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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is not speaking to me because I didn't come to her child's birthday

86 replies

SmellyTelly · 20/06/2016 12:53

Her child turned two I said I will go but in the end just didn't want to. I told her I was hung over.
I didn't want to go because I don't have children, I avoid kids parties unless they are my family even then I don't want to go plus I wouldn't know anyone who was going to be there.

I told her I will meet her within the week but I didn't because I have been going through a lot and have two court cases coming up.
She doesn't know any of this nor will I tell her our friendship isn't like that.

Was I wrong here?
I have known her for 10 plus years but we aren't close if that makes sense. I am childless

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 20/06/2016 13:14

I posted a few days ago about my reluctance to go to my friend's daughter's Christening. I was up front with my friend and told her why I didn't want to go.

The MN Jury told me that being honest with her was not the right thing to do and instead I should have told her I would come and then pull out on the day with a crap excuse.

It seems like you can't win Grin

LizKeen · 20/06/2016 13:17

OP, it sounds like you are going through a difficult time. Are you depressed? Do you have anxiety? That is what it sounds like.

You cannot expect your friend to make allowances for situations she doesn't know about. You are acting very self centered, which can sometimes be what happens when we are stressed and struggling. Your friend has every right to be annoyed at this situation, no matter what your feelings are about it. You treated her badly, and these are the consequences.

Even if she did have a better idea of what is going on with you, she still doesn't have to put up with selfish behaviour.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 20/06/2016 13:17

YANBU to not want to go - but the way you've gone about things is horribly rude and unreasonable.

Fine to say no to the invite when you first get it. Rude to accept and then pull out at the last minute with a flimsy excuse like a hangover. Doubly rude to then say you'll meet her within the week and then not bother.

From your friend's point of view it makes you look flakey and like you're not really interested in the friendship. I appreciate you've got other stuff going on, but if you're not going to tell your friend about any of that, you can hardly expect her to be understanding if the other stuff means you're too busy to get in touch with her when you've said you will.

Kewcumber · 20/06/2016 13:18

Does she know you are no longer close friends? It sounds to me like you were close but as she's no fun anymore you've dumped her.

Yes you were wrong, it is breathtakingly rude to accept an invitation (to anything) and say you couldn't be bothered to come because you were hung over. I can;t believe any mature adult would think this more acceptable than being honest and saying "I'm sorry I hate big groups of people, how big a problem would it be if I popped in to give her a present beforehand and avoided the actual party"

Frankly I think you've done her a favour as I suspect she didn't realise that in your eyes you are no longer close and I'm pretty sure she now knows!

When you have children there are friends that fall away - it's hurtful but for the best as they obviously aren;t that interested in being friends.

Pinkheart5915 · 20/06/2016 13:21

It was rude of you to say you was going then message and say oh actually I'm hungover so won't be coming.
If you didn't want to go, never intended to go you should of just said when she invited you.

Sonders · 20/06/2016 13:21

I think it's different if you've already accepted the invite, then it's kinder to invoke a small white lie to save feelings.

Smelly should have declined the invite in the first place and been honest but they've explained why and I understand.

I went to my dear friend's DD's first birthday and expected around 15 people, arrived and it was closer to 50! We just stayed for a token half hour then left, I said to friend that I was a bit overwhelmed with the number of people (OH and I knew nobody) but we'd pop back in the week and catch up properly, which is exactly what happened.

OptimisticSix · 20/06/2016 13:24

Yes you were wrong. Nothing wrong with saying no in the first place, but once you said yes you should go.

star1980 · 20/06/2016 13:26

writerwannabe, I was thinking the same thing. OP, the general consensus is that you were being unreasonable and I agree. But I'm not sure I'd do anything differently... How do you tell a friend you don't want to go to their 2yo's party?? I would probably not respond for ages until pressed, and then say something vague like "I'll try and make it" and then make up an excuse on the day. I am usually very nice/reasonable but our culture is really not OK with "I just don't want to do that thing you'd really like me to do"

To be fair, my friends with kids are self aware enough to give us childless a free pass with these things. Right now it would be unbearable for me as I'm struggling with infertility, but even before that I wouldn't have been keen!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 20/06/2016 13:27

Yanbu to not want to go but YABU for saying you would go and then not. Very unreliable

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/06/2016 13:28

Why not just say you already have plans?

Fail safe, inoffensive.

cosmicglittergirl · 20/06/2016 13:30

I don't think YWBU. I have a two year old and if my friend said she was too hungover to come I d hardly mind, that's the joy of being child free!

