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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Drunken Man child

25 replies

chorltonloveswheelies · 21/06/2016 13:45

Anyone else's DH turn into a drunken arse at formal events?

Have always been mortified by DHs antics at weddings, parties etc.
If he's drinking he just regresses to being a ridiculous teenager, totally ignoring me and boring the pants off anyone he happens to corner.

I remember it first happening at the wedding of a uni friend of his. I may as well not have been there; he didn't talk to me and spent the whole night drinking and reminiscing with his friends. I spent half the evening on my own in tears.

Happened again (after many similar times) on Sat. We were at his brothers wedding and I could tell as soon as we got to the reception he had 'the devil in his eye'. I was driving so he proceeded to get absolutely hammered. From about 5pm onwards I don't think he said 2 words to me or the DCs. We may as well not have been there. Even when DD had fallen asleep on me at 9pm, he didn't bother checking if I was ok or needed to be relieved. After 2 hours of this I'd had enough and took DCs home, leaving him to get a cab.

I watch other couples having a good time separately but they still check on each other and chat together. I just feel totally ignored and lonely.

Have tried confronting him, usually the day after but am just accused of being boring and a nagging wife, and who am I to "deprive him of enjoying his own brothers wedding?'

So AIBU?? Maybe it is just me? Maybe because I was sober I just wasn't getting into the swing of things? After Saturday I vowed that I wouldn't go to anymore social events with him (totally unrealistic); I just can't bear him when he's drunk

OP posts:

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 21/06/2016 14:06

Add pissing himself, threatening violence and nicking people's drinks and you have my ex.
By the end of the night his mates would be bored of his shit too.

No its not just you. I dreaded those sort of social occasions . You can't relax because you are (sometimes literally) moping up after them. It's stressful and ruins what should be a fun time spent together.

Original poster

chorltonloveswheelies · 21/06/2016 14:09

Thanks Sweetest.

Luckily he's not a violent drunken, just a really boring, silly one who thinks he's the greatest wag alive. I literally watch people glaze over as he recalls so many 'hilarious' anecdotes. He has no idea when to shut up

OP posts:

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 21/06/2016 14:15

Most smartphones have video capability now - how about filming him being a boring pissed arse-end then play it back to him when he's sober?

Egosumgism · 21/06/2016 14:26

You spent half the evening in tears because he didn't check in on you?

Original poster

chorltonloveswheelies · 21/06/2016 14:33

I knew no one at that first wedding, we were in the middle of nowhere and after sitting at a table on my own for 2 hours (yes I'd made small talk with other guests) I went and sat outside to have a moment.

He didn't even realise I'd gone

OP posts:

FledglingFridge · 21/06/2016 14:35

You spent half the evening in tears because he didn't check in on you?

Yes, ignore the whole OP apart from the part where it could be the OP's fault.

I know what you mean OP. Ex used to do this. Others will be noticing it too.

KittyKrap · 21/06/2016 14:37

My XH used to do this too. I didn't cry, in the end I'd just fuck off in a taxi. I'd second the video recording.

DH now just starts dancing.

Original poster

chorltonloveswheelies · 21/06/2016 14:38

Thanks Fridge.... Yep when he's in full flow I just stare at him throwing "shut the fuck up" arrows. Obviously he's oblivious

OP posts:

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 21/06/2016 14:41

You seem to be having an affair with my dh I can't stand him when he's drunk, its the only thing we argue about. It's not often to be fair but earlier in our marriage it was a big problem. We compromise now by him drinking a bit less and me not getting so uptight.

Original poster

chorltonloveswheelies · 21/06/2016 14:41

It was just the once I cried; now I just roll my eyes and internalise the anger (but I'm just being a mardy old cow apparently )

Certainly wouldn't confront him at he time (although really want to!!) ... No one wants to see a full blown domestic.

OP posts:

Original poster

chorltonloveswheelies · 21/06/2016 14:43

Lois. Would just be so refreshing if we could enjoy the event together, at least some of the time

OP posts:

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 21/06/2016 14:46

You need to be very clear when he is sober about how you felt. If he loves you he will be mortified and might not go so full throttle with the drink at the next event. The video idea sounds good

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/06/2016 15:03

Don't most people seem to behave like this when they're drunk and you aren't?

That all sounds annoying but sitting in tears while he reminisces with his uni friends at a uni friends wedding sounds a bit odd tbh.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/06/2016 15:03

Ask him to alternate alcohol with soft drinks so he's not pissed so early.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/06/2016 15:03

Or tell him he's driving!

Egosumgism · 21/06/2016 15:57

Isnt being a bit of an arse (as long as not offensively so) kind of par for the course.

No, ye wasn't an exemplary husband but should the situation be reversed, would you be OP? I think it sounds like a give-and-take time. If fit were every week then of course it would be different.

DJBaggieSmalls · 21/06/2016 15:59

Instead of glaring daggers at him or getting so upset you cry, go talk to people and try to enjoy yourself.

Mitel · 21/06/2016 16:58

Agree with DJBaggieSmalls. Go make the most of it, you may have had fun and met some nice people.

He was definitely insensitive, but do you call him things like 'manchild' to his face?? It is very demeaning and patronising, arguably emotionally abusive. Could explain his behaviour somewhat.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/06/2016 17:02

OP there is some serious minimising on this thread. He's putting alcohol ahead of you and your DC. It's not normal and you don't have to accept it.

yougotitdude · 21/06/2016 17:14

Honestly OP I think your being a bit soft. Getting pissed at a uni mates wedding and reminiscing with them isn't that unusual. You didn't have to stay if you were uncomfortable- you could of gone home.

Unless he is sitting at home every night getting pissed- I think YABU. We are all entitled to let our hair down once in a while and enjoy things in the way we want too. And sorry- but I chortled at the "he's putting alcohol before you DC and you". He's having a couple of pints at his brothers wedding, he's not sat at the kitchen table wasting household funds that they use on food for their children to buy tequila FGS.

I don't drink, my partner does. If he goes off and gets pissed and leaves me on my own- then he knows I go home and he's left to come back in a taxi or stay overnight somewhere and i'll come and collect him the next day. I don't consider him to be a "manchild"- he's just having fun in a way HE wants.

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh OP- it just isn't something I can get myself wound up over.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/06/2016 17:59

yougotitdude it's not just a couple of pints at his brother's wedding, it's getting hammered every time they go out to a social function. There's a difference.

At the least it's selfish and inconsiderate behaviour to ignore your partner when you are out. At worst it's problem drinking.

specialsubject · 21/06/2016 18:07

tell him that like all drunks, he's a dull, boring, disgusting arse when he's in that state. Adults who aren't alcoholics are able to control their alcohol intake.

this normalising of excessive swilling is revolting. If you can't have a good time without booze coming out of your ears, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Tell him that.

now he's a parent, he can't just pour it down his neck and forget all responsibilities. He lost that choice for 18 years when he took off the condom. Sorry.

peachpudding · 21/06/2016 18:30

The real question is, if you dont like this very common behaviour why did you marry him? Did you by any chance think you could change him?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/06/2016 18:33

Yes peach, that's the real question. And if she decides that no, she shouldn't have married him she can just pop into her time machine and undo her marriage and DC.

gingerbreadmanm · 21/06/2016 18:34

I can see both sides. It might have been an idea for you to have a drink too and let your hair down a bit but i have a dp who sounds very similar.

He never drinks to get merry, always drinks to the extreme. So i feel your frustration.

Ive tried the video thing. Hes usually too hungover to give a shit and even when sober minimises it by blaming drink and saying everyone does it. Sadly for me it is an almost weekly thing.

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