fed up of very selfish husband!

[user1461609321]

Hi everyone

Sorry for long post but please bear with me. As the title suggests really, I'm just feeling really fed up with my marriage at the moment and as though I have put my dreams etc on hold for my husband.

I am only 30 have two little girls and ever since I got married 10 years ago my husband has refused to work (bar one year) and instead insists on trying to build a business which to date is still not making any money!

To everyone else he appears successful eg his family live abroad where the business is based and he is constantly flying back and forth giving the impression that we have more money than we really do.

He travels every 6 weeks staying away between 6 weeks to 3 months at a time; leaving me to hold down a stressful full time job, do school runs across two different boroughs and care for the children!

I am splitting my pay in half to fund the business then using the other half of the money to pay all of the rent, and bills.

As he is not making any money, He doesn't contribute when kids need uniforms etc and yet portrays himself as living sacrificially for the family eg I am trying to build a business so that our lives can be better in the future

Due to me needing to make a high salary to pay for everything I have to locum and so don't get annual leave etc

I find him selfish and whilst he can be hands on with the kids when he is home, I am still doing the majority of everything in the house etc

We're currently living in a one bedroom property which is clearly too small for purpose which makes me feel like even more of a failure as I can't give my children the type of home they deserve despite the fact that if I were not funding the business then I would have more disposable income to choose a nicer place to live

I just feel incredibly resentful of him these days and fantasise about starting again on my own, only I am a Muslim and not wishing to split up my family as the girls are so attached to their father.

I get so jealous of SAHM's with a working husband as all I've ever wanted to do was take care of my children without so much additional stress.

My life just feels so difficult in comparison to that of other women I see and as my husband refuses to give up the business etc I am at a loss of what to do.

I know everyone makes sacrifices for their families, however right now it feels like for so long I've been the one making the most sacrifices and am pretty sure that my husband would not do the same for me if things were reversed.

Please advise and thank you for reading!

It's really hard, but he can still be a good father to the girls. What he does next will depend on whether the girls continue to adore him or not, that will be his choice - not yours. You're not responsible for him.

If your family will support you, that will make a huge difference. Go and talk to them, be honest and you might be able to make a clearer decision.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but you need to ensure that you've legally formalised the living arrangements for your girls and that YOU have their passports - perhaps even before you tell him your plan -Just in case

Start planning your exit now. Look into getting a suitable home for you and your DCs. He is having a laugh at your expense! He can have contact when he is at home with them. He needs to grow up! Your dcs will be better off - without paying towards the business you will have more money, can afford a bigger home, you already have a full time job and do the school runs and look after him while he swans off! I think you already know the answer. CUT HIM OFF!

This post seems a bit strange. What does being Muslim have to do with anything?

I think it's more a culture thing.

Don't worry about the DC
They don't know yet their father is a useless sponger but they will find out eventually
I also think the business isn't real
He might have another woman you're funding but I'm sure you've thought of that
Stop the money, get a divorce lawyer

It's frowned upon to get divorced in some cultures.

I have a Muslim friend who divorced her husband for being like this - using her income to pay mortgage, bills, childcare and to fund his business.
There's no need for you to put up with this.

Do you have a relationship with him when he is at home? As a couple? As a family? I'm not seeing that coming across in your posts. Sorry OP for me that is not a marriage, he seems like a man child. His priories are with himself. I hope you will find a route to make you happy, you don't deserve the stress

Fiona, yes, and many people do it anyway, you'd never get anything done at all worrying about that shite.

I also really wanted my marriage to work!

It still might but you have to start setting boundaries. Tell him straight up that you need to move your family into more suitable accommodation and can no longer fund his business. Even give him a month or two of notice if that feels like something you need to do. Then start looking at more suitable properties in your area, search online attend viewings, really get your mind set on the idea of getting a bigger place. If your children are old enough to understand, then tell them about it and let them get excited about it. That way he will have no chance of changing your mind. Your family deserves to live in the home you can afford for them, the lifestyle you can give them. Not to have half the money pissed away on your husband's notions.

You never know, after he's done complaining and getting angry and crying and threatening and all of the other emotional manipulation that I believe he will try. He might actually realise that not wasting so much money is actually better and your marriage could be all the better for it.

Lots of Muslims get divorced. It's nit shameful - well it is for him but frankly he's such a fuckwit what does he expect?

You should have no guilt whatsoever, and enough is enough. Stop funding his jaunts and his business and take your girls off to centre parcs or something without him hanging round sponging off you, because that is what he is doing.

You'll be more than fine without him. And don't bother trying to have the talk with him either again, he thinks you're married so you have to put up with his shit. It hasn't occured to him you won't.

File for divorce, hide your daughters passports at the solicitors. He thinks you're his cash cow. Tell him next time he is away you've lost your job and can't work. With any luck he won't come back and you can divorce quickly. Still hide the passports. The Hague convention isn't applicable in many countries. Do not allow him to take the DC on hols alone in the meantime etc.

Being a Muslim makes it much harder to separate after marriage. It actually isn't anything to do with Islam, but with the culture that has grown up around it.

However, OPs DH is milking the culture for all he's worth, it sounds like he's expecting you to accede to everything he's doing because 'he's the man'. Remember that he might claim the culture, but he doesn't have the Quran on his side, not by a long way.

