Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of very selfish husband!

93 replies

user1461609321 · 19/06/2016 22:08

Hi everyone

Sorry for long post but please bear with me. As the title suggests really, I'm just feeling really fed up with my marriage at the moment and as though I have put my dreams etc on hold for my husband.

I am only 30 have two little girls and ever since I got married 10 years ago my husband has refused to work (bar one year) and instead insists on trying to build a business which to date is still not making any money!

To everyone else he appears successful eg his family live abroad where the business is based and he is constantly flying back and forth giving the impression that we have more money than we really do.

He travels every 6 weeks staying away between 6 weeks to 3 months at a time; leaving me to hold down a stressful full time job, do school runs across two different boroughs and care for the children!

I am splitting my pay in half to fund the business then using the other half of the money to pay all of the rent, and bills.

As he is not making any money, He doesn't contribute when kids need uniforms etc and yet portrays himself as living sacrificially for the family eg I am trying to build a business so that our lives can be better in the future

Due to me needing to make a high salary to pay for everything I have to locum and so don't get annual leave etc

I find him selfish and whilst he can be hands on with the kids when he is home, I am still doing the majority of everything in the house etc

We're currently living in a one bedroom property which is clearly too small for purpose which makes me feel like even more of a failure as I can't give my children the type of home they deserve despite the fact that if I were not funding the business then I would have more disposable income to choose a nicer place to live

I just feel incredibly resentful of him these days and fantasise about starting again on my own, only I am a Muslim and not wishing to split up my family as the girls are so attached to their father.

I get so jealous of SAHM's with a working husband as all I've ever wanted to do was take care of my children without so much additional stress.

My life just feels so difficult in comparison to that of other women I see and as my husband refuses to give up the business etc I am at a loss of what to do.

I know everyone makes sacrifices for their families, however right now it feels like for so long I've been the one making the most sacrifices and am pretty sure that my husband would not do the same for me if things were reversed.

Please advise and thank you for reading!

OP posts:
LaBelleOtero · 19/06/2016 23:11

TEN YEARS and his business is still not turning a profit??

How involved with it are you? (Probably not very considering you are carrying the entire burden of childcare and wage earning for both of you.)

Look at the books. He may be an incompetent businessman in which case you need to consider whether you want to continue thanklessly subsidizing his life for the next three or four decades. Don't let this drag on, you only get one life!

Original poster
user1461609321 · 19/06/2016 23:13

Hi everyone

He has been unemployed for 9 years whilst this travelling back and forth has been happening for only one year once I began working with an agency and getting double of my previous salary. Hope that makes sense

I'm so scared of things changing for my kids and in the beginning I really believed that the business 'could' make money, now I'm not so sure

Have tried speaking to my husband several times about this issue but things just escalate into an argument with him telling me to 'just do what I want', in the end it seems that he clearly has an interest in maintaining the status quo.

He has now taken on staff in his own country whose salary I will again be funding.

Just feel fed up and trapped!

Was fantasising about cutting contact when he is next away and moving somewhere new to begin a new life without him

OP posts:
linspins · 19/06/2016 23:15

Do it!
Start fresh, use your own money for you and the kids.

TheSockGoblin · 19/06/2016 23:17

Do it. Move away and cut him off. your kids barely see him as it is it seems and no decent father would happily swan off for up to three months at a time leaving his wife and two daughters to what? share one bedroom?

Thats no sort of life for you or for them.

it's in your childrens bests interests to leave him and stop letting him bleed you dry. There is no way he gives a crap about you or your daughters to treat you this way. No way at all.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/06/2016 23:17

You might be a Muslim so separating and divorce might not be palatable to you but what kind of Muslim is he? One who parasites off his wife and constantly swans off abroad while pretending that he's making a decent living. That's not common in your religious or cultural background, is it?

I could understand him wanting to develop this business but not taking half of your income while he's trying to do it. FOR TEN YEARS! He's taking the piss put of you and has been doing it FOR TEN LONG YEARS. He refuses to give up his business eh? Well, he'll have to once you pull the plug and stop funding his luxury life-style.

Pay attention to what ImperialBlether has suggested. It's precisely what he deserves.

Your children can remain attached to him while he's living elsewhere. For goodness sake he's living elsewhere for most of the time now anyway.

Akire · 19/06/2016 23:20

if he wants to try business that's up to him, but you should not be funding it and paying all other bills and doing all wife work.

If he wants to slog away on other country for no pay and live with his family in hope of making profit that's one thing- but after 10y it's probable time to see reality.

