AIBU to feel supremely frustrated by partner's overbearing family?

[OutsiderInTheGarden]

Sorry, long post, really need to vent. I've name changed for this thread.

OH and I have been together 8 years, have a 1 yr old child, and expecting a second. His family is huge, gregarious, loud, and they tend to do things en masse. Mine is much smaller, quieter, we tend to each do our own things, and so social events are much more low key. I have always struggled with them, and I feel like a bit of an alien. OH can't always see my point, but tries to remain supportive and sensitive, and sometimes sees that they can be overbearing.

We just celebrated our child's birthday at my parent's home, which is more convenient for them to travel to than our own. My mum is not in the best health but spent ages prepping, cleaning and cooking an incredible feast. My parents also covered the whole cost, which wasn't insignificant, as we're a bit skint and it was about 30 people.

On the day of the party my OHs family turned up 2 hours late, even though they were staying in accommodation 10 mins drive away. The birthday child was actually napping when they arrived! Some guests did not even say hello to my mum (the hostess) when they arrived and not one single person brought a small gift for the hostess. Personally I think it's the done thing to take a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, bunch of flowers, or something for the hostess.

When my father arrived much later (he had to work and couldn't get out of it) nobody acknowledged him or spoke to him for quite some time. He felt like a stranger in his own home. When they left, they took back all the remaining drinks they had brought with them (we had provided drinks). I know it's a small thing, but I think it's so rude.

This has just left me so, so pissed off. But I recognise that it comes after 8 years of feeling completely out of place with them, and frustrated by how domineering they can be. I can't put it into words very well, but they are like a clan. And I do not like the culture of this clan. My OH knows this, and he is quite different to them on a day-to-day basis, but loves spending time with them. I feel like they want to 'claim' our child for their clan, despite it being obvious that I am very different. They insist he will do certain things as he gets older (things which other young children in their family do) but they aren't things I particularly want him doing, and I have no faith that they will ever ask for my opinion, nor respect it when it's given (I usually make my feelings clear). There are lots of things which are normal in their family which I do not want in a million years becoming the norm for our children.

I am becoming increasingly aware of, and anxious about, the huge difference between the culture of our two families, especially as we are now parents. WIBU to feel so pissed off about the birthday party? AIBU to worry so much about the different family cultures? Any advice on how to manage a scenario like this one?

Thank you Liney.

Sorry, spelling has gone out of the window now!

Outsider I don't blame you, I am stunned at some of the responses supporting their rude behaviour, or finding excuses for it. A family can be big, but not rude or insolent, your further information about their racist and homophobic and inappropriate jokes and humour, would kill it for me. I would be fine with dc seeing them, but with you or your dh around, not alone. I would for myself limit my contact with them, do birthdays separately to your family, and as dc get older, your dh can take them there to visit them.

Thanks Aero. I know I can't wrap our DCs up in cotton wool, and that actually hearing stuff like that is an important learning opportunity to discuss all kinds of issues, but I wish I didn't have to feel so worried about having that influence from within our own family. I do know I have a tendency to be more sensitive though, and I probably overthink a lot of things. Don't even get me started on crappy comments about DS wearing pink socks!

Sexist and racist 'jokes' do put a different spin on things, and would make me limit contact with anyone, even family. However I wouldn't send your partner and child off to see them alone, more sensible to be there to challenge/support you partner in challenging anything beyond the pale.

I'm a big believer in choosing ones battles when it comes to family. Etiquette stuff? Meh. Matter of opinion and best to live and let live. Yet that almost seem like the biggest deal to you (as it was what got detailed in your OP). None of that is so rude that it should be challenged. But sexism and racism should.

Definitely separate events is the way to go, small and quiet birthdays with your parents, and OTT with dh family. How are his parents like? Or just invite his parents brother and sister, and nobody else. Yes DP has to start asserting himself to them, holidays without you are not going to happen etc.

Somerville I think the etiquette stuff from the party (which, yes, is what it was. I guess that's much more important to me than I perhsps realised) was a case of the straw that broke the camel. The disconnect in our cultures (like the awful, ignorant 'jokes') is the bigger issue, and obviously mire difficult. Sorry, I didn't wamt to make my op even longer and more tedious than it already was, but I suppose I also shouldn't drip feed. I just feel like we are from different planets! I honestly don't know where my OH came from, found on the doorstep perhaps? He's different, but not very good at challenging or managing their behaviour.

at your examples!

So what if they'll be hurt if you decline their "kind" offer to have the tiny DC to visit without your or your DP. That's their problem.

they sound awful and overbearing, and most defiantly do not be bullied into letting your child go away with them without you, your child your rules, and it is extremely rude to take home drink you have taken to a party, some people have no manners!!!

sounds horrifically OTT for a 1st birthday party.
Most family and friends I know just had max a couple of babies and their parent over for a short tea party. Maybe the expectations were different on each side.
Also wondering what the DC in your husbands clan do.. Is it quad biking or skate boarding competitions? Karate or kick boxing etc? Lol

Aero in many ways his parents are extremely old fashioned. They're quite a bit older than my parents. They barely talk to one another, in fact his dad barely talks to anyone, ever. When they do talk they are bickering over nonsense. Some of this, but not all, is down to hearing problems in older age. But he's also just a generally mon-communicative person. His mum never stops talking. Usually it is fairly ignorant, ill-informed political stuff. My parents are very aware of their children's strengths and weaknesses, they have never told us or anyone else that we are without fault ir flaw. My MIL believes all her children to be wonderful, perfect specimens, including my OH (we both giggle at this). She also goes on and on about how close and amazing her family is, but whilst they love a good old knees up together, my OH has told me that they have never, ever discussed anything remotely personal or meaningful and that this idea of 'closeness' is a bit of a nonsense.

