Is MIL showing signs of jealousy

[Jasperkiss5]

MIL hasn't always had a regard for me, often treats me like the oven that cooked the bun. There is history but I want opinions on this situation alone.

Daughter goes to her 1 day a week. She has everything you could imagine at her house for my daughter, decorated room, heaps of toys etc, I send her with a coat but then see pictures on Facebook with her wearing a completely different coat that she's been and bought to keep at hers, even though I take her round wearing a coat already; just feel I need to mention that. Anyway my daughter has a comforter a little bunny with a blanket on it that she's had since she was born. She adores it, face lights up when she sees it, she naps with it, sleeps at night with and even takes it to nursery. The other week mil announced to us, but by talking to my DD that 'nannys got her own comforter for you at her house'. I thought that was odd as she knows we always send her with the one she's had since she was tiny, she also knows we have 3 identical to it in case it gets lost.

Each time I drop her off with it and collect her the comforter is always shoved right at the bottom of the bag. When I dropped her off on Monday she said oh she won't need that, she's got one here. I said but she likes it and takes it everywhere with her. She said she also likes nannys one and sleeps with that. I said do you allow her to have her own one when she's here and she said yes but I also give her my one. This is bullshit because it's never out when she is collected and she's out pictures on Facebook of my DD asleep with the comforter she bought.

My problem is- why did she feel the need to go and buy her own version. No one else I know would think to do that! Why not just let her have her comforter that she adores, why force your own on her. What would u feel?

scream not cream!

I think she's been very sensible buying a comforter to keep at hers. What if one day you did forget it and your dd was distressed by not having it?

My dd has a comforter - bane of my life manly thing that I wish I'd not encouraged now she's 5 and still can't sleep without it-

The spare comforter started to get rejected when she was about 18 months. It now sits pristine on the shelf whilst the "real" comforter is , er, let's call it showing signs of being much loved.

She has never spent a night without it. Not here anyway. It's unthinkable.

However- When she goes to her nans she has a different ( far less important) teddy. Mil isn't controlling- it just became apparent theat the comforter was too risky to take to mils. So we tested her out there without it and encouraged a different toy. I can't see what the fuss is about tbh. Mil is doing you a favour.

Since you're not there, and thus can't see whether or not your DD is distressed by not having her own comforter, and she's too young to tell you different, then I think you have to let this go.
If she was upset when you collected her, or hadn't had a nap, or was clinging to her bunny comforter, then I might think you had more of a point; but you haven't said that.

Your initial comment does seem to set the scene though; your MIL is treating your DD as though she is her own and nothing you have for her is "good enough". I wouldn't say it is jealousy as such, more wanting to take over and try and forget you exist while she has your DD.

If you can, I'd find alternative childcare so this situation doesn't persist; as your DD gets older, it will start to affect her and it could become a problem of divided loyalties etc.

Babies have enough love for everyone, you know. They have loads!!!!!!!

OP - playing devil's advocate... Is it possible that dd falls asleep with your comforter and mil swaps it for her photo?

As others have probably said, what is your dh's opinion on his mum's actions? Why haven't you changed her childcare to one where you can have more control?

Encouraging children to become attached to bits of cloth is just odd, regardless of who buys the rag.

"ly said, what is your dh's opinion on his mum's actions? Why haven't you changed her childcare to one where you can have more control?"

Because that would be the act of a loon.........

It's possible that you are both showing signs of jealousy .

I spent a lot of time caring for the Dd of an ex . She stayed at my house , came on holiday with me, I loved her, really loved her, and still do. That's what happens when you care for a child with whom you have a connection . And I did buy her clothes and toys, and naturally bought ones that I liked and felt suited her, so would dress her in them when she was with me. I never wanted to take the place of her Mum, or cause her to 'share' that love. I thought then, as I do now, that her Mum showed great confidence and sense of security in her own relationship with her dd that she was happy that her dd made individual relationships with different adults. But had MN been around I would probably have been castigated for being over the mark.

However I would never have thought of adding to or replacing the child's comfort object as that is such a child-led, child-centred thing. Not like clothes or other toys.

AS you've made several threads about the same subject I'd say you are struggling with having to go to work and leave your child with anyone at all, to be honest. Who has him/her the rest of the week and how do you feel about that?

It sounds to me like you are the one who is jealous. Your MIL is looking after your DD and treating her as if she were her own - which she is in a way, she is her granddaughter. Isn't it wonderful that your DD has someone who loves her so much in her life and that you have someone to look after who loves her so much? Isn't that what most people who need someone to look after their DC would wish for? Is having another comforter really such a big deal? Personally I would be pleased that my DD was able to be comforted by more than one item. There are people on here telling you to stop letting your DD stay with your MIL, to find other childcare - that is madness! If your DD is happy then she couldn't be in better hands. You should be happy about that!

I am not sure this is jealous behaviour but certainly I would consider it strange not to let your DD have her normal comforter. Perhaps, like others have said she views her looking after your DD as being a second chance at parenting and is establishing her own routines which I think is a big mistake on her part. I have a 8 mo GD I will be looking after one day a week but I am not her mum and will be following the routines my DD and her SIL have set out. I have toys at my house and a cot and high chair but all her clothes are at her house and I have not and will not decorate a room specifically for her. Her home is with her mum and dad and a grandparent is a different relationship altogether. Your MIL should remember she is not parenting your DD but simply caring for her as a grandparent. If she persists with this and it really upsets you then you have the option of making other child care arrangements.

