AIBU in not wanting anything to do with my SIL?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

I will state for the record I am not a fan of my SIL, but I have always wanted her to have a relationship with my children.....until recently!

She has always been a very "jealous" person which was amusing when we were in our 20's but not when you reach your late 40's. This jealously makes her suspicious of everything that is said to her, she takes everything personally and has absolutely no sense of humour. This makes for some interesting time's between her and my DH, who as her brother, seems to deliberately "bait" her with his sarcastic sense of humour. I think a lot of the time it's because she doesn't understand his humour so this makes her feel stupid so she retaliates by having yet another strop.

We had another strop today but this time she went too far and began shouting at my 6 year old son and calling him a liar , so my husband told her to stop and basically didn't stop her leaving escorted her out of our home.

She had her strop in front of my DH, my DS6, DS4, her Mom, her own DS9 and DS12, while I was upstairs getting changed, as I had just come home from work. I ended up shouting down the stairs, while hopping around trying to take my trousers off, for them to stop it as I did not want them arguing in front of the children, only to hear the door slam and she was gone!

When I came downstairs to find out what had happened my DH was furious, apparently his DN12 had thrown my DS6 shoes into the bushes outside and DH, jokingly, had took him to task. Everyone was giggling because he was being funny when , apparently, my SIL just blew up accusing my DS6 (much to his shock) of lying and saying my DS6 was always saying nasty things about DN12! Flabbergasted my DH gave as good as he got and that's why she left, taking her kids with her.

She has done this before and the last time it happened she didn't speak to DH (or us) for 6 months it was bliss.

DH has just said "fuck her" but that doesn't make for good future relations but I am inclined to agree with him as I am not sure I want my kids to have to deal with her if she is always like this. I can't remember a time when spending time with their Aunt hasn't ended with her having a strop.

So AIBU in not wanting anything to do with my SIL?

So your MIIL accepts daily help from your SIL and then slags her off behind her back ?

You on the other hand never help(and often drive by the house without stopping) and your husband deliberately provokes your SIL when you do see them.

I think this is definitely a story of two sides.

This makes for some interesting time's between her and my DH, who as her brother, seems to deliberately "bait" her with his sarcastic sense of humour. I think a lot of the time it's because she doesn't understand his humour so this makes her feel stupid so she retaliates by having yet another strop.

When I came downstairs to find out what had happened my DH was furious, apparently his DN12 had thrown my DS6 shoes into the bushes outside and DH, jokingly, had took him to task. Everyone was giggling because he was being funny*

So for a prolonged period your husband has baited your sister. Now he's starting on her children and the rest of the family is joining in? And when people pointed out to you this wasn't on suddenly you found a load of other examples of when your SIL has been unreasonable? No. Not buying it. If I were your SIL I would have gone NC with you a long time ago. It's nasty, mocking behaviour.

Assuming you're telling the truth about things OP, I think you personally need to avoid your SIL too. How come he only has to see her 2-3 times a year, but you have to see her all the time? Why are you taking on all this stress?

I know you want your children to have a relationship, but tbh if she's as explosive and irrational as you say, I wouldn't try to foster contact - hard as it may be, why are you making your life difficult by having so much to do with her?

See MIL. Only see SIL at family occasions, otherwise avoid. Your DH needs to get to grips with breaking the entrenched dynamics and just not biting back, on the very few occasions he has to see her. Anything he does or says will not change her, or MIL or anyone else - it will just make the situation worse.

Why did you put normal in quote marks TheRealAdaLovelace? What point are you trying to make?

it was in reply to OP's post where she had used the word. I meant , who is to say what is 'normal' or not? Why are you bothered anyway?

Right I have had enough, I am struggling with this situation and trying to do the best for my kids. I came on here to see how I could make a difference as I am completely out of idea's but the vitriol on here has been astonishing.

So thanks for all your support I am going to go back to my daily hurtful SIL, my bewildered MIL and my DH who should know better but doesn't and try and deal with these daily levels of anxiety on my own.

Thank you Pandarific I think I may have to do what you suggest for my own and my kids protection. Thank you so much for being so kind to me. P.S. he knows he struggles to be sensible around her (my OP is why) which is why he only he sees her now and then.

Momoftwoscallywags

My MIL recognises my SIL's behaviour is not normal (we have discussed it at length on countless occasions) but she will just not rock the boat because my SIL stops her from seeing her kids when my MIL does or says something my SIL doesn't like.

Was your SiL the scapegoat? Because this doesn't put your MiL in a good light.

" he knows he struggles to be sensible around her "

right. so perhaps your DH should change his goading behaviour towards a sister who is obviously not well.

OP. Post on relationships, they're good over there.

Your SIL does sound unwell, maybe suggest to DH when you talk? Good luck.

See her and be civil at family events, otherwise don't feel any need to see her. You've tried for twenty years. Your children won't be upset if their cousins are not kind people either.

