To want nothing more to do with mil if she keeps saying this?

[Throughautomaticdoors]

NC as identifying details...

Firstly let me start by saying dh's dad - I will call him Mike - died around a year ago. Of course MiL was understandably very upset and was worried about Christmas last year. Dh is part of a very large family - three siblings, eight nieces and nephews, four great nieces and nephews and MiL also has two brothers and two sisters on the doorstep. We arranged to all have Christmas lunch with her this year at a pub and BiL said she could stop with them a few nights if she wanted. All the family is within about ten mins of her house except us, we are about half an hour away, so she never would have had Christmas on her own.

Anyway my dc2 was due mid February but after a difficult pregnancy and most of December in hospital she arrived seven weeks early on Christmas Eve. She was quite poorly when she was born. She couldn't breathe for herself and was in neonatal intensive care. I was also unwell after a c section and we were both in hospital for nearly three weeks. During this time dh and dc1 went and stopped the whole time with MiL so MiL got to give dc1 all the gifts id so carefully chosen and do the stocking for him etc

Not long after we were discharged MiL said to me how glad she was that she hadn't had to have Christmas on her own and how she'd been telling everyone how Mike had sent dd early specially for her so that she'd had a lovely Christmas with dc1 and dh. I was really hurt and upset but let it go that first time although I told dh who did the usual 'she doesn't mean it, she's just upset about dad etc.'
Fast forward to a family event a couple of months later and she called me over with dd to introduce me to someone. And she said it again.
'I tell everyone Mike sent the baby early so I didn't have Christmas on my own and got to play Santa. Luckily the baby was really ill so I got to have them for ages! You should have seen the baby, she had wires down her throat, down her nose, in her hands, everywhere!' At which point I knew I was going to start crying so walked off.

And she said it again today. After asking if dd would be 'backwards' as she was prem. she then said 'oh 7 weeks is nothing anyway.' I explained how actually yes, it made a difference and then she said 'anyway I was pleased she was early, I think Mike sent her so I got to have a wonderful Christmas with ds and dh, oh I was glad.'

At which point I could stand it no longer and said 'you might have had a lovely Christmas but I had Christmas on my own, recovering from a c section and a blood transfusion whilst my baby was on a ventilator and I wasn't even well enough to see her for 49 hours.' MiL then said 'she's ok now though isn't she, so it all worked out for the best.' I told her I'd appreciate her not saying how glad she was dd was early again and how Mike supposedly sent her as it was extremely hurtful. I'm really upset. Not least because since having dd I've had awful PND and it has ruined the first 6 months of her life. It was not as easy as oh she's ok now so it's like it never happened.

When we got home I said to dh if MiL makes those remarks again I want nothing more to do with her. This is not an isolated incident but it is the incident which has upset me the most. It is singularly the most selfish thing I think I've ever heard anyone say. She wasn't even going to be on her own at Christmas anyway! I however was separated from my older child, in a hospital room on my own, in a lot of pain and fraught with worry over my dd. dh and ds went to lunch with MiL as originally planned.

Aibu? I actually cant think about it without feeling upset and really really angry. I don't get angry often but this has got me so annoyed it makes my heart race!

Oh op I don't know where to start. I am glad you to,d her off, you should have done that earlier. She sounds very insensitive, selfish and self absorbed. Yes your dh should have your back, not making e cusses for her.

'Luckily the baby was ill' she really said that?
I would have decked her
Bereavement does not make people go insane in my experience
Cut contact now and dh can sort out whether he wants to see her alone
'Backward' also. You don't want your child exposed to this

Just walk away. She's not your mother, you don't need to see her.

She sounds vile. Almost like she's bragging that she 'won' Christmas.

Just don't bother. Forget her. Walk away.

What a bitch!

I spent Christmas day in hospital with DC2. I was 33 weeks pregnant. I was nearly operated on and spent the day away from DC1 where I had been looking forward to put last Christmas with just him. If I'd had DC2 early and had any of these comments is hit the roof and would have stopped speaking to them long ago, and would have let them know in no uncertain terms why.

So its good you and your baby were out at risk so she got Christmas with your husband and child! Why exactly was your DH not bringing your child to spend the day with you? Very confused by that one!!

I remember you posting this before. I'm so sorry.

