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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at way DH is treating me on my birthday

85 replies

BigMuffinTop · 27/06/2016 10:36

Hi - NC - ok so yesterday DH and I had an argument over how we are parenting DD. He accuses me of being a bad mother because I discipline her - but I feel I often have to compensate for his lack of parenting. I am very open and verbal - he is very passive aggressive. I went to bed very upset - and he slept in another room. I texted him to say I felt upset, that I was sorry that he felt that way about me but that I still loved him. No response.

Today is my birthday. This morning he comes in and puts a card by my bed and sneaks out. The card is addressed using my "proper" name. He only ever calls me by my nick name. He knows that I use my proper name solely for people who don't know me /aren't close friends. Inside he has not even addressed me by any name at all. Just "Have a happy birthday. Love X" .

He has now made an excuse to go out on some errand about 40 miles away which will no doubt take hours. I'm sure he didn't have this planned before as he never mentioned it to me. When I asked him if he had any plans for the rest of the day day he said no. Usually on my birthday he would take me out for lunch or something as he has done for the last 10 years. I had set the day aside.

I feel like I am being punished by him all the time . It feels like the card and the going out on an unnecessary errand is just more passive aggressive behaviour.

AIBU to feel this way or is there something wrong with me? Is this something your DH's would do? Are there any men out there who can explain it to me or who feel I am wrong here?

I am very confused and upset.

OP posts:
ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 27/06/2016 12:25

If you go alone to your parents do not apologise for him. Let them draw their own conclusions, you don't have to explain unless you want to. If you can find the courage to let them know what has been happening would they be able to offer sympathy/a helping hand/advice?

BipBippadotta · 27/06/2016 12:25

This sounds incredibly hard, I'm sorry.

You mention that you tell him how you feel and don't get a response (i.e. about the card, etc). Do you ask him about what he is thinking / how he's feeling? In a way that suggests you genuinely want to understand? I think people often have very different ideas of how much & what type of 'discipline' is required in childrearing, so it's really important to try to understand where he is coming from as well.

Unfortunately I think the fact it's your birthday is complicating things massively.

I think if I were having a major unresolved argument with my DH, to the point that I'd slept in the spare room, and I got over my upset sufficiently to give him a birthday card nonetheless, and that wasn't enough for him because I didn't use his nickname / didn't take him out to lunch, I'd be pretty frustrated, and might feel that I was being put in the position of 'the bad guy', and the birthday thing was being used as cover not to have to take my feelings about our argument seriously.

By the same token, it's absolutely awful to feel like this on your birthday. I feel for you both.

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 12:30

Tbh I wouldn't want him to come along to my parents house if he's carrying on like this.
Can't you tell them he's ill or something?
Happy Birthday Cake

Buddahbelly · 27/06/2016 12:36

Happy Birthday OP (It's my ds's birthday today too).

I would absolutely hate the Pa behaviour at any time but especially on my birthday. Try not to feel too crappy about it, I would do something with dd, even take her for a walk around the park or something that's not too mentally taxing, Buy a bit of lunch from tesco and if you can ave a little picnic in the park, even if she naps, just something to get yourself out of the house thinking about it.

Then go to your parents house, Don't even excuse him just say he is still out and has been out all day delivering something. You dont need to say anything further.

LagunaBubbles · 27/06/2016 12:39

Happy Birthday!

Does he sulk if he doesnt get his own way?

McButtonwillow · 27/06/2016 12:45

That's really horrible! I would be extremely hurt and angry.

I agree with buddha don't wait for him, take control of your own day. Go out even just for a walk and take dd to your parents alone.

He sounds really unpleasant and I wouldn't forgive this behaviour.

Happy birthday Flowers

mogloveseggs · 27/06/2016 13:10
Flowers Another one here who says get yourself out for a bit. Why not let your dd choose you a cake from somewhere and go eat it somewhere nice/go to a cafe if it's bad weather. Not too taxing but makes your birthday special for both you and your dd.
HomeThoughtsFromABroad · 27/06/2016 13:13

Happy Birthday OP! Please find some way of not letting him drag you down by this today.

Does seem like he's punishing you for your concerns and stress about the parenting issue.

