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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend is not speaking to me because I didn't come to her child's birthday

86 replies

SmellyTelly · 20/06/2016 12:53

Her child turned two I said I will go but in the end just didn't want to. I told her I was hung over.
I didn't want to go because I don't have children, I avoid kids parties unless they are my family even then I don't want to go plus I wouldn't know anyone who was going to be there.

I told her I will meet her within the week but I didn't because I have been going through a lot and have two court cases coming up.
She doesn't know any of this nor will I tell her our friendship isn't like that.

Was I wrong here?
I have known her for 10 plus years but we aren't close if that makes sense. I am childless

OP posts:

QuimReaper · 20/06/2016 14:47

Are people really this needy?

Not ideal behaviour OP but blimey, these things happen - am astonished your friend took it so hard when she must have been up to her eyeballs with 30 people at a 2yr old's party.

I had a friend who didn't show up to my Hen Do last weekend, the bridesmaid said she had asked for clarification of the address that morning but then just didn't show. She contacted me a couple of days later to say she'd been feeling dreadful and kept trying to leave the house but just felt too ill. We were concerned when she didn't show, but angry? Not talking to her? Of course not!

I think the main problem was your excuse, bed bound with an awful cold would have been much better

thisisafakename · 20/06/2016 14:54

Why on earth did you not come up with a better excuse than being hungover? Do you have no social skills- I would be so pissed off if someone blew me off because of a hangover as it seems incredibly selfish and is totally avoidable and self-inflicted. Now, if you had said that you had picked up a bug and was worried about spreading it, she would have understood AND you would have got brownie points for being considerate to the kids who were going to be there. You need to think carefully next time- migraine, stomach bug, food poisoning, other illness- fine. Hangover- not so fine.

thisisafakename · 20/06/2016 14:55

What are the court cases? Are you okay? Maybe message your friend and explain that things are very difficult for you at the moment.

TheNaze73 · 20/06/2016 14:58

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to go. Her life has changed dramatically & it must hire you rigid. Well done fit being honest but, this may have been an occasion when a fib about being ill in bed would have been better

TheNaze73 · 20/06/2016 14:58

Bore not hire

scoobydooagain · 20/06/2016 14:59

Think you are are getting quite a hard time here. A 2 year olds party sounds pretty hellish and imagine one with a hangover. Yes you should have said no upfront but really expecting a friend ( without a child) to attend a toddler's party is pushing friendship too far.

purplevase4 · 20/06/2016 15:11

I think people misuse the word hangover. It's not a minor headache.

When I get hungover I am ill. I am in bed all day until 5pm when the headache magically shifts. It's a very good way of ensuring I never drink more than 2 glasses of wine in an evening I can tell you. There is no way I would be going to a 2 year old's birthday party with a hangover. I do not need to get remotely "trollied" to get one.

I might make the effort with a minor wine-induced headache which goes an hour after taking paracetamol.

star1980 · 20/06/2016 15:17

Our culture is far less OK with Thanks, I'll come then not turning up and giving a totally self-centred excuse why not.

I agree with you, but I do think things would be better if we could (as a society) accept a polite "I'd rather not" as a valid excuse. I think we all agree that the op could have come up with a better excuse, but it's still a lie and often "sorry I have plans" doesn't cut it and you're asked innocent questions about what you're busy doing.

I once didn't go to a thing of a friend because I was having my new kitchen delivered . I didn't think they'd be ok with that so I said I had to work. But then later realised I'd already told the truth to another friend who was also invited. Total minefield when you start to lie.

The more I think about this, the more I'm with the op! (Whilst also agreeing that it was unreasonable)

JudyCoolibar · 20/06/2016 15:18

The point about hangover being a crap excuse is that it's self-induced. If you know you have a tendency to hangovers and you have a commitment the next day, you keep off the booze. It's not rocket science. At least an illness is unavoidable.

However, as pointed out, this goes beyond the hangover excuse to the failure to keep a promise to drop a present round during the week. So, OP, you have some big fences to mend if you want to keep this friendship.

DotForShort · 20/06/2016 15:20

YABU. If you didn't want to attend the party in the first place, you could have made a polite excuse then. And by polite excuse I do not mean "God, no, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than attend a 2-year-old's party."

Agreeing to attend with no intention of doing so is rude and selfish. Blaming your absence on a hangover is a bit pathetic for an adult. If you're under 18, it would be more understandable.

Marquand · 20/06/2016 15:23

It is perfectly understandable not to want to go to the party, but then don't accept the invitation in the first place.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 20/06/2016 15:30

The OP wasn't hungover, that was the excuse she concocted, and a dumb one.

