AIBU to want my partner to tell me when hes coming home?

[F2016]

This could just be (is very likely to be) a "me thing" but AIBU to want my partner to tell me when hes coming home? From work or wherever, if he knows I'm at home, is it too much to expect him to drop me a message and let me know when roughly hes due back home??

I realise that its probably more important to me than to other people who wouldn't care, but on days when I'm at home and not at work or away, I think its manners to let the other person know when your going to be back home again. I do it without thinking.

For lots of reasons, sometimes its so I can time dinner being ready, sometimes its so I can tidy myself up after exercising, sometimes its because there's things I want to get finished before he gets home , sometimes its so I can be back at the house at the same time to decide on dinner or whatever. I just like to know!!!

Is this too much to expect?
I'm currently 35wks pregnant and resting on and off on the days that I'm home and sometimes not exercising or getting dressed until later in the day and doing housework etc in patches through the day instead of all at once, but I want to be presentable again by the time he gets home and I want the house to be reasonably presentable- its not that he insists on that or anything, its me that's wants that!!

All I want is a message with an approximation as hes home different times on different days. And some days its with his 2 kids ( as they are with us 5 days a week) so similarly again, planning meals etc, I want to know when to expect them!!!

I have brought it up time and time again and it makes me furious when he arrives home unannounced. It will continue to cause tension after the baby is born because I will then definitely want to know when to expect him home.
Too much to expect?

it makes me furious when he arrives home unannounced

when he's coming home, to his own house? !

I prefer my DH to let me know when he's on his way home but he doesn't always do it.
I think you're going to have problems if you let yourself care too much about this. He's obviously not the kind of person who thinks to communicate like this and even if you get him to do it most days, there'll be days he forgets and then what are you going to do, be furious with him each and every time?
I have a tendency to get irritated with my DH for the way he's not great at texting sometimes and he won't communicate with me. But I also have to learn to accept him as he is and just pick my battles. He's an amazing father and husband, who cares if he doesn't text as much as I'd like?? We all have faults and I think nitpicking at this will just harm your relationship.
Sounds like your life is very ordered and neat but having a baby will really disrupt all that and the more flexible you can learn to be with the unexpected, the better.

My dh works for himself and what time he comes home varies hugely. I've given up even wondering what time he'll be in.

Stop planning your life around him being home.

Does it really matter if he has to wait an hour for dinner, or if you haven't had a shower yet? He's your husband, I'm sure he really doesn't care what you look like or whether there's food on the table unless he lives in the 50's

If he comes home and asks about dinner, just tell him you didn't know when he'd be back. If he brings his children home unnanounced, HE can cook them dinner and sort out portions. Why are you doing it all?

Surely you can just get on with whatever you're doing and he can slot in around you when he gets in from work?

YABU

I would like and expect to be told if he is going to be much later than expected so I don't worry, but that's it.

I would be pissed off if DH expected me to tell him when I was on the way home every time I went to work/ went out.

I sort of get what you're saying in regards to the 2 children unannounced so you can plan meals etc but..I would be really upset to find my oh furious for me daring to come home to my own house and I'd probably piss off back out again as it sounds very unwelcoming. And also the having to make yourself presentable thing, why? I understand the house wanting to be tidy for when he gets home kind of, but why would you care if he's home early and catches you in your pjs or whatever I'm genuinely curiois as to why that would matter.

Curious

Sorry but I'm another person who finds this odd, and who would really resent it if my husband asked me to tell me what time I'd be home every single night. We do try and give each other a vague idea, usually by saying (in the morning) something like 'I've got a meeting so home late' or 'going out for a drink after work so might not need dinner'. I'd let him know if I wouldn't be home until after 8 for dinner reasons. It would never occur to me to tell him if I'd be early, though, and he doesn't do that either. And if he texted me when I was in the pub telling me that he knew where he was from tracking my phone I'd think he'd gone absolutely mad!

It's not controlling if you are both happy with texting each other that you are coming home.

It is odd and possibly controlling to be furious because 'he has arrived home unannounced'

DP and I text each other to say 'leaving work now, are you home' Or 'what time are you coming home today, do you want food?'

It's nice to know when the other one is about I think.

And I also think the tracking sounds odd. If you both agree and he's happy for him to track you that's fine but it just feels quite invasive to me.

Mine works away from home and doesn't let me know. Sometimes I have waited at the station only to find he isn't on the train or the next one. Then I go home not knowing where he is. Usually he has missed the connection or caught a later train in the beginning. It drives me nuts! I often don't even know if he has caught the flight so don't know if he is in the country. I've given up with the meal. We either get a carry out or go to the pub. In the winter I use the slow cooker...it is my friend!
I agree a simple call or text. I'll be home in half an hour is all you need. I doubt you will change him I haven't although occasionally he will phone the night before so I have a rough idea but as it involves a flight and three trains it isn't accurate. I would like 1 hr - 30 mins notice. Good luck with it.

