Is MIL showing signs of jealousy

[Jasperkiss5]

MIL hasn't always had a regard for me, often treats me like the oven that cooked the bun. There is history but I want opinions on this situation alone.

Daughter goes to her 1 day a week. She has everything you could imagine at her house for my daughter, decorated room, heaps of toys etc, I send her with a coat but then see pictures on Facebook with her wearing a completely different coat that she's been and bought to keep at hers, even though I take her round wearing a coat already; just feel I need to mention that. Anyway my daughter has a comforter a little bunny with a blanket on it that she's had since she was born. She adores it, face lights up when she sees it, she naps with it, sleeps at night with and even takes it to nursery. The other week mil announced to us, but by talking to my DD that 'nannys got her own comforter for you at her house'. I thought that was odd as she knows we always send her with the one she's had since she was tiny, she also knows we have 3 identical to it in case it gets lost.

Each time I drop her off with it and collect her the comforter is always shoved right at the bottom of the bag. When I dropped her off on Monday she said oh she won't need that, she's got one here. I said but she likes it and takes it everywhere with her. She said she also likes nannys one and sleeps with that. I said do you allow her to have her own one when she's here and she said yes but I also give her my one. This is bullshit because it's never out when she is collected and she's out pictures on Facebook of my DD asleep with the comforter she bought.

My problem is- why did she feel the need to go and buy her own version. No one else I know would think to do that! Why not just let her have her comforter that she adores, why force your own on her. What would u feel?

Paulankathedog

You seem to have little understanding of the nuances in the power play that can occur between a MIL and a DIL, I have seen you on a few of these types of threads ridiculing the op, but with little understanding of whats going on.

Same to Bertrand Russel, I have seen time and time you mis interpret ops like this and like Paul have little understanding of whats actually going on. It doesn't matter what the MIL will you, I have seen you stand steadfast with them.

Op, I totally get this, and yes of course its about control and the poster that said way back, this is about asserting herself as primary career and eradicating you is spot on.

I have exactly the same issue, will dress DD and see photos of them at MILS in totally different clothes . I am currently engaged in a battle to retrieve a ragged red nightdress that DD loves that I suspect MiL decided to throw away because it has a rip in it. Mil has form for being domineering and undermining us.

You need to weigh up how dangerous this woman actually is, is she going to run you down to your DD or is she just a bit batty? How much do you need her child care? Personally I am grateful MIL can help out, so I am trying to relax about these things....

Unfortunately not everyone is nice and if someone isn't nice then whether they love a child isn't as relevant as whether they are able to give that child adequate care without causing them or their parents harm. I grew up in a very warm, loving family and if my DM and DF were able to provide childcare then DP and I would have no hesitations as they were, and still are, fantastic parents.
However, becoming a grandparent doesn't automatically make someone a responsible, patient trustworthy person. If your parent or PIL is destructive, neglectful or manipulative then that rightly influences whether you leave your child with them.

• what the mil has done.

I think your nit picking. She loves your daughter and is very good to her it seems . As long as child is happy that's the main thing.

Wow someone seems jealous here and I don't think it is the mil.

God she sounds overbearing this would annoy me too x

YANBU
I would personally stop the overnight visits if this can't be cleared out. The coat thing is weird but could be overlooked, buying a new comforter and hiding yours is not on. Even if DD doesn't need it, the comforter is not a random toy, it is a symbol of your care and love.

"Same to Bertrand Russel, I have seen time and time you mis interpret ops like this and like Paul have little understanding of whats actually going on. It doesn't matter what the MIL will you, I have seen you stand steadfast with them. hmm "

Absolutely not true.

I can definitely see your side here. This is a control issue and one that my MIL was guilty of. She'd change DD's clothes -into REALLY ugly ones- as soon as I was out the door (I didn't find this out for a long time). If I ever disciplined DS (I mean say No firmly - nothing more than that) she'd say, "Come here darling, I'm not angry with you." If I said no to a third biscuit, she'd cuddle her and say, "Oh, poor soul". I'm getting annoyed thinking about it.
The only solution is to find alternative childcare and, in future, visit together as a family. Don't leave DD there without you

This is slightly odd behaviour. I have certain teddies and books that I keep at my house for my DGD, mostly things that have been around for ages since my DC used them, but if DGD brings her own things to my house we play with everything.

I think removing a small child's comforter from her and substituting one GM has bought herself is weird. Why would you do that? To what purpose? The child loves her toy and it comforts her, why would anyone take it away and force another one on her. I'd want to know whether my DC was being upset by the changeover of her beloved toy.

I'm not sure your MIL's behaviour is prompted by jealousy OP or some sort of need to control, but it certainly sounds as if she wants to push you away and substitute herself.

I know someone who used to buy whole wardrobes of clothes for her GC and change them into those clothes as soon as they were dropped off with her. She hated her DIL and did it deliberately to annoy her and said the clothes DIL bought were "chavvy".

