Is MIL showing signs of jealousy

[Jasperkiss5]

MIL hasn't always had a regard for me, often treats me like the oven that cooked the bun. There is history but I want opinions on this situation alone.

Daughter goes to her 1 day a week. She has everything you could imagine at her house for my daughter, decorated room, heaps of toys etc, I send her with a coat but then see pictures on Facebook with her wearing a completely different coat that she's been and bought to keep at hers, even though I take her round wearing a coat already; just feel I need to mention that. Anyway my daughter has a comforter a little bunny with a blanket on it that she's had since she was born. She adores it, face lights up when she sees it, she naps with it, sleeps at night with and even takes it to nursery. The other week mil announced to us, but by talking to my DD that 'nannys got her own comforter for you at her house'. I thought that was odd as she knows we always send her with the one she's had since she was tiny, she also knows we have 3 identical to it in case it gets lost.

Each time I drop her off with it and collect her the comforter is always shoved right at the bottom of the bag. When I dropped her off on Monday she said oh she won't need that, she's got one here. I said but she likes it and takes it everywhere with her. She said she also likes nannys one and sleeps with that. I said do you allow her to have her own one when she's here and she said yes but I also give her my one. This is bullshit because it's never out when she is collected and she's out pictures on Facebook of my DD asleep with the comforter she bought.

My problem is- why did she feel the need to go and buy her own version. No one else I know would think to do that! Why not just let her have her comforter that she adores, why force your own on her. What would u feel?

Just tell her not to remove her comforter, imagine a childminder doing it, they wouldn't. Respect your wishes now or you've a battle on your hands.

It is a comforter, it is not just another toy. I'd be annoyed as imo the whole idea of a comforter is that it is the permanent fixture when mummy and daddy are working/day/night/whenever.

I would ask your MIL to take away the one she has provided and tbh if she doesn't respect the wishes of the child's mother, I would seriously consider getting alternative care. I know it shouldn't be an issue but it would upset me.

Its like the MIL is saying the stuff the OP sends isn't good enough

I can understand there being toys, games and maybe a blanket or two for one day of childcare but to decide the coat, your DDs favourite toy etc can't be used, to me at least, comes across as not good enough or 'mine are better' more than jealousy.

though I do wonder if some of it is for show. 'bought DD that and that and that' when showing off the pictures?

I don't understand why the MIL wants to make a battle out of this. Because she's the one who is instigating the behaviour, not the DIL. If the MIL didn't want to get the clothes DIL bought dirty, or lose the comforter or whatever then it's an easy conversation to have. MIL: "By the way, I've got clothes/toys/comforter at mine because we're going to the park/beach/going to be painting/ I don't want the child to lose any of them and waste your money, so I got her one to have at ours." DIL: "Great, thanks, that's very thoughtful of you." (thinking: thank flip I don't have to wash everything again.) But that didn't happen.

I think the big that stands out to me as well is that you have tried to gently broach it and have been ignored/disregarded. That means you can't just mention it as it sounds like she 'won't be told'. Be much easier if you were able to suggest sticking to her comforter and she'd just say 'okay'.
Does make it very tricky. Where is your daughter the other days?

I think it's good that she's able to sleep with a different 'comforter'. It means she's not so emotionally dependent on a specific item.

I know you say you have 3 of these items but do/would you take all 3 of them on holiday or for a weekend away in case you lost or misplaced one?

I don't think it's particularly healthy for a child to get so attached to something that it turns into a drama when it goes missing. I've seen a few desperate parents trying to replace a discontinued favourite toy/comforter as the child is distraught. Then again my children never had one so I don't really understand it I guess.

If her comforter was returned ripped or stained then I'd be suspicious of MIL but not if it was at the bottom of a bag. In fact it makes perfect sense that the least used item goes at the bottom and the more recently used ones are on top.

There must be one hell of a back story to this.

The situation screams control. Been in v similar situ with my IL's. Take back control. Dont discuss/negotiate, find alternative childcare, be civil, support DD's relationship with MIL but end MIL's opportunity to usurp and control you and DD.

Best of luck!!!

Why does she spend one night a week there? This is the question.

