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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to report couple at soft play?

109 replies

HavenforHaggis · 27/06/2016 13:52

I'm actually bewildered by it all but would like some opinions. A friend I met at a baby group a few months ago became quite close to me and since we have DC of the same age we take them to a local soft play. It was packed so we asked a couple who had a DS of around 2 if we could share the sofa/table near the toddler pit that they occupied, they agreed with no problem. When snack time came about the boy's father picked him up and sat him on a high chair to feed him, the boy refused the food a few times so the father held the boy's face to get him to try the food which distressed him a bit. My friend commented that the boy seemed upset which caused his mum to explain to us that he had autism and quite a few sensory processing disorders so getting him to eat new textures is a challenge. She went on to say that he would happily live off his bottles of cows milk and has to be 'forced' to try our type of food as he does eat it after a few tries. I told her I understood as my own DD has autism.

I felt a bit bad for the mum as she felt the need to explain this to us but I thought that was the end of it until friend and I left. She commented that the father seemed to be 'domineering' his son and forcing him to eat like that while he was distressed was borderline abusive and that she has half a mind to report him. We're sitting in a cafe and she's still going on about it. I have no clue what to reply to this and it's making me
uncomfortable. Is she BU? How to I respond to this? 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
HavenforHaggis · 27/06/2016 14:27

Have to point out that little boy are happily after being given a few spoonfuls

OP posts:
Dacc · 27/06/2016 14:28

Your friend is a bit of a tosser to be honest.

NarkyKnockers · 27/06/2016 14:31

It's not either that or don't eat at all op. There are plenty of kinder ways of doing it. I've been on courses about food refusal in autism and they all suggest encouraging trying new foods in a bon threatening and playful way. The child will be anxious about trying the new food and possibly have sensory discomfort with the texture. Holding their head and forcing them is cruel. Possibly just misguided but I think I'd have had to say something at the time if I saw the child distressed.

Buttock · 27/06/2016 14:31

What's the point of getting together in a cafe if you're on your phone "facebooking"? This really irks me. I know someone who comes to my house and sits on her phone what sapping. It's so rude. Phones should not be out on the table if you're meeting friends.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 27/06/2016 14:32

My dd has autism and is just like this. She is suspicious of all food but if I can get her to try it then she will eat most things.
You friend needs to get a grip.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/06/2016 14:34

You're friend is being a prat. Interfering as well, she had no right to even comment on the child being upset.

DustyBustle · 27/06/2016 14:35

Seriously, you're typing all this while holding another conversation with her?

That's impressive mulit-tasking, even if a tad rude Grin

I think since you have more understanding of their situation and you feel ok about how they're dealing with him, then you could politely (or not) tell her to mind her own.

Original poster
HavenforHaggis · 27/06/2016 14:36

Mostly for the different views as I've said I think I'm on the bias side because of my DD and I know how hard it can be. I don't know this woman or her child or what methods she's already tried so it gets to me.

Buttock when you find the subject of conversation slightly offensive I think I can be excused. I've told her I don't agree and that you can't blanket all children with autism under the same one.

OP posts:
user1465823522 · 27/06/2016 14:40

i think that unless you are the parent of child with autism or a doctor specialising in the field then your opinion is irrelevant.

fusionconfusion · 27/06/2016 14:42

There are many different ways of approaching food refusal in autism. You really do need to realise that there are children who will refuse food to the point of dehydration and starvation as well as children whose only food is non-food material (this is called pica). It is really unbearably stressful for parents. Food refusal is one of the most distressing aspects of autism for many parents and carers. Take every stress you've ever had and magnify it by a million and then imagine going through that every meal time, over and over, with virtually no professional support for many.

The best evidence is for systematic planning for success graded on a hierarchy with careful functional analysis.. but guess what? Who do you think gets professional support with this? Almost NO ONE unless they can afford to pay privately for a behavioural consultant.

So, your friend needs to WIND their neck in. Honestly the world would be so much better if there was more support and less judgement. If she felt that strongly about it, she could have sensitively and openly and curiously discussed it with the family. Lily livered judger.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/06/2016 14:48

She shod stay out of it and stop being interesting.

BishopBrennansArse · 27/06/2016 14:51

I had to do it with both DS'. Both autistic. Just a tiny bit on the lip so they tasted it and then they'd eat it. Wouldn't have dreamed about doing it with something they didn't like or 'force it in' but a hand gently to the face to allow me to dot the lip was sometimes needed.

