To feel sad, and a bit hopeless

[yummysummerpudding]

I normally do use another name on here, but, I can't really explain it, just want to be incognito tonight.

I'm 35.

In all probability I've left it too late to have a child.

I know many of you will have had children after this age, but realistically I am single - meeting someone (and believe me I am as far from attractive as it's possible to be!) and having a child in the timeframe of five years just doesn't seem realistic.

I've thought about anonymous sperm donation but just don't think it's for me.

So - there it is. It's probably not an AIBU but ... :)

One of my good friends decided at 36 that she wanted to get married and have children.

She decided to treat it as she would applying for a job - took up new hobbies, gave herself a confidence-boosting makeover (literally a haircut and teeth polish) and joined an online dating agency.

She was married - to a really hot guy actually - with two kids by the time she was 40.

I'm not saying there's a magic solution to this or anything but it's not an impossible task :)

If you want kids and don't want to take the risk that you won't meet Mr Right there's nothing wrong with sperm donation. Just do what is best for you.

Have you considered going to fertility tests to see how urgent the situation really is?

There isn't anything wrong with sperm donation AT ALL - but it's not for me :) I'm trying to move to a point of acceptance - I'm not snapping at all, I promise.

It kind of is an impossible task you haven't seen me!

Well I met my husband at 35, we were married at 40 and I had my daughter at 41 ( conceived very easily). You never know who you're going to meet around the next corner. If you think about every relationship you've been in there was a time when you didn't know them and then a split second later they were in your life. This can happen at anytime. If the baby is the more important thing ( rather than the relationship) then have the child! I have a friend who had a child via a sperm donor and another who adopted a child ( and is adopting another) aged 50. There are stacks of children in the care system who would love a forever home. ( PS it's ok to be sad - no-ones happy all the time)

This is making me feel so ignored

Sorry mine was a cross post. You don't have to do anything - it's fine to be sad. But actually what people have done is offer you some hope. Hope that you can meet someone, hope that you can conceive naturally. Other than that I'm not sure what anyone can say that can help.

It feels as if people just keep telling me to use a sperm donor, despite my repeatedly explaining I really don't want to do that.

yummy I don't think people are ignoring you, I do think they are offering solutions. I think it's makes me a little sad that you think you wont/can't meet someone to have a relationship and child with. It sounds like a little counselling might help, we all have low self esteem/confidence at times, but we all deserve happiness too

Thanks. I have had counselling, but am still unattractive and realistically recognise this puts most men off.

Some men see deeper than skin deep, there are some good ones, just be you, put a smile on and you will be beautiful!
Everyone has something unique to offer, and you are no different xx

OP, I get that you feel unattractive.
If you are up for the MN Jury, post a picture and people will comment.

I am fairly plain looking, not glam at all, no special features really. But some people apparently think I look nice. Mostly I really don't.

However, while I think that being conventionally attractive gets attention and opportunity, forming good lasting relationships is unrelated to looks.

Please be hopeful and see what comes along.

To be honest, I think most people are fairly ordinary looking. I doubt that your looks are the reason you're single. More likely just bad luck that you haven't met a partner

I wonder if feeling sad / lonely has affected your self esteem, so you now feel unattractive. Excercise might lift your mood

I'm frustrated on your behalf by all the posts encouraging you to consider sperm donation etc, when you've made it clear you don't want to go down that road.

I think it's reasonable to mourn what you hoped for, but it hasn't happened. However, try not to give up hope. Even if you don't end up having children of your own, you could still be a wonderful stepmother, or granny if you met a partner who already had children

I don't think people were trying to ignore you. But trying to help you think again. From your op I don't think it was clear your strength of feeling about spermicide donation and I appreciate you not wanting to upset those who have so not sharing your strength of feeling.

When you say you are unattractive I don't know if you mean looks or personality or home circumstances or all 3. Home circumstances can be changed. Children can be reared in a 1 bed flat (look at apartment therapy online for ideas) if it is tidy and minimalist enough. Personality wise the fact that you have avoided offending those who have done sperm donation despite clearly having very strong views is a good start. Looks wise I don't know. Few of us are truly hideous to perceive. Few of us are truly beautiful. Most muddle along somewhere between the two and hope or other qualities draws someone in.

You seem to have discounted all possibility of getting what you want at a very young age. And I think that's why people might not be listening. Yanbu to be sad. But acceptance won't come from us. It has to come from you.

Many of us on here have been in similar situations to you (not exactly the same) and made different choices. Because acceptance of childlessness was not their choice. They felt the child more important than acceptance of being alone. You don't feel that. But perhaps aibu on mumsnet is not where to go for that. Maybe childless by choice websites may show you some of the positive aspects of not having children. It is hard to move to acceptance when all you see is what you are missing out on. But of you can see what you might gain (more money more freedom Saturday am in-ins) then perhaps you can move to an acceptance point more easily. I'm not certain an aibu board on a parenting site will help you move there though. We are more likely to focus on ways to help you get the child. As that is what we would do/did. Sorry

I certainly know what it feels like to feel shitty about yourself. I've put on a few stone over the years and have certainly lost lots of my va via voom. I was less interested in dressing and clothes and tended towards baggy stuff to try and hide myself away. Now I am in the process of losing some of that ( 11lbs down so far) I notice that I feel more confident, I'm more likely to present a sunny face to the world and I think that in itself is more compelling. Sure, I'm still heavier than a lot of people but comparison is the thief of joy as some bright spark once said. I have other things going for me that people find appealing ( I'm funny for example). So what are the things about you that people are drawn to? What are your good qualities? These are the things you need to put out there rather than focusing on the things that you feel are inferior. Finally, what can you do to give yourself a spring in your step? The things that work for me are exercise, getting a great haircut and red lipstick. Find your things and do them!

I have lots of good qualities (obviously not trying to sound conceited there!) but realistically, I do feel most men are put off by someone unattractive. At any rate, that's been my experience to date and I think I'd probably be setting myself up for failure if I convinced myself otherwise - I can't tell you the number of times I've hopefully put my profile online, hoping men would see the lovely person underneath in my warm, happy and sunny words but sadly it was not to be!

So I can get by but the children thing is like an itch that just won't go away, and I really won't contemplate raising a child without another parent.