fed up of very selfish husband!

[user1461609321]

Hi everyone

Sorry for long post but please bear with me. As the title suggests really, I'm just feeling really fed up with my marriage at the moment and as though I have put my dreams etc on hold for my husband.

I am only 30 have two little girls and ever since I got married 10 years ago my husband has refused to work (bar one year) and instead insists on trying to build a business which to date is still not making any money!

To everyone else he appears successful eg his family live abroad where the business is based and he is constantly flying back and forth giving the impression that we have more money than we really do.

He travels every 6 weeks staying away between 6 weeks to 3 months at a time; leaving me to hold down a stressful full time job, do school runs across two different boroughs and care for the children!

I am splitting my pay in half to fund the business then using the other half of the money to pay all of the rent, and bills.

As he is not making any money, He doesn't contribute when kids need uniforms etc and yet portrays himself as living sacrificially for the family eg I am trying to build a business so that our lives can be better in the future

Due to me needing to make a high salary to pay for everything I have to locum and so don't get annual leave etc

I find him selfish and whilst he can be hands on with the kids when he is home, I am still doing the majority of everything in the house etc

We're currently living in a one bedroom property which is clearly too small for purpose which makes me feel like even more of a failure as I can't give my children the type of home they deserve despite the fact that if I were not funding the business then I would have more disposable income to choose a nicer place to live

I just feel incredibly resentful of him these days and fantasise about starting again on my own, only I am a Muslim and not wishing to split up my family as the girls are so attached to their father.

I get so jealous of SAHM's with a working husband as all I've ever wanted to do was take care of my children without so much additional stress.

My life just feels so difficult in comparison to that of other women I see and as my husband refuses to give up the business etc I am at a loss of what to do.

I know everyone makes sacrifices for their families, however right now it feels like for so long I've been the one making the most sacrifices and am pretty sure that my husband would not do the same for me if things were reversed.

Please advise and thank you for reading!

I have to say I immediately thought he had another family overseas. I would make a surprise trip if I were u. Oh and stop funding his lifestyle/ other family sorry business. Buy yourself and your kids somewhere suitable to live ( without that man)

Hi I am Muslim also. Is he practicing? Because he should know that it is his responsibility to provide for you and not the other way around. I also agree that it sounds like he has a second wife and is using your money to provide for her.
It doesn't sound like you are getting anything from this marriage and he is getting everything. It already sounds like you are a single mum so if you did break up it wouldn't be such a shock to your system.

If you have a joint account, here's an idea. Get a new bank account in your sole name, and get your wages paid into there, leaving the other account with zero. Move your direct debits over too, except the one that finds him (if there is one).
Give notice on your property, and get something more suitable for you and your dc.

Happy days

I agree with everyone on this thread. He's taking you for a ride. You don't have to fund his clearly pointless business any more, you never should have had to in the first place.
Quick point though - if you decide to confront him make sure you've got hold of and have well hidden all the important paperwork like birth certificates of your children and passports if they have them.

Sorry, OP, I think this sounds a whole lot worse than just selfish. This is a business that you are investing half your salary in. To earn that money, you are working really hard and have to spend more time than you would like away from your girls. As the major investor, you should be scrutinising this 'business' really thoroughly. Are you doing this - have you seen any accounts. I know that you don't have to provide all the info here but do you even know much about this business? You need to find out quickly before things get any worse.

I wouldnt worry about your children OP. They are likely used to have a less than part time father if he goes away so often.

I'm sure he has another family, otherwise why would he want you to buy a property in a country you'd have no rights in. Its for them to live in. Oh and his employees are probably his wife and in laws.

Get rid of the parasite.

The likelihood is that you are funding his other family in his home country.

If a business is not turning a profit after a few years then it's not a business, it's an expensive and time consuming hobby.

The reality is that he's away with his other family that much that your children really won't notice a difference if you're no longer in a relationship with him.

Stop being a mug.

Start having your salary paid into your own account, cover your rent, bills and yours and the children's costs and don't give him another penny.

I am married to a Muslim so I have a small insight into the cultural pressures. Stop and think for a minute what his duties as a husband would be under Islam. Is he fulfilling them? What is he doing to support the family if he isn't around most of the time and isn't contributing financially?
His contribution doesn't have to be financial in my view but he does have to make a contribution in some form. My DH didn't work for a couple of years whilst I supported the family financially but he was renovating a house for us to live in so was contributing that way. His work flow is lumpy and during the times when he isn't working he takes over the bulk of the household chores.

He is a freeloader and he is taking advantage of you.

Sorry, OP but I think after all this time, his business IS making a profit, he is just lying to you and diverting that profit to himself, his relatives, maybe another family. You are not seeing a penny because that is his decision. Have you thought about skyping his mum and talking to her about the situation? She might be key to persuading him to change things. She might not know what is going in the UK, and how her son is not supporting his family. Or even his dad?

How are you feeling OP? You must be in quite a turmoil.

