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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS and his boyfriend - bedroom rules

63 replies

Sherlocked1606 · 29/06/2016 14:53

DH accidentally walked in on DSS and his Boyfriend kissing on DSS'S bed last night. We were unaware that DSS was seeing him (or anyone really).

Previously we have spoken to DSS about having girlfriends in his room. DH and DSS have had a chat about safe sex, consent, not doing anything that he isn't comfortable with etc. There was also a bedroom rule. The rule is either the door is open or they stay in the living room. This rule applies until both DSS and any girlfriend are 16.

DH wants to have a chat with DSS and introduce the same rule with his now boyfriend. I think as the risk of pregnancy is zero having this rule isn't fully necessary. I suggested a closed door is ok but we have a knock and enter rule instead.

DH thinks thinks I am being unreasonable that the rules should be the same irrespective of whether DSS has a girl or boyfriend. Obviously we haven't mentioned our disagreement to DSS and he knows we are supportive of him no mater who he dates. DSS and the other boy are 15.

So what do you think? Should the rule be the same? Aibu?

OP posts:
grumpysquash · 29/06/2016 15:30

I think your DH have a point.
However, flip it over and think about the consequences of giving him no privacy with his partner. They might end up having sex in a bush in the park or at someone else's house, or even in a public toilet.
I'm not advocating underage sex, but gently pointing out that you can't always avoid it by the bedroom door rule. And anyway, they may be exploring without any intention of penetrative sex.

TBH I think 15 is basically ok from a maturity point of view.

Lunar1 · 29/06/2016 15:31

Do open no matter what at this age!

RestlessTraveller · 29/06/2016 15:32

TattyCat people do have underage sex and if it's going to happen it's bettrr to be doing it with an informed mind and somewhere safe.

I don't think anyone here is being lenient, everyone has pretty much agreed that they should wait until they are 16.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/06/2016 15:32

Think you need to be consistent. Same rule for everyone although I agree that, if I'm being scrupulously honest, pregnancy was my biggest concern with mine.

Thought I had good communication around these topics with my DCs, but was disconcerted when I was proved right. My 16 yo DS cheerfully told me - on a train, in front of his friend - that he was sexually active. He thought I'd want to know. I mentioned pregnancy and he rolled his eyes at me. Did that long drawn out "Muuuum" and told me of course he'd researched it and they were very careful. Which I didn't doubt. But I'd rather have remained in blissful ignorance, tbh. Blush

scarlets · 29/06/2016 15:33

Pregnancy is off the table, but nothing else is, so the same rules should apply.

Original poster
Sherlocked1606 · 29/06/2016 15:35

I would hope DSS is not having sex until he is older. I don't want DSS to feel like I did at that age. My parents were very against boyfriends and having them in the house. I ended up having sex with my then boyfriend in a park. I felt shame and couldn't talk to my mum about it. I personally would rather he does it in a safe environment and is able to talk to DH and I then not. I guess we don't want to do wrong for the want of doing right.

I'll tell DH the rule should be the same and to have him re-discuss safe sex etc with DSS as a refresher.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 29/06/2016 15:40

Bf or gf no matter id not allow closed doors underage yes i know they can do it wherever but im old fashioned

Lweji · 29/06/2016 15:40

I do think the rules should be the same regardless of the sex, and whatever those rules are.

milbracat · 29/06/2016 15:41

I might also add that as the boy is your DSS, he is the biological son of your DH, so I think your DH's rules regarding the boy's wellbeing trump yours OP.

TattyCat · 29/06/2016 15:54

milbracat

I disagree. It's Ops home too so she has every right to veto anything she's uncomfortable with. Particularly with something actually against the law.

Original poster
Sherlocked1606 · 29/06/2016 15:56

milbracat I ment I'll tell DH I now agree with him. While DSS isn't my biological child, I have been the primary maternal figure in his life. Not that matters.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/06/2016 15:56

TattyCat

you got it in reverse:
"I suggested a closed door is ok but we have a knock and enter rule instead."