Not unreasonable at all in my book.
My brother and I delight in pressing each other's buttons, winding each other up, taking the Michael, whatever you want to call it. But we would never, ever involve the kids in our squabbles. And if any of our children (7 between us) stepped out of line, I would have as much authority to call his kids out as he would mine. That is 100%.

I'm sorry you've had so little support when you came on here for advice. Family relationships are complicated, it's impossible to give the full picture in a few paras and people are pretty quick to judge!! I don't think you should be trying to change your DH and sils relationship, that's their history. Your kids aren't far off the age where they'll recognise how childish the adults are being. In the meantime whenever things get heated can you make an excuse to go out (pop to shops for something), and ask your kids if they want to come along. A family which is used to baiting each other can be pretty upsetting to the person being picked on, especially if they're sensitive, and I would not want my kids to learn that sort of behaviour by being exposed to it.

Gut feeling .. Seems like it's a wider problem that just yr SIL. Your DH I feel presents unreasonable/ controversial behaviour and tries to hide it under the umbrella named I was only joking. Have they always had this sort of relationship? Have you had an honest chat with PIL? Kids are kids if you can't except each other's DC as a family that is sad for all concerned . Your DH needs to take his jester hat off to give a clearer idea of who is doing what and why. Not a great deal of love and trust being thrown around it seems ??? Take a step back OP I think maybe you have fallen fowl of an existing problem maybe?????

McSmith
My brother and I delight in pressing each other's buttons, winding each other up, taking the Michael, whatever you want to call it.

Confusednotcom
A family which is used to baiting each other can be pretty upsetting to the person being picked on, especially if they're sensitive

It is the OP's DH that is doing the button pressing, he is winding someone up until they scream and shout, it is not a two way street and that is from what the OP describes.
I am not excusing the sisters behaviour, but the OP's DH should stop winding his sister up.

Had similar situation. SIL was a stuck up cow and thought she was better than everyone. She was spoilt as a child by parents and 3 older brothers. It got ridiculous when she still behaved as a spoilt brat in her twenties and put on the "I am better than you" attitude. All 3 brothers baited her and everything came to a head when she told my DS1 aged 10yo, that he baby DS was going to have everything he ever wanted and it was a great shame DS1 DS2 and DS3 will never have these things because I was never going to make anything of myself and would always be on a low wage. They have never seen her since (11 years) and they don't want to. It's heaven x

Bones it seems like sil kicks off about the slightest thing without any provocation. Not excusing Dhs behaviour but it sounds as though sil has no consideration for the impact her tantrums have on anyone. DH should be more direct about calling her on her behaviour instead of goading her but he's probably just fed up with it. I would def stay clear and leave ASAP if ever you find yourself somewhere together. If she brings it up just politely say you don't like the way she treats Mil and prefer not to be around her. The kids can develop a relationship when they're older, they are better off without all the shouting and if that means not seeing DNs so be it.

Oh please! Personally, I see nothing wrong with your DH or DCs! I wonder about the SIL though - she sounds like a piece of work. Why can't she ignore the windups or laugh at him? It would stop your DH short! Haha! She must really enjoy all the drama as she seems to throw herself into it with a lot of gusto. I don't understand why some commenters see your DH as a bully - obviously they have no idea what a bully is but they would if they ever met MY brothers!

This reminds me of two of my children. DD flies off the handle at any given thing, at any given time and, as a child, was really foul to much younger DS. DS, as he got older, learned to press her buttons whilst looking innocent. Most of the time, I didn't realise. As DS got older he developed a quick SOH, had loads of friends and was extremely popular with his other siblings. DD was not popular with her siblings because they didn't dare to get too close because of her dramas, neither did friends stay for long for the same reason. The whole thing is like a snowball which gets ever bigger. DS now keeps his distance because it is the only way he can keep the peace but then DD complains that DS never wants to see her. It's a nightmare which my DIL and SIL are learning to negotiate whilst I try to keep the peace! .

i think some posters on here are displaying the same penchant for exaggeration, hyperbole and amateur dramatics that your sil has!

He had to ask the question - was he supposed to just pretend it never happened?! He could have just asked the boys outright which one it was-but sil would have kicked off anyway and then you would have said he was 'harsh/accusing/confrontational'. He chose to handle it in a jokey manner that the kids were comfortable with.

it's sil with the issues. if she's possessive, controlling and volatile with everyone else and about everything then it's hardly surprising she looks for the drama when your dh is around. It takes two to tango-and she is JUST as bad as him for behaving like that.

why, when you say this I panic when I know when have to deal with her because I know that whatever I say could mean her blowing up in my face, it's exhausting having to think "will this upset her" before I can say it
do you then do this I have to deal with her on a regular basis for the sake of the kids and have to suck it up all the time!

why?!!!

you do realise that YOU are enabling her toxic behaviour? If she can't behave like a civilised adult with other adults and in front of children then WHY are you bothering with her? It's up to your dh to facilitate his kids relationship with her. he thinks she is best avoided yet you allow her regular contact with his kids and open-door, unannounced access to your home. You're not presenting a strong, united front with your dh in response to her antics, you're unedermining and minimising your dh's feelings in this. No wonder she thinks she's got carte blanche to throw her weight around everywhere.

you'd be better off going nc with her until she starts to behave. she's bullying and blackmailing her own mother and the only one NOT putting up with her is your dh.

why are you giving her this power?

