To be really upset about DP just springing this on me?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

So this morning DP wakes me up by telling me he's going away for a week, to stay with friends at the other side of the country.

Aibu to be really upset that he's just sprung this on me?

He's been struggling a lot at work recently (I posted on here about it) and has just had enough. He says he's feeling depressed and needs to get away for a bit, have a break and a change of scenery.

Aibu to be really upset that, rather than talk to me and tell me how he is feeling, he's just disappearing for a week? Don't know how to handle this.

Every relationship is different - what is normal for one is highly unusual in another. From your tone, this is unusual and unexpected, so I think there is cause for concern. It's certainly rude not to let you know, and I think it takes you for granted as well. But I think what would bother me most is that I would worry both whether he was really OK and really with the people he said, and whether he was going away to have a long, hard think about his entire future without any opportunity for me to be a part of that discussion.

I agree with PP: in the circumstances it's important to establish that he is safe. So it's a good idea to contact the friends as soon as possible.

we haven't been seeing a lot of each other lately as he has been working so much and is very stressed out

So he is working so much that he's stressed out - but he can suddenly take a week off out of the blue? That would ring alarm bells for me. But not as much as the fact that he only told you 30 minutes before he was leaving...

That would make me wonder why he wanted to leave so little time to discuss what was happening...

He's actually being extremely selfish if this is not the norm for you two. He must realise you'll now be worried all week.

My gut feeling is that there is more to this than you know about - sorry.

I don't know scallops, I would say those factors make a monumental difference.

Especially now the op updates to saytthat she thinks he only decided this morning - so in fact he told her when he knew himself...

It's looking more and more like irrational behaviour from the DP indicating something quite serious going on, but less and less as if whether the OP should be upset he sprang it on her is the main issue

Sorry OP - my previous post was a result of reading your first post then jumping in with my response

Can you contact any of the friends he may be with? I would try each and every one till I get a response.

So the OP is supposed to disregard her feelings and accept his behaviour because "men don't talk about their feelings", bruffin?

I appreciate that depression is a factor (although that is only a possibility at the moment) and that people act out of character and would not necessarily think about others. That does not mean that the OPs feelings do not matter and she should just get over herself. Men's feelings do not trump women's feelings. Her feelings are valid and understandable. His behaviour is unreasonable no matter what the root cause.

I don't think it's that weird if he is feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment with everything, to just spontaneously decide to get away for a bit. We all need that sometimes. It's often recommended on here that women just take themselves off for a day or two to a spa and leave the husband with the DC and to be responsible for everything for a few days.

Don't really see how this is different.

There is a child in the equation, though. The OP said:-

'He is normally a very responsible person, always has a job, never misses contact with his DS etc.'

I'd be extremely concerned about this disappearing off for a week with only 30 mins notice if I was the ex/mother of his DS, never mind the OP's very obvious, and very genuine, concerns. Especially if he's had MH issues in the past.

I dont think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt and upset because it is sad he hasnt discussed it with you but i think you would be unreasonable to get angry with him. If you dont have children so theres no childcare that needs arranging then really its up to him if he needs a bit of a break.

Am genuinely here at some of the responses towards the OP. so her partner gets up at 8:30, tells her he's off for a week to get away from everything (including her) and she is the one being accused of being needy/clingy/unreasonable.

Even if there was no genuine reason for concern e.g. Previous history of MH, it's a crap way to treat a partner to get up at 8:30 decide you need a break from them and be gone by 9.

If my DP did that to me he most likely wouldn't be my DP for much longer. Unless there is genuinely a reason for this there are no excuses for treating someone like this. This isn't an impromptu night out or a week away with mates with some notice. This is complete out of character behaviour following a period where the OP hasn't seen much of her DP recently because of apparent work stress.

OP, how long ago was it he had MH issues? How long have you been together?

Do you know for certain that he quit. His job this morning or might he have lost it previously? Could you ring them and ask? Tell them you're concerned about his mental health as he's left with no notice and has told you he's quit his job this morning.

You say that you haven't seen much of each other lately because he's been working. Are you sure of that?

TBH he could be having a breakdown, but I'd be far more inclined to think that there is more to this which the OP is not yet aware of.

OP I haven't read your other threads and I'm not sure how to search for them but other posters have mentioned your dp has mental health problems?
Does he have any medical help for this? Counselling etc
Has he been worse lately? If you are worried about his state of mind do you know the friend his staying with could up you call them ?

I would be worried too.

Hurt by the 30 mins notice, hurt about being lumped in with the "things to get away from" and the lack of talking about the issue, yes, but more worried.

I think getting in touch with his mum is a good idea.

And I hate to say it but the last couple of lines of WannaBe's post occurred to me too.

