hysterical parenting - AIBU?

[cathf]

I might be a voice in the wilderness here but is anyone else amazed at the level of overreaction and drama involved in parenting in 2016?
I only joined Mumsnet a few weeks ago and I have been astonished by some of the posts on here. I sincerely hope that this is not a snapshot of real life or we are all doomed.
It looks to me as if mothers - and I am sorry, it is almost exclusively mothers - seem to need to constantly define themselves by 'protecting' their children against perceived dangers as if it somehow proves they are good mothers. What did these women do before they had children?
In no particular order in the last few days, we have had a mum who was blocking all contact with her PIL because they did not show as much interest in their grandchild as SHE thought they should, someone suggesting the police should be called because an elderly woman helped a mum diffuse a stand-off with a toddler and yet another thread about locking the family away from the world until the baby is x weeks old.
What happened to living peacefully as best we can? Instead a routine trip to the shops, toddler's birthday or birth of a new baby is turned into a dramatic stand-off when there's really no need.
I am quite prepared to accept I am a minority of one on this - my children are aged 23, 12 and 9 so I guess I just parented in different times!

Gotcha, Major

I'm very sorry if I caused accidental offence.

Newbie starts thread.
Thread is goady.
Casual (and not so casual) disabling starts being tossed around.

Happy Newbie?

I agree with you. Half the time I think things will get taken down for being 'trolls' but they are apparently real situations.

I still get sucked in though ;)

No one is being disablist, they're just pointing out the various uses of a very old word that people have modernised and given another meaning and then become upset about when it continues to be used in one of its many other forms.

major It's been used for years to describe a tantrum and I really don't see that changing. I'm pretty sure a large majority of people wouldn't even relate it with any other context and certainly
Wouldn't be using it to be disablist or offensive. Im obviously aware of its other meanings now but I still
Don't agree that it can only be used in the context you're defining. I'm curious about why you've said "people like me" I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that.

I've always been a big believer in the notion that words or phrases aren't inherently good or bad, but it's the intent in it that is, any word can be used as derogatory, it doesn't make the word bad, just the person saying it

it's so difficult nowadays for people to know what words at OK and what aren't I think if they're just using it to describe something and there's no malice behind it just cut people some slack!

'Sometimes think it is the 'living life vicariously' kind of behaviour; your life is more important because you are making a big fuss through your child. I work in a school and you would not believe the attitude of some mothers who make the biggest drama you could imagine about nothing; example; a child fell over in the playground and had her knee wiped and a small plaster put on. Child forgot all about it by home time . Mother went mad and was demanding reassurance that her child would 'be properly protected' and 'NEVER fall over again'. She was then entertaining a group in the playground with how shocked she was to see her child 'injured. ' 99% of parents are reasonable, and know the school is on the same side as them and we all work well together, but you do get the drama queens who really need to get a grip on reality. I expect mumsnet makes a handy platform for the hysterical among us, although in fairness reading through some of the forums most mums are not and the companionable advice and often hilarious posts are well worth skimming through the amazing whingers!

YANBU you're not a voice in the wilderness- I'm stunned by some of the stuff I read on here and often question my own perspective, then get back into the real world and realise that mumsnet is skewed by a small number of thought police who will readily report threads or be breath-takingly rude to you. I suspect a lot of the so-called trolls are actually genuine people. And often those levelling the accusation "goady fucker" are pretty unpleasant themselves!
Then, yes, you have those who feel incredibly sorry for your poor children because you're such a dreadful parent for practising controlled crying etc etc in fact, you should be reported to the authorities/ can't believe parents like you exist.
All very sanctimonious and thoroughly unpleasant! And sorry, I haven't read the effing thread because I know I'll see the usual suspects with their faux piety and passive aggression and I will want to poke my own eyes out! I did read this page though and some of it was enough to get me going!! You're not mad, trust your gut instinct- we don't all think in that way! phew that was a tirade- sorry!

As a parent of both autistic and NT children and a child psychologist, I think making a clear distinction between a tantrum and a meltdown is useful, but its not as straightforward as NT kids have tantrums, autistic kids have meltdowns.

A meltdown is basically a sensory-based failure to cope, often triggered by a 'final straw' apparently minor additional stressor, or sometimes by a processing issue. A neurotypical child can indeed have a meltdown when they fail to cope with an additional stressor when they are already lacking in resiliance, for example because they are overtired or overstimulated or feeling ill. Meltdowns are not exclusively experienced by autistic children. All toddlers and small children meltdown. As NT children develop, their flexible thinking skills and resiliance improve so you wouldn't expect even an overtired 10 year old to have a meltdown if the ice cream van drives off as they are walking towards it. An autistic child will have additional difficulties with flexible thinking and will therefore continue to have meltdowns for much longer. My son is 14 and he still has them occasionally - but when he was 1.5, it was about 15 times a day.

A tantrum is, if you like, a 'show of strength of feeling' in order to try to bring about a change. For example, if you say your child can't have an ice cream and they start screaming and shouting, that could be a meltdown because they can't cope with the feelings, or it could be a tantrum if you have form for saying 'Oh all right then, here's £2' when they scream enough.

So I disagree that it is disablist to use the term 'meltdown' about a loss of control in any child that is due to overwhelm. However that does not mean that autistic children generally have meltdowns more frequently and for longer duration and sometimes of higher volatility (depending on the child) than a NT child.

I agree with the lady we just patented in a different. Generation but I work with mums and it seems to me they are anxious about food ,playing outside in all weathers etc .Are we bringing up a generation of children that are isolated ,poor communication skill and catch colds and sore throats because our houses are ooclean?

Sorry, last sentence should say :
However it is the case that autistic children generally have meltdowns more frequently and for longer duration and sometimes of higher volatility (depending on the child) than a NT child.

