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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a child shouldn't talk to his DM in that way?

30 replies

Gide · 18/06/2016 00:08

Just come back from drinks for a friend's birthday. All was well until the DC18 came home. He immediately started telling his DM that she's a bitch, a c word, sat with us all and kept telling her this. She did not remonstrate with him.

It was a noisy room, another friend and I were messaging back and forth with (everyone was on their phone, there was a running joke about setting someone up with a friend, we were Facebook stalking him). I was very uncomfortable with the way he was speaking and it was late, so I left (stayed sober cos I wanted to be able to go when I felt like it and not rely on others)

AIBU to be uncomfortable? My only other close friend with a DC that age has the most amazing relationship with her DC, who is a polite and lovely young man.

OP posts:

borntohula · 18/06/2016 00:10

he sounds charming, was he joking ?!

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2016 00:13

Errrm he kept calling his Mum a bitch and a cunt and she didn't say anything?

Please tell me you and other people in the room pulled him up on it??

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2016 00:15

Bit confused about what the phones and you being sober had to do with it though?

EveryoneElsie · 18/06/2016 00:18

YANBU, it may not be safe to tackle him. Try to talk to her another time, see if she needs help.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/06/2016 00:22

Hes lucky I wasn't there. He'd have got the length of my tongue. How dare he speak like that to his mother. . God help his poor future wife, as well 18 or not. He'd have got the back of my hand. If he were mine. I can tell you.
I could never have spoke little that to my mum. Aside from the fact she'd have have me a walloping I wouldn't have forgotten,
and if I dared made a show in front of guests. Heaven help me. We had a silent pact if you like. I never embarrassed her infront of her friends and vice versa.
I absolutely adored well adore her. I'd have laid down and died for her.

PortiaCastis · 18/06/2016 00:24

Was it a phone party? Why didn't his Mum give him a backhander?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/06/2016 00:28

I imagine she didn't remonstrate with him because she didn't want to escalate the situation further in front of her friends, probably because she thought she'd be judged for bad parenting.

You should check in with her tomorrow and see if she's ok. It could be 'front' but it could equally be abuse. 18 year old sons are essentially men and it wouldn't be the first time a mother has been abused by a son.

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2016 00:29

YANBU, it may not be safe to tackle him. Try to talk to her another time, see if she needs help.

Oh come on really

There was a house full of people and no-one had to 'tackle' him.

Just ask him to refrain from calling his mother a bitch and a cunt.

EveryoneElsie · 18/06/2016 00:31

He was spoiling for a fight. If you feel up to tackling that and taking the fall out, great. OP didnt. Neither did any one else who was there.
There are other ways to deal with this kind of problem.

Original poster

Gide · 18/06/2016 00:33

8 women and him. We think he was just showing off. No, he wasn't joking, no, no-one pulled him because we would have had a mouthful of abuse back.

OP posts:

PortiaCastis · 18/06/2016 00:34

Agree with worra a house full of adults listening to a teenager verbally abusing his Mother someone would have said something

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2016 00:35

Fair enough but it's a sad situation when a house full of adults feel they can't ask a teenager to stop calling his own mother a cunt.

Still confused about what the phones/facebook/the OP's sobriety has to do with this though, so perhaps there's more to the story.

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2016 00:39

No, he wasn't joking, no, no-one pulled him because we would have had a mouthful of abuse back.

And??

Sorry but this woman is supposed to be your friend, and no-one wanted to stick up for her because they might get some abusive words thrown at them?

Ok well I'm not really sure what you're asking us here. I know you asked AIBU to be uncomfortable?

But surely you don't need to ask that, so what exactly do you want from this thread?

HerRoyalNotness · 18/06/2016 00:48

I'm a quiet retiring type, but somewhere from deep inside, the words just come out "don't you DARE speak to your mother like that"

If I can do it, one of you should have been able too. and if I'd had verbal abuse back, I'd front up to that too.

ohtheholidays · 18/06/2016 00:53

NO YANBU and the way he spoke to his poor Mum is far from normal OP.

