a job in someone else's gym and bring home some money.

It'd be different if he actually 'ran the home', but...he's basically unemployed, you have no children, yet instead of him doing the cleaning you pay a cleaner?!

I'm gobsmacked at how little he actually does.

And yes, you are a high earner, but not that high that there aren't better things you could be doing with your money, tbh.

I dunno. I wouldn't be happy with it.

I'm the breadwinner, on nowhere near as much as you, and DH is the SAHD. I don't consider him relying on me financially- he's never earned much and without him being at home we'd be making a loss on childcare.

he's basically unemployed, you have no children, yet instead of him doing the cleaning you pay a cleaner?!

but he shouldn't be at home all day doing the housework. He should be out drumming up clients.

It's difficult to tell wether he is one of these people who will always move from one failed business to the next or just going through a bad patch.

Just depends on what effort he is putting in.

I have a friend who is a very successful PT. he is fully booked 8 hours day and has a waiting list. He also now has his own gym. He is still fully booked with clients (which is his wage) and the gym members cover the running of the gym. How did it work in your DPs gym?

My friend spent hours in the gym he worked from, before he got his own, talking to people saying hello. Giving free advice when asked, meeting members. It took about a year before he was running a profit. He had another job in the evenings to earn a bit of money. Can your DP do another job while building his client base and what is he doing to build that base?

Personally if you suspect he is a cock lodger you shouldn't be TTC or eating married. Why would you?

You may have a well paying job. But it's not really secure within the UK for the first 2 years. If you are TTC and he is going to be a sahd (possibly fairly soon) what will he do with his clients if his business does take off.

NickyWires big difference is that there's no childcare so your situation is completely different.

I am the sole earner for similar reasons and after several years and two small DC it's really grating. I commute several hours a day and I feel I miss out on a lot with the children and he's still trying to make a business work that essentially I'm supporting. I know relationships are about teamwork but I would have liked the opportunity to be freelance and set up my own business and always said this, so feel frustrated and trapped pushing my way up the career ladder. It's whatever works for you both. My DH is great with the children but some men find it incredibly hard.