Understand how you feel as I had this too and it's so frustrating if the children know there are never consequences, or that other parent wont back you up. Maddening, as they get older you get to live with the results, in DCs behaviour, of all that enabling by the other parent and feel more resentful and ineffective as time goes on. It's easier to parent alone than live like this ime

So, unless your parenting style is abusive in some way, rather than teaching accountability, YADNBU

Original poster
BigMuffinTop · 27/06/2016 13:27

I've packed a picnic and gone to park with DD. I'm shaking. I'm so worried what he's going to think. I think he will probably turn it onto me as a hostile gesture.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/06/2016 13:32

Happy birthday to you. Sorry he's being a prat here.

Why don't you go out with DD later on. I would be peeved if I was you.

embo1 · 27/06/2016 13:38

Happy Birthday! He knows how he has potentially ruined your day - don't let him! Go out, meet a friend, take lo out to cinema etc. When he's back, ask him how his errand was... Don't show he has got to you, but better still, don't let him get to you. Hope you have a good day. Better to bring up parenting another time when you are both calm and can discuss amicably

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 27/06/2016 13:57

with the greatest of respect, you are shaking because you are worried about what he will say about you taking DD out for a picnic? then seriously lovely, you are not in a healthy relationship and you need to do some serious thinking about your future.

DementedUnicorn · 27/06/2016 14:34

I feel for you so much right now. My ass of a mother signed my wedding card with her first name. If I didn't recognise her handwriting I wouldn't of known it from great aunt twice removed that shares her name. It was very hurtful at the time. I couldn't live with someone so PA

CakeWine and happy birthday though. I hope you have a lovely picnic.

Lauren1204 · 27/06/2016 18:27

Hope you are ok. Try and enjoy some of your birthday. I think you need to think about if this relationship is working?

OhWotIsItThisTime · 27/06/2016 18:38

Is there someone you can talk to in real life?

Happy birthday, by the way. Hope you had a lovely picnic.

JohnBarrowmaniac · 27/06/2016 18:48

Why are you texting him when he is the other room?

JohnBarrowmaniac · 27/06/2016 18:49

Just read your other post and feel worried for you- if you are shaking, this really isn't good.

EllieHandMeDownBaby · 27/06/2016 19:01

Hoping you had a lovely picnic with your DD and are now enjoying dinner with your parents.
Do drop back in and let us know how you are, OP!
Happy Birthday Cake Flowers

hawaiibaby · 27/06/2016 20:03

Hope you are OK op. He sounds awful. Let us know what happens Flowers

Original poster
BigMuffinTop · 28/06/2016 07:32

I received a one word text from him while I was at the park which said, "counselling?".

It was just a cup of tea at my parents. When we got home he asked me, "Are you making dinner or should I". I'd been doing my best til then to ignore everything but had a bit of an explosion before going out to buy myself a pizza. Came back and explained why I was so upset. I just don't think he gets it. No present. No words. Not a shred of kindness. But he did cut up the pizza for me and it's all calm now at least.

He said he'd googled passive aggressive whilst I was out getting pizza and understood why I called him that.

Guess I will start looking for a counsellor. But quite frankly I'd rather spend the time booking a holiday for me and DD. I just want to get away for a bit and sort my head out. But no chance of that as guess who controls the purse strings.

Thanks to you all for being there and listening

Xxx

OP posts:
gamerchick · 28/06/2016 07:59

So he hijacked, made sure your birthday was about him and his moods so you couldn't fully enjoy it... Mentioned counselling via text, perked up when he witnessed the satisfying meltdown he had got to you before perking up and you're the one who has to search for a counceller? Really, why is it you that has to do it?

Original poster
BigMuffinTop · 28/06/2016 08:09

I think it's simply because he feels the problem is me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 28/06/2016 08:16

Do you agree?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 28/06/2016 08:19

Are you sure he meant counselling for you rather than marriage counselling for both of you?

Obv one word texts Hmm are easy to misconstrue but I don't see why you should let him dump all the blame for the current issues on your shoulders, esp after his behaviour yesterday.

Sparkletastic · 28/06/2016 08:20

I wouldn't bother with counselling.