To be upset at way DH is treating me on my birthday

[BigMuffinTop]

Hi - NC - ok so yesterday DH and I had an argument over how we are parenting DD. He accuses me of being a bad mother because I discipline her - but I feel I often have to compensate for his lack of parenting. I am very open and verbal - he is very passive aggressive. I went to bed very upset - and he slept in another room. I texted him to say I felt upset, that I was sorry that he felt that way about me but that I still loved him. No response.

Today is my birthday. This morning he comes in and puts a card by my bed and sneaks out. The card is addressed using my "proper" name. He only ever calls me by my nick name. He knows that I use my proper name solely for people who don't know me /aren't close friends. Inside he has not even addressed me by any name at all. Just "Have a happy birthday. Love X" .

He has now made an excuse to go out on some errand about 40 miles away which will no doubt take hours. I'm sure he didn't have this planned before as he never mentioned it to me. When I asked him if he had any plans for the rest of the day day he said no. Usually on my birthday he would take me out for lunch or something as he has done for the last 10 years. I had set the day aside.

I feel like I am being punished by him all the time . It feels like the card and the going out on an unnecessary errand is just more passive aggressive behaviour.

AIBU to feel this way or is there something wrong with me? Is this something your DH's would do? Are there any men out there who can explain it to me or who feel I am wrong here?

I am very confused and upset.

Could you address the suggestion of counselling by saying to him that if he wants to find a marriage counsellor then you'd go along to a session?
At the very least it might help you discuss leaving - if that's what you decide you want to do.
Absolute best case scenario is it helps him realise what a prat he's being and he spends the rest of your marriage making it up to you.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Not great on your birthday admittedly.
However two dudes to every story.

You texted him? You said you are very open and verbal. That could mean loud and go by. It could mean you are in someone's face. I don't know. Maybe he has had enough of the way you react. No one on here knows but aye reflect on your behaviour before you talk it through and find out what middle ground you can com

OP you do realize that your in an abusive relationship don't you?and that your husband is the abuser?

Your scared of what he'll say,what he'll do,he controls you financially,ignores your feelings and sadness,blames you for everything,is passive aggresive and puts you down to a child,your own child.

None of that is normal Top,I went through the same and it nearly destroyed me,the only thing that worked was getting out of that relationship,I had two young DC and it was the best decision I ever made for my 2 DS's and myself.
The abuse ended and mine and my DC lifes started.

You said you can't tell anyone in RL why is that?
Could you not talk to your parents,friends,siblings,a cousin,Auntie or Uncle your close to,neighbours your close to?

You really need to start letting people know whats going on at home and about how your being treated,that's the second step in really seeing it for yourself and being able to move forward whilst leaving the Bastard behind!
Talking about it on here and asking for advice was your first step

With the parenting as long as your not physically hurting your child,screaming in they're face and threatening them or putting them down with derogatory remarks then your doing fine and parenting in a normal way.

I've had issues like this with my dh in the past. We've been together since we were 16 and now we're 39 so we know each other pretty well. The main advice I think is just communicating face to face. If there is some thing bothering you need to say it to him rather than text it to him. Me and dh also have different parenting styles and are complete opposites in our personality. But I think that's because our upbringing was different too. councelling is a great idea and will really help you see from each others point of view. Keep strong and don't be too stressed.

Maybe it's just me but if two people are in the same house but different rooms texting rather than speaking to them is a sign that communication between them needs work..

I texted because we'd already had a 2 hour marathon which had got us nowhere. He constantly twists everything I say or turns it back on me instead of actually listening to what I'm trying to say. So for example if I say I'm really upset at the way he handled X situation and can we talk about it he will just say to me "and you think you handled it better?" with a sarcastic grin. Sometimes I have found that if I write things down he will take time to read and perhaps think about it before throwing it back at me. I just didn't want to get into another slanging match and thought perhaps this would be a calmer way to explain things.

gamerchick no I don't agree - I think it takes two.

ontheholidays - I'm to embarrassed to talk to anyone in RL and I'd also feel disloyal.