I think it is important to remember that people generally only post of something is wrong so it looks as if the site is full of overly worried parents but we are getting a skewed picture.

Having said that I do think the Internet has enabled parents to become overly competitive and overly invested in the opinions of others rather than their own instincts. There have definitely been threads to me encourage parents to be overly risk averse - baby sleeping in the garden comes to mind.

I don't think that having a few weeks on lockdown is about being over protective it is just about getting the family used to their new setup, allowing the mother to rest, forgetting housework and establishing brreastfeeding. After most of my children I retire to my bedroom for 2 weeks and we don't have guests .

It's the age of the Internet... Using a forum means you are more likely to come into contact with people who have different opinions than your own. I'd imagine this was less frequent when people were mixing in more limited circles. And has been said above, from Facebook to Trip Advisor, people generally post if they feel strongly about something.

I do sometimes feel like on the AIBU posts it's a race to see who can be first to tell the OP that they are, in fact, being unreasonable!

when do a child's tantrums become meltdowns? Is the day of diagnosis or that scary process beforehand where you start to acknowledge that your child seems to be developing differently (whether it be from peers or siblings) As a parent of a child with an asd diagnosis I don't think anyone owns the word meltdown.From my memory of the early years I would consider myself lucky if I had time to notice most of the perceived slights on here as it just felt like an unending slog.

I thoroughly agree about the level of overreaction and drama. A new family moved in next door to us. After enduring three years of screaming and crying from the three young girls, and listening to very ineffective reprimand of 'Oh, darling, don't do that', I plucked up courage to ask the mother (extremely politely) to stop her children from making such a noise and told her that not only was it very distressing to hear, but my husband (who works from home) could not concentrate or hear his 'phone calls.

I hoped that the mum would explain to her children how upsetting it was for us and perhaps encourage them to write little notes or bake us a cake to say 'sorry' and that would be that. I was wrong. Her husband came round the next night asking to speak with us. He told us that his wife had cried all evening and that we must not speak to her about this again and went on to tell us how difficult it was to bring up three children. Since then, over the last two years, instead of accepting that they needed to get a grip on their kids, both husband and wife have tried to avoid talking to us at all and never tell their children to return our greetings when we pass in the street.

We have always got on very well with all our neighbours and did not overreact; several other people in the street and the road behind have also commented on the screaming and shouting. Although the children are now quieter in the garden (they now only scream inside the house), the mother continues to treat her children like princesses and does not seem capable of admonishing them when required. She doesn’t seem to realise that children need boundaries or that they need to learn good manners and should be encouraged to communicate with their neighbours. It’s very sad - and it's not the kid's fault!

I had never heard, before this thread, of the use of the word 'meltdown' as a specific term in relation to autistic children. So it's not ok to use this in any context now (so dh might come home after a bad day and say something like 'there was a complete meltdown over x order today')? Or it's just not ok to use it in terms of a non-autistic child having a tantrum?

See it's probably because of MN I deliberately park on P&C spaces when I don't have my kids.

My friend who did the same she was on her way to collect her child got shouted at and I was so jealous. I must be warped.

Muddledupme for me at least... Tantrum. Generally bratty/stroppy behaviour.

Meltdown usually involves screaming, tears, aggression, running away, more tears, or shutting down, anxiety and refusal to move.

Mine has sensory issues and our meltdowns are due to being overwhelmed. Often happen after a busy day with lots of unexpected transitions, when travelling or in very noisy places and shops etc.

I think it's important to distinguish the two from a parenting aspect. So you don't feel like a crap mum/failure or whatever society likes to throw at you :( because you know your own child.

for me a Tantrum = controllable behaviour. A Meltdown isn't.

However our meltdowns and tantrums will present so differently from yours so people trying to monopolise the word just for autistic children isn't reasonable because all children can have them.

I was hoping to read a variety of OMG hysterical, entitled parenting tales and you have completely disappointed me, MN.

My own personal fave of recent months is the mum who did a teaching assistant course to enable her to be a TA and was mortified to find out she couldn't actually be a TA in her daughter's class - "But that's the sole reason I did the course" - so she could be in her daughter's class - strangely enough she left after that.

Entertaining though? Also, on the rare occasion, a learning experience for some.

I've have used the term meltdown to describe my mood at times for many years.I have severe anxiety and depression.The word does not belong to one section of society.Be offended if you like, I give no fucks.

Hopskipjump - me too, I'm only here for the drama.
Cannot believe the stupidness people put on here - it really makes me feel like a reasonable person who can parent without asking every 5 seconds 'AIBU to let 18 YO DD go to the bathroom alone in a restaurant, because there are so many wierdos around', or 'cant control my child, but they sit on the computer for 15 hours a day and dont talk to me, ooh, i dont want to upset them so what should I do?? help!' - I'll tell you what to do lock the computer away, tell your child to do something productive and stop moaning, followed by a trip to help at the local foodbank, or better still a trip to a developing country to show them how lucky they are and dont have to work and study all day, as well as cooking and help run a home!
Kids these days have too much and always want more, the word 'NO' does exist!

MAN UP, get tougher with your kids and stop pussy-footing around. you are the parent, not your child!! Rant over!

Agree OP, YANBU.

Whenever I fear I might be getting a bit helicopter I simply recall my own 70s childhood - out all hours playing unsupervised in the street, unaccompanied trips to town centre and ice-skating, little or no supervision of schoolwork, sweets and ice-pops on tap, crazy caving and hiking trips with primary school, no helmets or knee and elbow pads, no parental surveillance by smartphone - and how well most of my peer group turned out in the end, all things considered. A bit of benevolent neglect, within reason, is no bad thing. Not being gung-ho, but I do feel that development of children's resourcefulness and resilience is undervalued in modern parenting.