To be honest that's the sort of thing I might do. Not to deliberately annoy any future DIL and I would go to great lengths to make sure she didn't know, to save her feelings, but if I am in charge of a baby or toddler for whole days at a time, no way am I taking it out in some heinous chavtastic black frilly thing with ostrich feather trim and fake Chanel logos stuck to it.

Your MIL is controlling and clearly disregards your feelings, it sounds like you don't exist when DD's at grandmas as far as your MIL's concerned. I'd have a word and express your feelings, if you are dismissed change your childcare.

OP I can't fully judge your mil based on this comforter situation but I kind of relate. My mil (who i get on great with now - my dd 11 yrs old btw). When dd was a baby she helped out when i worked, adored dd and loved her to bits. However she couldn't wait to have me out the door and could barely hand her over at the end of the day. I'm not saying yours is the same but I recognise some of what you said. I don't know why my mil went that way but over the years I realise her heart is in the right place and eventually she did see all the other people in the room not just dd.

posted too soon. Maybe let the small stuff go but if she undermines you infront of dd gently remind her whose mum. It's tricky i've been there!!

People are at their worst with babies! It all irons out when the child can walk and talk and has a will of their own.
In the meantime I would just be pleased that she has a grandmother who loves her. The more people that love a child the better and, as has already been said, the baby has tons of love for the various people in their life!
I never know why it all becomes a competition or why it assumes that love for one takes away love for another- love just expands and is infinite.
As to the comforter- it really doesn't matter which the baby has as long as she is happy. I am sure that if she isn't happy she will let it be known!

If you have to 'remind people whose mum' it asumes that there might be some doubt! I can't see any need- everyone knows!

Maybe my wording on "remind people whose mum" wasn't great but my mil was literally all consumed with baby and I def felt like the carrier of her much awaited baby. I completely agree it does all settle down and iron out once they get a little older and are a walking/ talking person. Looking back my mil was overbearing at times and got carried away but no long term damage done and I am v fond of her now and I hope she is of me. I am sure glad the baby days are behind me.

Oh and mil called dd "my baby" all the time. Rightly or wrongly at the time it grated a bit. "hows my baby and whats my baby doing today?" Oh love her, weve had our moments.

I don't think that MIL calling your dd 'my baby' is quite the same Ifcats as what OP describes.

Your MIL was verbalising her overwhelming love for your child and, yes, perhaps being a bit overbearing with it but the OP's MIL is trying to take over, or that's what it sounds likes she's doing, and is attempting to remove those things: clothes, toys etc that represent the OP; nasty, sneaky behaviour by anyone's standards.

My mother called dd "my girl". Because she loved her. She did not think for a minute that dd was her daughter.
The problem with these threads is that it means that people who have real problems with their mils or other relations get submerged it the tidal wave of "she's my mil- how dare she try and have a relationship with my child"

The point is that you aren't comfortable with it, or you wouldn't've posted here. Not sure how old the baby is, but as you may potentially have years of this ahead I would firmly and fairly set out how you want things to be. It's lovely that she wants to be involved, she has experience and obviously loves the baby, but she should respect you as her mum. What does your partner/husband think?

My mil told people she was dd's mum.we were all on holiday together. Unfortunately for her dd1 was 3 and able to speak. I never had it out with her as I was heavily pg with twins and couldn't think of a way to do it without being pg and hormonal which would have meant massive fall out. I accept mil loves dd but also have my guard up. That was when dh began to see her crazy side. He deals with her now as I'm not playing her games.

I am not suggested my situation was identical to OP and I hope it can be resolved. No the term "my baby" isn't end of the world. Well atleast one thing has been proven my posts aren't invisible. Maybe i've just never been contraversial enough before. Gd luck op, hope things improve all round.

suggesting not suggested.

It isn't about an attachment to an object. She is 1 and obviously is not able to request it as she can't talk. But it is an object that she loves, a belonging that she uses for comfort which is associated with sleep time/wind down time. It is a belonging she has had since she was 3 weeks old. It's something that soothes her and it isnt something I have forced upon her. From the newborn stage she always thrust her face into blankets and teddies and she felt comfort in rubbing stuff all over her face, hence the comforter being a perfect fit. 12 months down the line it is still a great comfort to her and if she is screaming after a bath I'll give her that and she'll calm right down. It's her little comfort.

Mil is fully aware of this little comfort. Which is why 3 weeks ago when my mil annouced she had been and bought her own comforter (same one just a different bear) for at nannys house I was to put it blunt, fucked off. Of all the things she has there does she really need a replacement comforter as opposed to the one she knows my daughter has had for a year? The one I send her round with.

Anyway thanks for the responses I wasn't expecting so many. The likes of Bert and Russell who disagree with 90% of what is posted on here, hasn't really made an impact. Maybe you should try and be more open minded, it can't be fun being so black and white.