He's not a bad man - we're just on completely different planets on some things. It's just that his manner is so cold and PA and things come out when we have words which show me that he harbours things in his mind and then uses them to judge me. I no longer know if he has any real feelings for me. Because if he did, surely he couldn't behave so coldly without being aware he was hurting me. If I were to ask him that he would say something helpful like "and of course you did nothing to make me feel that way?"

Happy birthday

If I were to ask him that he would say something helpful like "and of course you did nothing to make me feel that way?"
Could he have a point?

I'm not taking sides here because I don't know anything about you both but as usual we are only seeing one side and everyone piles in with what a bastard he is. However I've had years of listening to various friend saying something similar and yet when I have seen their behaviours towards their partners I think ' flippin' heck! No wonder he / she acts like they do, you would make a saint sin!'

All I am saying is take a honest look at yourself. You say you open and verbal. That could mean so many different things.
If you are completely sure that what you are doing is fine and you haven't pushed him to the end of his thethet then of course this needs thrashing out.

One thing age and relationships have thought me is that things are rarely so clean cut and more than often there are other perspectives.

Why would you be worried what he thought about you going on a picnic. All it is , Is that he was out on an errand so you made the most and went out with DD. You could have text and and ask if he wanted to join you when he is done.
What's this about not being able to go away.

I think you need to think hard about yourself and your behaviour, his behaviour and how it can be reconciled and think about what you want for the future.

This abuse is harming you and DC.

Look how differently you both expressed yourself in the example you just gave. You say 'I' am upset at how you handled X ..... so you owned and took responsibility for how you were feeling about his behaviour. You weren't judging him. His reply uses the 'you', ie doesn't own his feelings, and deflects, blames, accuses you of making out your better all in one statement and accompanied by the sarcastic grin. So not really someone who really wants things sorted out.

Don't think couples counselling would be safe for you with him only wanting to control you and twist things. Sorry you are going through this OP

*whathaveilost" - of course he has a point - I have already said hat it takes two and I have already said also that I am verbal against his passive aggression. In fact the PA has the (probably desired) effect of winding me up / backing me into a corner so I come out fighting.

I'm quite sure that some of my behaviour is pre-emptively defensive. I'm a always waiting for the snide remark or whatever and so it's a bit chicken and egg.

The point I am trying to make is that when I try to talk to him about things - something that happened or how I am feeling or something he might have said or done that has upset me - he is not interested in the discussion, only in getting defensive and retaliating by throwing my words back at me. If he felt that I had done something to provoke him in the first place I am open to him explaining that to me - that is why I try to engage him in a discussion - but all that ever happens is that he throws it back at me at then wipes his hands. Instead of saying, ok let's talk about that - this is how I feel/ this is why I said or did that etc.

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself properly. I'm no saint. I do feel that he brings out the worst in me at times because he provokes me with his passive aggressive behaviour. Maybe he feels the same. I make efforts to talk about it but he doesn't seem to ever get the point of the discussion. He doesn't ever seem interested in understanding how I might be feeling or looking at the essence of what it is I am saying. How can we ever resolve anything if he won't move past retaliation mode.

Has he always been like this?
What was he like when you were dating and had disagreements or is this new behaviour?

Also, just to clarify re the picnic and going away.

He made a deliberate point of ruining my birthday. As a punishment for arguing with him he decided to make a passive aggressive point and give me leave by my bed a birthday card which referred to me using a formal mode of address on the envelope, and no mode of address within - after which, he made a plan to run away and hide go out on an unnecessary errand 40 miles away which he knew would get him out of the house for half the day. After listening to some advice on MN, I decided to pluck up the courage and do something on my own. I would not normally have done this. I would normally have sat at home waiting for him to come back, feeling upset and wanting to have it out with him. By going out it felt like I was now the one deliberately making a point. I felt that he would take this as a retaliation or as me "wanting to make things worse". That is why I was worried. That he would say I was ruining things by "going off". Yes, I could have invited him, but that was not the point.

Re going away - yes, I feel that perhaps a little distance wouldn't be a bad thing - give us both some time to reflect. I can't make financial decisions as I have no financial independence. I am given "pocket money" every month for my expenses. There is not enough in that to fund a holiday. And it would take me about 5 years to save up out of it. I would have to ask him for the money which would give him the power and delight to say no.

Mine was PA, he also threw everything back at me when I tried to talk about the issues in our marriage as I saw them.

