To be really upset about DP just springing this on me?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

So this morning DP wakes me up by telling me he's going away for a week, to stay with friends at the other side of the country.

Aibu to be really upset that he's just sprung this on me?

He's been struggling a lot at work recently (I posted on here about it) and has just had enough. He says he's feeling depressed and needs to get away for a bit, have a break and a change of scenery.

Aibu to be really upset that, rather than talk to me and tell me how he is feeling, he's just disappearing for a week? Don't know how to handle this.

Just in general Bran.

I am concerned he might do something while he's away. He's had MH problems in the past, was depressed for a long time although has been fine the whole time I've known him so I've never personally seen it. He has previously attempted suicide so I guess I'm just worried.

He was really unhappy at work but every previous time he's managed to stick it out until something else has come along. He's never just quit before. He has got something else lined up so I'm not worried about that side of things I'm more concerned about his reluctance to talk to me. I know some people aren't big talkers but I don't know how else to help.

Quitting his job and giving you 30 mins notice that he is off IS a cause for concern I would think. That's not normal behaviour. Hopefully with the stress of work lifted he will be ok, but I would be worried about him.

For heaven's sake. People need their partners. Is that such an outlandish idea?

Yes I think it is. I can't imagine 'needing' anyone to the point that I couldn't face a week without them. I assumed there was something in particular she needs him for.

He's had MH problems in the past, was depressed for a long time although has been fine the whole time I've known him so I've never personally seen it. He has previously attempted suicide so I guess I'm just worried.

This puts a whole different spin on it

Am at posters saying that this is ok given there are no children. Really? So presumably as the OP and her DP live together there are bills to pay, finances to be aware of, the fact that they're a couple means that surely they communicate? Except he's quit his job and has just taken off for a week with 30 minutes notice and people think that's ok? Really?

It's one thing to decide that you're stressed and need a break, and make plans to do so once discussing it with your partner. It's quite another to wake up one morning and decide to leave on a wim, or presumably to just leave having planned it beforehand.

I would potentially be questioning his mental health but I might also be questioning whether there was someone else, or whether this was going to be a permanent thing. And it would a partner is someone you should be able to rely on to be honest and transparent. The OP's DP clearly doesn't fall into that category atm. make me question the relationship TBH.

Schwabi yes I found out about that at the same time. He had talked about handing his notice in but he would still have needed to work his notice which obviously he isn't now.

Sorry for drip feeding, I'm just still struggling with this and trying to make contact with him to see if he is ok.

I would have been a bit worried and put out if dh told me he was off to parts unknown for a week with no discussion, without all the other stuff. He is meant to be your partner.

I can't imagine 'needing' anyone to the point that I couldn't face a week without them.

Well, good for you. From the OP's update it sounds as though she has further reasons to worry, but there's still nothing wrong with someone expressing their love for their partner by using the word 'need'. I could, technically, live quite well without my DP, but am also quite happy to say that I 'need' him, in the sense of wanting to have him in my life and not running off for a week at 30 minutes' notice. I think a lot of people would be able and prepared to understand that use of the word.

OP, sorry, I've asked before but could you contact the friends he's gone to stay with? And are you able to contact him while he's away? Does he have a mobile?

I think its a bit odd that you "need" him so much that you can't cope without him for a week. That's probably why he needs some space, and he didn't want to tell you in case you threw a strop.
Its up to him if he wants to pack in his job - decisions like this are up to the individual BUT he can't expect to scrounge off you, so he'll have to ensure he can continue to pay his half of the bills

I also wonder if he just needs space

Well, good for you. From the OP's update it sounds as though she has further reasons to worry, but there's still nothing wrong with someone expressing their love for their partner by using the word 'need'.

yes which she posted after I posted, which I also acknowledged.

As a pp said her 'needing ' him may be one of the reasons he has gone.

I am sorry but I do think needing your partner to the point they can't have a break if they need it, isn't healthy. It also may not be helping the situation.

I love my dh. I miss him if he is away. But I don't need him to be here 24/7 either. If he wanted a break, I would be fine with that.

Major drip feed! So he's quit his job, and you're concerned he may be suicidal? That's different.

If it's just the two of you, I think he's perfectly within his rights to go away for a week, especially if he feels he needs to rather than just wants a jolly.

You may like him around but I assume you could cope without him for a week?

