To want nothing more to do with mil if she keeps saying this?

[Throughautomaticdoors]

NC as identifying details...

Firstly let me start by saying dh's dad - I will call him Mike - died around a year ago. Of course MiL was understandably very upset and was worried about Christmas last year. Dh is part of a very large family - three siblings, eight nieces and nephews, four great nieces and nephews and MiL also has two brothers and two sisters on the doorstep. We arranged to all have Christmas lunch with her this year at a pub and BiL said she could stop with them a few nights if she wanted. All the family is within about ten mins of her house except us, we are about half an hour away, so she never would have had Christmas on her own.

Anyway my dc2 was due mid February but after a difficult pregnancy and most of December in hospital she arrived seven weeks early on Christmas Eve. She was quite poorly when she was born. She couldn't breathe for herself and was in neonatal intensive care. I was also unwell after a c section and we were both in hospital for nearly three weeks. During this time dh and dc1 went and stopped the whole time with MiL so MiL got to give dc1 all the gifts id so carefully chosen and do the stocking for him etc

Not long after we were discharged MiL said to me how glad she was that she hadn't had to have Christmas on her own and how she'd been telling everyone how Mike had sent dd early specially for her so that she'd had a lovely Christmas with dc1 and dh. I was really hurt and upset but let it go that first time although I told dh who did the usual 'she doesn't mean it, she's just upset about dad etc.'
Fast forward to a family event a couple of months later and she called me over with dd to introduce me to someone. And she said it again.
'I tell everyone Mike sent the baby early so I didn't have Christmas on my own and got to play Santa. Luckily the baby was really ill so I got to have them for ages! You should have seen the baby, she had wires down her throat, down her nose, in her hands, everywhere!' At which point I knew I was going to start crying so walked off.

And she said it again today. After asking if dd would be 'backwards' as she was prem. she then said 'oh 7 weeks is nothing anyway.' I explained how actually yes, it made a difference and then she said 'anyway I was pleased she was early, I think Mike sent her so I got to have a wonderful Christmas with ds and dh, oh I was glad.'

At which point I could stand it no longer and said 'you might have had a lovely Christmas but I had Christmas on my own, recovering from a c section and a blood transfusion whilst my baby was on a ventilator and I wasn't even well enough to see her for 49 hours.' MiL then said 'she's ok now though isn't she, so it all worked out for the best.' I told her I'd appreciate her not saying how glad she was dd was early again and how Mike supposedly sent her as it was extremely hurtful. I'm really upset. Not least because since having dd I've had awful PND and it has ruined the first 6 months of her life. It was not as easy as oh she's ok now so it's like it never happened.

When we got home I said to dh if MiL makes those remarks again I want nothing more to do with her. This is not an isolated incident but it is the incident which has upset me the most. It is singularly the most selfish thing I think I've ever heard anyone say. She wasn't even going to be on her own at Christmas anyway! I however was separated from my older child, in a hospital room on my own, in a lot of pain and fraught with worry over my dd. dh and ds went to lunch with MiL as originally planned.

Aibu? I actually cant think about it without feeling upset and really really angry. I don't get angry often but this has got me so annoyed it makes my heart race!

When people pass away, some of the people that are left behind get affected in strange ways and may say very strange things for a considerable time period

I have heard people say things like X who passed away has made Y happen

Under these circumstances if this was the first Christmas without FIL I would let these comments go.
This may be your MIL way of coping with grief, even with lots of family around to support

I understand that you were suffering and experienced a tough Christmas

It is very difficult to explain until you have experienced something like this yourself

You haven't said much about your husband

I think that is the key

I could go for some of the kinder interpretations if it wasn't for the 'luckily the baby was really ill'.

If she says it again, you could always retort with 'Ah yes of course. So I'm hoping you're going to be really ill this Christmas so that I can have my DH and DCs all to myself for the whole holiday. We'll save your presents until you get out of hospital.'

And then go NC.

(That's the sort of thing it would be wonderful to say, but you probably won't. And if it came to it, probably neither would I )

What was MIL like before Mike died? If she was like it before, I would walk away and have no more to do with her. If she wasn't - while i agree that it's completely out of order - I might be tempted to cut her slightly more slack and see if you telling her how hurtful she's being might sink in given a little time. I know my Dad became somewhat more blinkered to those around him after my mother's death for several years, and even now he can come up with some fairly insensitive things if he isn't pulled up on it.

So Mike/Divine Intervention came along to make her really happy at Christmas but also to make you really, really unhappy? And that's fine with her as long as she was happy. Fuck me. Don't wait for her to say it again before you stop seeing her - just stop seeing her.

The issue is with your DH.

I remember your previous post - everyone was as outraged then, too.

I also remember your previous thread and was horrified by your MILs words.

Have you spoken to your DH since then about how upset you are by this?

I'm sorry you had such a rough start with your dd and hope you're getting the support you need for PND. Ds was 10 weeks prem. I had a pregnancy from hell but that was much harder to deal with. I can't imagine anyone who cares for me or my family saying such callous, self centred crap about the most difficult, heartbreaking, stressful thing I've ever been through. I agree with PP, your dh needs to speak to his Mum. Now. He needs to make it clear to her that such things will not be tolerated, are very hurtful and if this continues she will be jeopardising her relationship with his family.