Original poster
SmellyTelly · 20/06/2016 13:42

On my last thread people actually told me to make an excuse and say I was ill I said hungover because it sounds more like me. .
They were both lies so I don't get why I'm getting flamed for not saying in the first place.
If there are any inspector gadgets on here maybe you can find the thread.

I understand I should of just said I don't want to go buy as someone else said how do u say that

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 20/06/2016 13:48

Because most people if they are hungover actually can make an effort if they want to do something, not doing it for a hangover very clearly says "I can;t be bothered, you don;t matter enough" and then you followed it it with not bothering to meet up with her in the following week as well.

Why are you bothered - you clearly don't see her as a friend anymore? Your behaviour had the benefit of making that clear to her. SO it's a win win from your perspective - you didn't have to go to the party and you're unlikely to be on the guest list again.

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/06/2016 13:51

You don't have to say you don't want to go Hmm

Friend: We're having a party for my 2yo next Saturday at 3pm, would you like to come?
OP: Oh, I'm really sorry but I have plans that day. I hope 2yo has a great time!

End of issue, surely. You don't accept an invite then pretend to be hungover to get out of it. It's an obvious excuse and it's really bloody rude. She's now thinking "So going out on the piss is more important than seeing me and my child, fuck her."

Making excuses not to go in the first place is not the same as agreeing to go and letting someone down at the last minute.

ScoutandAtticus · 20/06/2016 13:55

I think you were wrong for saying you would go etc. But to be honest I would not expect friends without children to come to my 2 year olds party. Hell, I wouldn't want to go myself! Kids parties are only fun for the kiss. Just send her a note to say sorry and leave it. Tbh perhaps the friendship has met its sell by date given you haven't even told her about your court cases.

ScoutandAtticus · 20/06/2016 14:00

I meant kids not kiss.

If it's any comfort Op, before i had children would definitely have chosen the night out and I most definitely would not have wanted to spend a hangover listening to screaming children. I think some people on here have forgotten what life is like without children!

Sparklesilverglitter · 20/06/2016 14:01

It was rude, well actually I have a hangover so I'm not going to bother after all.

Just say when invited " I don't have children of my own, I don't like children's parties so I'm going to pass up on your invite" it's what I always said before getting pregnant at 39

KittensandKnitting · 20/06/2016 14:07

YANBU to not want to go, I have children and find kids birthday parties hellish. Avoid like the plague. I wouldn't want to go to a two year old party now let alone before children.

YABU in not just saying sorry I'm busy or coming up with a better excuse as you said you would go, and it's a bit rude to say your see her in the week but not say anything "busy with work" would have been fine.

Does sound like you have grown apart and that you aren't really "friends" anymore so I'd chalk it up to experience and move on.

Arfarfanarf · 20/06/2016 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HysteriaLane · 20/06/2016 14:19

Ugh I hate kids parties and I have two kids. Going to them without kids is even worse. But you did say you'd go, and its nice to have your mates with you at these hideous events. Best apologise.

miaowmix · 20/06/2016 14:21

you just sound rude and immature. Haven't you heard of a white lie to save someone's feelings, or do you not actually care about your friend?

cupofrooibos · 20/06/2016 14:22

YABVVU. Hmm

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 20/06/2016 14:34

our culture is really not OK with "I just don't want to do that thing you'd really like me to do"

Our culture is far less OK with Thanks, I'll come then not turning up and giving a totally self-centred excuse why not.

Why not say "Sorry, I'm busy that day" when originally asked? Job done.

Rude, OP but as others have said you've said she's not a real friend, so now you can be pleased the friendship's dead

PolitelyDisagree · 20/06/2016 14:41

Yes you were a bit unreasonable but I don't blame you. If I had found out there were thirty people I would gave assumed she would be fine without me. I would have been totally upfront and honest and if she had been pissed off then so be it. I think saying you were hung over was a mistake.

If your friend is not speaking to you then I think she is being silly too.

Peridotisinvalid · 20/06/2016 14:47

Everyone's focussing on the OP not going to the child's birthday party, but the OP also said:-

"I told her I will meet her within the week but I didn't because I have been going through a lot and have two court cases coming up. "

and

"I think she is more mad that I didn't contact her in the week when I said I would to drop her child's present but I just had so much on"

so I'm not at all surprised that your friend is pissed off with you, OP.