DD completely lost it last night and I don't know how to move on

[streetdog]

Because honestly if this had been a friend and a partner rather than a teen I would be saying LTB.

She has some sensory issues and mild sen. She has also had a shit time at school recently but is moving.

Last night she couldn't find her tablet and after searching for an hour she lost it completely.

Hitting, scratching, kicking in stomach as I had surgery and scars there, twisting my hands because she knows I have arthritis, pushing, screaming, throwing things at my face across the room inc a bottle, a boiled sweet, a close I had just cleaned the dogs vomit up with, tipped the bin out everywhere.

I managed to get out of the room and lock myself in the bathroom out of her way and she started kicking the door in.

When she had stopped I spoke to her and was very cross, I made her tidy up and she is grounded. She wasn't remorseful, it was all my fault apparently.
I hadn't helped her look (I had)
I had pushed her buttons
I had annoyed her
I had brought it on myself
I had only had her to ruin her life and am a terrible mother.

I'm furious this morning. I can't even face looking at her.

She has had teenage strops before but nothing like this.

She's bigger than me already. She's 13

Seen Camhs in the past. Been on the waiting list to see them again since November but despite repeatedly chasing we are no further

Currently school no support AT ALL

Hit the phones, big style.

Call SS.
Call CAMHS.
Call the school (SENCO, HOY or both).
Call the LA SEN Dept.
Go and see your GP.

ALL of the above.

Tell them everything. Follow up in writing. Warn them that you are frightened that someone will get seriously hurt. She needs much more input.

Listen to minifingerz and Dacre.btw, not to people who, no matter how well meaning, have no idea what they are talking about.

But do keep yourself safe first. I'll never tire of saying that.

I have the explosive book as she had previous meltdowns but not violent towards me. Didn't realise there was a website too thank you.

I have spoke to young mind in the past when she was struggling with anxiety over school.

Will ring parent line thank you.

I told all of those people, pretty much all of them said its because I am a terrible parent.
Dds social worker has now told her I think she is in care on a holiday and am not that bothered, so dd is refusing to even see me.

She's due to move school soon? Out of mainstream? Or?

Allegra's suggestion of going Gluten and Casein free (basically wheat and dairy free) is a very good one - chemically it's meant to be like coming off opiates for a sensitive child on the spectrum. One of my DC is a completely different person with/without casein in their diet.

Definitely open to diet change although her diet is limited as it is in terms of what she will eat.

Still mainstream but a much smaller setting, greater sen support and a reduced timetable.

Still mainstream but a much smaller setting, greater sen support and a reduced timetable.

That sounds very positive.

The lack of remorse is not necessarily what it seems. She could be really frightened by the experience of being so out of control and putting a cocky, adolescent face on things.

This. When my DD finally processed the enormity of what had happened in some of these rages, she started a series of very determined attempts to kill herself.

Dread to think how much worse it could have been if I was on board with the idea that she needed punishment, not help.

Incidentally, if you want to know what she was like during one of these outbursts, basically, it would have been no surprise to have her head spin around 180 degrees and peasoup spew out of her mouth. I half expected it.

That's why the most horrifying part of The Exorcist are words "loosely based on real life events". Some poor kid going through this shit was really subjected to an exorcism ritual rather than given much needed help and support.

What Allegra was saying. Out of my dc, the child who has never apologised to me about anything is the one who really, really feels the seriousness of any transgression. The other one is very quick with charming apologies- not suggesting she doesn't mean them, but I do think she gets over things a lot quicker than he does.

My db had violent outbursts when he was younger (though thankfully stopped before puberty). He has never been able to speak about them afterwards. That is not because he doesn't care.

From what you describe that's quite a lot of Sen actually. SPD itself is a very difficult one. Definitely follow up the lists of people you have been given above. When my ds was younger than this and had issues I phoned everyone I could and had to keep phoning them until the right things were put in place. I've been properly beaten up by my child in the past and he's only 9 now it's so much better these days but that's with some intensive camhs input.

Allegra
What you say about the exorcist film describes dd too, I hadn't thought of that, I'd likened her to the character in Indiana Jones and the last crusade, when he drinks from the cup and his face involuntarily changes, that's dd, it's like she just can't help it, but at the same time is lashing out wildly at me.
This thread is making me feel sane.

Thanks all.
She has come home from school calm and with a bag of sweets for me so obviously something somewhere has gone in that she has done wrong.

Definately back to the GP though and contact parentline.

And yes to the exorcist thing.
There was just so much rage. We didn't even have toddler tantrums so it all came as a bit of a shock tbh.

Agree that the SN is not as mild as it seems.
Lack of taking zero responsibility and blaming anyone other than themselves is classic. My ds1 is THE most awful at that aspect.

Hope it gets better for you.

You have to seek some sort of outside help. whatbyouve described sounds like a toddler tantrum

Just to chip in. I did a course through the challenging behaviour foundation, through our local hospital team (at the time) and it was very good. There is stuff out there, it's just knowing how to tap into it

I'm too much in the middle of this to offer advice. I've been and am where you are. You're not alone, it's not you. [Flowers]

I have heard of NVR and ironically have spent today googling info. I read about making 'the statement' having back up/witnesses etc but cannot find how you actually deal with the explosions.

As I said earlier she has had sensory meltdowns before but not this severe or towards me so I had already sought some help.

How do you do this or get help when no one believes you?

I would suggest you phone social care and get support

Yes, they say it's because I'm a terrible mother.
I told them them that dd had hit me when I asked her to hoover, they gave me a spiel about dd doing chores, perhaps she shouldn't do chores etc.
I told them she beat me up with a laptop, well I shouldn't have removed the laptop
Basically dd should do nothing, I should make her behave and everything she does wrong is my fault.
She does not have Aspergers/PDA/ODD/OCD, they are me trying to label her to excuse my bad parenting.

sounds like ds, he is only little though and with asd. (sounds like it is a bloody good thing we had him diagnosed early from the troubles other people have had)

and yes, professionals want to pin the problem on the parent first. saves them having to do anything about it.

IHaveBrilloHair - I was made to feel the same. We were put on a family therapy course. Three years on and dd was given a serious mental health diagnosis, but only after CAMHS admitted that they couldn't help, and she was referred on to a level 4 centre.