Selling yes, definately different expectations. Huge expectation on their part which I should not have pandered to. I must learn!
No, not things like skate boarding; our DCs can do anything they want in that sort of arena. There is an expectation that they will spend long holidays with OHs family, without me & my OH. They expect him to be christened, despite what we believe (or don't believe!) They also expect him to spend lots of time at a truly dreadful holiday camp place that they love and have been visiting for donkeys years, but my OH and I absolutely hate and don't actually think it's a terribly great environment for children. But there may well be a touch of snobbery on the part of me & my OH in that last one.

But you let them take alcohol to the party and you invited so many of them so what do you really expect? You said you've been together eight years so you will have known what they were like? And you were also expecting all 30 of them to bring your mum wine etc plus you say your mum also supplied drinks so maybe if you do have another party for your child don't have any alcohol at it? I wouldn't have alcohol at my DCS parties ever, never have never will I just don't see the point of it.

In my book making racist, sexist or homophobic jokes does make you racist, sexist or homophobic. Trying to play the "joke" card makes you a bully too.

You need to talk to your OH, and get him to understand how inappropriate this is. What would he feel if they were there and acted like this in front of his boss (senior management)?

OP - Look, some of the behaviours you mention are not acceptable, I agree with you here (thinking the jokes etc).

If I am being objective, might I just make the point that, from your posts, you come across as somewhat snobbish and condescending towards your IL's? Somewhat judgemental.

Your IL's are different to you, that's all. They live their lives in a different way. Different is not worse, or better, it is different

Your posts come over very much that you think your family and how they live their lives, are 'better'.

I hate that trait, really hate that trait.

I am perfectly happy to be corrected.

And I have just read your last post. Which says it all.

The joke thing isn't acceptable, fully no.

But have a listen to yourself OP, have a listen to yourself.

2nd we provided some alcohol (Pimms and some beers) because I knew it would be expected. It certainly was not expected to be a boozy party. I do not have a problem with people having one or two drinks at a child's birthday party, at home in the garden on a sunny day. I did not 'let' them bring alcohol, how could I stop them? I told them beforehand that all food & drink would be provided in the hope they would not feel the need to bring their own. But in my mind there is a world of difference between taking alcohol to an event to drink yourself, and taking the host/hostess a gift. That gift is sometimes wine, and sometimes flowers, or chocolates, or nice biscuits or any number of things. I also think it is rude, if you have taken drink to a party, to take it back with you. I have never done this in their homes or anyone elses, and I wouldn't. I appreciate these is my standards, and clearly not everyones.

How often do you usually see them? Put your foot down about your dc staying with them and don't worry about it- it is your choice.

My stbexh's family are exactly like your in laws op. They bang on about how close they are, insist on getting together for huge parties and holidays regularly, none of them can do any wrong ever etc etc.The reality is that there is alway a huge argument over something silly at all the family get togethers and none of them really know the first thing about any of the others lives-or rather they only get the edited versions so none of their relationships are based on any sort of truth.
We used to do both sides of the family parties-which were ok but only because my family are quite gregarious and also because they knew the score about h's family and just ignored their behaviour or chose to find it amusing rather than infuriating.
If you are really uncomfortable as pp have said don't do the big family get togethers/don't send your kid for the long expected holiday etc etc.you run the risk of being seen as more of an outcast from their family that way but if you will ultimately be happier then so be it.just remain polite and engaged when you do see them and learn to ignore the sideways looks or the little comments about you not wanting to be part of things-you just have to develop a thicker skin.

The families sound very different. I have been to some birthday parties like this, where there was sweets everywhere, adults drinking lots of alcohol and OTT children's entertainers ..not my thing , but good hearted stuff, just far from the way I like to do things.
I would have found your mums party a bit OTT actually.. Do you think you were trying to compete?

need I don't necessarily have a problem with someone saying I'm a snob. I have no doubt my OHs family believes I am a snob. As I said, I think my OH & I are perhaps a bit snobby about their holiday camp. It's personal preference. I think "judgmental" gets thrown around far too frequently when it's usually a case of different strokes for different folks. But I also think that we should all try hard to assimilate when we're on someone elses 'turf' so to speak. I try hard when I'm on theur turf, because they get to call the shots in their homes and I wouldn't want to upset or offend someone. I felt saddened that I didn't see that effort reciprocated in my parent's home, when they had been very welcoming and made a huge effort.
But ultimately some things are (in my opinion) better or worse, not just different. Them liking a holiday camp is different, not better. We grin and bear it and we make our own choices. But them telling disgusting jokes? Well, it is better not to. Not just opinion, but a case of wrong and right (in my book, at least).

Selling it did end up being a bit OTT, but more from sheer numbers than anything else. The food was voluminous because there was quite a crowd. No entertainer, organised games, party bags or anything like that, phew
I don't think I was trying to compete. I don't actually like the big OTT events. I'll ask my OH and see what he thinks of your theory, he might have a different view! I think I tried too hard to make the party meet their expectations in terms of its size, and they just always seem to create a huge buzz about anything. Again, it's hard not to when you're a naturally loud, big family. I just wish they could have checked some of their behaviour, like I do when I go to events they host. I felt really bad for my mum and dad, and so did my OH.

Is anybody else picturing the engagement party in 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' :)

If you have a son OP, just fast forward 20 years and think about how you would feel if his significant other saw YOU as second class. 50% of marriages end in divorce but your mum is always your mum (abusive situation aside of course)

Agree, their behaviour sounds unpleasant to be around and unsavoury for children

I wouldn't spend any time at all with sexist, racist , homophobic people. I'd insist DP saw them alone. Manners are one thing but that's openly offensive.