Your DH sounds like a cunt. Why the fuck wasn't he and ds with you on Christmas Day?

Mil is a bitch and I think you've done the right thing. Rabbits response is good.
Will DH support you now?

Make sure that next Christmas, you do something to soften the memories of last Christmas, and celebrate your lovely baby. I'll probably be slated for this, but I wouldn't be seeing mil on Christmas Eve or day.

How are you and dd now?

Yes I think you dp deserves a slap

If for whatever reason my dh couldn't be by my side on Christmas Day(and he would have fought tooth and nail first) with my older child he would have gone for a meal at his mothers, that wouldn't have been a problem. But he would have banned presents until I was there to see my own child open them.

YANBU. I would not see her until she has realised how hurtful her comments are and either buttoned it or apologised - ideally both. And your DH should support you in making her see how utterly horrible she has been.

You have two problems, a MIL problem, because she should not be saying rubbish like that, and a DP problem, as he should have your side, and tell her it's unacceptable. She is saying horrid things about his child and he just takes it, and thinks it ok!

Yes, your DH has been a dick too and needs to be firm with his stupid mother.

Oh op what a horrible thing to say

thought why the hell were you alone for Christmas! Where was dh, whilst you were doing through this! Yes you have two problems here, your main concern is dh. After the second time she said it, when she said she was pleased your dd was very ill, I would have gone absolutely postal and ripped her a new piece. Where was dh to defend you!

Luckily the baby was really ill?

What a sick, horrible thing to say.

Id seriously NC for this. Never mind everything else the horrid trout has come out with!

Who says that?!?!

It was a really horrible thing to say. What a silly cow! It sounds like the kind of thing a young child may say or at least think i.e. someone who has no real understanding of what being ill or dying is really like. It is strange considering that she has lost her husband but perhaps she had little sympathy for him too when he was ill. Perhaps she was only scared of being by herself and didn't have much thought for him.

This is really nasty. I would never have thought the same way about my MIL again if she had said those those sorts of things to me.

Do all the adult relatives know exactly what happened, because they may have assumed you wanted DH and DC1 to spend that Christmas with family rather than in a hospital. It doesn't excuse what MIL said though, that was nauseating. Did DH mistakenly think that DC1 better off not seeing you so ill and was trying to salvage the Christmas day for them? Or was he just doing what his mother wanted?

I think you need to explain in as forceful a way possible to DH, that you cannot be around MIL. Say that you will not be joining her for Christmas, that you want to celebrate at home with him and your DC to make up for last year. Say you were very sorry when Mike died and supported MIL in her bereavement, and were extremely disappointed that she couldn't do likewise when you and DC2 were so sick. Ask him where his loyalty lies because if he always does her bidding then perhaps you should consider whether your marriage is worth fighting for. Does he really not feel sickened by the remark 'luckily the baby was really ill', this is his child she was taking about.

In fairness to dh - although he will never stand up to his mother ever - I told him to stay away Christmas Day. It seemed unfair to make ds have a horrible Christmas too so they went out as planned with all dh's family. It annoyed me a little that he didn't take ds over to see my parents at any time as they have no other family at all and would have loved to see ds for an hour. Had the boot been on the other foot and MiL hadn't seen ds Christmas Day it would have been the end of the world...

She's always been selfish really. I don't think she's particularly got worse since FiL died. She does a lot of 'poor lonely nanny, all on her own in her sad house' to ds which I don't particularly like. She also moans that she 'hardly sees ds' when she sees him at least twice a week. I think probably the only way to make her happy would be for him to live with her!
I do appreciate it must be incredibly hard now FiL isn't there but I don't think she should put this onto ds. However I probably feel less sympathetic than I would if she hadn't been so horrible about dd being prem and it being marvellous for her and what a lovely time she'd had...

YAdefinitelyNBU. Your husband needs to wake up and deal with her.

I was NC with my inlaws for 10 years. My dh supported me every step of the way. He saw them, he took dd. He never once tried to make me go, or to smooth things over. He was NC too for a while but then felt that despite everything, she was his mother. And I respected that. We can't pick our relatives etc etc.

But I never once had to stand and fight my own battles alone with them before going NC.

Though, that behaviour is unaceptable, stop making excuses for your dh, he has to have your back and support you, by that he needs to deal with his mothers behaviour.