Lymmmummy · 20/06/2016 16:22

Bit rude - and insensitive to give the hungover excuse

If you simply did not want to go you could of been honest - or told a lie more likely to go down well - eg you were generally unwell or had another commitment

You come across like a naughty teenager and quite immature

Original poster

SmellyTelly · 20/06/2016 18:38

I can understand why the hangover excuse was self centred I just thought saying ill would be to obvious.
Someone actually found my last thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2653471-To-not-go-to-my-friends-childs-birthday-party-tomorrow

I do value her friendship but we just aren't close anymore, that doesn't mean I want to lose her over this.

OP posts:

MozzieRocks · 20/06/2016 19:52

You were wrong to say you would go and then not go. I think you picked the wrong ailment, saying you have d&v would have been a lot better because it says to your friend I want to go but can't rather than I can't be bothered. That said, if I was your friend I would be very disappointed. Like you say I think you have grown apart and should accept that.

manicinsomniac · 20/06/2016 23:13

In the genius words of Phoebe from 'Friends' - "Oh, I wish I could but I don't want to!"

I have never dared use that line but always always wanted to.

YWBU to lie but I can't imagine caring if I was the kid's mum. I get upset when my friends flake on me/something that would be fun and enjoyable and I have been looking forward to. But I don't need them to come to my kids' stuff. I don't even like doing that myself half the time.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/06/2016 23:17

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think YWBU. All very well people calling you for being too hung over to attend, but you've got no children. You can as pelatic and legless as you please.
However clutching at straws here but I'd could understand her being annoyed if you turned up to someone else's child's party and snubbed her child's.

MissDuke · 20/06/2016 23:23

I don't blame you for not going, I wouldn't have either! I also don't blame her for being upset at you not going at the last minute and then not meeting up as planned after. At the end of the day, it sounds like the friendship may have run its course, which is fair enough really. Hope you are ok as it does sound like your life is very stressful right now

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/06/2016 23:33

You were clearly unreasonable. I can't comprehend how you'd think your excuse was reasonable. It's not rocket science is it?

hippiedays · 20/06/2016 23:49

I think your friend is being very silly. To be perfectly honest, what you said ie you accepted the invitation and then came up with a last minute excuse is something I'd have done ten years ago myself. Like you, I'd have thought it was better to tell what I'd have told myself was a white lie.

Now that I have kids, I know that I'd be disappointed if somebody said they would come and didn't. But that wouldn't mean I'd lose a friendship over it.

I think your friend might sulk and distance you a bit more because although you currently feel there is a distance between you now that she has a child, she probably doesn't think so as she is busy being caught up with being a mum to a two year old.

I'd say you should apologise and explain that you thought you wouldn't fit in because you don't have a child yourself etc. She should be reasonable enough to accept your honesty and move on. If she doesn't, it is possible that you have both outgrown the friendship.

coolaschmoola · 20/06/2016 23:58

The party thing - rude yes, but not the end of the world...

Saying you would see her in the week and not - rude again.

Not even bothering to contact her in the week to say you wouldn't be coming - selfish, discourteous and very bloody rude!

The first one wouldn't bother me particularly, the second would make it clear that you don't value the friendship much. The complete lack of courtesy to even bother to send a text would be enough for me to think, 'sod this for a game of soldiers.'

It was your behaviour AFTER the party, rather than not turning up to the party itself that showed me how little you value this friendship and also was massively disrespectful towards your 'friend'. At this point I would be done. Not because of the party - but because of your incredibly flaky, selfish and disrespectful attitude towards someone you allegedly think of as a friend.

GabsAlot · 21/06/2016 00:09

im with you op i find it hard to refuse invitations but i just cant face things like that so make an excuse

only go to families kids parties out of obligation really and it isnt often

Damselindestress · 21/06/2016 00:11

At first I thought you were being flaky but then I realised it sounds like you might have some social anxiety (about crowds etc) is that accurate and is your friend aware of this?

hippiedays · 21/06/2016 00:12

I missed the part where you said you would meet her but didn't AND didn't bother to contact her to say you were not able to meet her. I've had this done to me and when you are on the receiving end of this sort of 'friendship', what starts off as disappointment at being cancelled, ends up making you feel rather shit about yourself when you realise that people think you are not even worth a quick phonecall.

If your friendship hasn't already run its course, it probably should.

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 21/06/2016 00:20

I get you not wanting to go, I wouldn't go to a friends 2 yr old party! (and I have a child...)Just don't say yes in the first place.

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