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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad, and a bit hopeless

89 replies

yummysummerpudding · 23/06/2016 20:59

I normally do use another name on here, but, I can't really explain it, just want to be incognito tonight.

I'm 35.

In all probability I've left it too late to have a child.

I know many of you will have had children after this age, but realistically I am single - meeting someone (and believe me I am as far from attractive as it's possible to be!) and having a child in the timeframe of five years just doesn't seem realistic.

I've thought about anonymous sperm donation but just don't think it's for me.

So - there it is. It's probably not an AIBU but ... :)

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 24/06/2016 03:26

Beetroot do we know the OP wants to 'do it her way'? Being a single parent isn't easy. I would rather be a single parent rather than not a parent at all, but as a parent with two quite demanding kids I think being in a relationship is easier, IF it is the right relationship and IF that is what the OP wants. What does 'pandering to get a man' mean? If the Op is not interested in getting a man she definitely does not need to do so to have a baby, but if she actually wants a man she may find confidence will help her. I don't think this is pandering!

Definitely do not turn yourself into a doll OK!

OK Lovelyholiday questions.... do you have any religious views, does he? Will he pay towards the child? What will you do if he does not pay?

Good luck.

beetroot2 · 24/06/2016 03:33

No its not easy in one respect but very easy in another. Im an advocate of being a parent and being a stable mother is the essence of having another balanced wonderful human being. Lets face it, I don't know two parents that are together anymore and co--parent without damaging the child.

Nanunanu · 24/06/2016 07:11

Imperial it is really not.

If you want to use the pub analogy it is more like the landlord of the pub had only allowed in men who want to help women and couples have a child. Then screened them all for physical and psychiatric history. Then done blood tests. Then made them all stand in different groupings according to cmv and blood group status. Then within that stand in their group according to ethnicity lines. So you can pick the one that's right for you. And the landlord is very strict and allows each bloke to only have 10 successful dates before cutting him off from the pub.

Oh and there's another pub down the road full of Danish blokes too if you fancy it.

Oh and before you are allowed in the pub you have to prove your own physical and mental health. And jump through various hoops. And the entrance fee to this pub is surprisingly high. And you have to have counselling before you go through the door.

So perhaps you can see it is very different.

Lovelyholiday · 24/06/2016 20:20

Italian, I'm spiritual, he's atheist, he wants to pay for a private education and towards day to day costs, (he has more money than me and was private educated, wants the same for child)
If he doesn't pay, so be it, I can manage one way or another, at least I'll have my dream 😀

Italiangreyhound · 25/06/2016 00:06

Beetroot re " Lets face it, I don't know two parents that are together anymore and co--parent without damaging the child."

That is so sad. I know loads of people who are bringing up children together without damaging them!

Nanunanu that is brilliant! But to be very clear those 'controls' you mention only occur if you go through a recognised clinic to find your donor. If you find someone who wants to co-parent with you (via a website) or any other way, these controls may well not be there.

We had treatment with donor eggs. We had to have counselling, our donor was screened for all kinds of things, including CMV status, which I had never even heard of before. We bought each of our donors a gift. I have never put so much thought into any gifts in my life!

Lovelyholiday what kind of 'spiritual'?

What's the legal status of someone who co-parents in this way?

Nanunanu · 25/06/2016 10:38

Italian very good point. Which is what you pay for in clinics vs websites

MadameJosephine · 25/06/2016 10:48

Further to PP, I was married to my kids father, and I wish that I had had a sperm donor rather than him

^Totally agree with this^

I was a single parent for many years before meeting my DD's dad (when I was 35, had her at 41) now we have separated too and when I said to my DS who is now 19 ' I can't believe I'm a single parent again' he said he wouldn't have had it any other way :)

Wishfulmakeupping · 25/06/2016 10:53

imperial you are so so wrong.
Op I know a very successful woman who used sperm donation to have a child- she is literally one of the happiest mums I've ever seen :) her little boy is a joy for her and they are both so happy.
Please give it some serious thought

Original poster

yummysummerpudding · 28/06/2016 18:49

Sorry for late reply, but it's difficult to know what to say sometimes. There's absolutely no way I can or should contemplate having a baby alone, so i do feel sad I won't get to experience being a mum.