Why don't you just ask him in the morning?

YABU, it's his home he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

You actually get angry with him if he arrives home before letting you know?! 😮

Sooooo unreasonable!

Yeh if he doesn't want a meal cooked of course he can come and go as he likes.

I'm amazed at all these detached lives that you all live with your partners. So obsessed with not being controlled that you can't even send a quick text as a common courtesy.

fireside a quick test isn't a problem, being furious when you don't always get one is just, frankly, scary. If DP or I behaved like this towards each other, we would be calling it a day! Horribly controlling!

Me and my DH have a similar thing to the 'Find my Friends' thing. On android/Google phones you can share your location.

I also only look at it when I want to time dinner (and when the kids are driving me bonkers and I need a countdown) and it's really useful. It's not 'tracking' him. And equally, I share my location with him.

I could have posted this a few years ago! I found it really annoying, beating home with the baby, trying to plan meals and never knowing when he would be home. Then wondering if I should be worried about him being in an accident. Then having to cook when DC needed seeing to. DH suggested I install the app so I could see when he was on his way home so I'd know if it was ok to start cooking or if I had to hold off and distract the DC. We agreed that if he was going to be home later than 6pm (meal time) he would let me know. Works well for us.

Ahh, lost the post I just wrote.

Anyway the gist is that it's hard to tell if it's a fair request under the circumstances - if it's a one off or the straw that broke the camel's back.

However a text to say when you will be home to eat is not being controlled. I don't understand why this is seen to be so weird.

My dh nearly always lets me know when he's coming home. Rarely he doesn't. I never asked him to, he just does. I never gave this a thought. Often he asks if there's anything I need, ingredients for dinner - something I've forgotten. Often he just calls, as he's leaving work.
Never consider d the controlling aspect!!

It's not unreasonable to want to know when someone you live with will be in, especially if it will affect other behaviour in the home such as meal times or children's bedtime routines.

DH tends to come in with a range of an hour, but could be earlier or later. He gets absorbed into what he's doing and loses track of time so estimates made in advance are often inaccurate. This evening he walked in as I was about to phone up and prompt him. It affected dinner plans and I ended up feeding the DCs separately as they were ravenous and the bedtime routine needed to start soon. Not knowing what he's doing affects my ability to plan the evening, and I'm knackered from a long day at work too.

OP, it will be better knowing what he's doing when baby has arrived, but don't sweat the small stuff over your appearance and the house- baby will have other priorities for you.

I realise that it may "come across a bit strong" as he'd just done it again and it pissed me off. Id politely asked him time and time again just to let me know roughly when hes back as it can vary by 2-3 hrs depending on what else is happening and days kids come to and from ours vary. Similarly, my home time can vary by 3 hrs so I let him know.

Its not a "control thing or a scheduled announcement" ( jeeze some people take such an extreme stance on some things) it s 2 second message- on train see you in 15 or whatever.
Its not that he or kids arnt coming and going as they please, its a simple 1/we are on the way.

Whats controlling to some is just personal preference to others I guess. Its not a trust thing or anything like that, I'm not "up to anything" its more practical than that!! When the 3 of them are due home Ive 4 different meals to make due to dietary issues so its not a matter of bunging it on when they arrive. And as some posters can understand, I just want to finish up what I'm doing ( exercising etc) get tidied up and get on with the next thing- which is usually supper.

I think baseline is that its that I think its a tad disrespectful for dinner to be offered ( not expected as some people have suggested) and for there not be the manner to let me know when they're back ROUGHLY-!! I'm not asking for military precision here!! And as a prev post mentioned, its important to me and its being forgotten. I don't forget to make dinner??!!

I don't think its being ignored, I think he underestimated how much it pisses me off.
I'm not staging the house or myself or anything and I'm well aware that things are different when a baby arrives and all that- but having the baby won't make it any less important to me wanting to get my sh*t together before all land home- I don't think that's so bad!!

I think it's another one of those personality things - like how much you talk during the day. It's second nature to you but not to him and to be honest, it probably never will be.

I think I'd keep the peace and just prepare yourself and your home for wherever the earliest he is home for is, and sort tea for the latest. If he wants it earlier, he'll get in the habit of telling you when he's expecting to be home.

I do think it's a bit unwelcoming, somehow. Like the PP who said they like to be able to come and go from their own home. If me arriving home inconvenienced my partner, I think I'd think that we shouldn't be living together. It's part and parcel of living together that sometimes I'll look like i slept in a cave/be just post run/it'll be a mess.