It got very petty. He cba to lift the seat when peeing in the downstairs toilet, I called him up on his sprinkles. "You leave them too" he bleated. Erm...men and little boys in their 50's are supposed to lift the seat!

I asked him whether his mother had taught him to use the toilet.

He is now Ex (was lazy cocklodger to boot!)

I am given "pocket money" every month for my expenses

You don't work? Are you happy being financially dependent on him?

Re the pocket money, that is so insulting and degrading.

I haven't worked for 13 years, our decision as DH earns more than enough for us both and it suit our lifestyle for me not to work. However, we have joint bank accounts, which DH's wage goes into and we use that for everything. He trusts me not to overspend (well usually!!). For big purchases, such as holidays, we discuss and agree our budget together.

I would be mortified if I was given an allowance ... we are a team and in his eyes I contribute just as much as him.

I do realise how lucky I am

Please don't minimise what he's doing because of your behaviour when baited. The baiting is part of the abuse. As well as the blocking, deflecting,, blaming, denigrating. He knows exactly what he's doing and it's working very well for him. No need to self reflect or change anything. He's got you doubting and second guessing yourself more and more. Financial control/abuse too, leading you to feel you have no options.

Don't discount abuse just because it's not physical. The more you post the more abusive it sounds.

Sorry OP and

No, I don't work. I did until a couple of years ago but DH told me I was neglecting DD and should give it up.

No, I don't work. I did until a couple of years ago but DH told me I was neglecting DD and should give it up
Do you always do as you are told?

It's not as simple as that. I have a low self esteem. I felt guilty and believed what he said. The most important thing to me is being a good mother but I don't think I am because of the way he judges me. He said I had probably caused irreparable damage as I was "absent" for the most formative years. I felt terrible and responsible.

The most important thing any one can do in my opinion is to think for themselves.

Do it from now on. You may or may not be in an abusive relationship. We are only hearing one side that you are posting and that is a snap shot. However you are not happy with the way things are.

Self reflection isn't a bad thing and you may reflect that 'yes, actually I am doing a dam good job' if so use that as your coat of armour to empower your self. Why not work? Part time job maybe to start with. You are getting child benefit money? Can you put that to one side? Try and get your self a reserve of money for your own needs.

Must be hard walking on uneven surfaces around the home when he keeps sweeping everything under the rug.

Financially you are kept short. He makes you doubt your parenting ability. He never says sorry and won't try to see your pov.

I wonder what lies beneath DH's objections to you disciplining DD? His opinion of you hurts unless you find a way to zone out. This started a while ago, when your DH got stuck on the idea DD had had a negative life experience early on simply because you worked. It makes you feel guilty and forever making up for it.

It sounds like a cat teasing an injured bird. I expect he has a store of anecdotes regarding your 'temper' or 'unreasonable' responses to provocation. Unluckily your birthday came when it did so he could put you in the naughty corner.

I was taken aback at texting between rooms until I read further. I think it is risky engaging with him unless you shore up confidence, because normal rules of communication don't apply. When you tell someone like him, “I feel sad that you cold-shouldered me on my birthday" it is akin to you pulling out the pin and handing him the grenade. Right now he uses what you reveal to him against you.

He sounds a horrible, horrible man and the more you disclose about him the more abusive he sounds. I would really urge you to talk to someone in RL about this. You will probably be surprised how much they have already guessed. Please, try and pluck up the courage to speak to someone you are close to. And counselling is probably a good idea but just for yourself to help you unravel all this and find the strength to move on, please don't go with him.

Wait, does he work full time? Isn't he damaging your daughter by being 'absent'? Why is it only you at fault? It sounds to me like this was a way to make you financially dependent. You've done as he asks and now he controls the money? Not right. Actually abusive.

(And of course, you weren't at fault. Many children have parents who's parents both work and they do just fine. It's good for a daughter to see a mother who is able to work).

Sorry OP just reread my last post and see it might not be clear that I meant HE has no need to self reflect or change in the dynamic that he's set up, as it suits him too well.

You do seem to have awareness of your own behaviour already.

Might be hard to see when you're in it and have been wrongfooted for so long, but he is actually harming DD by his abuse of you