AIBU to want my partner to tell me when hes coming home?

[F2016]

This could just be (is very likely to be) a "me thing" but AIBU to want my partner to tell me when hes coming home? From work or wherever, if he knows I'm at home, is it too much to expect him to drop me a message and let me know when roughly hes due back home??

I realise that its probably more important to me than to other people who wouldn't care, but on days when I'm at home and not at work or away, I think its manners to let the other person know when your going to be back home again. I do it without thinking.

For lots of reasons, sometimes its so I can time dinner being ready, sometimes its so I can tidy myself up after exercising, sometimes its because there's things I want to get finished before he gets home , sometimes its so I can be back at the house at the same time to decide on dinner or whatever. I just like to know!!!

Is this too much to expect?
I'm currently 35wks pregnant and resting on and off on the days that I'm home and sometimes not exercising or getting dressed until later in the day and doing housework etc in patches through the day instead of all at once, but I want to be presentable again by the time he gets home and I want the house to be reasonably presentable- its not that he insists on that or anything, its me that's wants that!!

All I want is a message with an approximation as hes home different times on different days. And some days its with his 2 kids ( as they are with us 5 days a week) so similarly again, planning meals etc, I want to know when to expect them!!!

I have brought it up time and time again and it makes me furious when he arrives home unannounced. It will continue to cause tension after the baby is born because I will then definitely want to know when to expect him home.
Too much to expect?

I wouldn't insist on knowing what time he was coming home but I would say 'I'm making dinner for 7.30, if you're not home you'll have to reheat yours' or whatever. I'd also expect him to be home in time to cook dinner a couple of evenings a week.

Id want to know too, especially if I'm cooking. It's polite. If he's bringing home hungry kids, he should be letting you know. My OH does most cooking, I text him if I'm late/stuck in traffic etc. Took me double the time to get home tonight, I knew he'd be prepping food, I text him half way, fair play, I think. I think YANBU.

I'd like a polite text too.

But if I were you I'd just stop making dinner.

I'm amazed at all these detached lives that you all live with your partners. So obsessed with not being controlled that you can't even send a quick text as a common courtesy.

Given that people managed relationships without 'sending a quick text' for almost all human history I'm not sure it makes you 'detached'. As it happens, I texted back and forth twice with my husband today (about the Labour no confidence vote); we just didn't feel the need to share the time we'd get home. Maybe that makes us 'detached'; I'm not fussed if so!

It's just manner to me, although I'd be more laid back if we didn't have kids - I want that info so I know whether I have to gear myself for doing the kids' bedtime routine or should eat alone because he's late and I'm too hungry to wait long. I also need him home so I can go out and want to warn people if he is late/has forgotten.

It can be hardest for stay at home parents who have small kids - the days are endless and with no adult company some days, I'd be crawling the walls waiting for him to come home, throw him the baby and lock myself away. Or I've had a bad day and want to talk to him, he's a friend as well as an independent adult.

Furious is a bit harsh, but we have all said OTT when a bit mad! I'm with you, it's just a nice thing to do and he 100% should do it if he is about to turn up with small alwayshungry mouths that want feeding! Especially if your being nice enough to do this feeding.

I think it is a personality thing & the furious bit is probably more of a pregnancy thing atm as it just pissed me off that he didn't do such a simple thing, especially as we were in a message conversation anyway & he didn't sat he was on route!
... I inherited 2 kids when we got together & as much as I live my partner dearly he's really really disorganised & impulsive. He'll pick the kids up & go play tennis in stead of heading home first so they are fed or check the clock to see if it's reasonable or going to mess up mid week homework /bedtime.
All of which are approximate!! I'm sincerly not a control freak or unwelcoming! I know we have different qualities & I'm more organised than he is, the 'deal' was that if wants me to be organised about kids/house (which some of you may know is challenging when kids spend time in 2 homes) then the payoff is that he needs to pay attention!! Not pay attention to me but to what I'm asking that aids shit ticking over & the kids having some sort of consistency, and me knowing roughly what time I have to do and sort stuff too, eg when I'm home after work & gushing how long to sit down or head out before all land home. Nothing 1950s about it, he doesn't even like his own cooking so I traded it for hoovering which I hate! (even more now at 35wks!)

Anyway thanks for the perspectives. I think it may read as controlling out of context as my tone was a pissed off one, but it's more the knock on effect for the rest of the evening!

*love my partner not live my partner!!
That's an unfortunate typo in this context! Thank you autocorrect!! 😁

You come on a little bit strong in your post OP, especially about needing to finish exercise and look presentable! It's your partner! But me and DP do send texts to let each other know, it's automatic.. Just to say we're leaving so need anything from the shop? Or "can't wait to get home" etc. Not controlling at all. We also have the find my friends app and there are zero trust issues. He does long motorway journeys and I can track where he is, check the car is still moving We're just close.

I don't think it's wrong to not want to look sweaty if that makes you feel happier, if he was demanding it then it would be different but OP clearly states that is her preference.

I don't really want my DP to see me with bright red cheeks from exercise, damp hair and sweaty patches and smelling a bit, if he did come home and happen upon me in this state then I wouldn't run away screaming "I'm hideous don't look at me" just that I'd rather keep my exercise and sweaty time all to myself :)

My DH's home time can vary by up to 6 hours, more if he's on call. Sometimes he remembers/has time to text or call if he's late, sometimes not.

