AIBU to feel supremely frustrated by partner's overbearing family?

[OutsiderInTheGarden]

Sorry, long post, really need to vent. I've name changed for this thread.

OH and I have been together 8 years, have a 1 yr old child, and expecting a second. His family is huge, gregarious, loud, and they tend to do things en masse. Mine is much smaller, quieter, we tend to each do our own things, and so social events are much more low key. I have always struggled with them, and I feel like a bit of an alien. OH can't always see my point, but tries to remain supportive and sensitive, and sometimes sees that they can be overbearing.

We just celebrated our child's birthday at my parent's home, which is more convenient for them to travel to than our own. My mum is not in the best health but spent ages prepping, cleaning and cooking an incredible feast. My parents also covered the whole cost, which wasn't insignificant, as we're a bit skint and it was about 30 people.

On the day of the party my OHs family turned up 2 hours late, even though they were staying in accommodation 10 mins drive away. The birthday child was actually napping when they arrived! Some guests did not even say hello to my mum (the hostess) when they arrived and not one single person brought a small gift for the hostess. Personally I think it's the done thing to take a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, bunch of flowers, or something for the hostess.

When my father arrived much later (he had to work and couldn't get out of it) nobody acknowledged him or spoke to him for quite some time. He felt like a stranger in his own home. When they left, they took back all the remaining drinks they had brought with them (we had provided drinks). I know it's a small thing, but I think it's so rude.

This has just left me so, so pissed off. But I recognise that it comes after 8 years of feeling completely out of place with them, and frustrated by how domineering they can be. I can't put it into words very well, but they are like a clan. And I do not like the culture of this clan. My OH knows this, and he is quite different to them on a day-to-day basis, but loves spending time with them. I feel like they want to 'claim' our child for their clan, despite it being obvious that I am very different. They insist he will do certain things as he gets older (things which other young children in their family do) but they aren't things I particularly want him doing, and I have no faith that they will ever ask for my opinion, nor respect it when it's given (I usually make my feelings clear). There are lots of things which are normal in their family which I do not want in a million years becoming the norm for our children.

I am becoming increasingly aware of, and anxious about, the huge difference between the culture of our two families, especially as we are now parents. WIBU to feel so pissed off about the birthday party? AIBU to worry so much about the different family cultures? Any advice on how to manage a scenario like this one?

I have never had a birthday party for one of my children with both sides of the family there! I'd knock that on the head ASAP. It doesn't sound like you live near either of them so that should be easy. See your mum on the child's birthday itself and then pop to see your in laws on the nearest Saturday or something. Then you can leave when you want. In years to come you'll be doing parties for school friends at laser quest or soft play so won't be inviting everyone to every celebration you do.

Yes, some things they did were rude, I agree, but take control of the situation without being rude yourself.

It was a lot of fuss, more than I would have liked Because family is spread across the country it does tend to happen that every possible event becomes a huge deal, because it's an opportunity to gather, which they always want to do at every opportunity. They see themselves as an extremely close family, though my OH thinks this is a bit of a myth.
Junebirthday no I'm not talking about things like your rugby vs cricket example. Well maybe there are a few of those things, but I don't see them as problematic.
bran being totally honest, yes I do favour my parents over PILs. I feel comfortable with my parents, and uncomfortable with my PILs. My parents live 4 hours closer to us, so this obviously means we see them more often too. I don't think this is the cause of any awkwardness between the families though. For starters I think OHs family are largely unaware of the awkwardness, but my family does feel very out of place. The families don't meet that often, but when they do my parents feel uncomfortable. I see OHs family fairly often, but rarely with my parents or siblings. I think the awkardness me & my parents feel was inevitable because honestly we are like chalk and cheese, and possible quite sensitive to social awkwardness. I am certainly not rude to my OHs family, and I do try to not look uncomfortable, and I only give my opionion when it's asked for, or if something is a really big deal (too big to compromise on). So I don't think I rattle cages just for the hell of it.

The making everything a huge extendes family event is mad: if you don't want to do that, don't!

I can see Christmas (until he is 18) being a headache!

What sort of things do young children do in that family that you wouldn't want your kids to do?

Dozer I feel like it's out of my control. They expect a big knees up for pretty much every birthday, significant anniversaries, graduations, etc. Everybody comes! This party was small & simple by their standards. That's not how I would chose to do it. Our DCs 1st birthday was a huge deal to them, more so than me & my partner . Maybe people here are right and separate events are the way forward. Quiet and low-key with my family, huge & OTT for my OHs!

Luckily Christmas isn't a huge thing. People do their own thing in their own home. New Year is a big deal to them, but not to me or my parents, so we always go to them and they have a massive party. So there's no conflict there. Phew!

