AIBU to be annoyed OH woke me both mornings

[Andrewsgirl]

This weekend we had no children (both divorced so don't have the children every weekend) , been very stressful week, I'm exhausted and both mornings my OH has got up early (fine that's up to him) but both mornings he's come in and woken me from a very deep sleep around 8am. Both mornings I didn't say anything but was actually quite annoyed. He knows I'm exhausted, I would never ever wake him if he was fast asleep. I was so tired I fell asleep upright in a chair for two hours on Saturday afternoon. I've just mentioned it to him that I was annoyed he'd woken me both mornings and he thinks I'm being really unreasonable. I just know that if he was fast asleep and I knew he was tired I'd let him get as much sleep as he needed.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I feel angry for you just reading your OP! WTF? Who wakes someone at 8am when there are no DCs around? LTB

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Hmm not sounding great from that little snap shot.

I was going to say "did he at least bring you tea or toast?" but actually even with a cuppa, the fact that you told him you were annoyed on Saturday and he did it again on Sunday speaks volumes.

On its own it may not appear to be a massive thing (although I need my sleep - I find it hard to get to sleep and even harder to get back to sleep after being woken, I have been known to cry about being woken up unnecessarily!) when you put it together with other little controlling acts and a stroppy side that makes you question your version of events you have to be thinking emotional abuse.

[Andrewsgirl]

Thanks everyone. It's helped me to not feel like I'm going crazy to be annoyed he did this. Thank you x

[Shizzlestix]

Next free weekend, explicitly tell him you are sleeping in and do not want to be woken up. What an arsehole, I'd go mad. Mine leaves the room quietly when he wakes up earlier than me. If he speaks to you rudely again eg the coat, walk out. He doesn't have the right to control your actions.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

I cannot believe I read 'What a prick'
and 'controlling prick' as a response to a husband waking his wife up. Mumsnet scares me sometimes.

[Baconyum]

I wouldn't have been lighthearted I'd have told him I'm an adult and can decide when to wake myself! 8 am on a non work day for NO reason is ridiculous and nasty.

It also sounds as if he's very rude to you and expects your life to revolve around his - fuck that! Tell him to pack that shit in or get out!

[HandbagCrazy]

The waking you up thing, on its own, is selfish. How long have you been together?
I ask as my DH is a morning person because he sleeps as soon as his head hits the pillow and I am not I have been referred to as a mean dragon in the mornings by both my DH and dad
When we hadn't been together long, he did this on a weekend visit to me in my student house. On the Friday, I asked him to let me sleep on Saturday. On Saturday, we had a row about it. On Sunday, I put his pillow over my face, told him to fuck off and refused to speak. He hasn't done it in the 14 years since.

If that was his only issue, I would say to tell him that you are planning to sleep in and not to bring you tea. And if he can't do that, he is an arsehole.

With the other issues - everything is always your fault, he speaks so horribly to you etc, I would say to be very careful you're not sleep walking into another abusive relationship.

Remember the mn advice - just because you left a grade A bully, does not mean you should settle for the next B grade one you find. You deserve better.

[Hillfarmer]

a husband waking his wife up

It's not just that though is it PaulAnka? Or have you not RTFT?

[HandbagCrazy]

Oh and next time he snaps, do not say anything, simply look at him with raised eyebrows and a quizzical look, as though you don't understand.
He will either snap again, making his moodiness more obvious, or have to think about how he sounds and rephrase is as a request. And you can say no to a request....

[HermioneJeanGranger]

It is controlling to make a grown adult get up when they don't have to/want to, though. How can you argue otherwise?

[AyeAmarok]

I always try to wake my DP up early if we have a rare day together.

I think YABU.

Well, maybe one lie in would have been nice, but no point wasting both mornings!

[Enkopkaffetak]

It took me years to get my chippy happy chatty morning person of a dh to get that really I want to kill him before 10 am on a morning I do not need to be up. Even now he has occasional lapses however at least now they are not deliberate (he will try to sneak in to the bedroom to get something then gets distracted by a piece of technology and I wake up by the light)

So it could be he just doesn't get the sleeping in However having said that IF I had said outright to my dh I did not want to be woken up that morning as I was exhausted and needing to sleep. Then he would not have woken me up.