WannaBe the "from them" bit of "needs a break from them" also wasn't apparent until a long way into the thread. Initially it was an adult who has "been struggling a lot at work recently ... and has just had enough. He says he's feeling depressed and needs to get away for a bit, have a break and a change of scenery."

It sounded a bit self centred and inconsiderate not to discuss it in advance but not beyond the realms of sensible to take a break and a change of scenery to clear the head of work stress, especially given the reference to depression - he didn't disappear without telling her, and I do think it matters that he did not leave her "holding the baby" (literal or metaphorical) in terms of creating any actual practical problems for her.

Everyone's feelings matter and women's feeling and men's feels are self evidently of exaclt equal value all things being equal - but when one person has been struggling a lot and is feeling depressed then all things are not equal.

Generally the person having a crisis of whatever type gets temporary priority and a bit more lee way in a relationship.

Why are you upset at him for leaving you rather than just concerned about his mental want him to stay because you need him rather than because you think he needs you and would better off staying with you.

I think that is needy and selfish.

True contrary - presumably his son's mother is unaware and he may miss contact if it is weekly - that is relevant.

The relationship may be over, given the new "from me" part of what he needs a break from... That is IMO the part the OP is most justified in being really upset by.

If I were the OP I'd want to firstly be sure he is safe - if he is having a mental health crisis then perhaps he is in a dark place and cannot cope with any aspect of his life. Assuming he is safe and well with the friends then the OP needs to think through whether she wants to be with him long term, but really so much is unclear until it comes to light whether he is having a MH crisis or is just being selfish.

I'm really sorry to say this OP but even from the first post I was wondering if he was having some kind of breakdown. Now I've read his history I would be extremely worried. I'm saying this because I'm a sufferer of depression and when I was extremely depressed/stressed this is exactly the sort of thing I would have done, particularly on the spur of the moment with the job quitting. He may well be not thinking rationally and thinks you're better off without him.

I may well be jumping to conclusions and I hope I am but you can't take any chances with someone with a history of suicide attempts, no matter how long they may have appeared well. I would definitely be ringing his mum and contacting his friends to find out what's going on. I hope you get some answers soon. Xxx

Blimey ladies. I cope perfectly fine without my dh and actually suggest he goes away at times to give myself some peace, but if he announced he was bogging off without decent warning or explanation Id be very pissed off - dc or not. Stop being so harsh! The MH history and quitting his job makes it worrying. Deffinatly check in with the friends hes staying with to make sure thats where hes going, and maybe ask him for occasional texts just to let you know hes ok. When hes back Id probably bring up the lack of warning or discussion over it all.

He's back now, it turned out there was a problem with where he was going to stay so he came home. He's currently in bed and I think wants to be left alone, which is fine if that's what he wants.

We've been together about 3 yrs but he had MH issues for about 10yrs before that. He's tried councilling and AD's but didn't get on with either and therefore is not currently seeking and treatment.

It all seems very sudden, I knew he'd been stressed at work but he's been stressed at work before and always seemed to manage until he could find something else. It's only in the last 2 days that he's been talking seriously about leaving his job etc and then obviously it escalated today. I think he has just had enough and can't do it anymore, hence leaving the job.

Fwiw I think that having a break from work altogether would be a good thing for him. I was very supportive of him leaving his job as I knew he wasn't happy. He is a bit of a workaholic and suffers from anxiety so he tends to let people treat him like a proverbial doormat because he wants to make a good impression and do well at his job. Unfortunately the other side of that is that he works himself into the ground and puts his needs last in order to please everyone else.

I'm not going to mention the leaving at short notice/everything that happened this morning, not at the moment anyway, I'm just going to ask him what he wants/needs and proceed from there. Last thing I want is for him to feel attacked by me and close down.

So the OP is supposed to disregard her feelings and accept his behaviour because "men don't talk about their feelings", bruffin?
I did not say OP shouldnt feel hurt etc, but having been in the same situation a few times, it does help to know that it is the MH that is causing the behaviour. As I said this is the fight and flight taking over. OP he isnt running away from you, just trying to run away from the stress and most likely himself.

He does sound very much like my DH, a workaholic and stressed out by work (dh is a perfectionist as well).

Last thing I want is for him to feel attacked by me and close down
I agree, there is no point but do try to get him to see a gp and get more counselling and ADs, they are not an instant fix and take time to work, but it is worth it in the long run.
Unfortunately MN is not supportive at all of men with depression at all

It sounds like he, perhaps, didn't even let the friend know he was coming either.

I suspect he just wanted to run away. We all feel like that from time to time. And some times it does is good to do it.

I am glad he is back so you know he is safe and your plan sounds like a good one.