Friend wants to report couple at soft play?

[HavenforHaggis]

I'm actually bewildered by it all but would like some opinions. A friend I met at a baby group a few months ago became quite close to me and since we have DC of the same age we take them to a local soft play. It was packed so we asked a couple who had a DS of around 2 if we could share the sofa/table near the toddler pit that they occupied, they agreed with no problem. When snack time came about the boy's father picked him up and sat him on a high chair to feed him, the boy refused the food a few times so the father held the boy's face to get him to try the food which distressed him a bit. My friend commented that the boy seemed upset which caused his mum to explain to us that he had autism and quite a few sensory processing disorders so getting him to eat new textures is a challenge. She went on to say that he would happily live off his bottles of cows milk and has to be 'forced' to try our type of food as he does eat it after a few tries. I told her I understood as my own DD has autism.

I felt a bit bad for the mum as she felt the need to explain this to us but I thought that was the end of it until friend and I left. She commented that the father seemed to be 'domineering' his son and forcing him to eat like that while he was distressed was borderline abusive and that she has half a mind to report him. We're sitting in a cafe and she's still going on about it. I have no clue what to reply to this and it's making me
uncomfortable. Is she BU? How to I respond to this? 😳

Some responses on here do remind me how little some people know about autism and some who know but continue to judge. Though I'm glad the vast majority know exactly what myself and this couple have probably gone through. Like I've explained my DD was/still is terribly with food. Choking, gagging, throwing up, refusing to eat is all normal for her and I'm constantly worried about her weight and food intake.

Violet, yes she was going to 'befriend' them in order to get information. The sneakyness made me nervous as I'm more than likely going to run into her again.

Neither would I, Dixie. But what would be your options? Stay in constantly or if your child suddenly became hungry.

I think we can mostly agree it's a case by case issue. What works for some, doesn't for others

DD is the same. When we're out in public I have to stick to smooth foods else her gag reflex plays up and she would literally projectile vomit.

I agree. I'd never judge another parent especially one with ASD because the problems can't be put under one blanket.

She wanted to befriend them to extract information out of them , she sounds nasty, and I would be worried she would do the same to you.

My son has Aspergers - I think a lot of Autism parenting might look like abuse to an outsider! Ironically so many people say "He just needs a good smack!".

Aero, I hadn't really taken her seriously until now. If there is suddenly a report that's taken seriously I'll know who's behind it at least. 😔

Mater, it's true sometimes the lesser evil can look like 'tough love'!

Haven I apologise for a harsh choice of words for this woman, but the facts still stand.

Too many parents, of NT children usually, see things they've never encountered and think they can get positioned high on their pedestal and say "I'd never do that" or "that isn't how I do it...it must be abuse"

My DS has Asperger's but you'd barely tell now unless you spoke to him. It wasn't the same 6 years ago, far from it.
He wouldn't go to the bathroom, had repetitive tics, barely slept, and would only eat 4 foods: chicken, potato, rice and cheese.
Never touching, his sauce went on a separate plate to dip into, not on the food, if it went on his food that was it, ruined.
He became badly constipated, and I was urged that he really needed to eat a wider diet.

If I'd have had a SS visit, because some woman had seen me frustrated, tired, but determinedly trying to get DS to have some carrot and peas, I'd have felt further judged, on top of the self- judgment I felt anyway, for it usually ending in tears and mess that was me

So I feel strongly that unless you can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that something really needs investigation, let parents do what they can.

Violet, though I know not to judge from appearances the little boy looked, happy, healthy, well fed and clean. No visible marks and he was quite affectionate with his parents. Like I said he was distressed for the first two spoonfuls but after that he happily ate his lunch so I am confident that there was nothing going on other than trying to get a child with ASD to eat.

Again I might have a bias but knowing how DD is I can't judge these parents. I've tried to explain to my friend but she either doesn't fully understand or doesn't want to and I have to justify myself to enough people never mind those who are meant to be friends. While a SS visit would terrify me for numerous reasons I know that I do the best for my DD and try to make things as easy for her as possible and by sticking to her routine we achieve that but she will always have bad days.

You wouldnt do it for food but would for a hair cut

I don't think your friend deserves the insults she's getting here. Force feeding is pretty extreme and is considered to be torture in most contexts. I can well understand that it would be very distressing to sit next to a small child being held in place while food was forced down his throat and who appeared distressed at this. I don't know if it's wrong or not, perhaps it genuinely is the only way with some children and is an accepted technique. But I've never heard of it being an accepted technique to get kids to eat, so I don't think she's unreasonable to at least want some professional to check that everything is ok. If everything is ok no harm is done. But I don't beleive that whatever a parent does is above criticism just because they're a parent.

my non autistic ds would sometimes get so hungry he couldn't start eating.

If I held his face and got he first spoon in he would realise it was food and eat.

You know your own child. Wouldn't have done this with dd (wouldn't have needed to)

If I hadn't done it, he would have got more hungry and into more of a state.

Agree with fusionconfusion above. Your friend is behaving like a twat. at "reporting it".

Your friend needs to mind her own business. Parenting a child with autism is difficult enough without some busybody sticking their nose in where it's not wanted. Every autistic child is different and parents devise their own strategies for dealing with all the issues that throws up, and food is a MAJOR issue for lots of autistic kids.

Really depends on how bad the eating issues are. And they can be awful w asd. The facf thecwoman is trying to explain makes me think it's really just that.
I do feel it's possible your friend is projecting forced feeding done to her onto a totally different situation

maybe encourage friend to go out more

I know someone who is like you're friend always wants to get involved in you're business when they should mind their own business. She will do harm to the family mentally if ss does contact them. It doesn't matter if they don't take it further that will leave a scar. I think the messenger should be shot.

I think unless one has been in this situation it is easy to judge. They have to get food in him somehow, OP your friend clearly doesn't understand how dificult it must be to get this boy to eat. Tell her to calm down and stop judging them.

Daho, I agree forcing a child to eat something they don't want is cruel. But this was not the case. After two spoon fulls the little boy had the taste in his mouth and ate the rest without complaint. As the child has ASD I can't imagine what else these parents have already tried. When your child won't eat and their weight is a contant concern then the lesser or the two evils is just that. The judgement is not needed.

My own DD is still a nightmare with food and I'm constantly worried about her weight, intake and everything else. I certainly wouldn't want busy bodies who have no experience with what I'm dealing with calling me 'cruel' for wanting my child to eat.

Small update. Saw 'friend' at soft play today. She was talking to the little boy's mum which is made me I'll just looking as I know the only reason she's trying to befriend the poor woman is to get her bloody name and other personal information.

I think if the parent was unduly rough, or continued after the first couple of 'tastes' - then that wouldn't be on. But it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like the child as introduced to a food that they would not have otherwise.

I've had to physically manhandle my hyperactive child and remove them from situations - because I knew that in a second he would have got too excitable and kicked another child or caused an accident. To an outsider they probably thought that I was reacting very harshly, but I just go by instinct now and I'd much rather avoid a situation.

I wouldn't just your friend harshly for wanting to judge, or the parents for wanting to continue to give their child broad tastes and diet. However this doesn't seem to be a 'red flag' - no other signs of neglect or abuse. More worrying would be covert or hidden 'forcing' or maltreatment which of course, is harder to spot. If your friend is concerned I don't see why she can't get to know them a bit better, with an open mind, she might learn something.