AIBU to feel supremely frustrated by partner's overbearing family?

[OutsiderInTheGarden]

Sorry, long post, really need to vent. I've name changed for this thread.

OH and I have been together 8 years, have a 1 yr old child, and expecting a second. His family is huge, gregarious, loud, and they tend to do things en masse. Mine is much smaller, quieter, we tend to each do our own things, and so social events are much more low key. I have always struggled with them, and I feel like a bit of an alien. OH can't always see my point, but tries to remain supportive and sensitive, and sometimes sees that they can be overbearing.

We just celebrated our child's birthday at my parent's home, which is more convenient for them to travel to than our own. My mum is not in the best health but spent ages prepping, cleaning and cooking an incredible feast. My parents also covered the whole cost, which wasn't insignificant, as we're a bit skint and it was about 30 people.

On the day of the party my OHs family turned up 2 hours late, even though they were staying in accommodation 10 mins drive away. The birthday child was actually napping when they arrived! Some guests did not even say hello to my mum (the hostess) when they arrived and not one single person brought a small gift for the hostess. Personally I think it's the done thing to take a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, bunch of flowers, or something for the hostess.

When my father arrived much later (he had to work and couldn't get out of it) nobody acknowledged him or spoke to him for quite some time. He felt like a stranger in his own home. When they left, they took back all the remaining drinks they had brought with them (we had provided drinks). I know it's a small thing, but I think it's so rude.

This has just left me so, so pissed off. But I recognise that it comes after 8 years of feeling completely out of place with them, and frustrated by how domineering they can be. I can't put it into words very well, but they are like a clan. And I do not like the culture of this clan. My OH knows this, and he is quite different to them on a day-to-day basis, but loves spending time with them. I feel like they want to 'claim' our child for their clan, despite it being obvious that I am very different. They insist he will do certain things as he gets older (things which other young children in their family do) but they aren't things I particularly want him doing, and I have no faith that they will ever ask for my opinion, nor respect it when it's given (I usually make my feelings clear). There are lots of things which are normal in their family which I do not want in a million years becoming the norm for our children.

I am becoming increasingly aware of, and anxious about, the huge difference between the culture of our two families, especially as we are now parents. WIBU to feel so pissed off about the birthday party? AIBU to worry so much about the different family cultures? Any advice on how to manage a scenario like this one?

Conkers thank you for your post! I found that very reassuring. Your exh's family sounds so much like my OHs. All the 'closeness' as on the surface, but nobody knows what's really going on. They probably look at my family and think we are terribly boring because we don't have big, loud parties and go on holidays abroad together, but if someone has something difficult/painful going on their lives, we know because we really talk, and not just about sport or telly. My OH loves this about my family.

Lucille I don't see anybody as second class. And my brother's in-laws are much closer to Greek Wedding and we all get along incredibly well

Sorry meant to say I've been to parties hosted by families like your dh's. It was different and brash and not what I would choose, but good spirited in the sense of ' everything for the children' a bit like a holiday camp, with huge fizzy drinks, massive bags of sweets and lots of presents and massive gift bags etc.entertainer with slightly dodgy manner and dodgy jokes.

Your own party does sound a bit OTT in the amount of work involved for a first party.. Too much imo but if you loved doing it it's fine. For me these parties all about the children and spending time with them and family..relaticpves getting drunk would drive me insane at a children's party.

The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

You criticise your husband's family and yet you didn't think it might have been nice for the whole shebang to be organised on a day when your own dad wasn't working? I imagine also the cost of getting your dh's family to the party, and then the presents probably offset the pineapple on sticks etc from your own side no?

First birthday parties are (if they exist) always about the parents, and almost inevitably end in tears. Just because parents (well, mothers, generally) go a bit zilla about them. The child didn't give a flying fuck, will never remember it, and you'll be bitter about the inlaws and how they ruined it for the rest of your life. Not worth the hassle.

Remember the rule of thumb for the next ones.....for a child's birthday party to be fun, you need the close family + one guest for each year of the child's age.