If the business real has a future he can get a job even on min wage for a year or two then fund it himself. Or get w job any job and allow your family to at least move into a two bed.

Oliviaerinpope · 19/06/2016 23:20

Do it - you and your girls are your priority. Is your house rented, mortgages or paid off? Would you need to move away from your family.

I have a feeling we do the same job, I've been considering agency work. If you're working that hard, you and your girls should at least benefit from it.

Original poster
user1461609321 · 19/06/2016 23:23

House is rented, he is even trying to talk me into buying a property in his country though I would have no rights to the property as have no legal standing there Hmm

OP posts:
serin · 19/06/2016 23:23

If you are able to work as a locum you are clearly a professional in your own right and should be enjoying a nice standard of living. You and your children deserve better than being squashed into a one bedroomed property.

What do your own family think? have you told them what your home situation is like? Are you absolutely sure that he isn't supporting another partner using your money?

Akire · 19/06/2016 23:25

How much does half your income but in another country? What could he be possible spending the money on?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/06/2016 23:25

If you are the only one putting money in to this business, you have every right to make all the decisions. Including on whether You take on more staff, or whether you want to continue the business.

As a rule of thumb, people often say you might get nothing out of a new business for up to two years, depending on the nature of the business. Up to two years. Max. Not 10.

Original poster
user1461609321 · 19/06/2016 23:26

My own family (or his) know our reality as trying to protect his pride.

I do believe that he stays with his parents when away as we Skype at all times of the day and often speak to his mum etc on Skype

OP posts:
Original poster
user1461609321 · 19/06/2016 23:27
  • meant to write don't know our reality!
OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/06/2016 23:27

Do not buy him property.

This is reading like he is taking you for an absolute ride.

Oliviaerinpope · 19/06/2016 23:27

He's taking advantage of you, make a list of reasons to stay/ go. I'm pretty sure it'll conclude you should leave. Make a plan and put it into action next time he goes. Very best of luck to you OP Flowers

AyeAmarok · 19/06/2016 23:28

Why can't you just say "I won't be funding your business anymore, I'm going to spend that money on giving our children a good life instead"?

bakeoffcake · 19/06/2016 23:28

Gosh why on earth would anyone put up with that behaviour for so long? Please listen to what your head is telling you.

Leave.

Oliviaerinpope · 19/06/2016 23:29

How will your family respond to you making a decision to move away?

SanityClause · 19/06/2016 23:29

As I understand it, as a married Muslim woman, your money is your own.

Obviously, in the UK, if you divorced, all marital assets are deemed to be jointly owned, but then a court would take into account the needs of the children, so actually, he would be likely to get very little.

He is in a very precarious financial position.

The only thing keeping him hanging on by a thread are social conventions.

When he says "do what you want", you need to realise that you have a very real choice.

Your children do not have to lose a father. He will be able to spend as much time with them as he wants to, up to 50% (does it sound likely?).

Seriously, he needs you much more than you need him.

Akire · 19/06/2016 23:31

By the time this business makes any money say another 5y your girls would have spent most of their childhood squished in one bed, hardly seeing their father and hardly seeing you! If he really wants to give them a future it starts now- get a job on min wage if necessary do all childcare and school run and everyone's quality of live goes up (presuming you can face living with him!)

Original poster
user1461609321 · 19/06/2016 23:33

I think they would support me leaving him. Just worried about the impact on my children of the separation as they adore their father.

I also really wanted my marriage to work! I keep telling myself that life can be so unexpected eg tomorrow the business may pick up and life may then be better for me though I am getting more and more tired of this arrangement

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/06/2016 23:33

You can live pretty high-on-the-hog on half a locum's salary in some countries I can think of. Just because they are Muslims doesn't necessarily mean their origins are in the Indian sub-continent but a tenner there can probably feed you for a week.

He's bloody dreaming if he thinks he can persuade you to buy a house there, ISN'T HE? He's bloody brazen, I'll give him that

MistressDeeCee · 19/06/2016 23:34

He is a parasite and he is also supporting another family on your money. Its blatantly obvious this is whats going on

Do you have anyone who can speak to him at all? His father, a religious leader etc?

You had better think ahead or in 10 years time you'll still be sitting in a 1 bed flat with 2 fast growing children, and you will be resentful at all you did not give them, all the opportunities you could not open up for them, because you are throwing money at a grown man

arethereanyleftatall · 19/06/2016 23:39

The business won't pick up tomorrow.

It more than likely doesn't exist.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/06/2016 23:40

They don't see their father for up to 3 months at a time though. As it currently stands?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread