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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"the key to a happy and relationship is to spend as much time apart as possible"

26 replies

Ingloriousbasterd · 18/06/2016 09:09

Hi!

So, a friend of mine informed me yesterday that because me and oh are so lovey and into each other our relationship won't last and we should be spending more time apart?!
Admittedly we are only 24 and have been together since college but after 6 years and a child together (3yo dd) we are still very 'up each other's arses' I think it's still early days considering we plan on spending the rest of our lives together? We are introverts and just love each other's company so spend a lot of time together. Oh is at work all day, 5 days awake and once lo is in bed around 7 we have a few hours together... And of course weekends. Does this really seem like too much? And automatically make our relationship destined to fail? Her comments have made me worry for some reason!

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 18/06/2016 09:20

That's only her opinion and she can express it but you don't have to agree with it.

It's upto yourself how you navigate your own relationship!

PPie10 · 18/06/2016 09:32

So one person's opinion makes you rethink your relationship surely if it's working for you then you just continue as is?

dowhatnow · 18/06/2016 09:33

Well there may be an element of truth in it for some people.

Personally I would feel very stifled if I didn't have other things/people in my life as well, but appreciate this isn't always the case for other people.

Toddzoid · 18/06/2016 09:34

Every relationship is different just as every person is different. For me it dies out and fades quickly when I'm constantly in their pocket and that's partly why my marriage broke down. Mostly because aside from work, we had no life outside of one another. We very rarely went out anywhere and had little to none social life that didn't revolve around each other. It was utterly suffocating. Some people would thrive in a relationship like that though and in fact they even work together which I just couldn't fathom.

It works best for me when I see them once or twice a week. Anything else is overkill but I wouldn't question anyone who does it differently. Different folks and all that... What works for one won't work for another.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 18/06/2016 09:37

If the amount of time you spend together works for you and your OH, then ignore her.

Different amounts of together time will suit different couples. Just because she might prefer to spend more time apart from a partner it doesn't make her preferences "right" for every other couple.

acasualobserver · 18/06/2016 09:37

Your friend is talking through her hat. Yes, having some separate interests that don't involve your OH is very important but spending time together should remain treasured.

EmmaWoodlouse · 18/06/2016 09:49

It works for me. I am genuinely still very happy with my husband of over 25 years but it's important to both of us to do our own thing quite a lot of the time. We're almost always together at the beginning and end of the day and that's when we show our love for each other. The rest of the time, we are individuals with different interests so if we always had to do everything together, it would be very frustrating for whoever was just tagging along somewhere they really didn't want to be. (Of course we have some shared interests too and will happily go along together and talk to each other as well as everyone else!)

Original poster

Ingloriousbasterd · 18/06/2016 09:56

We do have seperate interests, I see my friends during the week and he occasionally goes to watch a film with my dad and brother (they're all quite close) or plays his Xbox whilst I have a bath.. We aren't literally in each other's pockets, we just aren't very outgoing people!
It's not that a comment has made me rethink my relationship, I just wondered if there was some truth to what she said. I do try to encourage time apart and say he should arrange a lunch date with his old friends but he just doesn't do it.. Suppose it's different for every couple though

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 18/06/2016 10:09

I know I sound as judgey as your friend here but I always think people who think like that are a bit cold and wierd. I just don't understand needing so much 'space'. How would she have coped in the past having to share a one or two roomed house with her whole family! I don't think there is anything wrong with those of us who like to 'live on top of each other'. It might just be that she grew up in a bigger house with a family with more distant interests so as a child she was used to doing her own thing more than those who grew up sharing rooms and doing lots of family activities. Who knows. Relationships are like kids - there is no one size fits all rule you have to find your own way.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 18/06/2016 10:14

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year and a half. They only first spent their first whole day apart last week. I think that's pretty extreme but they're both happy. It suits them. My parents' and sister's marriages are fairly similar.

Personally I reckon that once a week is quite enough. The idea of being in a full-time monogamous relationship sounds stifling. But I appreciate I'm the weirdo here.

raisedbyguineapigs · 18/06/2016 10:15

I was going to say maybe she wants you to spend some time with her and your friends, but after your second post, I don't know. YOu don't sound like you are in each others pockets at all! Sounds like a normal relationship. Maybe because you have a child, she doesnt realise how time consuming it all is.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 18/06/2016 10:17

Although, reading your update, he doesn't seem to have any interests outside of you, does he? Going to the cinema with your family? Playing with his xbox? Maybe that's what your friend was talking about. Perhaps she thinks he's boring.

My previous point still stands, though. If you're both happy then it's fine.