I agree with most others. I think you're taking some fairly innocuous behaviour too personally and seriously because you are intimidated/dislike your in laws.
They were not obliged to bring gifts for your mum, or to stop what they were doing/saying to jump up and greet your dad when he appeared in his own house. If there were 30 people there (what a palaver!) it would have been busy and noisy and they were just some people among many that your dad had to meet and greet. I'd have held off bombarding him with hellos myself.
Think you're allowing your personal feelings to cloud your judgement here. Sorry. x

You are not obliged to do as they wish

No, I'm not obliged. I am not a wallflower by any stretch of the imagination but I think I'm going to have to learn to say no more often. I suspect it'll make me even more of an outsider though. Hey ho.

pictish you could be right. I think what you say about me intimidated is definately right; I am not comfortable in big social situations, I feel very overwhelmed, and I also hate to be organised or told what to do by anyone else, which happens a LOT with them. So I am intimidated. I think you're also right about me just not liking them, if I'm honest. It feels so dreadful to say that, and I wish it wasn't true. I have tried for 8 years, but I still feel as unconfortable as I did on day one.

What exactly is it that they'll expect your child to do that you don't want him to do?

Are we talking Scottish country dancing, football, 5am swim club?

They sound rude and I'll mannered, two hours late without any contact or apology, is unacceptable, not even greeting the host and making an effort to be friendly and polite when your in some bodies is also not acceptable. If I were yiur mum, it would be the first and last time I host a bunch of rude and impolite people. I woukd definitely keep my distance.

You and your dh are the parents, you get to say tge stuff they do, not his family.

What about your DP? He should back you up and not make it that "outsider doesn't want to" but "that doesn't work for us", "we're doing X" etc.

Yes...they are a very different kettle of fish to your lot.

I think you could be doing with asserting yourself and learning to say things like, "Thank you for the suggestion/offer, it's very kind of you, but we have already decided to...."

I imagine they do sweep everyone up in their collective force but you are allowed to decline, change your mind, make your own plans, do things your own way too. There is a compromise to be had. You and dh should reach a decision about stuff and he should support you in sticking to what you have agreed. It's not right to allow them to roughshod over the top of you just because they are legion. I do understand why you feel as you do.

But on this one you are projecting because you feel overpowered by them. They didn't really do anything badly wrong.

Let the party go and don't dwell on it.

Your DC will be bought up to have both manners and appreciation, and certainly live in a day to day environment with you where these things are the norm.

If you feel they are coercing DC into certain activities and hobbies later on, that he/she doesn't want to do then you speak up and support your own decisions.

Liney it's mostly things like expecting that he will go and spend holidays of 1 or 2 weeks at a time with my PILs up north, or with his aunt & uncle, without me and my OH. This is normal for other young children in the family (from about 2.5 or 3 yrs onwards) and it happens numerous times each year. Both my OH and I have agreed we don't want this, for several reasobs. We don't think his parents are up to it because they're too old. We know our DC will eat rubbish food for the duration of his stay. He would probably have unlimited tv. And most importantly, we're not having a family only to spend holidays away from our children. We want them with us, whether that's at home for holidays or away. But this is expected, regardless of what we might want. It's already been mentioned several times, though we haven't yet told them it's not going to happen. I expect the reaction will not be good, and they will feel hurt. We should nip that expectation in the bud, I know.
There was also a little ding dong with my MIL about their expectations about our DC being Christened. My OH and I are atheists. It didn't go down well. I already have reason to suspect she would sneak him off to church for a blessing (though not a christening, obviously she wouldn't be able to do that) if she had an opportunity, despite it being distinctly against our wishes.

I've got a big, mad, infuriating clan and DP has a small, quiet family.

There were inevitable meetings when DS was born and for his first birthday but since then we just don't mix them. I find it embarrassing and awkward and its just so much easier to see them separately.

Absolutely no common ground at all. Why bother.

Aero I know my mum was a bit stunned by some of the behaviour, but she is so welcoming and wants to please people, she's already said we're very welcome to host any other events at her home. I have already made up my mind that it will not be happening again!

And the holidays are a non issue op. If you don't want your DS to go then that's that. There's no awkwardness for you to handle, it's your DP 's job as it's his blooming family.

Thanks for that Morris, my OH does sometimes feel embarassed by the loudness and brashness! I do feel for him. Out of everyone he is the most stuck in the middle of it all.

OP your situation does echo some memories of mine, when I was married and the children were very little.

I think your DH should tell them about the non-holidays and the non-christening as soon as possible, and stress that these are your family 'traditions' and that they're not a snub, they're just what reflect you both as a married couple and new family unit.

Good luck.

And the being two hours late was really rude btw.

OP I know it doesn't feel like it now, but there may well come a time (in fact, I'd bet on it) where you will welcome the chance of a week off from parenting duties with open arms. Your baby is only one and it seems an alien concept now, but yeah...don't be too quick to dismiss the notion yet. One day you might be very grateful for the offer.

There are other luttle things that niggle me too. For instance, it's completely normal to tell extremely rude, age-inappropriate jokes in front of anyone in my OHs family. I'm talking blatantly sexist, sometimes homophibic, sometimes racist jokes. I know this is supposed to be 'funny' and I doubt any of them really are racist or homophobic, though some are definately sexist. But I hate this stuff being said around children. I don't want our DCs hearing that amd thinking it's ok because uncle so-and-so says it's a joke. It really makes me fume. There were several sexist comments, apparently meant to be 'funny' at the party the other day. My DC obvioisly doesn't understand yet, but the 7 year old girls did, and my DC will too, soon.