To be upset at way DH is treating me on my birthday

[BigMuffinTop]

Hi - NC - ok so yesterday DH and I had an argument over how we are parenting DD. He accuses me of being a bad mother because I discipline her - but I feel I often have to compensate for his lack of parenting. I am very open and verbal - he is very passive aggressive. I went to bed very upset - and he slept in another room. I texted him to say I felt upset, that I was sorry that he felt that way about me but that I still loved him. No response.

Today is my birthday. This morning he comes in and puts a card by my bed and sneaks out. The card is addressed using my "proper" name. He only ever calls me by my nick name. He knows that I use my proper name solely for people who don't know me /aren't close friends. Inside he has not even addressed me by any name at all. Just "Have a happy birthday. Love X" .

He has now made an excuse to go out on some errand about 40 miles away which will no doubt take hours. I'm sure he didn't have this planned before as he never mentioned it to me. When I asked him if he had any plans for the rest of the day day he said no. Usually on my birthday he would take me out for lunch or something as he has done for the last 10 years. I had set the day aside.

I feel like I am being punished by him all the time . It feels like the card and the going out on an unnecessary errand is just more passive aggressive behaviour.

AIBU to feel this way or is there something wrong with me? Is this something your DH's would do? Are there any men out there who can explain it to me or who feel I am wrong here?

I am very confused and upset.

He said I had probably caused irreparable damage as I was "absent" for the most formative years

Lol. What a twisted cunt. Sorry, but he is.

I think he hit on the right idea about the counseller though. I think you should see a counseller. Hopefully counselling will provide you with safe space to explore whether you really want to remain in this relationship.

LTFB

Why is your absence damaging to your DD but his OK. He controls the money, bullies you into not working, makes your birthday all about him... He doesn't sound like a decent person from here.
Do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship?
If not, then there is a problem.
If your answer is No.
Does your DH want you to be equal and treat you like an equal?
If not, then there is a bigger problem.

He is not a good man, he's horribly abusive.
He keeps you on edge, and without money, belittles you and your parenting. Bullies you, is Passive aggressive and gaslighting.
What a prize.
Walk away with your Dd, go back to work and watch him squirm when he has to pay out a decent amount and have no say in your interactions with your child.
What would you do if your Dd came home and described her partner as doing all these things to her? She will grow up thinking this is how she should be treated by men. Show her a better way.

You're being emotionally abused.

Go for the counselling OP. Go on your own and learn to be your own strength. You do have it in you. Learn to know your own mind and be able to differentiate between someone else forcing their opinion and a genuine compromise. Learn to have faith in yourself. You may find your relationship does not survive. However, that would be down to your husbands unwillingness to see the relationship in any other way than the way he wants it to be. Things need to change on both sides. He needs to let go of his need to be right in everything and his belief that only his opinion is the one that matters. You need to let go of your fear.

darling, he has given you the best birthday present ever... he has gone one step too far in his abuse and you are beginning to recognise it as such. now is the time to start believing in yourself, getting advice and being in a position to enjoy your birthday abuse free next year.

he is messing with your head to get what he wants.

start your exit plan today.

Please have a look at the term "coercion and control" and see if you recognise any of the behaviour. It's new legislation. X

How are you OP?

Could you speak to women's aid asap, as counselling takes time to set up.

Please think about it. They are helpful in all types of abuse situations and the freedom programme they run (in classes but also online) has helped so many women. Can really recommend it

I think I would have said he was making dinner, but I don't like pizza!