Piemernator · 18/06/2016 10:25

Each to their own but I am very like your friend and my marriage survives because DH has quite a lot of business trips away. It's now easier because he is at least contactable, years ago when our DS was a baby he would do shit like F off in to the Malaysian jungle and be on a canoe going down the Amazon. No he isn't Bear Grylls.

We have done stuff like holiday apart, I actually didn't ever want to marry or have DC but ended up doing both. I'm about as independent as you can be within a marriage, it suits us both.

I game on Xbox, one thing I don't understand is that some of my gaming buds are forced to watch TV they dont like with their partners because it's apparently doing stuff together.

Chinks123 · 18/06/2016 10:32

I've been told by a friend that they couldn't 'cope with my relationship ' if it was them, as DP stays in the house a lot doesn't go to the pub etc whereas her Bf is out most nights and has hobbies so they spend a lot of time apart.

Me and dp work, we are extremely happy and in the 3 years we've lived together we haven't spent a night apart. We go out to work, I have nights out rarely, I visit my mum all day on the weekends and he will be on his Xbox. But apart from that we are with each other 24/7. That would drive some people demented I suppose but I do take myself off to bed early and have a read and then later we will cosy up to tv so I feel like i have enough me time.

Chinks123 · 18/06/2016 10:33

But when we were both out of work for a short period, and literally together 24 hours a day we did start to get a bit snappy because he is a loud hyper person and I felt I didn't get downtime so I sort of get what she means.

StillMedusa · 18/06/2016 10:44

Married 26 years here..together 28. We do stuff together but also have a decent amount of separate time.. I do martial arts, he's a cyclist, and also works longer hours. We spend time together at the weekends doing normal family stuff (only one child at home now) and it suits us. We have been like that since we met.
Sometimes I relish the nights he works away..just me time, but I'm always happy to see him when he comes home. I couldn't be with anyone 24/7 (I can't imagine working together all day) but we rub along very happily!

Kennington · 18/06/2016 10:48

We have a lot of different I interests. I think that is healthy. Each to their own I suppose but I wouldn't want to spend every waking minute together

Original poster

Ingloriousbasterd · 18/06/2016 10:48

Startledbyhisfurryshorts, I agree he doesn't have many friends.. He classes my brother as a friend and we have a very close mutual best friend but he doesn't have a friend to himself I suppose? But he just says he's not interested! I can't force him into going out and finding a best mate..
I always find it strange when couples have seperate holidays but it just goes to show how different everyone's relationship is. My friend doesn't say it because she wants to see me more (we see each other twice a week) she has children too, but her partner is always jetting off to Pakistan for weeks at a time and works a lot of jobs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ingloriousbasterd · 18/06/2016 10:50

Our relationship sounds extremely similar to yours chinks

OP posts:

Lumpylumperson · 18/06/2016 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/06/2016 10:54

It is weird to have no friends of his own. What if he were going through a rocky patch with you, who would he talk to? What if he wanted to give you a break from his agonising over a decision by talking it over with a friend as well. Does he not have hobbies of any kind that involve other people?

It can get awfully claustrophobic and unhealthy if one person relies completely on the other for their downtime and entertainment.

NotCitrus · 18/06/2016 10:54

Each to their own. People think me and DP are odd as we sometimes have a few days away on separate holidays and often have nights apart, but still works after 20+ years. I do think working together and living together is usually a bad idea, and certainly it's not good if taken to the extremes if a relative of mine, where he and wife couldn't stand to be apart, if one lost their job then the other would quit to join the spouse at a lower-paid available job, and when she got a treatable cancer she refused treatment as it would mean a night away from home. She died and the kids broke off contact with their dad - very sad all round.

dowhatnow · 18/06/2016 10:56

Why on earth would you watch a tv program that you are not interested in, just so that you are "together". That totally baffles me says someone who never watches tv with dh because we both think each other's programs are totally boring and/or rubbish

Piemernator · 18/06/2016 11:50

Dowhat my thoughts exactly.

We have a big sitting room that has a TV at either end. When DH is watching TV and I'm gaming we both wear headsets. He has bought some horrendously expensive total noise cancelling ones. I can game with my mates and talk and he can watch his sport 24/7.

My friend is forced to watch soaps with his wife so they can be together. I say F that shit.

Tabsicle · 18/06/2016 12:10

Do what works for you.

I've been with OH for 15 years. We don't really have separate friends, we go out, but tend to go out together, we share hobbies, and we do spend our time with each other.

Our ex-flatmate referred to us as codependent, but I like our relationship. I like him. He makes me laugh. He's funny, he's clever, we always have stuff to talk about. We have spent nights apart, but not many and we tend to feel funny when we do, and when he got a new job in another country, I quit my job because we didn't really want to live apart from months.

But it works for us. I wouldn't judge anyone who did it differently.

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