Grandmother insisting on calling DC by nickname she has chosen...

[barabasiAlbert]

Is it a bit batshit of my mother to periodically decide on nicknames for family members and insist on calling the person by that name? Usually the nicknames have nothing to do with the person's real name or interests or anything - they're either things designed to highlight some aspect of my mother (her favourite apparent family connection this week, or her favourite historical figure this week), or they're slightly belittling, faintly nasty, faintly judgemental - but never so overt that anyone casually overhearing would be able to say "no that's not right". The only time my mother ever uses someone's real name is when she's furious with them.

Why i'm wondering is I will be telling my dear mother about my pregnancy in a few days' time. Based on past experience I know that one of the first things she'll do is come up with one or more nicknames for my DC. Inevitably these will be nicknames that are all about her - family cultural connections that she likes telling people about because it makes her feel special despite the cultural connections being so distant and tenuous that this makes her look like a total loon.

Having sighed, rolled my eyes, and put up with it as you'd put up with an irritating 8 year old doing the same thing, all my life (though i do have the long-term effect that I hate my given name because I only ever heard it when I was in trouble), i'm aware that turning round and saying "actually it's a really annoying habit, would you stop it" is going to look like an overreaction. Any reaction from me is likely to be met with being told i'm oversensitive and humourless and that it's only words and why am I being so nasty to my poor mother.

However, my instinct re my DC is that I will be putting my foot down and telling her that this child will have a name and no, it won't be a nickname chosen by her, and that it is disrespectful and rude of her to do this.

My sister didn't stand up to her over this, and I remember my niece getting confused and upset repeatedly when our mother kept changing her name and refusing to call her by her real name, once niece was old enough to know what was going on. Our mother kept saying that it was because she was proud of her grandchild that she wanted to call DN by something that demonstrated her "real" heritage (see point above about said heritage being so distant that it's ridiculous - as well as it really being only to do with our mother). Niece now has learnt to roll her eyes and just ignore it.

Do I put my foot down for my DC? Or am I in fact being PFB, humourless and oversensitive?

I wonder if it might work to dissect or laugh about these names publicly every time she comes up with them. "Pastry chef, Mum? What's that about? Tart? You're calling a child a prostitute? Really? Can we call you Prostitute then, if it's only a bit of fun?" Or "Name from ancient culture? Pretentious, toi?"

She sounds like a bully and a narcissist. This is just her chosen method of expressing it. Each time she says it ask if she means to be so rude. If everyone did this every single time she would stop find another way to express her narcissism

The problem here is not that she gives family members nicknames they haven't chosen: the problem is that they are thoroughly offensive nicknames and she sounds a deeply unpleasant person. Not sure what to do about this except to keep an eye out when your dc get old enough to understand: even if you can put your foot down about the nickname thing, it sounds like she bears watching. Or alternatively, not seeing very often.

Even if her nicknames were cute (they're not), if it upsets you, it is not on. It doesn't matter if you are being over sensitive (you're not), to continue to do something upsetting is bullying behaviour. I called my daughter by an affectionate nickname (more a merging of her 2 names) and one day she told me she hated it so I try very hard not to use it although occasionally I forget...I always apologise because it is important to show I respect her wishes.

I'd probably go minimum contact if your family can't respect your wishes, just because they are family, it doesn't give them the right to walk all over your feelings.

Sounds like the OP wouldn't be able to carry out Judy's otherwise good suggestion, because the OP has said that her father shuts down any form of criticism of her mother - so no doubt she'd get jumped on by him from a great height if she tried it. :(

IT does seem a bit attention seeking.id tell her no quirky nicknames as you want your son to actually know his name.

One friendly nickname throughout childhood I.e CharChar for Charlie, JayLex for James Alexander etc but a different one each month? Way to confuse a small child.

Can you call her Cissy?

When she ask tell her it's for her greatest personality trait - narcissism.

Not sure 'batshit' is the right term for your mother, she actually comes across as devious and smart, she knows what she is doing and obviously gets some kick from it. I suspect if you pull her up on it then she will twist it around, play victim and you will be the nasty one. I would normally advise no contact with someone like that but is that her only downfall? is there anything else she does? I'd be tempted to play her at her own game and see how she reacts.

YANBU. She sounds manipulative

She sounds a bitch, I'm sorry. And it's weird that your father enables it, does she do it to him too?

I'd start by not mentioning your pregnancy until it unavoidable.

Then just repeatedly "His/Her name is X". If you can't manage to remember that I'll teach the kids to call you Granny Dem [for dementia]

Honestly, just mirror her behaviour. Start calling her Ivy and when anyone asks say it's because she's strong and never gives up.

If you're alone with her tell her that really you mean the poisonous variety. Two can play this game.

God, she sounds absolutely dreadful (but you're going to get people who've only read your first post telling you to lighten up).

Other than playing her at her own game (some good suggestions made!) I really don't know what to do. I would however, as soon as your child is old enough to understand, explain what is really going on to them. You don't owe this woman any favours, she sounds hateful.

