hysterical parenting - AIBU?

[cathf]

I might be a voice in the wilderness here but is anyone else amazed at the level of overreaction and drama involved in parenting in 2016?
I only joined Mumsnet a few weeks ago and I have been astonished by some of the posts on here. I sincerely hope that this is not a snapshot of real life or we are all doomed.
It looks to me as if mothers - and I am sorry, it is almost exclusively mothers - seem to need to constantly define themselves by 'protecting' their children against perceived dangers as if it somehow proves they are good mothers. What did these women do before they had children?
In no particular order in the last few days, we have had a mum who was blocking all contact with her PIL because they did not show as much interest in their grandchild as SHE thought they should, someone suggesting the police should be called because an elderly woman helped a mum diffuse a stand-off with a toddler and yet another thread about locking the family away from the world until the baby is x weeks old.
What happened to living peacefully as best we can? Instead a routine trip to the shops, toddler's birthday or birth of a new baby is turned into a dramatic stand-off when there's really no need.
I am quite prepared to accept I am a minority of one on this - my children are aged 23, 12 and 9 so I guess I just parented in different times!

PO is sometimes used as shorthand for people who object to disablism, racism, ageism. Mighty relieved you're not.

I'd like to think not. My comments were aimed at the examples from the OP which I don't think were any of those "isms"? I'll add taking offense at the sheer use of the word hysterical as being misogynistic .........

I'll happily call my husband hysterical when he has a conniption fit if the kids get a packet of haribo at a party

The word hysterical wasnt 'just used', it was used in relation to mners who are in a very large percentage female.

But again, i didnt tell the op not to use it, just pointed out how it may be interpreted.

YANBU.
The worst for me is the fear of a child starving because they are a fussy eater.

On AIBU debates MN I am always, but always, on the side of child protection. This doesn't mean I run hysterically around in real life trying to protect my child from perceived dangers

I didn't 'child proof' my house nor did I expect everyone I know to childproof their house when my dd was born so I think I'm pretty relaxed. But on AIBU MN if a mum comes on here wondering if her child is in danger because something has made her concerned then yes, I will take her side.

People tend to post on here when they're not sure whether to trust their instincts, and to me 'yes, trust your instincts' is a good thing to say repeatedly to mums.

cathf

I think its the same shit in a new package.

I don't believe any of it is really new.

Before social media maybe more of today's hysterical mother equivalents turned to the gin (18th century slang for gin isn't Mother's Ruin for nothing), and the gossiping and catastrophising was done over social media.

My own mother, who did her parenting of under 5s in the 70s, is absolute master of the "I'm a terrible mother" wail but I remember her doing the reassurance seeking "I'm a terrible failure of a mother" "no you're not dear you're doing your best" down the phone to her mother, and later expecting that from her children themselves. Perhaps social media is a better outlet than seeing affirmation from your own offspring!

Almost every non traffic non technology child related problem that I have seen MNers claim "wasn't invented" 20/ 30 / 40 years ago bloody well was! I have even seen somebody claim that childhood sleep problems "weren't invented" when she parented, but I know full well that my own sister was still waking in the night to creep into our parent's bed til she was 9, because as I was older I remember it very well!

I am not saying that living your life on social media is good by any stretch, and I think paranoia about paedophiles and genuine worries about traffic have made children's lives worse than they used to be because they get to play out less even when it would actually be safe and are given less freedom generally - but non parents and parents whose children have grown up fuel that as much as the parents of young children by constantly going on about "reporting" anyone who allows their 10 year old out of their line of sight...

As for the general scolding of mothers who fail to hand their babies or small children over to expended family every time they are told to and to claim to be delighted to be rid of them - families did not used to be uniformly lovely and supportive in the past and they are not now. Almost all of us are guilty of assuming that our own family experience is pretty much normal, unless it has been properly horrific, and so people with lovely supportive extended families tear strips off other people they have never met for not welcoming their extended family to stay immediately after giving birth or not wanting endless house guests. In reality some grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. are lovely and some are absolute selfish, inconsiderate, demanding arses and most are somewhere in between - there isn't a one size fits all rule to anything about family relationships and how to juggle them around the time of life changing events.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig yes :o

• and the gossiping and catastrophising was done over the garden fence instead of on social media.

(should not type whilst talking to offspring about another subject at the same time).

I'm autistic, don't give a shit if you use meltdown. It's just a word?!?

For example, when I go out with my two children I load them into the car and then go back to the house to collect the baby bag, buggy and endless paraphernalia. I physically can't do it in one trip. But if I started a thread about it I'd be ripped to shreds.

Oh, please. People don't start threads about nothing, there must be some reason that they think there might be a danger. I remember the one from a poster who lived in a high-rise council block with hundreds (maybe not hundreds, but many) floors up to her flat and no working lift. She would never hear the dc cry or get up/down in time anyway. That's why she posted about whether to leave them in the car while she loads/offloads.

If you remove the context, yes, most questions sound hysterical. The context is what makes people post their questions.