You CAN stop that you know. If the baby is so small and it's just because MIL wants this, then stop it.

Tell her you'll be doing it once a month. IF you want to. If you dont...then dont. She's not got any rights....she might have spoiled it for herself.

It's a bloody blanket. I'm not even going to start on the 'jealousy' aspect of your post.

Kiss - yes, good to not be dependent on a special bedtime object. Awful scenes when an essential small bear was hidden by bedding and disappeared from a hotel room. He was found, eventually, just before he was going to be sent away to a laundry.

heyday I think by that rationale we'd have Mumsnet whittled down to about two threads

OP I would get alternative childcare. Even the coat thing would any me, let alone the blanky. Why would you take away a child's comfort ffs.

All the people saying things like "Oh it's just a blanket, it's good that she can sleep without it....and it's just a Gran spoiling her grandchild...

It's not.

The things that she's done ALONE aren't a big deal but all together it's weird.

Separate clothing? What's that about? If my MIL buys my DDs clothing, she gives it to me! She wants them to benefit from it all the time! Not just on her watch.

It all seems controlling and weird.

*Annoy me.

If it's just 'a bloody blanket' why does MIL need her own? If it's really not important she shouldn't need a different one!

If dd is happy with the other one, then it might be a blessing later, if number one gets lost or falls to bits. It does happen.

I cut my dd's beloved blanket into quarters at one point, and we still ended up with only one of them, and that was in shreds by the time she gave it up.

I had grandparents who I lived with for a great deal of time and went on to spend weekends with overnight later on. I had some toys there and a change of clothes. There was no need to have a complete bedroom and seperate life with them. Even when I lived with them from a young age as my parents worked nightshift.

Jump to me having DD. My own mother had a room and cot set up, clothes even a different pram. I had never expected her to have DD overnight let alone give her reason to think it. We are now NC after her allowing DD to call her mum although there was other issues.

I agree some grandparents see grandchildren as their 'own'. Its like a dillusional state they get and nothing makes them see sense. I think she has overstepped the mark with the comforter and it seems weird. A comforter is a special thing a child wants and to deny her that in favour of grannys choice of toy is wrong. This could escalate into other areas with you DD and MIL as she grows. What does your
DH/OH say about it?

The MIL is feigning helpfulness.... while not actually acting in a helpful manner at all. She's not doing what the DIL wants.

I think the comforter thing is weird - she seems unable to countenance the possibility of your daughter having any connection with her home when she is at her house. People go on about your DD being happy so why worry, but do we actually know that she is? OP isn't there to check. I'd suggest cutting down on your DD's visits there.

I would be really upset about the comforter. My MIL did similar and it annoyed the hell out of me "oh he never wants it at our house". The clue is in the word Comfort.

Tbh it undermined (along with other things) my entire trust in her. I was so happy when I was able to get DS into nursery. Sad that instantly I had more trust in complete strangers than my child gran.

I also dont get the comment about being embaressed by a toy if it was shabby which I know OP stated it wasn't. I would think the granny a bit stuck up to be honest if that was the reason besides who would see it unless for the fb pics.

This about control, when at her place she makes the rules and anything she can't stand about you is pushed off the scene and she supplies her choice as being BEST for your child as she obviously has no respect for you and as far as she is concerned you have no taste, is seen as not being a good mum and worse still not suitable for her son. I can see this getting worse and you have to decide whether to put up with this demeaning behavior or cause a big argument. whatever you do you can't win at this game, believe me, i have been there not with child concerns as mine did not like my husbands mother who was not their real grandmother anyway, but the slyness to make sure i was never mentioned when others ask how we were or how she struggled as if i never did anything for her, and people were lead to believe i was uncaring and never around. Even her son never heard the barbs at me, oh yes all sweet and lovely old lady to others, but a nasty jealous bitch towards me as i married her son, i was also told i was not part of her family. She is gone now and I sighed with relief when it happened, having to bite my tongue for many years and have no one believe me. So you go careful I can see what is going on here, this woman does not like you at all and she will use her spite in any way she can and your child is the means. Watch what private stuff you say infront of your child as she is probably being asked questions too to see how she can get one over you all the time. I am sorry i am being blunt but your instinct is already warning you, listen to it. Do not expect your husband to take sides either, he will argue that you are imagining it and be offended you do not like his mum. I don't envy you one bit. You may be abe to say to your child can the toy stay at home when you go to grans as it is tired and would love to have the bed all to itself. This way you remove the item from being used in this way by the MiL. You may have to do this with the coat etc saying we can save it for here as your gran has one you can use to play in, and we can keep this one for best. You may have to keep finding ways to prevent these TOOLS she is using to get at you all the time. And it is YOU she is aiming this all as your pride and joy is your child and is the means she is using to hurt you, not at all nice, but stay calm and try and prempt each move. When she finds it is not upsetting you anymore she may give over as she is losing or God forbid find another method. the more upset you get the more power you give her. grit your teeth and smile sweetly, compliment the clothes she buys even if they are horrendous, just stay ahead of the game. good luck.