But if he's quit his job and this is a very last-minute thing, I can see why you're concerned. Has he left? Can you ring him? or ring the friends he's going to stay with?

And yes I do think he should have discussed leaving his job with the OP forst. Since they'd are bills and that responsibility is now falling only to her

I agree this is strange behaviour and it sounds to me like he's having a breakdown. Do you know the people he'll be staying with? Do his parents know about him quitting his job and bolting for a week? What form did his mental health problems in the past take?

I would be worried if this was my DP. Not because I would necessarily 'need' him for a week if we didn't have DC, but I would be very concerned about his MH an erratic/impulsive behaviour. I'd probably call the friends, if I had their number, and tell them that you're concerned and ask them to keep in touch and let you know if his behaviour seems odd to them.

Cross-posting but yes, he may just need some space. If he doesn't want to talk to you about it, and you've offered, there's not much ore you can do. Maybe he needs something other than you? Are you needy in general?

That's probably why he needs some space, and he didn't want to tell you in case you threw a strop

Bit harsh, Harsh. With all due respect you don't know me to make that judgement, I'm not an especially stroppy person. When he told me (bearing in mind I had just woken up) I did cry but not bawling hysterics, just a few tears and gave him a hug.

I think that the 'need' statement was a bigger one that just needing him for this particular week - I need him to stay with me and not leave or do something worse to himself. I need him in my life.

bran, it is quite possible to use the word 'need' in a loose sense that doesn't mean needing someone for something in particular or 24/7. I chose to assume that the OP was using the word in this general sense rather than immediately deciding that she was 'odd' or 'not healthy', which is quite mean IMO as well as very literal and narrow interpretation of the word.

juneau's advice is sound, I think, OP.

I can contact the friends but only through FB, I don't know them or have their numbers.

I might try and get in touch with his mum, see if she has any idea what is best to do next as she was there through his previous depressive episodes.

Nobody's suggesting he "shouldn't have a break", bran that's not the op's issue . The non communication is causing her concern, as it would for most people.

fedup Im sorry that you are worried and dont know how to support him. Im not saying you are drip feeding but your original post aid he has had a bit of a tough time at work, woke up and said he was going to his mates . That sort of gives the impression of him needing to get a way to decompress.

But then youve said he has quit his job, left for a week with no notice to you and now presumably isnt going to see his DS? I think this is a totally different scenario tbh and Im not surprised this has worried you.

Getting away from his life for a bit of R&R doesnt mena hes getting away from you - just that he needs a change of scene. However if you think he is seriously depressed then that is different. I do think going with 30 minutes notice would have made me feel a bit as he surely would have been thinking about it the night before.

Do you think hes just gone to clear his head, or do you think there is more to him just wanting to see his mates and forget about lifes stresses for a week?

Quite stunned at some of the answers here. YANBU.

It is not unusual or unreasonable to want space. It is unusual and unreasonable to quit your job and take off with 30 mins notice to your partner. Even without the potential MH issues.

Oh Fedup, you can't 'need' someone. You're a woman. You have to put your needs aside. The worst thing you could be is 'needy' and a woman, even though that's not what you said and you aren't coming across at all needy. Just reasonably and proportionally upset.

Having a spontaneous trip away, which the first post suggested, in my opinion is not that unusual or the end of the world. In my opinion.

I asked the OP to clarify why she needed him. She may have said 'I am disabled and will be housebound all week without him' for all any body knows.

With the subsequent information the OP has given I can see why she is worried.

However, from the information in the first post, I (as in its my opinion) can not see the big issue.

If they OP needs him, that wouldn't have changed if he had told her the night before or two days before. Assuming he had even decided then.

Can see why you have cause for concern, but could it be as simple as he wanted to go on holiday with you in the short (?) gap before starting his new job and recharge his batteries, but realised you wouldnt be able to get time off at such short notice so took off to see his mates instead?

YANBU. I'd be very concerned about this given his history and I'd also be pretty annoyed that I was informed he was doing something then half an hour late he was gone! Presumably he has known about this for a while as he must have had to organise it, he could have had the courtesy to mention his line of thinking. He has been pretty rude tbh but I'd be very concerned for his MH at the moment.

I don't think so turnaround, when I asked him about it this morning he specifically said that he wants to get away from everything, including me