Get rid!
Your DC will adapt. You will all have a better standard of life.
They need more room and a stable family life. If he is often away for weeks or months at a time then they won't even be affected that much - if he actually can be bothered they might even see more of him.

When you've got rid, do the Freedom Course and sort out why you ever got involved with such a sponger. (I once didn't move into a shared house because I could see in 5 minutes that the guy who owned it was all talk and no action, his girlfriend didn't seem to see that.)

OK, you don't want to break up the marriage over this.

BUT, you need to stop funding the business - he needs to get that working himself.

The money that you earn, through your hard work and sacrifices, needs to be used for the good of the family. Which means getting decent housing for you and the DCs, and having capacity for DH when he is around. Which means being able to provide for adequate clothes and facilities for DCs, like extra curricular activities, ensuring a good education, keeping them well fed with good food, supporting their development into fully formed adults in due course.

That money also needs to provide for the future, your pension, perhaps college funds for DCs, looking at property where you and the family live if that's what you want.

It should also allow you and the DCs to enjoy life a little - not scrimping and sacrificing for the absent DH.

I am not saying that you need to see the marriage as being over. But I am very clearly saying that you should stop funding DH's business and absolutely NOT consider buying any property anywhere else until you already have a property for the family to live in - and that family property should be what and where you and the DCs want it, and where you are settled, and meeting YOUR needs, first and foremost.

I think this marriage will disintegrate eventually anyway, whether you want it to or not. The DCs are growing up, will see it all soon enough and be super-resentful. DCs cost money to raise. Most good experiences you want to give them will entail at least spending some money.

At which time you will be broke, and no-one can function on broke. You get no thanks for being a martyr to a man in this life. DCs may not think about the sacrifices you made for them at all - thats if you are able to sacrifice for them whilst financing a grown man. They are very likely to think your man was far more important than them, and you are going to have to just lie in the bed of yours and his making.

I can't see how you will last when the money runs out and you hit poverty tbh, if you are going to stay. So you may not have a choice re your marriage ending, a case of when rather than if

What would you advise one of your daughters to do if they came to you and admitted this was the reality of their "married" life?

There is one thing I'd like to say, if you take steps to end your marriage or withdraw the financing and then it breaks down it has absolutely nothing to do with lack of effort from YOU.

For 10 years you have been basically throwing half your salary away. Add it all together - wouldn't this have been better as an investment for gor girls' future?

As others said - stop funding. If the business is not bringing in any money in 10 years, it will never bring in any money. If he claims that he is so close to being profitable, he can take his business plan to a bank and get the money from them. Surely no problem, if this is true.

If he is a good father (while disappearing months at the time) he can continue even if you're separated. You can afford to cut down your hours or hire help to help with your workload and stress though.

Coming back to this thread, I think what you need to consider is that you are, fundamentally, a single mother on a reduced salary.

This marriage you are trying to save is not a marriage. He has not contributed financially to your household for nine years and, by your description of his traveling, I would suspect that he hasn't actually inhabited the same house as you for at least 50 percent of the time you have been married -- possibly a lot more.

And it is not as though he works away and funds himself, but brings you a stack of money once a year (this kind of set-up was common in my parts of my DH's homeland in the 19th century). You are funding him.

On all levels, your set-up is just wrong -- and I think religion is being used to cloud your judgement here. In some respects, you would have a religious argument for divorce on the grounds that he does not behave Islamically because he doesn't fund your household.

Firstly I thought you were my colleague. Just heard the same story from her. She has 2 dc. Been paying for a freeloader for past 17yrs. She is very well educated, senior position in company and she pays for everything. He keeps trying but not setting up businesses makes no attempt to get a job. They are now divorcing. She has had enough. They are both Muslim. Not that that should matter.secondly being Muslim doesn't mean u become oppressed in your marriage!!! Stand up for your self and for your daughters sake. Is this what u want them to see? And unfortunately if he is spending up to 3mths away he is more than likely to have a second wife.
Lastly, if he was any kind f Muslim he should know it's his responsibility to provide financially for his family and if his wife works and contributes then that is seen as a charity on her behalf. And that islamically anything you earn is 100 % all yours. As he is neither providing for you or your children, Is farming you out to work while he lives a easy lifestyle, is using YOUR money to live his life then there is grounds for Khula (women's divorce) you do not need him to give u the talaq (certain masjid will act on his behalf if he refuses the process and divorce you). In UK law get all your papers in order,how u have financially done everything and he has done jack shit. Then go speak to a solicitor and see what your case is. You are better on your won then with this creep.

Sorry just rtft. My mum was/is single parent as was my Mil. My siblings and I are all highly educated professional. If my mum who was uneducated managed to get some backbone 30 years ago in a hostile community for the betterment of us girls then I think with you being educated qualified and having a job and it being a different era now can do better for your girls. Do NOT buy property abroad. U will have zero rights and it will be a money pit. We never missed out on our father he was very much he abroad business man type. (Has never put a penny towards our upbringin)....oh and yes he had a second family out there as well. We are well rid!