It doesn't bother me either way, I have dinner ready about 7ish and the kids and I eat then. If he's home he eats, if not I put it on a plate to warm up. It's not a drama, because we both have the same attitude to it.

This is another one of those "everyone's different" things - clearly your DH is more relaxed about it than you are, and you are probably going to have to learn to loosen up a bit, or you will make both your lives miserable.

I always like to know when DH is expected back and he usually gives me an approximate time. It can vary from 2pm as he's just been to London for a quick meeting, or 9pm if he's further afield. We usually eat together after the kids so I wanted to know whether that would be at 8pm or 10pm!! Now we're eating with the kids more as they're older it matters less what time he's back, but I still like to know!!
I'm quite organised and it just helps me out to know when he's home - we are super busy and often have stuff on in the evenings so need to 'coordinate' our diaries to make sure there's one of us home with the kids. With him working from home or from 2 different offices, me self employed and working outside the home 1 evening and 1 day a week, and the whole family (adults included) playing hockey for a local club, and various other sports we have to be really organised with what's happening. So that naturally spills over into just letting each other know every day.
As my DH doesn't have a set routine I like to know where he is as a 'safety' thing as well (that if he's not home when he said I have an idea of where he should be). I remember being so worried on the day of the London bombings as I thought he was in town that day but in fact had gone to Hull!
I wouldn't be annoyed if the routine changed but I also quite like it if I think I have a quiet hour one evening to catch up on some TV and then he comes home early and wants to watch the rugby!!

queenoftheboys- sounds like our family. I'm not bothered either. My OH often doesn't know when he will be home. It's pointless asking him to text and give me an approx time as he often doesn't know himself. sometimes a job will look as if it is coming to an end but unexpected problems means he has to stay another couple of hours.
But that's the way his job works. we eat earlier and I save him some food. it's no big deal, we are all relaxed about it.

He isn't going to change, so I would recommend just doing what you need to do, making your own dinner, and letting him sort out himself and the children.

I wouldn't routinely tell dh or expect him to tell me what time he'll be home. But if it's out of the ordinary we will have already discussed it before hand as to what sort of time he is expecting to be back. For example tonight he is meeting friends after work so won't be home for tea.

I would only really expect to hear from him if his plans have changed for some reason or if he's been held up in traffic.

My DH will text if he's going to be more than about half hour later than his usual time. It helps me plan dinner and also I'll be desperate desperate to hand the baby to him, every minute he's late feels like an hour.

I get a text to confirm what train he has caught on the way home. I like to have a nice cup of tea with him when he gets in so once I know what train he's on, I know when to put the kettle on.

If he or I go out after work, we'll generally text each other before setting off back home, just so the other one knows an ETA. Basic courtesy and common sense IMO.

This could just be (is very likely to be) a "me thing" but AIBU to want my partner to tell me when hes coming home? From work or wherever, if he knows I'm at home, is it too much to expect him to drop me a message and let me know when roughly hes due back home??

if he were wanting you to report to him like this then the boards would light up with warning of controlling behaviour and abuse. It goes both ways. Calm down.

I can understand why you want him to let you know when he will be late- to stop you from worrying that something's happened or so you can know there will be jobs he can't do- but to resent him walking in unannounced doesn't sound like you think of it as his home as much as it is yours.

The sensible thing to do imo would be to ask him to let you know a standard time, then let you know when he will be later than that, and then make it clear that if he does arrive home earlier you will not be changing what you are doing for him. Agree to a standard dinner time and don't make it earlier just because he arrives earlier: then you won't be inconvenienced.

As for wanting to make yourself presentable or the house presentable before he arrives- that does sound a bit as if you are treating him like a stranger. This is not normal between spouses: is there a reason for this? To me, that would feel as if my dh was trying to keep me at arms' length.

I always was told that you tell the others in your household where you are going and what time youll be back, the reason being is that if youre not back then they know where to start looking, or in the worst case senario what to tell the police.

I don't see why it matters?

DP and I both get home whenever it suits us after work (no kids), sometimes I'll go for a bike ride, or meet friends or go for a wander round the shops. He often works late. Neither of us really lets the other know what's happening, we just turn up when we turn up!

I always was told that you tell the others in your household where you are going and what time youll be back, the reason being is that if youre not back then they know where to start looking, or in the worst case senario what to tell the police.

As, so that's why those who live alone are kidnapped with such alarming regularity.

Surely this is a rule for children, not adults!

MargaretCavendish Why the sarcasm? I assume Redexpat wasn't nessessarily talking about kidnapping.. Traffic accidents, accidents in general is my main concern and why I like to know when my OH is leaving/time he'll be home and vice versa...

Maybe I shouldn't have been sarcastic but I do think that's an extraordinarily fearful way to live. If people prefer to know when their partner is coming home obviously it's fine and up to them - although I had absolutely no idea until this thread that so many people do this as a matter of course! - but I think to jump straight to 'I need to know where you are all time IN CASE I HAVE TO COMMANDEER A SEARCH PARTY OR TELL THE POLICE' is heading towards unhinged.

Dh and I do text to say we're on way home because it can vary, and it's useful to know when to start dinner/whether to run dcs' bath and start bedtime solo or hang in ten mins or whatever.

I got VERY invested in when dh would be home when both babies were tiny, though. Sometimes counting down the minutes till another adult was going to be there was the only thing that kept me going