We have 5DC our oldest 2 are DS20 and DS17(18 the end of this month)they have never ever called me those kinds of names,I don't think it would occur to them to ever come out with something like that.They've had times where they've been a bit moody or sulky(thanks for that hormones)but they're both very protective of me,they have been for quite a long time.

I have to stop them intervening if one of the 3 youngest DC,DS14,DD13 and DD8 are playing me up or are snappy with me or have been rude to me(I remind them that I appreciate they're support but they're not to parent)because the older 2 really don't like hearing the youngest 3 behave badily for me.

If it was me I'd probably try and bring it up somehow in conversation just so that I could check that my friend was alright.Some of my friends in the past have asked me to speak to they're DC when they were having a really rough time and they're children just wouldn't listen to them no matter what they said or did.I hate telling my own DC let alone anyone elses child but I have stepped in when a friends asked for my help.

Just5minswithDacre · 18/06/2016 00:56

He'd have got the length of my tongue.

Is that a real saying? It sounds filthy

(Might have missed the point of the thread)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/06/2016 01:10

It might be just a Liverpool saying.

agentmarmalade · 18/06/2016 01:27

IT is reasonable to feel uncomfortable with an 18yr old calling his mum vile names in front of all her friends. It's abuse.
He must have been quite intimidating for no body else to defend her. It's sad really.
is this the first time you've seen him act like this?
Will you consider calling your friend to see if she is ok, mentioning that you noticed his behaviour?
Unfortunately some mums do tolerate/allow this from sons, and even defend him with crap excuses. "Oh, he isn't feelin well/stressed out/my fault" kind of stuff.
Or she might be grateful for your concern.
Just be prepared for the conversation to go either way if you do discuss it with her.

StarryIllusion · 18/06/2016 02:13

I heard a boy the other day tell his mother she was fucking useless because she wouldn't buy him a game. Couldn't have been older than 8. All I could think was Christ I wouldn't have sat for a week if I'd spoken to my mum like that.

DarkDarkNight · 18/06/2016 02:53

It's not unheard of for teenagers to use language like that to their parents, but it's strange in front of other adults, a lack of boundaries. I was always unfailingly polite in front of my parent's friends even if I was moody to my parents. It's the Kevin & Perry effect.

I'm not sure why your friend wouldn't tell him off, maybe she knows what his reaction would be and was embarrassed enough already .

Strokethefurrywall · 18/06/2016 03:06

I'm not sure I would have ever survived if I'd ever dared to call my mum a bitch or a cunt, but more to the point, I never wanted to!

What has happened to this boy, that he has so little respect for his own mother that he would say something like that?

If I was to ever hear that out of either of my kids mouths at 18, they'd be out door on their arse. I will never accept that language directed at me and certainly not from someone I gave birth to.

I'm pretty sure I'd have belted the little fucker if I'd heard that!

Maryz · 18/06/2016 03:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2016 03:33

It was the friends birthday in her home and it was her son. The guests took their cue from her in not saying anything. Abusive men dont always start with the girlfriends, so who knows what would have happened if someone had "given him the back of [their] hand" after they had all left.

OP I think you need to call her tomorrow and say how awful you think it was, that you are worried about her and try to get her to open up about it.

I'm pretty sure I'd have belted the little fucker if I'd heard that!
I am equally sure that you wouldnt have. And if you had, how exactly do you think that it would have helped the OPs friend? Oh and calling him a little fucker for calling his mum a bitch and cunt is rather hypocritical wouldnt you say?

Bogeyface · 18/06/2016 03:36

Maryz as I said above, the reason people dont step in with abusive situations is that they know that when they leave, the abuse will step up. The OP could well have been punished by her son for what her friends said/did. The best way she can be helped is by her friends coming to her and saying that the way he treats her is wrong and that they want to help her. Sounds like he was trying to provoke a fight and his mum knew that ignoring it was the best way to go.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2016 03:38

Sorry, the OPs friend could have been punished.

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