To be really upset about DP just springing this on me?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

So this morning DP wakes me up by telling me he's going away for a week, to stay with friends at the other side of the country.

Aibu to be really upset that he's just sprung this on me?

He's been struggling a lot at work recently (I posted on here about it) and has just had enough. He says he's feeling depressed and needs to get away for a bit, have a break and a change of scenery.

Aibu to be really upset that, rather than talk to me and tell me how he is feeling, he's just disappearing for a week? Don't know how to handle this.

Before me and dh had children he use to go away on Bike rides with friends a few times a year, but he always said once it was booked I won't be here on X date I'm going away with X,y,z.
Now and then it was planned last minute day or two before but even then my DH always said he never woke me up at 8:30 in the morning and said oh by the way I'm going away.

So yes I think it's odd that he failed to mention it/ write it on calendar. I'm also shocked at some posters that think not having children make it OK to just declare his going away is it not just good manners to in tell a partner in advance? Even if last minute he knew before this morning.

What planet am I on where some people consider it perfectly OK for a live-in DP to up and leave for a week with no notice at all just because no DC are involved? How is that showing your DP any kind of respect and how could that lack of communication be considered in any way normal in a healthy relationship? My DH's failure to tell me far less significant stuff than this was an accepted reason in my divorce petition against him for unreliable behaviour.

Even without the job quitting/MH aspect of this situation you are not being needy or unreasonable OP. Sorry you are going through this.

Good idea - send a message via FB to the friends with your number on it. Ask them to call you. And contact his parents. Its always difficult to know whether you're interfering or making an unnecessary fuss in cases like this, but if you fear, even vaguely, that he may be suicidal then its better to be safe than sorry. His behaviour is clearly out of character and he's had MH problems in the past. Act on your worries, don't sit on them.

I think you just need to give him some space. In your position I think I'd be upset too. But a few weeks ago I did exactly what your partner has done. I don't have a partner but I have a DS, I had a lot on at work and everything had gotten on top of me and I couldn't cope. I sent DS to his nannys for a few days, finished what I needed to at work and went to stay with a friend on the other side of the country. It was absolutely the best thing I could've done. Hopefully your partner will be back in a few days feeling much better, but I understand it's hard for you in the meantime

Scallops and other people stunned at the early responses are overlooking the fact that the OP had not mentioned that he'd quit his job in the first post; people asking about children should maybe have also asked about other joint day to day responsibilities (he might have left caring for his elderly mother to the op, or a menagerie of time consuming pets) but we're essentially gauging whether the DP had left the op up the Creek without a paddle, or whether it was inconsiderate but not actually going to have a major practical impact if hewent on a sspontaneous jaunt.

The subsequent posts about quitting work and MR problems totally changed the direction of the thread, so it is a bit unfair to be stunned at responses that were to the first post only.

So yes I think it's odd that he failed to mention it/ write it on calendar.

He may not have known himself.

OP do you know when he made the decision to go?

I think he might have had an idea about going last night but I don't think he decided until today as he was supposed to be at work today.

So he quit his job this morning and isn't working notice?

It still isn't reasonable to up and leave someone without discussion, Schwabischeweihnachtskanne. And it isn't unreasonable for the OP to be upset. Which is what she was asking.

Whether they had children, he quit his job, has potential mental health issues does not detract from the fact that he gave his long term partner no notice and frankly displayed no regard or care for her.

Blimey that's different again, if he actually only decided this morning. ..

Do his friends even know they'll be hosting a house guest for a week?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne, scallops basically says everything I want to.

Being left 'up the Creek without a paddle' in a purely practical sense is not the only good reason to be upset or annoyed about your partner pissing off for a week with half an hour's notice. I remain at anyone who thinks that's totally OK and unremarkable.

Maybe he just needs to get away from all his stressors so he can clear his head and think about what moves he's going to make for his future. He obviously has been under a lot of pressure and feels stuck in a rut. That could include thinking about whether his relationship with you has a future too.

Give him the space he needs for the week. If you get clingy, needy, try to contact the friends he's visiting..... that's going to put more pressure on him, irritate him and he'll likely decide not to come back.

You're two separate people, there's no childcare responsibilities involved so no, he's not unreasonable.

Contact the friends and contact his parents then if they assure you that he is where he said he was going to be and is indeed ok, leave him to it.

It's ok for you to be upset but if you think his behaviour is related to his MH issues then it's not really ok for you to be crying and saying you need him just now.

