AIBU in not wanting anything to do with my SIL?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

I will state for the record I am not a fan of my SIL, but I have always wanted her to have a relationship with my children.....until recently!

She has always been a very "jealous" person which was amusing when we were in our 20's but not when you reach your late 40's. This jealously makes her suspicious of everything that is said to her, she takes everything personally and has absolutely no sense of humour. This makes for some interesting time's between her and my DH, who as her brother, seems to deliberately "bait" her with his sarcastic sense of humour. I think a lot of the time it's because she doesn't understand his humour so this makes her feel stupid so she retaliates by having yet another strop.

We had another strop today but this time she went too far and began shouting at my 6 year old son and calling him a liar , so my husband told her to stop and basically didn't stop her leaving escorted her out of our home.

She had her strop in front of my DH, my DS6, DS4, her Mom, her own DS9 and DS12, while I was upstairs getting changed, as I had just come home from work. I ended up shouting down the stairs, while hopping around trying to take my trousers off, for them to stop it as I did not want them arguing in front of the children, only to hear the door slam and she was gone!

When I came downstairs to find out what had happened my DH was furious, apparently his DN12 had thrown my DS6 shoes into the bushes outside and DH, jokingly, had took him to task. Everyone was giggling because he was being funny when , apparently, my SIL just blew up accusing my DS6 (much to his shock) of lying and saying my DS6 was always saying nasty things about DN12! Flabbergasted my DH gave as good as he got and that's why she left, taking her kids with her.

She has done this before and the last time it happened she didn't speak to DH (or us) for 6 months it was bliss.

DH has just said "fuck her" but that doesn't make for good future relations but I am inclined to agree with him as I am not sure I want my kids to have to deal with her if she is always like this. I can't remember a time when spending time with their Aunt hasn't ended with her having a strop.

So AIBU in not wanting anything to do with my SIL?

Some people just can't be together without winding each other up. I have a sister who only has to look at me to make me angry. There is so much history and she has been so abusive to me over so many years that it doesn't matter what she does now, I just can't be in the same room as her. So I'm not.
When we are apart i don't think about her at all and she seems less awful, but as soon as I see her it all comes flooding back and I feel like I'm in the middle of a fight even before she sneers at me (which she always does, without fail). It just isn't good for either of us to be together. It means that I am left out of family occasions because my parents take her side, but I can live with that.

Your dp aounds like an immature dick.
Bit likeny brother.
We avoid him whenever possible.

Yeah my DH is a bit of a knob when it comes to his sister. I just don't get it, and if I can't understand the dynamic I am probably not the best person to try and resolve the problem so I will just leave it to them both in future.

They are childish at times with no thought or concern for the kids. For the record my DH always apologises to the kids, ours face to face and his DN's this time by text, as he has already been told he can't see them. Whereas my SIL has never apologised for her behaviour to my kids, EVER!

Unfortunately my SIL does not see me as someone who is important in her life. She has never been to any of my kids birthday party's, even though they are always invited. She has also, on a couple of occasions, just invited my husband and my kids to her events (not enough tickets left for me apparently). So maybe I have some issues with her as well and that's the reason why I won't interfer!

Thank you for putting things into perspective for me I think I will just leave them to it instead of worrying about trying to sort it out.

He always apologises? But then he does it again? So he isn't really sorry is he.

I think cutting your sil off when your dh is at least half the problem is shit.

"Oh and my DH doesn't cross the line with anyone else just her! "

Perhaps he should stop then!

As for not getting his humour-perhaps she just doesn't find him funny!

Perhaps SIL thinks that you aren't bothered about her if you just "leave them to it"

Ie your husband is bullying her!

Yeah she probably does think I am not bothered about her as I do limit my interaction with her because I am afraid of her.

I panic when I know when have to deal with her because I know that whatever I say could mean her blowing up in my face, it's exhausting having to think "will this upset her" before I can say it.

I know I am a coward as I have been known to drive straight past my MIL's house when I see my SIL's car there, rather than pop in for cuppa! I plan my visits to my MIL when I know she can't be there and my stomach just drops to the floor when I hear her come in the front door when I am already at my MIL's, and I just pray she is in a "good" mood.

Aaaarrgggghh what do I do? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life scared of my SIL?

what do you mean by 'blowing up in your face' exactly?

Aaaarrgggghh what do I do? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life scared of my SIL?

Easy. Two steps:
1.Make it absolutely clear to your DH that he is an intolerable bully towards his sister and that you will not stand by him any more while he does it but will call him out on it every single time.

1. Arrange to see your SIL alone. Explain what you have said to your DH (above) and apologise to her for not having done this year's ago.

I had a similar reason to cut contact with BIL and SIL when she screamed at DD in annoyance at Dh.

We had 5 years if no contact. I keep her at arms length now!

Well it depends what mood she is in. You sit there all uptight watching your p's & q's and she could be laughing and joking and you are thinking "oh she is okay today" and then, say, it starts raining and she will completely flip because she has washing out!

She will slam her cup down and her DM will say something placating like "oh just bring the washing down here and I will re- do it for you". At which she will scream like a Banshee and storm out, to sort out the washing, leaving me and my MIL looking at each other in bewilderment. Then my MIL will say something like "she doesn't mean to behave like that, she is a bit stressed at the moment"

or

I am at my MIL's and we are having a relaxing giggle and my SIL will turn up and start shouting at my MIL about where her son's sport kit is, as it needs washing (her kids go to their Grandmother's after school). My MIL is like "what bag is it in" and my SIL will start stomping around the place looking for it and my MIL gets more mithered. Doesn't matter if the kit is found or not SIL will then strop off saying she will text her later.