There's no point really in my posting because soon all the MIL haters will be along to level all sorts of insults at me, but I'm pretty thick skinned. OP you ask in your MIL is jealous - I could turn it round and ask "are you jealous" - but someone up thread said "Is she seeing this as a second chance at mothering" and in a way I think us grandparents are (maybe not at a conscious level) to some extent. We all know how we felt about our newborns and how "mother nature" kicks in so that we can tolerate all the sleeplessness nights, the pooey nappies and all the other "delight" of bringing up our babies. We become tigers where our children are concerned and would gladly give our own lives in a heartbeat if it would protect them. Mine are in their 40s but they're still my "kids" with their own families so I'm a grandmother. I am immensely lucky to have lovely DILS but then they're lucky to have me!

Before we have babies we have absolutely no idea how we are going to feel about them, we don't know what worry is till we have a child, we love them unconditionally. There is a book called "The birth of a Mother" that I gave to one of my DILs and there really ought to be one called "The birth of a grandmother" - so in a tiny way, we do perceive looking after our grandchildren as a second chance at loving and caring for this baby and we feel the same as we did when their parent (be it mother or father) was born all those years ago. We didn't know we were going to feel like this - I recall asking friends who were grandparents "Do you feel the same way about your GC as you did about your own babies" and they looked at me in a puzzled way and said "Of course you do...." but I still didn't know. But the whole business of giving birth to your own baby is re-enacted when you hold your grandchild for the first time (especially your first!) and you feel the euphoria and unconditional love for this baby in a white babygrow! The love grows and if you're lucky as I was the parents will let you care for the baby on your own. I see so many post about this weird business of MILs wanting to care for the baby when the mother's not there. I understand it - I don't think I can explain it but certainly my DH and I loved having the grandchildren "to ourselves" - still do actually.

I think having a set of clothes for the child is going a bit far to be honest and the "soother" but I used to LOVE buying clothes for my first GC and as she was a girl there was SO much to choose from and I'd never had a girl. My DIL was fine about it as it happened but I recall wanting to make sure I bought the first winter coat or summer dress or whatever, oh and the first pair of shoes. SO that's the best I can do by way of explanation. Maybe some DILs will feel this themselves in years to come and will look back and understand their MILs. It's usually MILs that come in for a lot of criticism, occasionally DMs but mostly MILs oh and the odd SIL gets thrown in.

OP in your child is happy with her grandmother I think you should leave well alone. Sounds like there is rivalry over the child - let it go and be glad your child has a GM who loves and cares for her.

I'm fully expecting the DILs to pile in on me - I could name them but that would be totally against MN etiquette!

Nana taking a favourite toy from a baby is not exactly the act of a loving person. That alone sends massive alarm bells in my head. My MIL is the sort to lift a sleeping baby to show it off to her chum. Loves the baby but its not exactly a kind thing to do. That is putting her own desires over those of the baby.
Clothes isn't a massive issue, nor are toys to be kept at grannies esp if she is spending lots of time there.

Its a childish way of cutting you out IMO. Like you have the lurgy and she cant bear anything you have touched.

It's not only about this one situation though is it? So Im not sure how you can separate one particular issue.