Oh and my DH doesn't cross the line with anyone else just her

Right, so he singles his DSis out, he's quite able to behave well to everyone else in life, but gives her shit for his own entertainment.

Nice.

Confusednotcom

Neither persons behaviour should be excused, because neither is coming across as a particularly nice person.

The SiL could walk away, the OP's DH could stop winding her up.

I would like to say that we wouldn't accept this behaviour from children but I have seen it school far to often and backed by the parents.

It is a poor situation and it wont get better until all involved stop it.

Op are you an only child? I only ask because I am, and I've really struggled to 'get' the sibling dynamic (both with my own kids and with my ex and his sibs). No real advice, I just wanted to say I understand how hard watching these relationships can be from the outside, especially without a reference point of your own. x

Oh good lord, how the hell has the OP's DH been singled out for such vitriol by so many posters?

His reactions, while not ideal, are clearly that of someone who has had YEARS of dealing with a PITA of a sister who blows up at every single thing that doesn't go exactly the way she thinks it should. If the PE kit needs to be searched for, if the washing gets wet (FFS, in England the washing ALWAYS gets wet on the line). This is a woman who blows up at everything so her brother takes the piss out of her WHEN SHE DOES THIS.

He hasn't wound her up BEFORE hand, she gets all pissy all by herself.

OP, you are right, you need to limit your contact, or even go NC with your SIL. She sounds quite unstable, and it clearly is upsetting you.

It's not just been funny when u r d one been picked on its outright wrong.
Why don't u tell him to do d same to u and c how funny u'll find that. N also imagine having to listen to that for years with no one calling him out on it.
I personally believe the parents were very poor in handling the situation which made ur sil loathe her brother
It's not funny been laughed at & someone suggested the victim laughing at the joke, I did & it never stopped until I stopped taking my kids round to my parents & stopped attending family functions
Waited for my mum to ask why n just poured it all out. As a kid u grow up thinking its normal but when u have kids & been ridiculed in front of them means a lot. It took years to break out of it & it'll take a lot of work to forgive & forget hun it's not a days job
N I loathe my bil bcos I believe if he were as nice as he says he should have called his wife out on it ages ago n not aided her which is why I feel ur sil reacts negatively to u. I have always known my sister was & is d biggest problem
The biggest problem is when u r dishing out d joke if u r not looking for a negative reaction why don't u put urself in the victims shoes for once. It started with my cousin, then his friends n my sister n mum will chyme along. It doesn't even have to be jokes it could be one of them taking a dig at my weight after child birth as everyone else is a 6 or 8 in d family. People around e.g in laws, cousins, their partners, friends n so on get so use to it they join in to also have a laugh as its d usual.
Sometimes take a min n put urself in dat position. I am now always guarded even when they mean no harm. But who wants to b hurt, I was d 1st to have a child so it was easy to point fingers n now they all have kids. All their kids do wot they were pointing their fingers at mine for now. Trust me hun it drains u emotionally, physically & mentally without people realising how much it affects u. It was only a joke they say n easy to pick on u. It is dead wrong.
I totally blame parents been the last child out of three I was compared to them all the time. During the good, bad or ugly situations. N children pick up on it and reflect what the parents do in their own ways esp when u r d child always been told off by the parents. Esp when the 1st two came out perfect. I am always d one who remembers to spk to my mum every day, check up on her, clean up after her, cook for her, spends time with her as my children R d grandkids she sees most often yet the one she curses when she is upset, tells off like is still a child, yells at when she feels d need to.
I am nice and loving by nature and from a massive extended family. It takes a while to realise it is wrong, break out of it & put everyone in their place. But bcos I have learnt to b very defensive from a young age everyone thinks she's got thick skin she can take it. Ur mil reminds me of my mum.
Go round to hers, give her a a big hug n just tell her she can spk to u whenever she wants to n U'll always b dere to listen n give her time to build d trust she'll def spill it all out.
My mum has still got d same behaviour no matter d situation my siblings must be right as I am the one that never listened or the problem child. It's emotional abuse.
Love all ur children for who they are and don't compare them to one another or have selfish expectations from them. I am thankful I am very strong n have managed to dissolve my problem through acknowledging my own faults through prayer and finding the courage to out everyone in place.
My mum now knows I wouldn't take her nonsense n to b honest my siblings will easily put her in home when d need be where as I'm the only one who wouldn't allow It happen.

I mean go round to ur sil