Be reminded of, yes - but feel the same feeling? I don't imagine so - it's not your baby, and that I think is the core difference between GPs sensitive to this, and those who risk riding roughshod over the feelings and vulnerabilities of new parents.

You imagine so... So you don't know, but nana Nina does know how that feels as a grandparent and you should just dismiss her feelings like that!

It seems unimaginable to you that the love can be the same, but think about anything your child does and the love and pride you feel when they do something, especially the first time. Now think about the fact that your 'baby' has just had their own baby - I can believe that the love and pride you would feel for that baby is pretty overwhelming!

The whole concept of 'jealousy' is an unhelpful one here. It's also a trigger word on Mnet - I have observed in several cases previously that posters who use it are liable to have an extremely rough ride, since it seems to carry instant condemnation with it.

I think 'feeling undermined' might be a more useful phrase for the same thing!!

I know someone who used to buy whole wardrobes of clothes for her GC and change them into those clothes as soon as they were dropped off with her. She hated her DIL and did it deliberately to annoy her and said the clothes DIL bought were "chavvy". She would always make a point of telling people that the DIL was scummy and lazy and a bitch and thank god the DGC came to her once a week and got to wear her trendy baby clothes.

I think it is all about context. If your DMIL had said "I got DD some clothes for playing in that she can keep here as we tend to do messy play and I don't want to ruin her nice clothes and create more washing for you," I would think that was considerate and kind. If she bought her clothes and said "I thought this was so sweet I just couldn't resist" then gave them to you to put her in at home, again I would think that was nice and very very normal.

I agree with you though that buying an alternative coat just for wearing at her house with no explanation and a history of problems between you sounds undermining. She has a coat that you are happy with (whether you bought it or it was a hand-me-down) and she doesn't need more than one. I would hazard a guess that she enjoys telling people that she bought her a lovely coat just for granny's house, because it subtly suggests that you aren't buying her lovely things, aren't worthy of respect and are just a bit of an inconvenience that DMIL can override and forget about for one day a week and the coat is a symbol of her disregard for your feelings.

The sheer visceral love my Mum has felt for her grandchildren has been obvious from the moment they were born . Grandparent is (can be) an incredibly powerful relationship. Luckily my brother and I have been able to rejoice in the fact that our kids have two generations of unconditional love surrounding them . In no way is care from a GP comparable to employing care from a childminder , and nor should it. (And that is not to dis childminders, who offer a trusted caring loving but professional care ).

Sounds like she is trying to undermine you and ignore your wishes, OP.

Surely it's just convenient to have stuff at GP's house?
I remember like it was yesterday the first time I saw my DGD's. I felt such overwhelming love for them, and yes I would say it was the same as when I first saw my DC's!
I regularly go through 5 names till I get the right one which they think is very funny!
So OP, I think you have to look at the intent behind what she is doing, and to tell her it makes you uncomfortable.

I don't get why you feel the way you do but honestly if it's that much of a bother for you then stop using her for childcare and dip in to your pocket and make other arrangements.

I cannot stand people moaning about relatives but using them for childcare or accepting things that give them financial gain it's so hypocritical.

Both sets of grandparents keep clothes, jammies and toys at their houses, both have beds/rooms all set up for sleepovers/naps etc.

My mum has taken every random toy my DD insisted she needed to sleep with good grace, even when they then had to hunt for it at bedtime.

My MIL always, always tells me "well I don't give her frog/dressing gown/hot water bottle/whatever random article she took today" as if it was something to be proud of. But then she was also smug when our son "always woke up wet here" after we'd toilet trained him and he was dry through the night at home, staying away and at my mum's.

My only conclusion is that she's a bit odd and to hope that she's not leaving DD in distress (unlikely given she repeatedly undermined our routines in favour of shush patting when we were sleep training, going so far as to "nip to the loo" when we were listening to a grumbling child over the monitor. Silly woman clearly didn't realise we'd be able to hear her too) but it does bug the living shit out of me that she so blatantly disregards our wishes and routines in favour of what she feels is best.

NanaNina "But the whole business of giving birth to your own baby is re-enacted when you hold your grandchild for the first time (especially your first!) and you feel the euphoria and unconditional love for this baby in a white babygrow! The love grows and if you're lucky as I was the parents will let you care for the baby on your own."

Oh my god, no wonder so many new mums go through the sort of hell I did, with a MIL who saw this as her second chance to have a baby again (and to get it right this time) - and her first chance to have a girl.

No wonder me and my daughter became the focus for all of her unprocessed guilt and trauma about her own PND.

No wonder, as a brand new mum, I had to deal with her emotional breakdown in my flat - locking herself in my fucking bathroom while i was bleeding heavily postpartum! - because apparently I was 'reenacting' her own experience of becoming a mum.

Jesus Christ. Talk about narcissism.

You can imagine if this was a step mother doing the same thing though right. That would be totally fine...

I see no jealousy from your MIL.
I see a DIL who wants her DD to miss mummy and home when she is at Grandma's and is distressed at the lengths Grandma is going to, to ensure that their time together is happy.
Like Shadows says, a child can't be too loved. You are the mummy and will always come first, but yes YABU about your MIL.

Maybe your dd doesn't need a specific comforter. Neither of mine ever had one. Does it give you comfort to send her with it? Maybe just say to mil it makes you feel better about leaving her to know she has it.

As I said before, babies have enough love to go round. They bring tons of it with them.