DD completely lost it last night and I don't know how to move on

[streetdog]

Because honestly if this had been a friend and a partner rather than a teen I would be saying LTB.

She has some sensory issues and mild sen. She has also had a shit time at school recently but is moving.

Last night she couldn't find her tablet and after searching for an hour she lost it completely.

Hitting, scratching, kicking in stomach as I had surgery and scars there, twisting my hands because she knows I have arthritis, pushing, screaming, throwing things at my face across the room inc a bottle, a boiled sweet, a close I had just cleaned the dogs vomit up with, tipped the bin out everywhere.

I managed to get out of the room and lock myself in the bathroom out of her way and she started kicking the door in.

When she had stopped I spoke to her and was very cross, I made her tidy up and she is grounded. She wasn't remorseful, it was all my fault apparently.
I hadn't helped her look (I had)
I had pushed her buttons
I had annoyed her
I had brought it on myself
I had only had her to ruin her life and am a terrible mother.

I'm furious this morning. I can't even face looking at her.

She has had teenage strops before but nothing like this.

could this be hormone related? has she just started her periods?

I would take her to your GP and go through with her/him exactly what the level of violence was. Most likely she will be embarrassed by this when confronted with what she has done and knowing it is known by other people.

you also need to meet with her head of year and the SEN co-ordinator at school and tell them what is happening.

she is 13 and SEN or not she knows that this behaviour is unacceptable.

when both of you are calm sit down, have someone else there like a friend or family member, and tell her that if she ever kicks off like that again you are calling the police. the age of criminal responsibility is 10 and they will take what she is doing very seriously.

you need to deal with this now and quickly otherwise she will assume that this behaviour is acceptable and it will happen again and could be more serious.

I would certainly get her hormones checked out as some girls really suffer with them and it can make them very violent at certain times.

the most important thing now is to be calm and look after yourself.

She knew what she was doing by targeting the areas that would hurt you the most. She certainly wouldn't ever be having the tablet back and that's just the minimum. Hopefully she won't do it again but i'd definitely be straight on the phone to the police. She clearly needs a good shock!

Sorry she has spd and Dyspraxia and receptive language issues in addition to what I posted above.

I have a DD, aged 12. Some of the above sounds familiar but not the bashing down the bathroom door bit but certainly punching, scratching, destroying property (both hers and mine and some expensive) and throwing things.

I have considered calling the police, on occasion but what stops me is the fact that they might think we have done something to her to provoke this (we haven't - I don't touch her). I should take her to the GP for her sake as well as mine and the rest of the family but I feel so ashamed and failing as a parent.

She is fine at school, though a little daydreamy at times and overly keen to impress her friends.

She, too, was diagnosed years ago as having Sensory Issues but this was said to be mild and that it would resolve itself so we were discharged.

I remember a friend's boy having to go to a state-funded residential school because it got so bad, he ended up breaking his father's arm. I have told DD this and, initially, it bothered her but now it doesn't.

Working out our flashpoints, it's when we interrupt her when she's watching something on the TV and ipad so that needs more restriction in the house.

It is obvious from what she says that she does it to manipulate us into letting her have her own way.

I know I am absolutely a pushover mother, too, but I am so exhausted most of the time.

I've given no advice (sorry) but I hear you.

I have had similar from my dd - as in throwing stuff, kicking down doors, screaming, breaking things. Totally vile behaviour and a similar complete refusal to admit it was anything other than my or my dh's fault.
In fact the three years between 11-14 were a massive uphill struggle where every weekend without fail was ruined by her tantrums and terrible behaviour, her sister lived in terror of her and we dreaded going anywhere as a family. We were very close to breaking point.
However, since she turned 14 a few months ago it was as if a light has been switched on and overnight the rages have stopped. She still has her moments but they are what I would consider normal teenage strops now, not all-consuming, frightening, violent meltdowns.
So I guess I'm not being much help to you right here, right now, but I just wanted to let you know there more than probably is light at the end of the tunnel.
If it helps - she was also a terrible toddler and from the ages of 15 months to 4 also had horrific tantrums and 'terrible twos'.
She is now pretty much charming, loving, helpful, chatty and funny - a girl who brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning.

No periods and no sign
She knew it was wrong as she was furious that I rang my Mum and called me a nasty snitch and that I wanted everyone to know so she couldn't get a job when she was older and ruin her life which is apparently what I wanted.