Remember the one from the poster who wonder if she wbu to ask her parents to put a banister on their stairs. The context: child had fallen there before and fractured her skull.

It's easy to call everyone hysterical if you ignore the details that made them ask.

My DC are 19 and 17 and never once had my home-baked muffins or flapjacks. Luckily, they have survived.

"If you remove the context, yes, most questions sound hysterical. The context is what makes people post their questions.

Remember the one from the poster who wonder if she wbu to ask her parents to put a banister on their stairs. The context: child had fallen there before and fractured her skull.

It's easy to call everyone hysterical if you ignore the details that made them ask"

Exactly Kawliga

Thought there are plenty of ridiculous posts (somebody wanting to call SS about a baby sleeping in its pram in the garden of its own house dressed appropriately etc). But there have always been anxious people over invested in finding fault with their neighbours like that too, or the word gossip would not have come into existence.

OP, I get as hacked-off with OTT parenting as anyone, but it is rather noticeable that you have been selective in your presentation of the facts. for instance:

"someone suggesting the police should be called because an elderly woman helped a mum diffuse a stand-off with a toddler"

The suggestion of calling the police was silly, but I think this was the thread where the child was perfectly safe but refusing to give her mother her hand to be held, and a passer-by took her by the hand and led the child away. The omission of the final element of the story does rather throw a different light on the point you are making, doesn't it?

"and yet another thread about locking the family away from the world until the baby is x weeks old."

No idea which one this one was, but generally when people post this sort of thing it has nothing to do with being protective of the child. It's generally to do with allowing themselves a bit of peace and quiet whilst the mother recovers from the birth, the parents and baby get used to each other and they establish a routine. It's also quite often to do with fending off relatives who think it's fine to come to stay with the new parents but don't do anything realistic to help with housework and catering.

Totally agree. Seems like there are a lot of drama queens on MN. I've never come across anyone in RL who behaves anything like some of the issues on this site.

What Judy said. Many threads go this way:

OP: AIBU to not let a stranger kiss my newborn on the lips/ stick their finger in my baby's mouth/ random other thing that grosses some parents out?
MN 1: ew, gross! germs! infections!
MN 2: here come the hysterical parents, now it's not acceptable to say hello and wave to babies. Only on MN, in real life everyone I know likes it when people are friendly to their babies.

There are of course plenty of lunatic threads on MN, but tbh the first post on this thread is loony too - the level of hyperbole in the first sentence alone rivals the overreaction and drama on any but the most ott MN threads.

The very OTT with no grounds people always get shot down - in fact there is usually a pile in of posters wanting to be among the first to tell the OP they are ridiculous.

Thinking that declairing yourself "amazed at the level of overreaction and drama involved in parenting in 2016" makes you a voice in the wilderness is a bit like thinking you are sharing a cutting edge idea when you share an AA Milne derived fb meme about all getting along....

If you are going to create a thread about a thread at least give the correct details.

And for the record I thought this was against the rules?

We live in anxious times.

We, as a society, are afraid of many many things.

It is ironic as looking at the bigger picture we have never lived in healthier, wealthier (in the West), more safe and secure times.

IMO there is just too much information about about all sorts of dangers without the corresponding ability to sift through actual risk assessment, so everything becomes really scary. Common sense is not allowed. Trusting ones instincts is not allowed. Every 'recommendation' turns in to Tablets Of Stone. Everything can either be done Right or Wrong, and we all want to do it Right, so we fret and worry and over think things to the nth degree.
Exhausting.

I am truly grateful that I am an optimist at heart with a dose of laziness thrown in - it'll be fine, it'll be fine, it'll be fine
I just cannot find it in myself to worry about the 'what ifs' and I am glad that my powers of denial are strong

OP, I am with you on the sentiment, but otoh I think the beauty of MN is that you can ask anything about anything and will certainly get opinions. What you then do with these opinions is another question….
I have certainly learnt a lot about other people's lives and difficulties I had never considered.

But yes, we live in angst-ridden times.

bishopbrennansarse do you think you could stop commandeering words that have been in existence for a very long time and stop being so pearl clutchy when someone uses in a context that you've now deemed to be inappropriate. It's tiresome.

I've heard numerous People
Refer to their child having a melt down and no one has ever stopped them to start having a go about it Only being used in a certain context.
i genuinely think folk would look at you like you're crazy if you started having a go about that.

Hello TimeandTide. Do stop and think why some words and/or phrases can be upsetting or dismissive. It's not unreasonable to ask folk to be mindful.

I agree! I don't go about using offensive names (see yesterday's thread on drawing up a list of offensive words) for people but my god, meltdown? Really? It's been used for years and years as an alternative to tantrum. It's unreasonable to hijack a word and then become indignant and offended when people don't fall into
Line with you. It starts to become
Ridiculous

That's exactly the words I take from Time and Tides post about how they feel about children with Sen who take exception to the word meltdown being used. It's insidious the way these 'harmless' descriptions are worked into posts to chip away at people like me: