AIBU to want my partner to tell me when hes coming home?

[F2016]

This could just be (is very likely to be) a "me thing" but AIBU to want my partner to tell me when hes coming home? From work or wherever, if he knows I'm at home, is it too much to expect him to drop me a message and let me know when roughly hes due back home??

I realise that its probably more important to me than to other people who wouldn't care, but on days when I'm at home and not at work or away, I think its manners to let the other person know when your going to be back home again. I do it without thinking.

For lots of reasons, sometimes its so I can time dinner being ready, sometimes its so I can tidy myself up after exercising, sometimes its because there's things I want to get finished before he gets home , sometimes its so I can be back at the house at the same time to decide on dinner or whatever. I just like to know!!!

Is this too much to expect?
I'm currently 35wks pregnant and resting on and off on the days that I'm home and sometimes not exercising or getting dressed until later in the day and doing housework etc in patches through the day instead of all at once, but I want to be presentable again by the time he gets home and I want the house to be reasonably presentable- its not that he insists on that or anything, its me that's wants that!!

All I want is a message with an approximation as hes home different times on different days. And some days its with his 2 kids ( as they are with us 5 days a week) so similarly again, planning meals etc, I want to know when to expect them!!!

I have brought it up time and time again and it makes me furious when he arrives home unannounced. It will continue to cause tension after the baby is born because I will then definitely want to know when to expect him home.
Too much to expect?

[Costacoffeeplease]

Bloody hell, my husband will text if he's going to be more than an hour later than normal but you sound way ott. You know you won't be able to control everything to the nth degree once you have a baby, don't you?

[Queenbean]

Why would you assume it's because of trust issues that you wouldn't want the find the friends app? My DP and I have no trust issues which is exactly why we don't need it!

I think it's really creepy to be able to see someone's exact movements at any given time. He's your partner, not your dog.

Plus, what if he's buying you a fat diamond and you see he's in Tiffany? Surprise = ruined.

[AnyFucker]

How odd. It's like you have something to hide

If I am making dinner I make it to suit my own time (usually around 7:30 so not exactly unexpected or outlandish) and if H is home he eats with me. If he is late, I plate it up for him.

And "tidy yourself up"? You're having a larf, aren't you.

[MagnifiMad]

In defence of find my friends

1. He suggested the app, not me
   
2. It's not a case of me checking multiple times a day - I will check when I am about to put dinner on, to see if I should include some for him and I sometimes take a look if I am waiting for him somewhere and wondering where he is
   
3. If he is on his way home, I prefer not to text as he, of course, should not be texting an driving!
   

It may not suit everyone or every couple but it works for us.

[ChicRock]

Magnifi it's bad advice because when someone is so controlling that they're furious when their partner arrives home unannounced, the last thing they need to be doing is tracking their partner 24/7 via their phone.

[MagnifiMad]

and queenbean, if I saw he was in Tiffany, I'd know someone had obviously stolen his 'phone! ;)

[toastedbeagle]

I have the Find friends App and use it daily. DH has two offices, one 9 miles away and one 200 miles away so usefully to see where he is! If he's in town still 9 miles away I know I've got at least 30 mins so can plan kids bath time / meals etc. Occasionally I find he's in a pub and send him a text saying "enjoying your pint?" Which he finds amusing and his friends find batshit stalkery! So each to their own.

But yes OP I think giving you an eta is courteous and will be even more appreciate when baby here

[MagnifiMad]

Fair enough chic but I think that the OP is more furious that she has asked him to let her know when he'll be home and he has ignored that.

She's not furious he has come home to his own home, she's annoyed that he hasn't let her know even though she asked him to.

I agree that it's unusual to want to have her exercise stuff or whatever tidied up but I take it to mean that she just likes to have things in order and be a bit organised. Like she'd rather be finished her exercise when he and/or the kids come home rather than be right in the middle and get interrupted?

If it's hiding exercise or anything like that, yes, there is weirdness so I suppose taking it all at absolute face value, she is being controlling but I can relate to her and I am very uncontrolling of my OH!

[BarbaraofSeville]

Stop making a rod for your own back. If he thinks that you and the house are always magically presentable he's in for a hell of a shock when the baby arrives and it all goes to hell in a handcart .