Hugs Gandalf I am sorry you are going through similar :(

I hope so whistle

I am so sorry. I have been there, and know other people who have been, and while I can't really give any effective advice, we just had.to ride it out and wait for things to get better, know that you are not alone, and that it's not in any shape or form your fault.

CAHMS is the appropriate route to follow, and I do hope that they are a lot more help to you than they were to us.

My DD was more self-harm oriented and I generally just got hurt when trying to prevent her hurting herself, but there have been instances where the rage was directed against me - punching where she knows it hurts is not "cunningly vile", it is a form of self harm, because lashing out at the person you depend on and really hurting them is as harmful to them in the long run as hurting themselves, or even more. It can also be a self-preservation technique , there were times when DD lashed out at me because otherwise she'd have attempted to kill herself.

The fact that she is not in control of herself does not mean you have to suffer. Calling the police to protect yourself is entirely appropriate, and when SN is in play they can be very helpful and understanding, and no charges will be pressed unless you feel that would help in the long run.

Reason this shit happens is usually an underlying mental health issue coupled with intolerable pressure of day to day (usually school) life. With my DD, I fought tooth and nail to keep her in school because I honestly did not think I could survive with her 24/7.... But when I lost that battle she actually became a lot better and home educating her until I got too ill was actually good fun.

By that time she was an adult and, away from CAHMS got diagnosed and prescribed appropriate medication to help with the worst issues.

She is now 19, just finishing her A levels, and volunteering two days a week at an animal rescue shelter. The rages are.gone, just an occcasional meltdown when pressure just becomes too much.

It can get better, I promise you. But until it does, your first priority is to keep yourself safe, no matter what it takes, else you can be no use to her. So no guilt about it,ok ?

This needs a proactive response from you. That behaviour is totally unacceptable. You were on the receiving end of it this time, which was damaging, painful and frightening. Next time, it could be in public or at home, with much more serious consequences for either you or someone innocent member of the public.

Speak to the police, SS or the GP/mental health team as a minimum.

Check out Ross Greene's The Explosive Child and his website Lives in the Balance, it may give you more ideas on coping strategies as I know support is next to nothing.

*Street dog

I was an angry teen and I am very ashamed of my past behavior. I too hit my parents, swore at them, etc.

Looking back, I can see that I had depression after my parents divorce. I never had closure from the change. Saying that, I'm not sure what my parents could have done differently. I was determined to make them miserable.

The only thing that made me do something productive was the cleaning I had to do for my pocket money. I always did it, otherwise I had no money to spend.

Have you tried the Young Minds Parents' Helpline? They can give practical support and advice, and may be able to get the CAHMS referral moving:

www.youngminds.org.uk

So sorry for you Streetdog. I feel like my heart sped up reading that as it brings back upsetting memories of my dd at 13.

Maybe repost this on the mumsnet teenagers board, where there are a good number of us who have been through this sort of situations ourselves?

My suggestions would be:

1. Wait until she is calm. When you have a moment together, preferably in a public place where you have some privacy but where she can't storm off, or maybe in the car, tell her that you won't tolerate violence towards you. Explain that she needs some counselling for her inability to cope with anger and frustration as she's big enough now to be physically dangerous to herself and other people when she loses control. Tell her you will call the police each and every time she is violent towards you, AND THEN DO IT.

Police involvement tends to result in social services involvement, and this can be very helpful (it was for my family anyway).

1. Have you got any injuries? Go to the GP and show them. Explain to your GP what you have said here so it is on record.

1. Contact the school and ask to meet with the pastoral manager. Say what has happened at home.

1. Phone Parentline if you need to offload, and look after yourself. You have been through a frightening assault and it will have impacted on your stress levels. Be very kind to yourself.

1. Other people may disagree with this but I feel very strongly that the biggest mistake I made with my violent 13 year old was to show her how badly I was affected by her behaviour. The more I tried to communicate to her how bad her behaviour was and how much it affected me and other members of the family, the more she hardened her heart and closed her ears to it. At some level and in time she will be appalled at herself, but right now it's probably too much for her to bear how badly she's behaved, so don't talk about the impact on you too much. It can also make you look weak in her eyes. Just be clear - it won't be tolerated.

Oh, and be careful who you tell about this in RL. When this happened to me I ended up being on the receiving end of comments along the lines of 'I'd never let my kids get away with that', and some very nasty comments about my dd which really hurt me.