Your mother did nothing wrong. Your inlaws did nothing wrong.

Lucille the family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding* are wonderful, I bet they would make anyone welcome, I bet they know what is happening in each others lives, not just a superficial level. I come from a Mediterranean family like this, rudeness like this, would not happen. Its not that op in laws family are big and loud, they were very rude when they came to the party, 2 hours late is unacceptable, and being rude to the host is also.Add to that the unacceptable humour its not on, I don't blame op for feeling how she does, the party was the straw that broke the camels back.

Op I don't think is bragging, she is trying to set the scene.

ThenLater I'm really not sure you've understood what I have been saying. But that's fine. My fatber has a job that doesn't necessarily allow us plan easily around him. I certainly did not go "zilla" about the party, or have huge expectations of it, not do I feel agrieved by the loss of some treasure-box memory.

You do not like the 'clan' OP and it will only get worse as your child gets older.He may want to' belong'. I am surprised that you have been able to clench your jaw for eight years and that your partner has allowed this.

Will nobody think of the poor conflicted partner ,who loves his family and only comes into his own when surrounded by them.

Is the holiday camp Pontins? If it is then be as snobby as you like, awful place!

They sound awful tbh. Rude, loud, racist, sexist, undermining ugh.

I get what you mean about comments. My family aren't particularly sexist (well they can be that) or racist but they are older generation where some terms were acceptable and I have to pull them up on stuff. Regular reference to 'that coloured chap/lady' and skin colour will never have anything to do with the story. Same with weight, my nan will tell a story and it will be 'blah blah a big woman blah blah' I'll ask if her weight has anything to do with it and she'll say "well, no" so I ask why even say it. I don't want my children thinking that a person's skin colour/race/weight etc has any relevance (unless it genuinely has). My nan said p**i the other day and I wasn't happy. Unfortunately she isn't racist but not that well educated and you certainly can't teach her anything, trying to get her to understand about the referendum is a bit of a nightmare.

I think parents these days do try and bring their children up differently to a lot of the older generation. I amazed sometimes that I'm as level headed as I am given stuff in used to hear. To them it's just normal.

I'd not do big events for your children. Sod them if they don't like it. Just do small tea parties for toddler group friends and bigger ones for school friends as they get older and that's it. You don't have to invite family to them.

Aero my brother's in-laws are just like this! Loud, gregarious, big personalities. In many ways they are far more different to my family than my OHs family is. But we get along very well and always enjoy shared events. Rudeness is NOT tolerated. They would be mortified to offend my parents, as my parents and I would be mortified to upset anyone. So it's definately not the case that we are incapable if having fun with people who are very different to us. Sadly I would take my brother's in-laws over my own any day of the week.

op I can understand why you feel put out, like you said your mum had gone to the trouble of putting on large party and I assume a large proportion of guests turned up rather late. I have within my family a sort of clan like this, ( my blood family) and they moved en masse to family events then mostly sat among themselves and talked to each other!

However, on your Dads part its HIS HOME he I feel should have gone up to them and spoke to them, and asserted he is HOST.

I think in terms of talking to people in your own home, the home owner is the one who should be approaching people to welcome them, ask them if they need anything etc. If he did this and they literally ignored him....you have an issue.

Otherwise you need to remember this party and think about whether you want to invite them next time, or do something separately with them. They wont change and now you know their MO

gothemoon I do think of my partner, all the time. If I didn't think if him then why would I have anything to do with his family? But it isn't true that he only 'comes into his own' in their company. In many ways he is the black sheep, and feels out if place, though he enjoys their company. I wouldn't dream of stopping him or my DC from seeing them, though I think you are right that it will become increasingly difficult.

BeYourself it isn't Pontins, but it's that sort of thing. They love it, and that's fine. I just wish we weren't expected to go and to love it like they do.