For now I would likely give him the benefit of the doubt but next weekend with no kids spell it out. " Do not wake me until i wake up myself " (or an agreed time) Then if he does it again I would be having strong words

[DPotter]

But that's just it Aye - having a lie-in is NOT a waste of a morning if you need the sleep.

[PovertyPain]

It's easier to fuck with someone's mental state if they're tired, OP. I'm just wondering is that what's at the back go his mind? I bet that the next time you are free at the weekend he will either organise a 'nice' day out, so you have to get up.mof course YOU'LL be ungrateful and unreasonable if you don't go along with it. Or he'll accidently on purpose drop something, stub his toe and yell out, etc.

[VenusRising]

I agree povertypain, it's gas lighting, and I bet he'll have a reason to wake her again. Domestic crisis, or pull a sickie.

Sleep deprivation is a torture.
Cups of tea and bunches of flowers are used by abusers as put up and shut ups as in "Look at the lovely cup of tea / bunch of flowers I brought you, so now you can't complain about anything- how thoughtful I am".

Can you have a chat with womens aid OP as you say you've have had abusive relationships in the past.
It might help you think more clearly about your relationship with this one?

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

I have insomnia and never get enough sleep. Someone waking me up unnecessarily will get short fucking shrift and if they do it again I could only conclude they were a total prick
Yes, this man is a controlling prick and I stand by what I said. There was no reason to wake her other than he decided he wanted her awake. Controlling. He knew she was tired and needed sleep. Prick.

[kawliga]

He came in both mornings (with a cup of tea) and woke me up. I think because he came with a cup of tea in his mind it's all ok.

No, in his mind it's not all ok. The purpose of the cup of tea is to make you the bad person if you complain. Because, who complains about a cup of tea? Just think of his side of the story, if he tells people that he brought you a cup of tea in bed (oh, how sweet, they'll say) and you got cross.

One thing I've learned about people who twist things round, so that you have to be the bad person if you complain - they know that what they're doing is wrong, but they don't have to explain their reasoning. That's the brilliance of it. It is the person who complains who has to explain their reasoning.

[pearlylum]

I wake my OH up early.

We both work long hours and it's not often we get a day off together to catch up with housework, never mind relaxing and doing fun things.
OH could sleep until lunchtime if I let him, but it's such a waste of a day.
He has a tendency to stay up late at weekends, often until 2am watching TV, so if that means he is tired the next morning then tough.
If we get up early on a Saturday and Sunday we can get loads done before lunch time.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

He sounds very controlling. I get up with the dog every morning, including weekends ( or he howls the house down and comes looking for me 🐶). But I nap in the afternoon & dh would never wake me up for no reason. Feeling lonely? Manchild

[eddielizzard]

he is an arsehole. i saw a great quote the other day:

the trouble is your instinct doesn't scream at you, it whispers. you'd be wise to listen to it very carefully.

you know what yours is telling you, trust it.

[kawliga]

Feeling lonely, and making tea, is a way of occupying the 'innocent space'. Because nobody should be cross at someone who was lonely (cue violins) and brought her a cup of tea.

pearlylum the difference is your OH doesn't mind that you wake him up early to get on with housework. Please God tell us he doesn't mind, because otherwise that is just sad. It's obviously ok to wake somebody up if they want to be woken up!! A good way to tell is when they say 'please wake me up tomorrow so I can get cracking with all the housekeeping bright and early'. Or if they say 'thanks for waking me up!' after the fact.

[pearlylum]

"kawliga"

Of course he minds being woken up, he would rather sleep until lunchtime.
We often get one day a week or less to catch up with chores.
If he slept until lunchtime then a lot of the stuff won't get done, and he would be off to work the following day leaving me to deal with cleaning/ laundry/shopping that didn't get done.
Yes Sunday would be relaxed, but at my expense.

So I wake him up so he can get the finger out, and no he doesn't like it.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Right, but that's your situation. Not the op's

[TendonQueen]

The coat remark is what does it for me. His underlying attitude is that you should be doing whatever he wants to do, on his timetable. Do you live together?

[MLGs]

Seems very controlling to me. The coat remark and the waking up. Especially the fact that he djd it again when you asked him not to.

Trying to keep you exhausted is such a hallmark of an EA relationship. And the not being able to bear to see you sitting down.