asking for your help in dealing with a precocious child who bullies ds?

[midlifehope]

DS is 4 and has a speech delay due to hearing problems and a difficult birth. I have noticed of late that an issue is occurring between him and a precocious 5 year old in his class, who lacks emotional maturity. My ds by contrast is quite emotionally warm and thoughtful. The other boy half plays with him, and initiates play. However, the boy includes a lot of snide laughing, and physical stuff. Ds came home with a bruise on his back, caused by this boy pushing him over. I have witnessed them 'playing' together in a tent, which has deteriorated into this boy kneeling on my son's chest until he can't breathe (as soon as I heard this I intervened and told the boy that friends don't hurt each other). Please tell me how to sort this out - I cannot bare to think of DS getting bullied in this way, but I don't want to read too much into 'normal' roughhousing and go storming in and speaking to the teacher when it could 'blow over' as it might make things worse - please give me some ideas!

You talk to the teacher. Have you tried that yet?

Not yet - i should also add that awkwardly, I'm friends with the son's dad as we work together (and not so much the mother, who I find a little overbearing,).

I find it difficult to approach the teacher, as they are never alone, they always seem to be in packs, or too busy to talk. I feel I may have chosen the wrong school.

In the nicest possible way, you're just going to have to get used to it. You have 14 years of shook ahead of you and you're going to have to interact with teachers.

This sounds fairly minor in the grand scheme of things. With my daughter when we've had similar I've phrased it as "dd says this happened. I know they're not totally reliable at this age but could you keep a special eye to make sure it's not a problem". Maybe you'd find that kind of approach easier rather than feeling you have to go in all guns blazing?

Shook? School, that should say. 14 years of shock too for all of us probably

Is your DS upset by these incidents? I used to teach 4 and 5 year olds and they were very rough with each other all the time - if a parent had asked me to stop rough play I'd have had to pin all their arms to their sides!

Surely you'd just go and speak to the teacher? Although I would stick to the facts, i.e. rough play being too extreme and your ds not enjoying it. Rather than your horrid personal views on the other child, or how you perceive they compare to yours.

I'm not sure you can apply the 'lacks emotional maturity' epithet to a child of 5. He's five! Of course he lacks emotional maturity!

I'm not sure a 4 year old a can be snide! You need to talk to the teacher if he's hurting your son. I would say be careful how you word it as children change and go through phases so your son may one day play a bit too rough or hurt another child. You might be on the other side of this one day and you probably wouldn't like someone calling your child snide.

You don't have to 'storm in' anywhere.

If the teacher isn't alone, just say "Excuse me, could I have a quick word in private please?"

This is what parents and teachers do all the time. You'll get used to it.

Raise your concerns with teacher

If their are incidents happening make a note of dates and what the individual incidents are

You could also suggest yourself don't play with X or why don't you play with y or get them involved in play dates/ activities where other kids are there

I do agree most very young children are not snide but some are inclined to be more sensitive or more boisterous - one of the issues at this age is that teachers sees kids playing together assumes they are happy to do so and are friends and so sees no problem - the child having the problem or feeling uncomfortable may be too young to articulate what the issue is and so it gets awkward

I have a 5 year old and have found the rough play hard to deal with.

Can you equip ds with the skills to say 'stop'oce taught my ds to say in a deep voice don't push, he has to use his words first but then if it continues he's allowed to push back. Not sure that's the right thing but I fed the only way to deal with bullies us is to stand up for themselves.

Yes, I have made an effort to have other school boy friends to our house and sounds good equipping him with skills. I still have an issue with going to the teacher as I feel I might be making a mountain out of a molehill

Phone the school and ask to talk to the teacher.
Stop making sweeping comments about the child and one of his parents.
You seem to be mapping out your child's whole school life based on one bruise and one thing you witnesses.
Plus you need to equip your child with the words to say "don't do that" and walk away or tell a teacher if upset.

phone school, make an appointment with the teacher and discuss your concerns. You don't have to go in all angry, teachers are caring people and want the best for their class. If you go in calmly and explain your worried about your ds.

I have a middle ds with hearing and speech delay and have had several appointment chats with teacher just to check his progress, how friendships were doing and to see if his iep was on track. No harm in touching base with teacher and getting their thoughts

Thanks Rubble, that sounds like a sensible approach.

Say something. A boy in DS2's class at that age was very rough with him. I had to have words several times. He grew out of it and they were quite close friends for several years. He's a gentle child now, just went through a phase.