NarkyKnockers · 27/06/2016 14:52

Fusion please tell me which professionals advocate holding a child and forcing food into their mouth? The child in the op takes bottles so no imminent danger of dehydration. Taking away control will just add to the anxiety around food.

Fairuza · 27/06/2016 14:55

Forcing food into a distressed child's mouth certainly looks abusive.

Original poster
HavenforHaggis · 27/06/2016 14:56

I understand PP's point on 'forcing' and I agree if a child doesn't like certain foods then no of course you should not force them to eat it. But I think it's an entirely different story when you know the child has ate the food before and likes it but is still refusing. That's the hard line and I've had issues with my own DD and food. Her gag reflex makes food impossible sometimes and it's a never ending worry for me.

exFriend has just left. I explained my experiences with DD and food but she stated that she knows my DD has autism but if she ever found me 'doing something like that' then she'd 'happily report me too'. I told her I needed friends that didn't judge me, my daughter and our routine. Actually very upset because how would anyone know what myself or that other mum have been through to get their children to eat! If they're losing weight or if we can't afford a specialist. All this is hard enough without being judged.

OP posts:
Original poster
HavenforHaggis · 27/06/2016 14:58

Yes the little boy was distressed and fought but once he was able to taste the food he happily ate.

OP posts:
user1465823522 · 27/06/2016 14:58
  • understand PP's point on 'forcing' and I agree if a child doesn't like certain foods then no of course you should not force them to eat it. But I think it's an entirely different story when you know the child has ate the food before and likes it but is still refusing. That's the hard line and I've had issues with my own DD and food. Her gag reflex makes food impossible sometimes and it's a never ending worry for me.

exFriend has just left. I explained my experiences with DD and food but she stated that she knows my DD has autism but if she ever found me 'doing something like that' then she'd 'happily report me too'. I told her I needed friends that didn't judge me, my daughter and our routine. Actually very upset because how would anyone know what myself or that other mum have been through to get their children to eat! If they're losing weight or if we can't afford a specialist. All this is hard enough without being judged.*

This. Exactly this.

NO ONE can understand unless they are in that situation.

SemiNormal · 27/06/2016 15:01

Forcing food into a distressed child's mouth certainly looks abusive. - I agree. Yes it may be exceptional circumstances but your friend clearly doesn't understand this. I'm sorry but there does seem to be an attitude that everyone should know and understand everything regarding autism (and any other condition) but unless people have some kind of experience they likely won't know what to expect, what is'normal' in certain situations, and I think it's 'okay' to question that - especially if you think there may be some kind of abuse going on.

NickiFury · 27/06/2016 15:03

It's NOT "force feeding". It's ensuring that your child doesn't live on chicken nuggets and Cheerios his/ her whole childhood.

Savemefromwine · 27/06/2016 15:03

She sounds bat shit crazy and a busy body to boot and she must think you are very rude to be on your phone all this time.

What a strange pair

Original poster
HavenforHaggis · 27/06/2016 15:04

Semi, I defiantly don't think everyone should know about autism and what it happens because each parent and child will have a different personal experience. I attempted to explain and give my own experiences with DD but I was still met with the same type of ignorance which makes me think even if given a explanation some people still work accept it.

OP posts:
fusionconfusion · 27/06/2016 15:05

"Fusion please tell me which professionals advocate holding a child and forcing food into their mouth? The child in the op takes bottles so no imminent danger of dehydration. Taking away control will just add to the anxiety around food."

If you read my post, you would read that I said that the way to deal with this is through functional analysis and systematic planning but given that almost no one gets free professional support on a continuous basis to help them manage this, it is hardly surprising that stressed out parents worried for their child's safety and health will do whatever they can however they can to feed their child.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/06/2016 15:06

Force feeding a child isn't somehow ok because he has autism.

fusionconfusion · 27/06/2016 15:06

"Actually very upset because how would anyone know what myself or that other mum have been through to get their children to eat! If they're losing weight or if we can't afford a specialist. All this is hard enough without being judgement"

This is what I was saying, really. Honestly, people have no clue how little support there is for so many people living with this on a daily basis.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/06/2016 15:06

But it depends of they were actually doing that. I don't think anyone on thread would have force fed their kids

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