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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed OH woke me both mornings

86 replies

Andrewsgirl · 27/06/2016 21:26

This weekend we had no children (both divorced so don't have the children every weekend) , been very stressful week, I'm exhausted and both mornings my OH has got up early (fine that's up to him) but both mornings he's come in and woken me from a very deep sleep around 8am. Both mornings I didn't say anything but was actually quite annoyed. He knows I'm exhausted, I would never ever wake him if he was fast asleep. I was so tired I fell asleep upright in a chair for two hours on Saturday afternoon. I've just mentioned it to him that I was annoyed he'd woken me both mornings and he thinks I'm being really unreasonable. I just know that if he was fast asleep and I knew he was tired I'd let him get as much sleep as he needed.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 28/06/2016 08:04

I would probably throw a pillow at anyone who tried to wake me up early to do housework of all things! How unnecessary.

Does your OH ever get a lie-in pearly or is he not allowed to decide when he gets up on his days off?(Assuming no little DC but you never mentioned them)

TheNaze73 · 28/06/2016 08:07

So making a partner a cup of tea at 8am, is "controlling" Heard it all now.

honeylulu · 28/06/2016 08:23

My dad does this to my mum. He's a morning person and she's not but he has no comprehension that other people have different preferences and won't accept it however many times he is told. It drives her crackers and he still does it!!! YANBU

HermioneJeanGranger · 28/06/2016 08:44

TheNaze how is it not controlling to wake another adult when they have specifically said to let them sleep!

OP told her DP she wanted a lie-in and he took it upon himself to decide she wasn't allowed one. In what universe is that okay?

She's an adult whose children are with their dad for the weekend - why does she have to accept being woken up by another adult who can't cope on his own for a few hours on a Saturday without getting "lonely"?!

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 28/06/2016 08:50

Yes TheNaze, it is.

tinyterrors · 28/06/2016 09:17

If my dh woke me up when I didn't need to be up and he knew I was knackered then I'd be massively pissed off. It's a very rare occasion ds2 doesn't wake me up before 6am and I'm not a morning person at all. Dh is more of a morning person but during the week 6.30am is a lie in for us so at the weekend we like to chill out and not be up early (before 9/10am) unless we have to.

Op it's definitely not on for him to wake you when he knew you needed and wanted a lie in. Next time neither of you have dcs tell him explicitly not room wake you on the morning, if he does I'd be having a serious think about whether I could carry on like that. A lie in may seem a small thing but it's the deliberate ignoring of your request that's the problem.

Re the jacket, if my dh spoke to me lile that I'd tell him to sod off and do it himself, if he wants my help he asks nicely because if he's sarky and passive aggressive he knows I'll ignore him.

pearly I feel very sorry for your OH. Just because you like to get up and get things done on your day off it doesn't give you the right to force him to get up and do what you want. If it were me you were waking early on my one day off a week I'd likely tell you to fuck off and I'd go back to sleep.

pearlylum · 28/06/2016 09:27

hermoine= I would probably throw a pillow at anyone who tried to wake me up early to do housework of all things! How unnecessary.

So housework is unnecessary? I should let him sleep because housework is trivial?

Our week panned out like this ( and is a fairly typical week)
Sunday evening OH catches a train to a distant city to work. Stays there all week, OK, he is working, but still finishes by 6pm and relaxes in a very nice hotel room, a nice meal in the hotel restaurant. Friday night I pick him up from the station.
Meanwhile I have been running the home, working pretty much full time ( I work from home and do 30 hours a week). I shop, clean, do all the housework, taxi service for the kids.
Friday night Saturday morning I do all the laundry . Saturday morning I go out to work ( an extra little job).
Meanwhile OH gets up, cuts the grass, takes DD to buy a birthday gift for a friend, tidies the kitchen, goes shopping then I pick up a takeaway meal on the way home from work.
Saturday night exhausted, so quick tidy and early night for me, OH does his usual and stays up until 2am.
So come Sunday morning we have the following to do:

Clean bathroom
more laundry
food shopping
lawn mowed
put clean laundry away
clean and tidy kitchen
cook lunch/dinner
take some items to the dump
get some stuff down from the loft
pick up DD from sleepover
hoover
a few hours work for me

Technically some of these items are "trivial", we could get by with just doing the food /clean clothes, but then the housework remains to be done. BY ME. OH is away again on Tuesday with work.

Damn right I am going to wake him up to do housework on a Sunday morning.

pearlylum · 28/06/2016 09:31

tinyterrors- so basically my OH gets away with doing no housework?

As it is he does no laundry, has never cleaned the toilet or bath or shower. He has never changed any sheets or washed them ( we have 4 beds in the house) never hoovered upstairs, never cleaned the oven, never washed the floor. He doesn't know who his car is insured with nor who provides our gas and electric.

