'Not in the spirit of MN' - AIBU to get a tad fed up?

[lougle]

I'm getting just a tad fed up of the trend, lately, that telling a poster that their actions/post is wrong = 'not in the spirit of MN'. Since when was 'the spirit of MN' to just smile and nod regardless of what anyone does??

Several times recently, threads have followed pattern:

OP: I need help with this situation
Posters 1-10: 'Erm....you really can't do that/ they were right to say that because you did break that law/ you have been really quite unkind so I can see why they said that/ your friend-partner-bestie really shouldn't have told you that and you really shouldn't have posted it all over MN.....

Poster 15: 'You lot are sooooo mean!'
Poster 16: 'I'm reporting to MNHQ as it's not in the spirit of MN'.

What? So we can only post positive, supportive messages, no matter what the OP is? Sometimes, the best advice is that you're being a complete wally and need to change your attitude sharpish, or you need to realise that you've broken the rules and fix it before you get into big trouble.

[SoupDragon]

"not in the spirit of MN" tends to mean that posters have gone way beyond being bitchy.

This place is certainly not a place of 'free speech' that it was years ago

It is far far bitchier than it was years ago.

[ApostrophesMatter]

I think the problem is how people disagree with someone or express their opinions. The site is supposed to be primarily for offering support to people so if you're really just having a go at someone and trying to make them feel bad then it probably won't be considered 'in the spirit of the site'.

Very much agree with this. Sometimes new posters are very naïve and it's awful to see them jumped on by a bunch of more experienced posters. If they have said something wrong or haven't expressed themselves very well it doesn't need a whole load of people to tell them so in an aggressive and vile way.

Sometimes it does look like bullying and must be very hurtful to the OP. It's as though people are trying to outdo each other in how nasty they can be.

[SoupDragon]

The "not in the spirit" threads that tend to be deleted are the ones where people are being just plain nasty.

[acasualobserver]

OP, what happened to posters 11-14? This is really bothering me.

[bumbleymummy]

It is far far bitchier than it was years ago.

I agree. That's why I definitely don't think it's becoming more like Netmums at all. There's no way some of the posts here would be allowed to stand on NM!

It's as though people are trying to outdo each other in how nasty they can be.

I've seen this too. On a recent thread the poster had obviously got the message and hadn't done what she was asking about but people still kept piling on!

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I hate the bullying and quite often, a group will turn on one poster getting more and more nasty and personal with each post.

However, I have a feeling some like to run off to report if people are not agreeing with them, or at the slightest whiff of rule breaking. It's childish, stamping your feet and announcing, "I'm telling!"

[MrsJayy]

There is particular celebs that are fair game on here you can rip them to shreds on here call them bad parents blah blah other certain celebs who you get to 10 posts and are deleted as not in the spirit of mumsnet it pisses me off the double standards i mean not that i rip into many celebs

[Sparklingbrook]

There seem to be a lot more posters with agendas.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

True Mrsjay. Only in MNworld would you find z list drug addicted mothers praised to glory whilst Victoria Beckham is considered akin to the Greek bint who ate her own babies.

Bizarre.

[ArgyMargy]

Place marking so I can see whether the deletion notice mentions Spirit of Mumsnet (good name for a superyacht methinks).

[PeppaIsMyHero]

I totally agree with PHeadPH - I don't have a problem with people disagreeing with OPs or pointing out that they are immoral / criminal etc... but I do have a big problem with some of the vitriol that is spat at people who - mostly - appear to be asking for help or advice.

[SoupDragon]

I don't think it's bitchier.

That depends when you are comparing it to.

[MaddyHatter]

I think the Righteous wanking that goes on is ridiculous, the actual point of the thread gets lost in the Outrage, and the OP, who is usually desperate and trying to get help for a situation they don't know how to deal with, gets lambasted an NO help at all.

THAT isn't 'In the spirit of Mumsnet' which is a forum meant to be supportive and full of help and advice.

The thread you're talking about (because we know this IS a TAAT) is a prime example of Righteous Wanking where everyone seems to just want to outdo each other on their level of OutRage rather than actually realising that there is a vulnerable woman behind the post in need of help.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

It's as namby pamby as a pack of rabid werewolves .

Far too much bitching and piling in.

[ApostrophesMatter]

Righteous wanking

I love that phrase and am going to steal it.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Righteous wanking, what a perfect description.

[thebestfurchinchilla]

What I dislike is the nastiness that goes with some posts . Ok disagree but sometimes it's plain vicious especially when it comes to parenting.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

MaddyHatter agree.

If a poster is asking for help and advice and they get help and advice even if they don't like it, fair enough.

If they get told they are vile/a cunt over and over again not nice. It's actually really horrible to see sometimes and does feel like being dragged back into the playground.

Even worse, the Righteous Wankers think they are the Good Guys.

MN are pretty clear: posters come here for advice and support. Personal attacks are not allowed.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

Some posters could have disingenuous tattooed to their forehead.
They goad and goad from thread to thread dragging their personal hobbyhorse (which half the time I reckon is made up because they now it will get a reaction) even when it is beyond innapropriate.
And then play the mean bullies card.
If it wasn't so horrible to posters who are often distressed it would be almost comical in it's predictability

[rachelmonday1]

My view on this, and speaking from experience, is that when you post something on MN, you must be prepared for a complete mix of responses, positive, negative and indifferent. After all, you're posting to seek other peoples opinions! Having said that, people that respond to posts can sometimes phrase things harshly or rudely, which may be the OPs point.

[AddToBasket]

I think things have improved, actually.

Particularly the Relationships board. A while back anyone admitting to an affair or to being an OW was subject to a massive pile-on of posters. A frankly horrible, teeth sharpening exercise in various shades or righteousness/misogyny/bitterness/bitchiness. Now there is way more support for anyone who has made mistakes, it's more nuanced, and posters who come on purely to air their spite get short shrift.

[NeedACleverNN]

Whether people like it or not mn has changed!

When I first joined i tried to get a thread deleted that I posted
I got my arse ripped three ways and handed back to me because I said that my 4 month old son was behaving like a nob and I was at the end of my tether.

I got no support, no sympathy. I did get however "you must be a shit mum to go round calling your son a nob." "I pity your son for having a mum like you"

I was in tears, felt worse than I did before I had posted in the first place and begged HQ to delete my post.

Guess what? They didn't. They told me it was against their policy to delete whole posts unless privacy is compromised.

Now days all I have to do, is say I've been picked on and it's deleted in a flash.

All I needed was someone to tell me it was a phase and that it will pass and maybe even help my son who was later diagnosed with CMPA