It's the dad who wants the door open.

iloveeverykindofcat · 29/06/2016 16:00

--i'm not advocating underage sex, but gently pointing out that you can't always avoid it by the bedroom door rule

This is true. Trust me

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/06/2016 16:04

tatty

no one's being lenient. an open door is a safer compromise I think than not allowing anyone through the door in the first place. somewhere safe is important.

in a car or mates house or at a party there's no where fir either to go if they feel pressured or don't have access to contraception or whatever.

at his house he can ask o's dad or step mum to get him.to leave and to know they accept he has a boyfriend means that he might be more open to talking about things rather than thinking the whole thing is sone dirty secret.

I'd want my dd to be able to talk to me

MrsJayy · 29/06/2016 16:13

I think rightly or wrongly some parents default setting is opposite sex bf/gf but I think as a pp said we have to have the same rules whatever they may be regardless underage sex is underage sex i had a slightly ajar door Grin for dd at that age for bfs soo they had some privacy

VoleSnuffle · 29/06/2016 16:22

I would go with door open, but also a conversation about sex in general.

You have said that you yourself had sex in a park, but that was probably before pretty much every teenager had a mobile phone with a camera on it ready to record and upload/share anything they want.

So the talk would be, safe sex, and where not to have it but this isn't boy/girl sex this would possibly be anal sex which would need a lot more thought. Personally I have never engaged in anal sex but I do watch videos on YouTube by an amazing sexologist called Lindsey Doe.

All her videos are amazing but there are ones about anal prep and anal sex.

My sister is gay and I have heard lots of horror stories about her gay male friends and issues regarding experimenting with anal sex and not being knowledgeable or worse, feeling knowledgeable where their information has come from an uneducated source.

So Lindsey Doe, who covers consent/relationships/kissing/love/sex everything.

GerdaLovesLili · 29/06/2016 16:23

Same rules for everyone, or else you will invoke the "it's soooooooo unfair" monster.

DinosaursRoar · 29/06/2016 16:23

Agree whatever rule you pick, it has to be consistant for whatever sexuality your DCs end up with. You don't want to be treating gay relationships as 'less significant' than straight ones.

Original poster
Sherlocked1606 · 29/06/2016 16:40

VoleSnuffle I'll get DH to show DSS the link. DH is out with DSS at the moment and will have a bit of a chat with him.

We just want to make sure DSS feels supported and encouraged to educate himself on sex and to help him to be responsible. I don't know how serious he is about his BF. We only discovered he was more than friends with the boy last night.

My parents were very unapproachable about sex and relationships as were DH's. I would rather be seen a bit lenient but approachable rather than not which could lead to DSS not being able to discuss things like this with us.

OP posts:
nuttymango · 29/06/2016 16:42

If they are underage then they are underage, sex/gender/sexual preference is irrelevant.

Fairylea · 29/06/2016 16:47

Tatty I am completely with you.

VestalVirgin · 29/06/2016 16:49

You have said that you yourself had sex in a park, but that was probably before pretty much every teenager had a mobile phone with a camera on it ready to record and upload/share anything they want.

Good point - I do not think that will stop teenagers from having sex in parks, though. I think it is just another danger to warn them about.

I don't think rules are so great, anyway - if your children really want, they will find a way around your rules.
Just have an open discussion and tell your children that they can always use the "My parents are against it" excuse if anyone tries to coerce them.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 29/06/2016 17:28

Same rules should apply

The risks of STDs, doing something he is uncomfortable about, etc are exactly the same. Pregnancy is the only one that's different. Surely that's not the only reason for 15 year olds not to have sex?!?

Marynary · 29/06/2016 17:42

In some ways I agree with your DH, but I don't think it is as straightforward as some posters think. You aren't always going to know if someone is a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friend. Are you going to now say that the door is open when anyone visits including, for example, people he has been friends with years? Will you apply the same rule to his siblings friends whether or not they are gay?

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 17:43

I think that you should have the same rule for all your kids. It's unfair otherwise.