In my family's case, my dd was eventually diagnosed with a conduct disorder and a personality disorder. She is 16 now and things couldn't be more different. She is still struggling with her emotions, but we have very few outbursts, and certainly no violence. The most violent thing she's done in six months is push me to one side as she barged out the room, and that's nothing compared to what we dealt with daily when she was 13.

Good luck! Stay strong. Adolescence can be hideous. Keep reminding yourself that it passes.

I would report what happened to the police and discuss it with them and inform them that if it ever occurs again you will be phoning them as an emergency 999.

I can imagine how awful you feel about doing that but it will very likely escalate and you both need support and actually reporting her is more likely to access what she needs. In the meantime keep pushing for help and read all you can.

I've read the article. Very interesting. Someone mentioned this to me years ago. It does ring a few bells with me. DD had early speech delay, too, but professionals were never worried about her because she had good eye contact and is social. They did question us and how we did things and signed us up for a parenting course so it was obvious that they thought it was us.

I will also check out the Explosive Child book, too. It's heartening to see someone say that 11-14 was the worst and then they come out of it because she wasn't that bad up til then but, likewise, terrible as a toddler, too.

BTW, with my daughter it was definitely hormone related.to some extent - it started at 13, periods started shortly after, then we always knew when period was due for years by whole hell breaking loose.

She still suffers with them, but as she's more in control of herself now, not everyone has to suffer along with her.

Also, checking her B12 and vitamin D at the - DD GPsDDs deficient in both and suffered terribly, which could.trigger a rage as.she did not know why she felt that way.

Other things that have helped us or other people:

Going gluten and caseine free
CBT for anxiety and anger management
Avoiding caffeine and food additives, sugar and artificial sweeteners
Reducing screen time at bedtime
Melatonin for sleep
Exercise
Contact with animals (Dog worked where nothing else did)

Not all of the above will have an effect on everyone, but they are all worth a try.

Oh would add, that my dd is also severely anxious, and in her case it manifested as anger and issues around control, particularly in controlling behaviour towards me. I wish I'd been more understanding of this at the time.

I have no experience with anything like this. She didn't just 'flip out'(as in kicked and screamed or hit you with something that was next to her). It seems like she deliberately attacked you and was calculated enough to choose things that would hurt you a lot (the hand twisting, your stomach) or demean you (dog vomit. She didn't just throw sone clothes. She threw disgustingly dirty things).

Plus the lack of remorse... Idk, everybody deserves a 2nd chance. But if she doesn't even feel sorry? No, "you really annoyed me but I was out of line and I feel really shitty now"?
I personally think she needs therapy/support immediatel. Couldn't you talk to your doctor or something?

Good luck!

Omg op

Sorry, keep adding more, that if I could go back and do it all again, differently, my response after my dd's violent outburst would involve me telling her that I'd get the police involved, but only after - when she was calm - I'd put my arms around her and told her that I loved her very much, and that it made me sad that she was so angry.

It does sound like a meltdown.

How is she normally? Is she usually perturbed if things she expects to happen, don't?

I'd suggest support rather than punishment.

Fuck me. You do not deserve this. You do not have to live in fear of your DD. You are not equipped to help somoene who is as distrubved as that. Do not minimise her behaviour.

Reach out ot your GP, SS, school - all avenues.

What a horrible thing to have gone through.

Just becase she is your daughter doesn;t give her carte blanche to hurt you, Remember that. It is not your fault.

Although you need to be safe yourself, of course.

The lack of remorse is not necessarily what it seems. She could be really frightened by the experience of being so out of control and putting a cocky, adolescent face on things.

The combination of the trigger (the fact she couldn't find the tablet she expected to find) and the spectrum issues strongly suggests to me that she needs intensive support managing her own feelings and frustrations.

Serious therapeutic input or even a residential educational setting with spectrum expertise.

Idk, I'm really frightened by the lack of remorse, tbh. I once hit my cousin when we were about... 12? We were on hollidays and he kept taking ny things, taunting me, trappinc stink beetles in laundry etc. Anyhow, at one point I snapped (he took something I bought from my pocket money and I repestedl told him to give it back) and I hit him with the umbrella I was carrying in this moment. Even his mum said that what I did was wrong but understandable (she said she actually expected me to snap much earlier).

Anyhow, the point is, when this happened I didn't try to justify myself. I cried, was hysterical for hours and offered all my stuff to my cousin (books, cds etc) which he obviously didn't accept. What I'm trying to say is: yes, sometimes teens snap. But I believe the ability to feel sorry is really important.
And the fact that she deliberately did things that would harm you very much...