Grandmother insisting on calling DC by nickname she has chosen...

[barabasiAlbert]

Is it a bit batshit of my mother to periodically decide on nicknames for family members and insist on calling the person by that name? Usually the nicknames have nothing to do with the person's real name or interests or anything - they're either things designed to highlight some aspect of my mother (her favourite apparent family connection this week, or her favourite historical figure this week), or they're slightly belittling, faintly nasty, faintly judgemental - but never so overt that anyone casually overhearing would be able to say "no that's not right". The only time my mother ever uses someone's real name is when she's furious with them.

Why i'm wondering is I will be telling my dear mother about my pregnancy in a few days' time. Based on past experience I know that one of the first things she'll do is come up with one or more nicknames for my DC. Inevitably these will be nicknames that are all about her - family cultural connections that she likes telling people about because it makes her feel special despite the cultural connections being so distant and tenuous that this makes her look like a total loon.

Having sighed, rolled my eyes, and put up with it as you'd put up with an irritating 8 year old doing the same thing, all my life (though i do have the long-term effect that I hate my given name because I only ever heard it when I was in trouble), i'm aware that turning round and saying "actually it's a really annoying habit, would you stop it" is going to look like an overreaction. Any reaction from me is likely to be met with being told i'm oversensitive and humourless and that it's only words and why am I being so nasty to my poor mother.

However, my instinct re my DC is that I will be putting my foot down and telling her that this child will have a name and no, it won't be a nickname chosen by her, and that it is disrespectful and rude of her to do this.

My sister didn't stand up to her over this, and I remember my niece getting confused and upset repeatedly when our mother kept changing her name and refusing to call her by her real name, once niece was old enough to know what was going on. Our mother kept saying that it was because she was proud of her grandchild that she wanted to call DN by something that demonstrated her "real" heritage (see point above about said heritage being so distant that it's ridiculous - as well as it really being only to do with our mother). Niece now has learnt to roll her eyes and just ignore it.

Do I put my foot down for my DC? Or am I in fact being PFB, humourless and oversensitive?

It sounds toxic to me. Nicknames re fine if the person on the receiving end know it's a term of love and affection, and the person dishing it out does so with good intent.

Neither is the case for you, OP, it grates on your nerves every time your 'D'M thinks up another tedious word to belittle you and you know the intention is to harm.

You're caught between a rock and a hard place. If you object and tell her to stop it will 'feed the troll' in her, if you ignore it will make her come up with more and more outrageous names to goad a response. I had one of those in the form of a SM. Thank goodness she is long gone from my life. Gave me insecurity for years, but I'm fine now.

I wish I could give some advice. Maybe the broken record approach "no mother that is NOT DCs name, it's xxxx, thanks" (repeat until blue in the face)

Your mother's a toxic bitch.

I am so so sorry OP.

You could start calling her troll. When people get upset at her bloody downright nastiness you could call out; 'Don't feed the troll!' [indulgent tinkly laugh]

You don't sounds bitter or unreasonable to me , you sounds upset and worried about how your mother will abuse and manipulate your child .

And you are also concerned about finding ways to control your mother and her behaviour . Which of course is impossible , all you can do is control your behaviour and choices .

So it's up to you and your partner to decide how much you are going to let your mother hurt your child the way your mother hurts you and all the rest of your family . Are you going to protect her/ him or not ?

Niece now has learnt to roll her eyes and just ignore it.

I do not think a child who is insulted by her own grandmother should be put in a situation where all they can do is 'roll her eyes and just ignore it'. I know family is massively important so we feel the best we can do is roll eyes when they kick off, but the damage they do to the self-esteem is also real. I would never let anyone, family or not, do this to my dd. The world is full of kind people. Surround yourself and your baby with them.

And yes- your first and only responsibility is to your DC and to protect them.I am saying this as someone who had a DM who would do anything to keep the peace with her abusive family and would throw me under the bus for them because she did not want to rock the boat. I'd seriously consider going nc to be honest. Your dad enables her and props her up.... it sounds extremely unhealthy.

Ignore her. My (lovely) MIL and FIL came up with nicknames for my DS1 because they didn't like what we were using (he was a baby.. it was his name modified to be a bit poo related.. not all the time, just when we felt like using an amusing name for him, and well.. babies poo a lot)

We just ignored. Always used his real name, eventually it tailed off

Oh, damn - I didn't read to the end. My MIL was harmless, my advice is totally inappropriate in your situation.