And if his behaviour is just based on him being an inconsiderate arse, I'd still suggest just leaving him to it because pandering will only increase his sense of entitlement.

I agree with scallops not good on either count.

OP - in this case I would either try to contact his mum or the friends on FB.

It's a lot for you to take in, the recurrent MH problems, the fact he's suddenly quit his job etc.

Try not to worry too much, hope you'll be ok. Do you have anyone to talk to where you live?

There's some major (seemingly unintentional) drip feeding going on here, hence some o ft he replies now look harsh or irrelevant. The situation as I understand it is partner you live with (no kids) with previous MH issues and history of suicide attempts / ideation has recently been depressed. He woke up this morning, declared that since last night he has been thinking he needs a break from everything including his partner for a week, so he quit his job and left 30 mins later leaving no contact details. Is that right?

If so, I would now be doing everything possible to ensure I knew he was safe. Once I knew that I would leave him alone, apart from to tell him I love him, trust him, and want him to find some peace and clarity from some time away. Then you wait. No dramas or tears or telling him you need him. Make sure he is safe first though and don't be afraid to contact whoever you need to however you need to to be sure of that.

I didn't say I needed him to him, it was just an internal thought.

Of course it's unintentional drip feeding kally.

I do wonder at some of you on MN - if you'd all had this sprung on you with half an hours notice you'd get all the info ready to post on MN, really and not forget anything?!

I wouldn't be upset for myself 'becase I need him' but I would be bloody concerned for his wellbeing.

I feel really bad that people are focusing so much on the 'needing' comment. I got what you meant.

This isn't normal behaviour and it's certainly not your fault for being 'needy'.

Some people just love to stick the boot in.

Sorry, I was obviously a bit clunky: I meant that some of the replies seem harsh in light of all the facts but I guess posters were going on what they read then and that the drip feeding appears unintentional, just a sultry of distress. My second para wasn't in reference to the OP's comment she needed him but cos she said she cried and was upset, which is totally understandable but it may be that to save the relationship she might need to sit on that until he can deal with it, if that makes sense? I've kind of been there, done that ...

Alternatively he might just be an asshole, but we have to assume not and that the behaviour is out of character entirely.

sultry? *sign

Whether they had children, he quit his job, has potential mental health issues does not detract from the fact that he gave his long term partner no notice and frankly displayed no regard or care for her.

Do you know anything about depression, especially in men? Of course depression causes people to act irrationally. It also causes the flee or fight response. He is obviously fleeing. Men with depression especially do not talk about their feelings.

OP

Have been there and all you can do is be there for him etc. Is he on antidepressants? If not see if you can get him to a gp

I agree with Hope. This isn't a spur of the moment decision. He has given you as little chance as possible to challenge the need for the trip.

That said, my partner has done things like this in the past. He gets down when weather crap and takes off to sunnier climes to stay with mates. Spain, Mexico. He has always given notice though and TBH, by the time he goes I am glad to see the back of his moods! Would love to have similar but simply don't have the time!

Do you know the friends well enough to contact them and tell them you are concerned about his well being? They may be able to throw more light on the situation...

Alternatively he might just be an asshole, but we have to assume not and that the behaviour is out of character entirely.

Indeed. I think this is really, really worrying.

If my DP who I live with and we have no commitments or children, and who has perfect MH said "oh, BTW i've taken next week off as leave and i'm going to stay with my mates" I would be a bit miffed I wasn't invited.

But add in MH issues, suicide attempts, recent work stress and he wakes up one day and says "i'm quitting work right now, and i'm getting away from everything, including you".... That is bad bad times, OP should be super worried for him :-(

I totally get that the drip feeding is unintentional.

The story started as man, having a stressful time, gets up and decides to visit friends for a week. Which I said is odd. But nothing to get too upset about.

The story is actually man with history of mental illness, who has attempted suicide (previously) gets up quits his job and leaves to get away from everything including his partner. Leaving his partner full responsible for the all the bills and refusing do to discuss it.

2 completely different situations that would both get a different response.

The reason I asked why she needed him was because it wasn't clear. Most people can be without their partner for a week.

To me it implies she thought he wasn't coming back, which I asked and got no response.

Personally if my dh needed a break and it was last minute it would be fine. Assuming I didn't have to massively change plans or have childcare issues.

If dh had the history the OPs DP has I would be worried for him. Not wether I needed him or not. Again we are all different.