OP he really sounds like he's going to clean you out given half a chance. This "business" that you've been funding, and are now expected to put more into - have you EVER seen any accounts to know how your money is being spent?

Just tell him it stops now, that you are no longer going to fund the business. And say what you would actually like to happen between you - like him being full-time in this country for a start.

If he says 'OK I see your point' and goes and gets a job, great. If he redoubles his efforts and makes a success of the business, well that's something. If he throws an enormous tantrum and leaves you, his choice. If his parents misguidedly start supporting him, their choice.

Make one decision at a time IMO.

Darling, his business is in the field of "poncing off a woman". Or two women, assuming his mother pays out too. As businesses go, it's very successful.

You are not a slot machine. Stop paying.

You wanted your marriage to work ... Everybody wants their marriage to work! Sadly for you, this marriage is only working for one spouse - who gets to not be married for half the year, so who's actually in this marriage? Oh, yes - you! By yourself.

I think you must stop funding him. If he can't make money, he isn't in business: it's a hobby. Stop letting him play all the time, and see whether he is capable of working. I fear you'll find he's not - he's been unemployed for 10 years, during which time he became responsible for two children. He's ignoring those responsibilities as he's ignoring everything else - as long as you pay. What, exactly, are you paying for?

While admitting I haven't spoken to many imams, the ones I have talked to would say he isn't a husband to you. Have you asked??

Is there no one in your own family you can confide in, parents or siblings?

This is clearly a ridiculous situation and cannot continue just for the sake of hi pride. You need someone on your side to reason with your DH, and make him understand he is risking his marriage for this crazy fantasy.

By allowing him to act like a single man without any financial responsibilities you are condemning his children to live in completely unsuitable housing and to spend longer hours in childcare as you work extra to help support his boy toy business.

Don't they deserve at least one parent who will put their needs first rather than last ?

You have 2 girls. What they are learning is what you teach them.

Do you really want them to grow up thinking this is the norm.

You worked very hard to get the qualifications to get a high paying job. It should be a nice comfy life with a nice home for your daughters.

This business funding has to stop. At first I can understand supporting your husband because it would be a normal thing to do. However it is ever going to make a profit because it would have by now.

Take it one step at a time. Pull the funds. Tell him that's over. Even if he makes no money here at least he wouldn't be wasting money travelling etc. Let him do child care. Just keep saying it's not working. Get a two bedroom house at least. You are obviously an intelligent woman. He is completely having you on. End that part. Get a proper house and see where it goes from there. Don't get into too much explaining. Just say lm sorry it's just not working out. THATS IT. Keep posting here for the support. You are a marvellous woman who has managed to carve out a good career. You can support yourself and your children so he has no financial control over you which puts you in a very strong position. You have all our permission to stop supporting that stupid business of his. Just do it.

What is his business and why does he need staff? He's not made any money in 9 years and it's costing you hundreds a week. Not much of a businessman is he if he thinks that consistently losing money is a great use of his time.

I'm a bit worried about his home country becoming home again for him in his head OP. If you buy a house and he is there so much of the time and you are renting where you are then could he not say that he'd like you all together in his country? If that happened you would have no rights to the property you bought and he would maybe get rights over the children which could stop you bringing them home. A lot of this depends on where his country is but the situation is waving a 'slippery slope' red flag at me.

I think the advice you are getting to stop supporting his lifestyle choices business with your income is good. And so is the advice to put you and the DDs first. A home that is truly big enough for you, if you can afford it with your whole income, is a priority.

Stop funding the "business". That way you can afford to either stop being a locum or to get a bigger home. And if you make either one of these changes he won't be able to talk you into refunding the "business" as the money won't be there. Keep your wages in a separate account so that he cannot use them to fund the "business".
And it's not really a business - a business is financially viable not something someone else works to pay for. That's a hobby. If instead of a "business" he (for example) played an expensive sport as a hobby and didn't do any wage-earning work, nobody would consider it ok for him to expect you to work a job you don't enjoy and live in a smaller house just to fund his sporting hobby. Nobody would think it was reasonable for him to go away for weeks at a time to participate in his sporting hobby that you were paying for. And you'd be a mug to not pull your funding from his sporting hobby.

You don't have to divorce right now. Baby steps and all that. But turn the Taps off. Set up your own account and get your pay put in that. If you are feeling very generous, you can put pin money in his account/your joint account.

However, I wouldn't do this for too long as I can guarantee he will start doing this like taking out loans and credit card debt. See it as a way to take some control and take the first step to leaving.

You can take back control and have your marriage work! He's reliant on you! Tell him you've had enough and will not support his business any longer because it's not making a profit and you have suffered for nearly a decade. You too wanted to see his business flourish but what wife will stand beside her husband as he wastes time and money on chasing a dream and not try to save him from himself. Take back your hard earned cash girl!

And please do not buy the house abroad!!!!

Sounds like he has another family elsewhere as the travel is very strange. You need to have a serious chat re money, job and the time he spends away from his family. Why does he go and whats he doing?

I agree that it sounds like he is funding another family. He is leeching off you. Turn the supply off.