Once your dd is old enough to understand her grandmother is calling her a different name I'd say with a pa laugh oh funny granny and her nicknames what nickname shall we call granny today.

Actually no I wouldn't I would have stopped going to see her a long time ago. I have no time for people that are dickheads towards me.

BrandNew your last sentence........ I think I am going to pin that above my desk. It's an excellent mantra.

I don't think people understand this kind of manipulation unless they have experienced toxic behaviour themselves. You're going to get a lot of "it's a bit of harmless fun" and "leave her to it it's her way of being affectionate" ITS NOT!

After putting up with passive aggressive nicknames all your life I would put a stop to it before it starts damaging your child. My mum had cruel nicknames for me she thought were funny and we're too obscure for others to cotton onto. I still think about them now and it's been years since they were last used.

Who cares if they call you humourless? She is a bully and your DF is enabling her. I would be sorely tempted to give them their own nicknames: Bully and Doormat and use them every time she tries one of her hilarious nicknames. Then, when they complain, turn their own argument back on themselves - "Oh I'm just joking, where's your sense of humour?"

She's a cowardly two-faced bully. "Janus" would suit her, the god with two faces.

I'd be tempted to play the game back on her. (I've done that on a friend whose intentions were irritating rather than malicious) If that fails, then significantly reducing contact.

I've had an openly critical mother. She's behaved better since I defended myself and established what I wouldn't take from her. There's still a sense of caution overshaddowing the relationship. Yours is worse because she's hiding behind what she thinks is a respectable veneer.

Her nicknames are not an affectionate sign of special relationships, they are to belittle and undermine.

DontMindMe1 I think that is unreasonable asto your siblings you are the name you were given by your parents so that's how they think of you. My best friedn was known as one name then I moved away and she was known as another. To me she is name a and she doesn't mind that I call her that as obviously all her hewer aquaintances don't. If you just ignore them and they are around other people who call you by your new name they may well start to do it without you making it into a big issue.

YANBU. It's horrible when people do this - insidious bullying and put-downs. You aren't allowed to be your own person, you're being forced into being who she wants you to be that day/week/month.

Really ridiculously unpleasant, and your father isn't any better for a) enabling her to be this way and b) going off at you if you don't find it amusing (I wouldn't either).

Having been on the back end of plenty of bully-style insults, and unpleasant nicknames, I totally sympathise and agree that you should do your best to nip it in the bud with your own baby; however, be prepared to be known as "hitler", "pol pot" or some other dictator from history if you do. Because obviously she is completely reasonable in her own head and because no one is allowed to challenge her - but you know, and most of us know, that she's far from it. (Some on here obviously agree with your Dad but never mind!)

Nicknames are only fun when no one's feeling are hurt or belittled by them. And in general, that's not the case, especially where your mother's concerned. :(

Go LC or NC, you won't change her behaviour, you can only change yours. If you don't want your child to experience it, you need to keep them away from your mum. Plus if your only see them occasionally you stand a better chance of staying firm in challenging the names.

Good luck. It's always disappointing when your parents are shit.

feelings

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She sounds awful! No, I wouldn't allow her to call my child nasty names (basically calling you Napoleon was calling you Fatty but disguised). If she did, I'd get very cross and ask her to leave/limit any contact.

It's not ok to bully people, which is what it is and it's fine to call them out on it.

And- it's not about cute nicknames, she doesn't use cute harmless nicknames, does she?

This sounds verbally abusive to me (although subtle, the intent to belittle is very much there). OP, have you read the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? You may find it helpful.

So, as a bit of light relief for you, cos that sounds exhausting! You have a perfect theme tune that can be playing every time she visits...

I was all set to say you're overreacting but actually yanbu. Thus sounds awful.

That's just not funny. She sounds a bit bloody poisonous to be honest and everyone goes along with it to look like they've got a good sense of humor. Limit the contact and challenge/call her out. She obviously doesn't like being called out so all the more reason to do it given how little she respects your boundaries.

YANBU OP

As Mrs DV says, if you've had the kind of mother who constantly puts you on the back foot or does things to belittle or confuse you, then that is definitely something you want to keep to a minimum around your own DC.

With my mother, it was constant snide comments, or praise to someone and then a significant look at you to highlight how useless you were in comparison.

Everyone loves my mother, says how funny and kind and sweet she is. She nearly destroyed me. So I have done everything I can to mitigate for that when she chose my DC2 to turn the Eye of Sauron upon.

You must do for your children what your father should have done for you, and above all, be kind to yourself.