As for "backwards" I remember having been inadvertently emailed an info sheet for the leaders of a certain well known mum and baby activity group about all the problems premature babies have ax they get older, including problems learning to tell the time (wtf?) and making friends as they are all so brain damaged! Ds was 6 months old at the time and it made me cry. At 3 1/2 I'd laugh my head off if they sent such nonsense again. He is (mostly) a very happy, laid back little boy and really clever. It doesn't matter what start they had, all children are precious.

is she a bit dim witted?

Yadnbu, what a nasty woman

How have you not had a go at her before?! Bloody hell. YANBU

Personally I would want nothing more to do with your mil whether she keeps saying it or not. That she has the kind of mentality where she thinks it is ok to say it even once would be enough for me.

I also like the "No because Mike isn't an arsehole" type retorts upthread but I would not put myself in a position again where I had to use them. I would simply go NC. Unless a fulsome apology is forthcoming and I doubt it ever will be. She sounds ghastly.

💐 Hope you have a better Christmas without her this year!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have a family member who says terribly hurtful and insensitive things. I am so sick and tired of people saying 'but that is just how she is' or 'she doesn't mean it'. They are not helping her or anyone else. By saying that, people tend to excuse her behaviour yet if anybody else said it, there would be hurt and upset. I really think the person in my family who is like your MIL would have benefited more (or at least everyone else would) if she had been called up on her horrible remarks, many of which I believe are said deliberately to hurt.

YANBU.

But please tell her in no uncertain terms that you are very upset by her words and if she keeps saying this you will not be round to see her. Be really clear.

She sounds like my first MIL - I married at 19 and she was forever saying the most horrendous things - Her husband and kids were so used to it they let it go in one ear and out the other . I didn't find it so easy - It's didn't cause the marriage split but it certainly didn't help.

Fast forward over twenty years and I reconnected with her other son (as teenagers we were best friends and he introduced me to his brother) . I was also in facebook touch with my ex so knew how his life had gone .
BIL and I were out having a drink and catching up and she rang........ Bloody BIL told her I was there and passed the phone over. First thing she said after hello was Did I know was divorced again and he has a son who is retarded. My jaw dropped - she clearly hadn't changed one bit . How can anyone in this day and age refer to their own grandson by that word ????

There are just some people who have no filter or any regard for what they say. Let DH visit without you and make sure he doesn't invite her for Christmas !!!

YADNBU

Now that her insensitivity has been squarely pointed out to her - ( in reality having a poorly DIL and premature DGC in hospital should be a TERRIBLE Christmas would be for me and most people who aren't narcissits)

In her position I would apologise profusely for thoughtlessness send flowers and never say it again.

If she does none of the above and does say it again you are well within your rights to go NC

I fo suspect your MIL like my ex MIL actually has no idea how awful what she said actually was . That's not an excuse for either of them ....just if you can accept it's not personal it can help handle it.

This actually brought tears to my eyes lol. My son was born on christmas day - he wasnt premature but it was a hard experience, being all alone in the hospital with him and recovering from a c-section. You are def not being unreasonable and your MIL needs to learn to shut her mouth. I cannot believe the cheek she has to say that, its rude and selfish. Is your DH supporting you?

Your husband is failing you, frankly, if she gets to carry on making asinine, insensitive, mean-spirited (and they are) comments like this. Because they indicate she doesn't give two s*its about you, or the baby, frankly, because she got what she wanted. Outrageous and horrifying, really.

YANBU. I'd have not let such comments pass the first time they were made, any I definitely wouldn't be having them now. And your husband should have shut her down ages ago on these things.

I'm sorry. I'd stop having much to do with her if it was me. And I'd force my husband to man up and tell her why and that she's out of order.

Yanbu. She sounds just about as emotionally stunted as it is possible to get. Insenstive, selfish, tedious and shallow. I don't blame you for wanting to keep your distance.

What a stupid, STUPID and horribly insensitive thing to say. I'm not surprised you're furious over having this shit spouted at you over and over. I don't think she even realises that she's essentially saying she's GLAD you and DC2 suffered this horrible birth, because she's too self centred to see beyond the end of her own nose.

And since when did dead people have the power to put women into dangerously premature labour anyway? Like I said... stupid.

OMG OP what a horrendous thing for you to have to hear

She sounds unbelievably selfish and awful, but even giving her the benefit of the doubt in that she may be unwell or behaving weirdly because of bereavement, dementia or whatever, no you do not have to put up with this. I would just send DH with DC1 to visit her.

I'm not surprised you had PND after going through that birth experience, at Christmas, and with her repeatedly dragging you through it and negating its impact on you.

You had a terrible time, you missed your DC1's Christmas fun that you had been looking forward to, you were really scared for your baby, you were stuck in hospital and seriously ill yourself. That is what happened, it was tough, it was bad, and MIL is making it into a completely different story that is about her and makes it all good! That must be so painful and difficult.

It's great that you asserted yourself and told her, but it will have little impact on her I think. What matters is that you don't let her ridiculousness upset you. If you need to avoid her, do.

Yanbu at all.
My MIL seemed to lose her filter after FIL died (he was a lovely man) to the extent I haven't spoken to her for a couple of years.
Whilst I appreciate bereavement can affect people in different ways being bloody vile shouldn't have to be tolerated.