And you suggest this " If it were me you were waking early on my one day off a week I'd likely tell you to fuck off and I'd go back to sleep."

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/06/2016 09:37

As other PPs have said I'd keep my wits about me as on its own it may or not be controlling, but as part of a bigger picture it could be. Making you doubt yourself is a red flag as well.

CocktailQueen · 28/06/2016 09:42

Op, YANBU. You had nothing to do all weekend, and your h knew you were tired. Totally controlling and unreasonable to wake you at 8. It's not like he waited till 2pm, is it?

Also: He was waxing his coat at the weekend and I was sat reading and he said to me that he was going to be there a very long time if I didn't get off my arse and help him.

WTAF?? This is very bad. His coat = he waxes it. I wouldn't have helped him after that comments. He sounds disrespectful and nasty.

Listen to your instinct here, OP!

Maroonie · 28/06/2016 09:42

It depends on context,
I rarely sleep past 7, so if I am still asleep later then I must really need it and wouldn't be too impressed by being woken up for no reason.
However my partner is just the type of person who would sleep til lunch every day- which means if I don't wake him I end up doing all the housework.
But like most situations a compromise is best- I leave him til 10ish then take him a cup of tea... And If there's no housework to do then I just leave him (and watch my TV programmes)

Maroonie · 28/06/2016 09:44

Missed the coat bit- that's surely his responsibility.

CocktailQueen · 28/06/2016 09:47

Pearly - I suggest you start your own thread, as you clearly have some relationship issues. This thread is about the OP, not about you!

dowhatnow · 28/06/2016 09:56

I'd have been so annoyed the first time that he really wouldn't have been in any doubt the second time.

My ex pils used to do that too, when we stayed with them. It was a family tradition and my exDh loved the early morning cup of tea. I put up with it until then first baby arrived and I was exhausted. I made sure it stopped then.

He could genuinely have thought it was a nice thing to do but once you've made it clear that you don't want it to happen then it is very disrespectful if he continues it. How clear did you make it? Wishy washy hints aren't enough.
You need to say clearly "please don't wake me up as this weekend/ever, as I am tired and don't like being woken up. I will be really annoyed if you do"

You have a problem if he ignores explicit requests.

MLGs · 28/06/2016 09:58

I agree pearly's issue is nothing to do with the OPs.

pearlylum · 28/06/2016 09:59

cocktail- not at all, I have no relationship issues. I am simply pointing out that there may be scenarios where waking someone early is justified.

pearlylum · 28/06/2016 10:01

maroonie However my partner is just the type of person who would sleep til lunch every day- which means if I don't wake him I end up doing all the housework.

Exactly.

dowhatnow · 28/06/2016 10:03

pearly He may prefer a lie in and to do the housework later.

You need to agree together the agenda. If you unilaterally decide he's getting up, then I can't blame him for not liking it.

However you organise things, it should be agreed and fair to both of you.

pearlylum · 28/06/2016 10:05

dowhatnow- there is too much to do to leave things till later.

Going to bed early is an option instead of sleeping late.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/06/2016 10:18

I agree that his remark about the coat is even worse as cannot be interpretated as kind in anyway. Did he actually say " get off your arse " How dare he! I could have a tiny bit of understanding for a morning person wanting to be up and out but speaking like that is horrible.

newname99 · 28/06/2016 10:35

For some people it feels alien to be asleep past 8am so potentially this is a mismatch however I think the coat remark is disrespectful but seems the show he has anger/resentment.

It could be he doesnt like you when you are not 'giving ' to him.Does he view you as needing to meet his needs.I would say you have some genuine concerns but maybe monitor to see if there is a trend or other concerns.

How long have you been together?

HermioneJeanGranger · 28/06/2016 10:46

I never said housework was unecessary, I said waking up at 8am to do it on a day off is unecessary! Nothing is that urgent that it has to be done at 8am on a Sunday morning, but I'm not the one being woken up to do it, so I suppose each to their own.

But back to the OP - I do think that when you have a rare child-free weekend and have requested a lie-in, it's very disrespectful for your OH to wake you up, especially for a ridiculous reason like "being lonely". I can maybe understand if he wanted to go out somewhere and you were in bed at 1pm, but there is no reason for anyone child-free to get up at 8am on a Saturday if they don't want to!

pearlylum · 28/06/2016 10:48

I like to do a big shop at 8am on a Sunday morning. Nice and quiet.

NapQueen · 28/06/2016 11:27

So leave the dh in bed then!

Iamworried2016 · 28/06/2016 11:38

where is open to do a 8am shop on a Sunday morning, aren't Sunday trading laws applicable where you live Pearly?

And I agree that if your DH wants a lie in he should get one occasionally, I used to live with a man who wanted me up and doing stuff when he was up, I also used to stay up much later than him. I'm an adult and it wasn't his decision to make, the jobs still got done, just not in his time. Its exhausting..