DSS and his boyfriend - bedroom rules

[Sherlocked1606]

DH accidentally walked in on DSS and his Boyfriend kissing on DSS'S bed last night. We were unaware that DSS was seeing him (or anyone really).

Previously we have spoken to DSS about having girlfriends in his room. DH and DSS have had a chat about safe sex, consent, not doing anything that he isn't comfortable with etc. There was also a bedroom rule. The rule is either the door is open or they stay in the living room. This rule applies until both DSS and any girlfriend are 16.

DH wants to have a chat with DSS and introduce the same rule with his now boyfriend. I think as the risk of pregnancy is zero having this rule isn't fully necessary. I suggested a closed door is ok but we have a knock and enter rule instead.

DH thinks thinks I am being unreasonable that the rules should be the same irrespective of whether DSS has a girl or boyfriend. Obviously we haven't mentioned our disagreement to DSS and he knows we are supportive of him no mater who he dates. DSS and the other boy are 15.

So what do you think? Should the rule be the same? Aibu?

Yes the rules should be the same, they are both underage regardless of their gender!

Agree with your dh

Not unreasonable but I think boy or girl, the 16 age rule and same rules should be applied to be fair to all of the children.

so your rationale for the rules previously was solely to prevent pregnancy?

So the only reason you don't want him having sex is the risk of pregnancy?

I agree with your dh. I can't quite understand why you don't.

dh is right Imo. neither are 16.

You should have the same rule, whether it a gf or bf, otherwise it gets confusing.

Another who agrees with your DH here

Can you imagine how this would go down if the genders were reversed (ie your son was fine to have sex with a girl but not a boy)?

You need a consistent rule.

15 year olds on the whole are not emotionally mature enough to be having sex imo. They definitely aren't legally old enough. Your dss and his bf are at just as much risk of emotional hurt, health consequences, coercion and control as a boy and girl would be. Send a clear and sensible message - no hanky panky in the house and doors open! It's not about pregnancy!

They're quite young still. There's the risk of STDs to consider. Has DH given DSS the talk re STD?

Needs to be consistent... Weather boy or girl is underage.. So I would insist on a doors open policy whenever boy/girlfriend is visiting

Agree with everyone else. Your DH is right. Rules should be applied consistently.

Yep rules should be the same regardless of gender. Please have the safe sex talk with him.

Two issues:

1. stds - make sure safe sex talk understood
2. being underage - if both nearly 16, I'd be ok with door closed whenever they want. If only just 15, I'd allow them to have door pushed to (ie open an inch or two) so they could have some privacy, kissing etc but not enough privacy to both get naked iyswim

It doesn't matter the gender of each party in the relationship, the fact is at 15 they are immature and the door open/living room policy also gives them some safety to not being pressurised into anything they don't feel comfortable with and also reduces a bit what they will get up to (Full penetrative sex, oral, heavy petting) also you do need to cover STD's with male to male sex as well as male to female a good article is here

Sorry if I wasn't clear. DH initial rationale was they would be and she may become pregnant. My thinking is that while they are underage there isn't the same risk if you see what I mean.

I had sex at 14. I wish I had waited. DH also had sex while underage and has discussed this with DSS.

Wow. Of course your husband is right.

The existing bedroom rule was theoretical as DSS has never (us knowing) brought a girlfriend over.

I can't believe how lenient people are! I would never have been allowed a boyfriend anywhere near my bedroom and it was never even an issue - I knew not to even ask. I kissed boys but that would be outside the house, - sex just wasn't on the agenda. Once I started living with someone it changed and we would stay overnight with my parents, together.

I'm horrified at the thought that a parent would deem it ok for 15 year olds to be behind closed doors, knowing that they're getting 'steamy'.

Tatty I agree but we're a dying breed.

same rules should apply as they are still young. STI and STDs are still a risk even if pregnancy isnt.

I completely agree with your DH.

The same rule has to apply to everyone, regardless of gender. If you've previously said they have to be 16, then that's the rule regardless of whether DSS is gay, straight or bisexual.

I was allowed boyfriends in my room at 15/16 but again, doors open all the time - knowing my parents could walk past any minute was enough to stop anything above kissing ever happening!