Oh and when I was in hospital Christmas day, DS didn't have his presents from us. He had other relatives as he went to my GPs where all his aunts, uncles etc would be so had a lovely time (DH stayed with me) and had all their presents but ours waited so I could see him open them. I'd have been very upset not to see this.

I'd keep your DS away from her as much as possible. How dare she try and make him feel guilty and manipulate him! I HATE it when people do this to children. It's up to the parents to stand up for the child so you have every right to OP.

This is complete emotional blackmail on her part. She sounds like a complete NeedFreak.
We used to get that too - using the old emotional blackmail on the kids when you were out of earshot. So that they would say things then that would help her get her way. We had to go over and stay every single Christmas. One Christmas we had to stop her getting up to hand out the Santa stuff.
We'd be over visiting and when it was time to leave to go home, she'd pull a stunt - eg decide it was a good idea to go to the playground. So she'd say to the kids - anyone want to go to the playground?' She'd start cooking another meal about 10mins before we'd planned to leave. I'd get a smell of cooking in the kitchen a I was putting stuff in the car to go home, I'd be wondering what the heck was going on, then I'd notice the oven was on with a roast suddenly in there. Then the plan would materialise 'oh you'll be staying for dinner, it won't be long'. Even though we'd have had lunch a hour before. It was like she had a plan that only unfolded when it was time for us to leave, something to stop us going. She didn't care we had to drive 2.5hrs in the dark and driving rain in January instead of leaving to go in daylight (having stayed there for 2 days already). Not a mention of the awful driving conditions just Oh It was So Wonderful To See You!
Another stunt before we were due to leave, she'd say to the kids something like 'we could get a get a pizza, who would like pizza?' Then it'd be 'run down to the shop (to my DH) and get a pizza, DS said he wanted pizza'. Then if we said no, there'd be a big outcry from the kids naturally and we'd be the bad guys. That sort of thing was constant. Using them to further her plans.
Or she'd lie about what my DC had said, like she would say like 'Oh DS says he would love to come back next weekend for my birthday!' and my son would stare at me as if to say I never said that. But he couldn't say I never said that because it would have been phrased in a way that made you look like an ungrateful uncaring person if you denied saying it.
And then we'd have to have the shuffly feet, oh well, we've something else planned, he has swimming at 11 etc etc, not sure, I might have to go somewhere... etc etc. Trying to get out of it.
As soon as we'd get home we'd get long texts with Oh so wonderful to see you, I really appreciate it, thank you so much, it makes me so happy to see the kid, it really cheers me up'...etc etc more emotional crap.
My DH did start telling her where to get off. He had to. Your DH will have to stand up to her too. I felt that too at the time, the only way to make her happy was if we actually lived with them. She once said to us when we were deciding what day to leave to go home after Christmas she said 'what have you to go back to'? As if our lives were lesser than hers because she was 'the Mother' and her house was 'the Family Home' sort of thing.
Only thing to do is invite her to your house more often because they can't control things as much then. Or do events 'off site' of either of your houses. If you are in her house your DH will find it much harder to even see or notice where she is crossing boundaries because she has done it to him all his life.

If she actually said the words 'luckily the baby was ill' and that's not your interpretation of what she was driving at then yanbu at all. And I don't know how anyone involved in the conversation didn't pull her up at the time. She was saying she was pleased that your baby, and her grandchild, was unwell.

OP, you really need to get DH onside. The 'poor lonely nanny' thing to make a small child feel guilty about not seeing her more is prime manipulation. DC are not responsible for her happiness. Why not give MIL a big bundle of information, helplines, social groups to join, bereavement counselling etc, and say that as she keeps referring to loneliness and a 'sad house' maybe she could find friends and support, and help to come to terms with her bereavement. (Or a different set of ears to listen to her.)

"He won't stand up to his mother, ever": that's a big problem that will, if not addressed by him, only get worse as she ages or gets sick.

I wouldn't want my DC visiting a manipulative relative with poor judgment and boundaries (at best!) anywhere near as much as twice a week.

You mentioned that you were sad that your DH did not take your older DC to visit your parents on Xmas day last year. Why did your own parents not come to hospital to visit you and DD? Sounds like you have got a raw deal with both sets of parents.