So many other scenarios, all as exhausting as the above, and on other occasions you can substitute her kids for her MIL. I sit there wavering between helping and trying to calm her down but no matter what I say the world is a hateful place, I don't understand her and she is the only one who does anything!

Your are on tenderhooks all the time but it is this sort of behaviour that my DH will not put up with so when he is there is just escalates to an outright war.

It sounds like your SiL has issues, but they won't be helped by him winding her up.

So SIL sounds like she has issues and is very emotional/highly strung and your DH has played on this and winds her up, causing a reaction. It sounds like he hasn't managed to grow out of the childhood relationship he had with herald still deliberately winds her up. Charming. I think you need serious words with him. It would be horrendous if he started this shit with the DCs.

She sounds like my sister - explosive rage all the time about everything. Everything is someone else's fault?

I used to bait and mock my sister a lot - because that kind of behaviour is pathetic, should not be tolerated and it just made me so angry watching her get away with being so awful. I am aware this doesn't cover me in glory, but can you imagine living with that, constantly? Always being told to tread on eggshells to avoid triggering a strop? It's extremely frustrating.

I haven't bitten back for years now. I just limit my contact, and when I am around her when she's having an episode/strop, I ignore/get drunk and ignore.

I and my sister had some serious entrenched patterns as I described above. It's much better for me now that I just ignore her. I think you need to discuss with your dh and see if they're just repeating old patterns.

Way forward could be limited contact at neutral/public places where she can't kick off - go out for dinner, to soft play etc. Avoid each other's houses as it tips the balance of power.

Can you see each other at MILs when needs be?

That's what we have been doing for nine moths pandarific. Neutral places. It is still hard work though because she just gets all moody and monosyllabic but that is better than the sudden anger which leaves you wary.

It was just yesterday brought it all back, I don't know if you can get PTSD (I know I am going over the top!) from these types of situations but I had sweaty palms, palpitations, and anxiety. Then it gets worse because my DH modifies his behaviour by immediately going on the defensive with her.

They are like circling wolves, bearing their teeth, just waiting for the first one to show a weakness.

DH knows all this, we talk about each time it happens, he says it's like watching a horror film, you know it is going to happen but you can't look away.

So I think for all our sakes they just stay away from each other, but easier said than done.

Momoftwoscallywags

Have you thought that she is on edge every time you get together? She is waiting for your DH to get the first dig in.

I think that you should stop pretending that your DH is the victim. I'm not saying that you should ignore your SiL's behaviour but your DH is certainly no angel in this.

I think your DH should change his behaviour tbh instead of playing the victim.

I agree with the 2 pp.

You all seem to be entrenched in roles as well.

Her waiting to be bullied, you waiting for it to happen...

She does seem to be very on edge all the time though if washing in the rain creates such a reaction.

But she does this all the time to everyone, not just when my DH is there.

Sorry, it has just dawned on my why you are all being so vitriol about my DH. The incident that prompted my original post was the first time he has seen her since March! They usually just communicate by text.

All the other scenarios above are just when it is me, my MIL and SIL, sometimes the kids are there, sometimes not.

Oh God no wonder you think he is a bully, I just think he is a knob because he can't just suck it up for the two or tree times a year he sees her, when I have to deal with her on a regular basis for the sake of the kids and have to suck it up all the time!

Bloody heck I am useless at this aren't I. Talk about getting my DH into trouble without realising it no wonder I struggle to deal with my SIL.

What does MIL have to say about her? Does she recognise in any way that her behaviour is not normal?

So your SIL is a bit of of a PITA --fa ir enough . As you say he can manage to behave like a normal human being with everyone else- just not his sister. She may be unstable, pain in ass whatever but HE is just plain nasty however on what planet does that give your husband the right to deliberately provoke her (and drag the kids in on it too).

She's a PITA but he's nasty, bullying and cruel and you need to wake up and smell the coffee before your kids start learning that kind of manipulative behaviour from him.

I could easily be your sil, my brother dresses a lot of abuse up as a joke, and sarcasm. When he's pulled up on it apparently I can't take a joke. He's a bully. If he ever bullied my child I would leave his house too. Because he is a bully, I'm very conscious that he will never bully my child. It means I rearly see them and means that when we do I am very guarded and on edge.

As for your mil, my SIL withdraws my MIL's access to her children (it was three weeks last time) when my MIL does something she doesn't like. This means that my MIL enables my SIL's behaviour as she is scared that she will never see her grandkids again

Another perspective is your mil sits back and watches her son bully his sister, says nothing and offers no support. I have been know to think fuck it, if you can't sick up for me why the fuck should I make the effort to visit, and the children and I are a package at the moment

Pandarific sorry no help from that front either I'm afraid.

My MIL recognises my SIL's behaviour is not normal (we have discussed it at length on countless occasions) but she will just not rock the boat because my SIL stops her from seeing her kids when my MIL does or says something my SIL doesn't like.

but does your MIL think that her son's behaviour is "normal"?

Your MiL sat and laughed at one of her grandchildren, its fairly easy to see why your SiL would remove contact.

I also wonder if when you have helped out. Your MiL has sung your praises but expects your SiL to do what she does. That would be pretty galling for her.