If he goes away for days at a time with no definite return time, like my DP sometimes does, it is nice to know 'I'll be back tomorrow in the evening' - this is as specific as he can be but if he is going to the office 5 miles up the road and comes home every day between 6 and 7 it really is unnecessary for him to provide individual return times each day. If you need to be 'prepared' for his arrival, he'll start to wonder what you are hiding from him.

[firesidechat]

Why does she sound controlling and odd? Honestly, this place sometimes.

Op my husband lets me know when he is due home because his hours are erratic and I cook the evening meal. For instance he is back at 9 to night and the meal takes about 1 1/2 hours to cook. If I waited till he waltzed in we would be eating at 10.30.

It takes seconds to send a quick text and that's too much to ask? Like someone has already said, it's common courtesy.

[BarbaraofSeville]

Does he expect his dinner on the table and the house clean, tidy and ready for inspection on his return? Pipe and slippers ready with his favourite chair near the fire?

If he randomly turns up between 6 and 7, why not just plan on dinner being ready just after 7 and if he's in a bit before that, he can just wait?

[TheCrumpettyTree]

Why would you not tell your partner when you're coming home? Isn't that just basic communication? Or do people not talk in a relationship? Dh and I always ring each other when we've finished work (we don't always leave on time) just to say I'm on my way and to ask after the DC. I thought that was normal behaviour, but apparently it's controlling.

[absolutelynotfabulous]

I think yanbu. For me, it's down to respect. He knows it's important to you, he's ignoring it and for me that's a warning bell. I get the bit about "being prepared" too; maybe it's controlling but I like to have a meal at the ready and the place/child presentable.

It takes seconds to send a quick text.

[228agreenend]

My dh usually let's me know when he'll be home (approx. Time). i don't see it as controlling.

[nicenewdusters]

My main thought is that your home seems to be a stage set in your mind for when he returns. I'm not criticising you for this. It's a dangerous habit to get into though. It'll make you unnecessarily anxious about your appearance, how tidy the house is, whether dinner's ready or not.

When you have your baby all bets will be off as regards routine etc. It takes a while to establish, and putting this kind of pressure on yourself will detract from the joy of the early days.

If he's going to be particularly early or late, or bring his children home when he hasn't told you he'll be doing so, I think a quick text or call is ok. Even if he's not bothered, you've told him you are. If he ignores this, then count him out of meals you start before he returns, or just plate it up.

Don't turn yourself inside out to make his homecoming into a thing. It's your home too. So if you want to wear no make up and pyjamas at 6pm, and the kitchen's a bit messy, who really cares ?

[DavidPuddy]

I don't think it's weird or controlling to want to know what time to expect your partner home. My husband and I both let each other know when we are on our way and ehat our rough plans are. Our lives are interlinked and it makes everything easier.

[firesidechat]

I will say though that all I care about is the food.

I make zero effort to make either myself or the house presentable. He takes it as he finds it.

[ImperialBlether]

Yes but if your partner insists on knowing when you'll be home you'd feel as though it was her home, not your own. I want to come home whenever I feel like it!

[firesidechat]

I want to come home whenever I feel like it!

Even if that inconveniences your partner?

[firesidechat]

And actually it's not about coming home when you feel like it, it's letting the other person who has to cook a meal when you will be home to eat that meal. Even husbands and wives deserve good manners.

[1frenchfoodie]

My DH lets me know when he is going to be home as he is currently working variable shifts that are often cut short and if I think he is coming home at 11pm I'll go to bed after feeding our 3mo. If that has changed to10pm he knows I will stay up so we get some time together. When his hours were more predictable I only expected a text if he was going to be later than usual. Just as a courtesy and un case useful for dinner timings. No making house presentable for DH's return here..

If he comes back with the kids 5 days does he not have to meet them/pick them up at predictable times?

'Furious' seems a bit strong though,

[GrouchyKiwi]

DH cycles home and always texts as he's leaving so I know he's on his way. It stops me from worrying if he's later than normal, especially as he has had a few bike accidents over the years. It's also useful to know if I'm going to be stuck with bathing the children.

So IMO YANBU.

[RortyCrankle]

YABU and weird, your poor DH. How would you have coped pre mobile phone days?