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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let boyfriend stay in room while me and flatmate are away?

88 replies

95percentcompromise · 30/06/2016 00:31

Flatmate and boyfriend know each other and get on. We are both away for a week's living back home (students) and flat is empty. He spends about half the week there anyway. Plan is for him to sleep in my room when I'm away technically replacing me. Any issues?

OP posts:
pearlylum · 30/06/2016 08:06

I'd be pretty pissed off if a randomer stayed in my flat while I was away.

Your boyfriend needs to sort out his own place.

whois · 30/06/2016 08:07

Ugh you can't have him staying there for half the week. That is not on. House mate is renting with ONE other person (you) not two.

His place isn't very nice? Aw didums. Not sure that's your housemates problem.

If you want to live with him, move out and live together. Having partners round all the time breads resentment in house shares.

Also I wouldn't be happy about him staying there on his own when I wasn't there.

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 08:09

If he's technically replacing you is he paying your share of the rent ?
He sounds like he's taking the piss out of both of you.
If he doesn't like where he lives he could move (tis the time of year for students to do so) or you and he could move in together and he could pay his fair share instead of expecting you and your (rightfully pissed off) flat mate to subsidise him. If you were single would you be happy for someone to freeloading and clutter up your flat for half the week every week just because he was sleeping with your flat mate ?

londonrach · 30/06/2016 08:09

Can i just add...at the time i lived with 6 people at uni if which 5 including that couple had long term others. Over 15 years later the ones who had long term others are married to those same people who they were with at uni. Some stayed over but never more than a day or so. I used to love it when just our flatmates were there! The couple in question split up within a few months of leaving the uni house and years later she married someone else and befriended us all back on fb apologising for the bill situation. Its all been forgotten now and we talk on fb although im still unsure what happened with that final bill and the person who organised the bills. I paid my bit in full and expecting couple bf not to pay half expected to pay an extra amount but no one asked me so he must have paid.

whois · 30/06/2016 08:16

Also it's not just about money for bills - having your boyfriend staying there totally changed the dynamic of the flat share.

So don't think you can offer to pay more money and that will make her happy.

Its shit when someone moves in their partner.

bakeoffcake · 30/06/2016 08:18

I'm confused.

Is your flatmate actually in the flat when your b/f stays? If they aren't then I don't see a problem.

AyeAmarok · 30/06/2016 08:22

I don't think you and your BF have been very fair or considerate to your flatmate.

TheCrumpettyTree · 30/06/2016 08:28

I'm confused

Is your flatmate actually in the flat when your b/f stays? If they aren't then I don't see a problem.

Maybe because the flat mate is paying for half the electricity and gas the b/f is using?

MeMySonAndl · 30/06/2016 08:32

And if he dislikes his place so much, and neither of you are there to check, how can you be so sure he will be there just half of the week?

We had people staying at my house for free while I was away, they didn't need to pay the bills, they were there to keep an eye in the house. But... Both my ex and I trusted each of these persons 150%, there is no way we would had agreed to anyone staying in their own if either of us had the faintest idea that they had been inconsiderate at other times in our friendship. Unfortunately... If your flatmate is already resenting him, I really don't see why she would agree to up with this.

KoalaDownUnder · 30/06/2016 08:36

bakeoff - eh? So you wouldn't care if, say, a friend of a friend decided to stay in your house while you were away on holiday? Just because it was nicer than theirs?

You are very unusual, then.

Andrewofgg · 30/06/2016 08:37

apatheticfallacy I don't usually point out typos because we all make them but does he cover bulls is a gem!

OP You are hereby appointed MN Pisstaker-General. An odd night in an emergency, yes, beyond that, of course not.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 30/06/2016 08:43

If OP's flatmate is amenable to ppl staying in the flat when she and OP aren't there, there are probably more profitable ways subletting they could facilitate this than via a non-paying boyf using the place as a crash pad and running up bills.

Doesn't look like OP's coming back though.

bakeoffcake · 30/06/2016 08:46

I've been in flat shares, no I wouldn't and didn't mind friends/boyfriends staying if I wasn't there and occasionally when I was there. We were quite an accommodating lot.

I do realise people are different. Whilst at uni DD1 and her friends had an agreement that friends/boyfriends only stated with the advanced agreement of everyone else. DD2 and her friends let everymanand his dog (literally!) stay and are very welcoming of it.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/06/2016 08:46

If I was your flat mate I wouldn't mind your BF staying all the time if I liked him, if I didn't it would be an issue.

If we were both away I'd rather have him stay, than not. I don't like the house being empty.

bakeoffcake · 30/06/2016 08:58

"I don't like the house being empty"

Same here.

LadyAntonella · 30/06/2016 09:04

Sorry I think YABU. You are comfortable with him staying in your flat but your flat mate clearly isn't which is why she's grumpy. It would be unfair to let him. Maybe you would be happier getting a place with your bf next time you move?

2rebecca · 30/06/2016 09:23

you need to both move out and find a place together if you want to live together. His crappy flat is his problem to sort, not your flat mate's. I agree once a week staying max if flat mate grumpy about it.
He has a flat, it isn't your flat.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/06/2016 09:24

I think you're massively taking the piss, to be honest.

Living with a couple is not the same as living with someone who's single or someone who has their BF to stay every other weekend.

Your flatmate is essentially subsidising your boyfriend (by paying half of the increase in bills) and she has to compromise her living space for someone she didn't choose to live with! Very unfair imo.

If you don't want the flat left empty, you need to coordinate going home with your flatmate so someone is always there, you don't get to move your boyfriend in and make her pay for his gas/electricity usage at the same time!

witsender · 30/06/2016 09:25

It's a no from me, not without asking her first.

MadHattersWineParty · 30/06/2016 09:30

My ex-housemate moved her Aussie boyfriend into ours for three months. He sat around in his pants most of the time and they'd both hog the lounge draped over eachother. He never went out so he'd be lazing around all day when she went to work, and I was working shifts at the time so I really felt like had no time at home to myself at all when all I wanted to do was eat and relax in peace during the day before I went back to work. It was the summer so we had a few bbqs where he'd contribute nothing and she waited on him.

When he left he bought us a bag of minstrels. And she wrote a note to say 'thanks, Ben had a great time (I'll bet he did, three months in London for free) he would have bought you a present or left some money for bills but he's broke :( '

Ugh it proper gave me the rage!!!! I had a boyfriend at the time too but we spent equal amounts of time in eachother's places and didn't subject everyone to us snogging all over the sofa.

2nds · 30/06/2016 09:35

I'd say no.

If he breaks something it's your responsibility to fix it or replace it. Would insurance pay out if HE damages the property accidentally or otherwise?

There are legal implications for you if anything happens. I say lock the place up and tell him no.

NicknameUsed · 30/06/2016 09:37

I'm with the majority on here.

"It could lead to issues if something breaks or goes missing while he's there."

Yes. For a start it would your contents insurance would be invalid.

Why don't you and your boyfriend find your own place together?

NicknameUsed · 30/06/2016 09:38

I should have proof read that.

Yes. For a start your contents insurance would be invalid

RiverTam · 30/06/2016 09:42

Not without your flatmate's explicit permission.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 30/06/2016 09:45

Yabu

Flatmate is already unhappy and rightly so

This situation ONLY works if everyone is happy. In an old flatshare I was in my flatmates boyfriend (who had previously visited about once or twice a week for a year or more) moved in but I knew him, liked him, he worked full time and had hobbies so wasn't ALWAYS THERE, and he was the cleanest of the three of us! They're now married with a mortgage and a baby and I still see them regularly.

But your situation isn't going to end well because you and bf are taking the piss