My in laws are similar OP. I was lucky in that I am stubborn as hell so put my foot down early on when it came to the DC and am quick to rage, so a lot of their truly annoying tendencies were curbed early on. Mine aren't rude though, they are actually aggressively welcoming if that makes sense. Sometimes selfish and very disrespectful/disapproving of our wishes as parents (we are completely normal, btw, they like to wean at 3 months and can't be trusted not to give a baby food/lie him down on a sofa/put him to bed in a snowsuit) so as a result they don't get to have the DC on their own but we see them a lot at other times. We seemed to have worked out a happy way to exist now. They also have family activities they do which I won't let the DC do. They think I'm too controlling (it involves weapons!!!) and I think they are stupid. We openly name call in a jokey way now but there is still no way the DC are doing it.

After 8 years though I think you are flogging a dead horse. Could you try to develop a relationship where you can call them out on it?

It sounds like you had the party your OH's family expected not the one you would of chosen...not sure why posters are accusing you of being OTT..

I was married to a family like this..all talk of being close a faaamly but in reality didnt give too hoots or care..its all for show.

Just put it behind you and in future do what you wish, nit what his family expect

whatwhat I think you're right, I have to try to make something positive from our current differences. I know they think our parenting choices are weird/hippyish too, and they always seem to assume that they are my choices, which I've imposed on my OH. it seems so strange to me that they would underestimate him in this way! You mentioned weapons (real ones?!?!) and I'm dreading the day we have to tell them that my OH and I are not willing for our DCs to have toy guns and weapons. I know already they'll look at me like I've got two heads.

Not really any of our business but such a big party , maybe you coul have had at a weekend time when your dad was not working?
Or did he not want to come ?
The biggest mistajpke was inviting ohms family ...such a palaver them staying in accommodation for a first birthday party ..have to say that's a bit ridiculous .

My father didn't know he would be working until close to the party. Just the nature of his work. The accommodation was their choice alone. There was no expectation that anyone should, or should not attend. There would have been hell to pay had they not been invited. So if it is ridiculous, then it is ridiculous of them. Not me and my OH, and certainly not my parents.

You asked if you were being unreasonable so if you don't think you were unreasonable why ask?

I thought you were a bit U when I saw your first posts. The racist, sexist jokes however should not be tolerated. That goes beyond acceptable and I would be furious if people said things like that in front of my children.

And ignore the hair shirters who think it's unacceptable to have a 1st birthday party. You had a few people round for a house party - it's not like you hired Disneyland and commissioned Mr Tumble for a personal appearance.

The points that selling was making then, 2nds was specifically about my father's absence, which I explained. And accommodation. I didn't ask whether I was BU about people chosing their own accommodation, so I simply made that point to selling. I certainly don't expect everyone to say YANBU, I'm not that naive. But the accommodation issue doesn't seem a very relevant point, to me, I simply mentioned it for background info.

You knew what they are like and you insist that having alcohol (pimms) is still a good idea, and expecting them to bring wine for your mother is all mixed messages. If you don't want people drinking alcohol at your parents house make it alcohol free and stipulate that to everyone.

Hi OP I'm just quite old and lazy now that's the viewpoint I was coming from ! ...and I know I used to go to quite a bit of effort for the children's parties, but looking back I think low key especially for little ones is good.
I'm not criticising you..if you have the time and energy it's great just don't feel obliged to do big things!
.

2nds nobody ever expected it to be a non-drinking event. I'm not sure why you've got that impression? Maybe I have made an error in something I have said. We provided some alcohol because we wanted people to enjoy it, if they wanted it. Nobody went seriously overboard with drinking, I didn't think I had said that was the case. But there is also a difference between having a glass or two of Pimms, and something being a very boozy event. Isn't there? I also haven't insisted that people should have brought wine for my mother, but I do believe it is good manners to bring a gift for the hostess, and I mentioned wine, flowers & chocolates as they are all common choices for such a gift. At least, this is the case in my world.

Reason for dad question was...my fil never used to come I did most of them on my own in the day when dh was at work, a few at the weekends. ( genuine question)

Thank you selling, the is much needed! I think I will be keeping things much more low-key next time around. I'm not old and lazy, I'm young(ish) and lazy