From the earliest time I can remember, my (now late) Gran called me 'Elephant' and would sing 'Nelly the Elephant' to me. In hindsight, I know she meant it affectionately - 'Nelly' is a shortening of one of my names, and was my great-great-grandmother's name (my parents decided to name me with a non-family name and inadvertantly gave me the name of my Gran's grandmother-in-law... ). But at the time, as a child and then a teenager all it did was make me think I was massively overweight. It probably contributed to the eating disorder I developed as a toddler. Even now, as a 40 year old, I have considerable food issues.

All because my Gran affectionately called me 'Elephant'.

OP, if I were you I would be limiting contact between your DC and your mother. As others have said, she is toxic. As you, yourself, have said - her nicknames are meant maliciously. I cannot wrap my brain around a mother calling her own child a tart or even a greedy pig.

Actually, I call my DD 'Bartholomew' whenever she says "Nah..." (because it was something in her favourite book when she was very little, and it's a joke between her and myself...) and my DS 'Poppy', because its short for 'Poppet' - but they both know those are monikers laden with affection. The thought of calling my own DC something to hurt them? Nope... that's just plain ol' nasty!!!

Your sister should be protecting her DD, and you have to protect your DC.

And if your mother asks (although I suspect it would be more of a demand, from what you've written) why?! Then you tell her. In words of one syllable, if necessary, so that she can understand. Same with your father. Who, as others have said, has failed you appallingly by not protecting you and your sister, and his grandchildren, from his wife's malicious bullying.

Sounds difficult. I wouldn't want my child to be spending much time with them Tbh.

So sorry you have had to put up with it. But you can now help your child by keeping away.

YANBU - low contact or no contact would probably be best.

Other wise - constantly correct your and child name and refused to respond to anything other than your name - even if it's obvious it's you she is talking too.

If your told your humourless - say humour is supposed to be funny - it's not.

You could try doing it back to make a point - whether it sinks in or get turned around on you is impossible to predict.

You could be PA - Oh you mean me Mum - my name is X you gave it to me - or DC name is y we've told you several times are you feeling all right - do you think you might have some mental decline?

Or you could ask outright for it to stop - saying how it made you fell and that you want it to stop. Tried that with my own parents on a matter - they denied it was happening, it was me being oversensitive ( and DH and other GP and the DC ) I was being nasty to other people involved. Made no difference. I was left in the same place fuming and quietly trying to mitigate the effects on my children.

Simple,every time she uses a nickname with you or your dc call her "twat", she'll get the message.
If she says she finds it offensive and rude,say "Exactly,I do too".

She's fucking awful! MIL affectionately calls DD "plum" which I love. If she told me behind closed doors that she uses plum as in, say, a bollock, I would not like the nn plum. I would fucking despise her if she then continued to use it in public.

Its clever and devious because you will look like a weirdo for objecting to, for example, "plum."

I'm usually saying people should just ignore stuff or not care but your dm is dangerous. She obviously has a sharp brain but she has a sharp tongue to go with it so a deadly combination. That Napoleon story is downright nasty. Call her on meanness and nastiness everytime. Don't get into a big discussion or try to justify yourself. Just say l don't like what you are doing there. If she huffy and puffs say l don't like it its mean. I feel sorry for you and you are right to protect your dc.

OP my DM (only once) did exactly this to my DD's face when she was a toddler - rhyming very nasty words with her name to make a song. It really freaked me out and I realised my DM was showing me and her DGC her true colours. I am very low contact now.

I think it's lovely when family members have their own NN's for children.
My DD is Molly and my mum always called her Dolly. It was her special name for her.

She's a cowardly two-faced bully. "Janus" would suit her, the god with two faces.

Thats a good one but I think a direct 'cuntface' would suffice,

I think that is unreasonable as to your siblings you are the name you were given by your parents so that's how they think of you

unreasonable to expect to be called by my name?!

So it's ok to call people by their new names when they marry/convert even if you've known them your whole life but not otherwise?

They can change their thinking - in this context it isn't difficult.

Does she like to be called something in particular? My MIl liked to be called grandma, when she kept called DD by her choice of name we asked her not to and she claimed she couldn't remember. We started calling her nanny or granny which she hated. We could see the anger rising and then she said, "I don't like being called granny, call me grandma." We smiled sweetly and said, "We can't remember" and the penny dropped. She always used DDs real name after that.

I know alot of people will think its petty but it is so annoying.

I think she sounds really horrible. My Dad has always belittled me and one of my sisters just thinks I enjoy being a victim if I ever raise it. It's mean of me to upset him, etc. He uses nicknames amongst other things. I've never thought them funny. I didn't even realise it was a thing but we are LC, helped by distance.

I think the only thing you can do is to play it back to her, as other have said. I've had some success with my Dad on this front. I no longer care if it upsets him or not. I'm not having him damage my kids.

My new user name is because this thread has made me so sad I am eating GoldBears.

I think it's lovely when family members have their own NN's for children

Yes, but not when the NN is 'piggy' or 'slut'. Then it's not lovely, it's abusive.