OP posts:

2nds · 28/06/2016 19:04

Realistically you have 5-7 years, perhaps a little longer but 15 years no that's being unrealistic.

But you do have quite a lot of time. Please don't listen to those who 'disagree' with artificial insemination, wtf do they actually know about it or about you. Me I'd go down the sperm donor route if I wanted children that badly and was single.

2nds · 28/06/2016 19:08

Oh and I agree with Beetroot, you don't need to change your looks etc to attract a man, I don't do make up, I never really did.

Original poster

yummysummerpudding · 28/06/2016 19:12

I'm not listening to them, but to me :) artificial insemination isn't something I agree with or can afford.

OP posts:

Alibobbob · 28/06/2016 19:20

You sound depressed apologies if I am wrong. You need to sort this first. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In a hundred years nobody will really care about how attractive their ancestors were.

You are the only person who has control over your future. If you want a child go for it. I am an older mum I wanted kids and I had the attitude that it would be left to nature. Sorry that sounds so flippant.

Please be gentle on yourself think about how you feel and if you need help - in whatever form get it.

Hug from me x

Original poster

yummysummerpudding · 28/06/2016 19:27

People aren't listening but never mind

OP posts:

reup · 28/06/2016 19:58

I did online dating at 36 - met my now dh got pregnant first time after 3 months together (we weren't expecting it to work so fast! But it was planned). Had another - slightly trickier (needed clomid) at 40. I was v overweight too. So It can happen - my dh was my first long term relationship too. But you have to do something proactive so at least you feel you are trying. I've had friends who met people on singles holidays and speed dating and from online meet ups of a newspaper talk forum. I did the evening class thing and group holiday thing - didn't meet a man but made friends and enjoyed myself too. Don't give up hope yet - but do something.

Original poster

yummysummerpudding · 28/06/2016 21:11

You do, yes.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/06/2016 21:19

My friend had her ds at 44., she'd met her partner at 40 and they thought they'd missed the chance to have a child but that wasn't the case.

You have plenty of time

Mattscap · 28/06/2016 21:47

I hear you OP, and understand every single word.

Original poster

yummysummerpudding · 28/06/2016 22:00

Thank you

I don't want to insult people who do have a baby via sperm donation, it just is not right for me, but I still feel extremely sad.

OP posts:

justmyview · 28/06/2016 22:00

I think it's good to try to stay hopeful, but also I acknowledge the pain and sadness you feel. I was in your shoes too. As it happens, my story had a happy ending, but it might not have been that way. I had many lonely moments x

Tinkfromlovejoy · 28/06/2016 22:09

I met my Dh at 26, at almost 35 we have had no children. I'm sub fertile, he's not keen to adopt, I don't want IVF.

If I were in your shoes and single I'd adopt. You have all of the options, without the restrictions of a partner who might not agree with your choices. You don't know what would have happened if you'd met mr right in your 20's. Nothing is set in stone. Don't waste time on regrets. Make your choices for your future and be happy. You can have whatever you want, maybe not in the typical way, but who lies on their death bed wishing they'd have been more normal?

Original poster

yummysummerpudding · 28/06/2016 22:14

The thing is, to adopt (or have a child alone at all for that matter) you need to have space and money. I have neither :)

OP posts:

Tinkfromlovejoy · 28/06/2016 22:20

Ah, in which case it might be pertinent to get a plan in place. If a child is really what you want then it's time to get your ducks in a row. Upper age limits on adoption far exceed upper age limits in natural pregnancy. If you fancy it and think you'd make a good mum then you have plenty of time to work towards it. Getting a plan together to achieve that end goal may also make these tough nights a bit easier too?

Original poster

yummysummerpudding · 28/06/2016 22:27

I appreciate your advice, but, put simply, I am not placed to raise a child alone and it wouldn't be right. My post was just sharing my sadness at not having a child. I didn't mean for it to turn into ways I can have a child without a partner!

OP posts:

Tinkfromlovejoy · 28/06/2016 22:32

Sorry, I misunderstood. I share your sadness, it's shite. Although, in the words of hot chocolate: I believe in miracles! Maybe there's hope for us yet you sexy thing

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